strange feelings over close friend

[despairingbuttrying]

I have been very close friends with this girl for over a year now, we're very emotionally attached and we are very drawn to each other. After our first date, I wasn't that keen but we decided to be friends and spent a great deal of time together over the next year or so.

We went away together, she's stayed round my house, we've spent days together, slept in my clothes etc. She wanted it to work esp after we got back from a 2 week trip as we did cross the line physically for a brief period, I tried to make this work as well, I was trying to feel something but I just couldn't do it because I just didn't feel enough attraction. In the end I hurt her and she had to cut contact to get over me and let me go. Which she eventually did and we got back in touch around Sept. We went away again, spent more together etc. She basically ticks every box apart from this physical attraction issue so I never felt at any point, like I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. You can talk yourself into fancying someone. Either you do or you don't, surely?

Anyway, long story short, we're still in touch but she's now seeing someone and it's really going well. Happy for her but hurts at the same time. As soon as she initially mentioned that she was about to meet someone, this guy, I remember feeling uncomfortable and it made me upset. It's quite crushing. So I'm being trying to figure out why I feel this way...

Do I truly have feelings for her and is her being with someone finally made me realise that OR is it simply being jealous that's she met someone else and I haven't and that I've lost a such a strong emotional connection. There's someone who's kinda of replaced me. Physical attraction matters of course and I know it can grow over time but I don't know, I had all this time to feel something. I'm sentimental so I have bittersweet memories of our times together and trips we took etc. because I realise that that may not happen again.

And I think this virus crisis just enhances the emotions and feelings of singleness and being alone. I just wish I had someone with me during this time. I've been single for a long time, years.

[Content]

I have a similliar  situation l. I had feelings for a close friend but for a myriad of reasons I won’t  get into we couldn’t be together. I got over that and we continued our close friendship. We have a special connection and emotional bond.

Shes been going out with someone for a year now and still whenever she had problems  she’d call me because we’re  that close and also the guy she’s with now is kind of on the spectrum and not someone she can bring things up to.

He looked at her phone one day and saw all our calls and got mad and since then for the last 6 months I haven’t heard from her outside of a text or two in that span so I’m guessing he told her not to call me anymore.

i really miss my friend we are very close and while I get it and why he did that I’m also kinda hurt that she’s listening to him and not calling me. I miss her 

 

[preraph]

Having her wanting you was a lot of ego validation for you.  You're doing the classic, "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her."  Believe me, I've seen plenty of that in my lifetime.  You're possessive of her, but you aren't attracted enough to want to keep her, which is just sad.  Yeah, you won't enjoy her being all happy and giving her love and admiration to someone else.  Don't do anything to mess that up for her.  

[simpycurious]

On 3/19/2020 at 2:42 PM, preraph said:

Having her wanting you was a lot of ego validation for you.  You're doing the classic, "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her."  Believe me, I've seen plenty of that in my lifetime.  You're possessive of her, but you aren't attracted enough to want to keep her, which is just sad.  Yeah, you won't enjoy her being all happy and giving her love and admiration to someone else.  Don't do anything to mess that up for her.  

Exactly, don't mess up what she has going.  If you were truly into her, you should have pursued her.  I am always amazed that some guys simply cannot muster up the "ba....." to GO FOR IT

if they want something or someone.  What's the absolute worst that can happen......she says NO?  At some point, you gotta step up or at the very least be happy for your "friend."

[preraph]

Yeah.  I think some guys do it because they're still "chasing the dream" but kind of want to know this woman is waiting in the wings.  

[Foxhall]

Its probably more the loneliness than really feeling it for this girl,

you may have to compromise in future settle for someone average in order to eliminate the loneliness.

 

[2BGoodAgain]

could go either way..

1) regret... you realize how much she means to you.. love and all that junk.

2) ego... you thought she'd be stuck on you longer and to find out you were so easily or quickly replaced, hurt your ego... so it isn't really about her, but rather you ego taking a bruising.

i know, you're not like that... but the inner you... me... is a much baser and much more complicated character than we think ourselves to be.

it's either of those two reasons.

[simpycurious]

2BGood, I think it's #1 or at least I hope it is (a romantic and all).  OP, if TRULY is #1 (she's the one you want to hold, to love, to take care of, etc) then don't you think that you need to 

tell her?  Maybe, she is with this other DUDE because she thinks you DON'T care for her in "that way."  Living with regret stinks to NO END.  Sometimes you gotta MAN UP and LAY YOUR

CARDS ON THE TABLE.  It's risky, daunting, nerve wracking but not nearly as bad as NOT KNOWING.