What do women value in a man?

[gaius]

12 hours ago, simpycurious said:

You do say the nicest things and I sooooooo appreciate you mentioning this.

In all fairness, @thefooloftheyear is correct, women don't really value super nice guys.

But they don't really value guys who never make a move either. The one's who just sit online and get jealous whenever someone else tries to talk to their online chat buddies. The all talk and no walk types.

So if you actually make a move, you'd probably come off as more valuable. Despite being too sweet for most women's tastes.

[SummerDreams]

21 minutes ago, gaius said:

women don't really value super nice guys

 

There is no sane person who doesn't value super nice people in general. If someone doesn't, there's something wrong with them.

"This doctor who saves lives and doesn't even take money from poor people is super nice, I don't value him/her though".

"This teacher who has helped so many kids in his/her career is super nice, I don't value him/her though."

And so on.

[thefooloftheyear]

13 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

There is no sane person who doesn't value super nice people in general. If someone doesn't, there's something wrong with them.

"This doctor who saves lives and doesn't even take money from poor people is super nice, I don't value him/her though".

"This teacher who has helped so many kids in his/her career is super nice, I don't value him/her though."

And so on.

Ant vs elephant analogies....The world outside of m/f courtship has nothing to do with the point being made...

Women place more value in guys that aren't fussing and fawning over them at every turn...It's almost 100% a failing strategy....Women place more value in men that show that they have options, but then choose them...These guys act is if they have "been there", not holding on for dear life the one in their sights...That doesn't mean those guys inherently have to be mean or jerks or even disinterested or inattentive,,...This is why women also tend to place more value in guys  that have lives.careers and interests.etc , outside of theirs..

My daughter recently dumped her first boyfriend...I could see it coming from a mile away...this kid was a nice kid, but he just smothered her with affection and attention to the point where it became a turnoff...In the beginning, I think she liked the attention, but it got old quick....Now, think that this is a young woman with no dating experience...can you imagine what an experienced woman is going to do??

It's not so much about nice vs mean in the general sense as you are saying...

TFY

 

[simpycurious]

12 hours ago, Silver_star said:

What qualities women look for in a man and value will depend on the woman, and her experiences in relationships, maybe her upbringing around relationships, her beliefs and views about relationships etc. 

The qualities of Money/Looks seem to be the only qualities OP brings up in the post and the ones that are brought up most often.

Pick either combo of guy and there is a woman who may be interested in what he has to offer in a relationship.  Broke guy/Average or below average looks, Broke guy/very attractive. Wealthy guy/Average below average looks, Wealthy guy/very attractive. 

I know guys in each of these categories. They have other qualities that make them good partners to a woman..It's almost as if they have personalities or something...hmmmm. 😛

Back to the question that was posed

I value and am attracted to men who are good listeners, who make me feel beautiful, who make me feel protected and safe, who are a bit quiet and stoic in nature but with a very kind heart, and caring nature toward family and friends. Looks wise - Kind eyes, nice smile, self care. 

 

Shouldn't ALL Men at least try and make the woman they are with FEEL BEAUTIFUL?  I have read so many posts that accuse men of "love bombing" or other things but maybe

some of the compliments that a man is giving a woman are GENUINE.  He truly feels she is beautiful. Not to get on a soap box or anything but the world needs more kindness, and 

more LOVE.  We may run out of toilet paper but let's pray we never run out of LOVE.

[simpycurious]

11 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Silver_star said it very poetically.  Those are also the things I value in a man! Def gets my attention more than money or looks would.

I am financially independent and like cookie, I am happy living below my means.  It is a lifestyle choice.

 

Lonely, a man can PLENTY of money, be good looking, fit, and STILL BE NICE.  So, don't settle for less 

9 hours ago, IntBrowser said:

Normally high expectations comes with good looks

Shouldn't we ALL have expectations.  I assure you that I do.

[simpycurious]

6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh and simpy has always been real. He calls it like he sees it!

So do you Cookie.  One of the above posters can call it whatever she wants "ass kissing", "brown nosing" BUT I think you are extremely interesting, thought provoking, and just plain AWESOME.  So few women are like you seem to be. Never change the lady you are. 

6 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

Indeed. It's refreshing to see there are still men like him out there. It makes me hopeful that superficial people who only care about looks will not prevail. That my sister who is 15 years old and my other sister who is 5 years old will live in a world where men will still search for women's soul.

(i'm being more dramatic than needed, I'm sorry, things are weird these days psychologically with everything that's going on in the world :S)

Summer, there are plenty of Good/Nice guys in this world.  I also hope that your sisters and yourself.  I will say this though, you (men) don't get a "gold star" for being a nice guy and being thoughtful.  It's just how you are SUPPOSE to be.  I was fortunate to have two loving parents that are kind to one another, affectionate, and respectful.  

[snowcones]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Shouldn't ALL Men at least try and make the woman they are with FEEL BEAUTIFUL?  I have read so many posts that accuse men of "love bombing" or other things but maybe

some of the compliments that a man is giving a woman are GENUINE.  He truly feels she is beautiful. Not to get on a soap box or anything but the world needs more kindness, and 

more LOVE.  We may run out of toilet paper but let's pray we never run out of LOVE.

Totally agree and actually the only time I'm interested in a guy is if he's saying really nice things to me.  If he doesn't, I have no interest in him.

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, snowcones said:

Totally agree and actually the only time I'm interested in a guy is if he's saying really nice things to me.  If he doesn't, I have no interest in him.

You should ALWAYS be treated well by a guy.  He should say nice/kind things to you.  I get that some try and manipulate women or play head games but NOT EVERY GUY does that.

Being kind, being considerate to someone is still OK even in this most cynical world.  Also, just because you tell a woman that she looks nice or you like the way she has her hair done DOES 

NOT MEAN YOU love her or that you are trying to manipulate her. 

[snowcones]

43 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

You should ALWAYS be treated well by a guy.  He should say nice/kind things to you.  I get that some try and manipulate women or play head games but NOT EVERY GUY does that.

Being kind, being considerate to someone is still OK even in this most cynical world.  Also, just because you tell a woman that she looks nice or you like the way she has her hair done DOES 

NOT MEAN YOU love her or that you are trying to manipulate her. 

I completely and 100% agree! 

[FMW]

7 hours ago, gaius said:

women don't really value super nice guys.

There's a difference in "nice" guys and good guys. The guy I'm seeing really HATES being called a nice guy.  He's a kind and caring person, but certainly not a pushover, which I think is what "nice" sometimes brings to mind.  So maybe "nice" needs to be replaced with "good", meaning decent, honest and caring.  

[snowcones]

7 hours ago, gaius said:

.....women don't really value super nice guys.

But they don't really value guys who never make a move either. The one's who just sit online and get jealous whenever someone else tries to talk to their online chat buddies. The all talk and no walk types.

So if you actually make a move, you'd probably come off as more valuable. Despite being too sweet for most women's tastes.

A guy being sweet to me is always good.  It's never bad.   What is bad is when you're a guy and you're nice and have no backbone to stand up to other guys who are bullies, you let other guys push you around,  or you can't do things that take courage, like asking a woman out.  In short, you are weak.  A nice yet strong guy is ideal.  Some guys who are self-proclaimed "Alpha" may be strong but they are not nice. My ex-H was that way.  My younger self, which was closer to a base, instinctual, un-evolved female state, was attracted to his so-called "alpha-ness" but I eventually left him because he refused to learn how to be nice to me.  It was a learning experience. So now I am unimpressed by alpha traits by themselves, unless a man can show me with consistency that he is sweet.  Those men do exist but most are married by age 30, and rightly so.  As for guys who are simply nice, but have no backbone.  Well like you said, many of them have trouble with courage and can't even ask a woman out, and they will be bulldozed by the bolder men who aren't afraid to ask women out. Even if a lot of those men turn out to not be so nice to women.  Some of these men may look strong physically but they still won't make a move and it's obvious that they are weak inside.  Men who just hang out online or on text and orbit around women just chatting to them and never making a righteous move to go out (which includes married men who are just getting a charge out of mingling with the ladies online since it's a way they won't get in trouble with their wife), well, those guys are a joke too, because obviously, nothing will come out of chatting with them either.....They won't make a move either. 

[snowcones]

10 minutes ago, gaius said:

 You think if a guy old enough to be your daughters grandpa got mad every time someone tried to talk to her that would be hot and sexy?

The image of this made me crack up laughing.

[snowcones]

8 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

.... all I was pointing out is how a guy burying his nose up a woman's ass does nothing other than relegate him to the position of putz and perpetual orbiter...

Not true.  If the guy is hot and not a wimp, then he can bury his nose up my ass all day long and he can bury other parts in other places too.  I will want him to.

Your daughter probably wasn't fully physically attracted to her now ex-bf, or he  seemed wimpy around other men.  So the doting started feeling one-sided and like a guilt trip to her.  Which is a drag.

Edited March 22, 2020 by snowcones

[amaysngrace]

I value niceness, especially when he comes off as a tool but deep down he is nice to you because he thinks you’re sweet. 

[preraph]

2 minutes ago, snowcones said:

Not true.  If the guy is hot and not a wimp, then he can bury his nose up my ass all day long and he can bury other parts in other places too.  I will want him to.

Why Snowcones!    

[preraph]

Yeah, the first trait of an orbiter isn't "nice."  It's "fearful."  (I mean, of course, real young folks just starting out get a pass.) 

[chillii]

God almighty do we really need that kinda detail sc, jezez. You better be good looking because otherwise the visions that'll be stuck in my head after that will not be pleasant . Anyway , l'm the relationship kind always have been , and that's always been how a woman views me , whatever that is  , but that was always what l looked for and any woman l went for the same. As far as all the bs and analyzing , or in sc's case  anal' izing  , god l'm good, admit it.  but l seriously can not believe all the theories and crapola in all this , l mean really. ls it really that fkd up where you guys live , or have you all just been dating dating and single so fkg long that all that thinking and warped understanding of it has become your now Nirvana .  l just mean wtf . there's another thread goin somewhere and my god the thinking and dissecting is just off the planet , the crap they're all going on with is effg surreal. lf two people meet and boom they're just into each other , fall in love , then basically that is it people , that's how it works. and from there if it works it works only time do tell. usually nothing else matters with real feelings , you get through life together problems together build together , unless something among it is truly effd up.

You think people been married 50 or 60 yrs thought about all that bs , hell half the time there were depressions and wars no food or work living in tents moving to new countries with only the clothes on their backs building their lives from the dirt up .And guess what people , it's still happening . all over the world , just watch the news or read immigration forums .

 

Edited March 22, 2020 by chillii

[amaysngrace]

What is an orbiter?

[thefooloftheyear]

1 minute ago, amaysngrace said:

What is an orbiter?

I didn't know either until hanging around here..

Its a guy(a guess it could be a woman) that hangs around women,  blowing smoke up their behinds, while all along the women pat them on the head, but never show any interest...

TFY

[chillii]

They got a word or letters for everything tf , we're getting left behind in it all man , and thank fk.

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

They got a word or letters for everything tf , we're getting left behind in it all man , and thank fk.

I have a different word for an "orbiter" but it's probably best unsaid here or anywhere I suppose.  For one of the above posters, I am certain a man can be NICE and KIND

and still be very "manly", assertive, and take charge. You cannot "paint" all men with a single brush stroke.

[SummerDreams]

It's not easy for men to create their personality, let's be fair. They grow up being told that they need to be strong, never show weakness, never cry, rarely apologize etc so what happens is, they become adults and they try to be strong and manly. Young women like these "bad guys" because they grow up being told that a man should always be strong and have solutions about everything. Young men also see "nice guys" being interpreted as weak, not manly enough, idiots, so they focus on being the strong guy sacrificing the good guy in them, since they have success with the young women. This is how the rumor that women want bad guys is created. Thing is, as women grow older, they realize that a bad guy can only offer adventure and fun, but not the stability and safety they start to look for so they turn to good guys. Good guys, who were called weak and doormats their whole life, find it hard sometimes to become the strong person a woman wants. That's why it's often said that good guys are weak. It takes a strong character and good parents for a man to be able to combine being good and being strong but when it happens, and it's not rare of course, what an amazing man that is...

[snowcones]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

God almighty do we really need that kinda detail sc, jezez. You better be good looking because otherwise the visions that'll be stuck in my head after that will not be pleasant . Anyway , l'm the relationship kind always have been , and that's always been how a woman views me , whatever that is  , but that was always what l looked for and any woman l went for the same. As far as all the bs and analyzing , or in sc's case  anal' izing  , god l'm good, admit it.  but l seriously can not believe all the theories and crapola in all this , l mean really. ls it really that fkd up where you guys live , or have you all just been dating dating and single so fkg long that all that thinking and warped understanding of it has become your now Nirvana .  l just mean wtf . there's another thread goin somewhere and my god the thinking and dissecting is just off the planet , the crap they're all going on with is effg surreal. lf two people meet and boom they're just into each other , fall in love , then basically that is it people , that's how it works. and from there if it works it works only time do tell. usually nothing else matters with real feelings , you get through life together problems together build together , unless something among it is truly effd up.

You think people been married 50 or 60 yrs thought about all that bs , hell half the time there were depressions and wars no food or work living in tents moving to new countries with only the clothes on their backs building their lives from the dirt up .And guess what people , it's still happening . all over the world , just watch the news or read immigration forums .

 

I didn't mean to make you clutch your pearls.   It's just a discussion board, relax.  I'm not here often enough for whatever that's posted here to seep in my mind or my life.

[simpycurious]

13 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

Indeed. It's refreshing to see there are still men like him out there. It makes me hopeful that superficial people who only care about looks will not prevail. That my sister who is 15 years old and my other sister who is 5 years old will live in a world where men will still search for women's soul.

(i'm being more dramatic than needed, I'm sorry, things are weird these days psychologically with everything that's going on in the world :S)

You aren't being dramatic you are being HONEST.  I know a beach almost identical to the one you are sitting on Summer and the weather is quickly getting perfect to be there.

[HappySenior]

On 3/21/2020 at 1:29 PM, thefooloftheyear said:

Sooo...

Lessee if I got this straight...

-Guys that are successful and have money are no good....Too boring and stiff and worried about gold diggers.

-Guys that are sexy and hot with ripped bodies are imbeciles and it's too much work keeping other women away...so forget those guys..

-"Alpha" qualities just describe guys who are bullies and aszholes, and its just a characterization derived by PUA to get money from struggling low level incels..It's not real..

How do these guys wind up with all the top tier women they do/??  I guess its some kind of magic??

TFY

Let's see if this will help.  Fictional characters and actors that attract me personally: (I am curious if the other women here agree with me on these...)
Richard Gere - not just for looks but the zen-like calm attitude as far as the real person.
Jean-Luc-Picard - more towards the end of the series when he becomes even more human, if that makes sense.
I liked Oliver Platt's character in "The Four Musketeers", but he got a little gross when older.
I had quite a crush on Viggo Mortensen for quite a while when I was younger - however he resembled my previous ex. But of course I always liked his character in LOTR.
Intense but calm and collected for the most part. (Another trait shared with the previous ex.)

I'm  put off by snarky-boys, no matter what they look like. I can't stand most of the network late night talk show hosts and won't watch.

This is difficult.... I watch a lot of old movies and those guys have mostly passed on.

Ok. Gerard Butler. Very appealing in his characters. Not sure about real life; I hadn't heard much.
Jeff Goldblum - at least early on. I am not sure about now.
Weight doesn't matter - I like Kevin James.
My previous ex was slim and my recent ex is quite overweight with a beer belly. (Which never bothered me.)

The ability to make me laugh without being vulgar (and without making ME the butt of the joke) is attractive.
The ability to talk about what he likes and doesn't like and hear mine without judgement is attractive.
(Actually the whole ability to not be judgemental is a HUGE plus! Even in my friends!)

Would he have to make six figures? No. I'd be happy if he owns his own house (like I do) because it shows commitment.
The guys that have assets over 500K tend to be suspicious and protective and that is unattractive - at least to me.

If he keeps changing cars every year, I suspect subconsciously he will want to trade me in too.
Stick-to-itiveness is a "thing".

Hobbies, especially creative ones. I admire any guy who is deeply into woodworking, glass blowing, landscaping - anything creative. Artists are a bit flaky and weird, but craftsmen get my attention. Skill and patience are something I like in a man. Programmers need those traits as well. 

More points if he reads relationship books and forums like this one. Can't do well at relationships if you don't study them. And if you're so put off by learning new stuff about relationships and how human beings work (specific and generally) , you're probably not open to adapting to a new mate.