Curious about the impact of COVID-19 on my affair partner's relationship with their spouse

[msoptimistic]

Although I have been distancing since Jan from MM, I was wondering how the isolation we are facing is having an effect on As. Two thoughts I’ve had: 1) Will being forced (and that’s almost where we’re at here) to “shelter in place” bring about a romantic reunion between MM and his wife OR 2) Will the stress of it drive a wedge between them? And what about the forced NC that this may bring? I have seen the social media posts about a baby boom coming in Dec but I’ve also seen where China’s divorce rate has skyrocketed. Any thoughts?

[simpycurious]

I am going to say that it brings them closer together.  They are able to spend more time together and perhaps their intimate interactions rise.

[msoptimistic]

I guess my next thought would be that it would depend on where they are relationship wise when the isolation begins? If they are on somewhat good terms then I guess it would bring them together. If they are in a bad space then I guess it would make it worse? 
But I guess even more importantly is how are the married women here who are in an affair going to be affected in their own marriage? Maybe this is a rest button to put the ON out of mind and focus on watering the grass where you already are?

[msoptimistic]

I think I should read my own posts before I submit! “Reset button” and OM!!!

[Lurker123]

I had these exact thoughts exactly! So far I have heard zero from MM, despite a week ago him telling me he though he might leave BS 😂

 

As I said in my post- I think this will bring out the true colours in a lot of people and make us realise a lot of things we may not have done before! Now I have my children home and am working from home it would be impossible for me to see him anyways as they will be with me all the time! 

[simpycurious]

Hopefully, these men will have some time to realize the error of their ways and focus on their family  Let's hope so.

[msoptimistic]

Yes! Being in an A at any stage is hard when catastrophe strikes. Even though it should be the furthest thing from my mind, I catch myself thinking about how it will be when they are forced together. I can see laughing and lovemaking then I see fighting and distance. Not that there is one single thing I could or would do to influence that situation but in times like these we just get so much on our minds. And that mind is the biggest battleground I face everyday. And not working obviously makes idle time even worse. We’re a long way from coming out on the other side of this and I have a feeling a lot of people are going to find out a lot more about what direction they want their A to take when we do!

[simpycurious]

9 minutes ago, msoptimistic said:

Yes! Being in an A at any stage is hard when catastrophe strikes. Even though it should be the furthest thing from my mind, I catch myself thinking about how it will be when they are forced together. I can see laughing and lovemaking then I see fighting and distance. Not that there is one single thing I could or would do to influence that situation but in times like these we just get so much on our minds. And that mind is the biggest battleground I face everyday. And not working obviously makes idle time even worse. We’re a long way from coming out on the other side of this and I have a feeling a lot of people are going to find out a lot more about what direction they want their A to take when we do!

That's a very astute post Ms.  Sometimes difficult times have a way of knocking sense into all of us or making us focus on what really is important in our lives.

In the end, family and our close relationships are what truly matter most. 

[msoptimistic]

Well I understand that those who have successfully and gracefully exited an A have done so with NC. Opposite of graceful, I’m kind of awkwardly leaving! But this crisis does offer perspective if we choose to be honest and force ourselves to be realistic. The MM will be exactly where he is supposed to be during this time and even if this were to miraculously open his eyes to wanting to be with his AP, we APs better be opening our eyes to what we would be getting. Lots and lots of time for reflection and putting ourself and our families and our priorities first. At least that’s how I’m trying to face this monster! 

[BaileyB]

As you have said, I can’t imagine anything worse than facing something as serious as a global pandemic and sitting at home - agonizing whether this crisis will bring my MM closer to his wife. You do have a lot of time to think right now... I hope when this crisis passes, you have the courage to go out there and find something better for your life - a man to provide you comfort, if and when another crisis occurs...

Edited March 20, 2020 by BaileyB

[msoptimistic]

Absolutely. Who would have ever thought that a worldwide pan(dem)ic would even happen much less force NC among so many people? It’s sad that at such a sad and scary time that our minds can become consumed with how it’s affecting their M! And I was really doing fairly well - well at least some good, strong days. My battle in the coming days is going to be fighting idleness because when I give my mind time to wander, I get all sorts of pictures playing in my head...and it’s irrelevant whether they logical or exaggerated. And it really bothers me that it bothers me that this might mend their M. Not.My.Business. My job is to concentrate on me and mine...I see lots of gardening and piano lessons and cooking and who knows what else in the coming weeks. Right now it’s me vs. my own mind!!!!

[simpycurious]

41 minutes ago, msoptimistic said:

Absolutely. Who would have ever thought that a worldwide pan(dem)ic would even happen much less force NC among so many people? It’s sad that at such a sad and scary time that our minds can become consumed with how it’s affecting their M! And I was really doing fairly well - well at least some good, strong days. My battle in the coming days is going to be fighting idleness because when I give my mind time to wander, I get all sorts of pictures playing in my head...and it’s irrelevant whether they logical or exaggerated. And it really bothers me that it bothers me that this might mend their M. Not.My.Business. My job is to concentrate on me and mine...I see lots of gardening and piano lessons and cooking and who knows what else in the coming weeks. Right now it’s me vs. my own mind!!!!

Why would it bother you for an M to be mended?  Don't let yourself be idle.  You can do things and still keep the "social distancing" in play.  Be creative and continue to LIVE

[msoptimistic]

Yes SimplyCurious! I have no idea why, when we are in fear for peoples’ lives, this would even cross my mind! I was simply curious if it had caused anyone else’s mind to go down this road. Unprecedented times and so many unknowns. I was moving forward before this outbreak and I will continue to do so, just a small hiccup for my journey, huge crisis in our real world. It just seems we wait for something to shake our AP into realizing they should be with us then we have a huge shake up that will more likely lead them toward mending their M. I just volunteered to help feed kids in our community,  having our first drive-in church on Sunday, signed up for a language class and enrolled in my next college degree program! Just been a day of reminiscing I guess!

Oh, and I believe one thing that led me down this road is the knowledge that he has very few health problems. Unfortunately, the health problem he does have Is not a good one for this virus. That’s probably where this all came from????

[Daisy2013]

Who knows, really, as every relationship is different.  On other boards, people are complaining about being stuck at home missing their AP.  Some marriages may reignite, some may get worse, and some may stay the same.  Two-week vacations have never changed anything, this one is just longer.  I’d say worry about oneself and focus on staying healthy.  

[msoptimistic]

Yes Daisy. I agree. Initial panic here! Weeks in isolation seems quite daunting. Getting back on track. Moving forward. How many times have I thought if I couldn’t talk to him it would make it easier cause that would take away me making a decision to contact! So here it is. But this whole thing does add a whole new level of misery that comes with being in an A!

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, msoptimistic said:

Yes SimplyCurious! I have no idea why, when we are in fear for peoples’ lives, this would even cross my mind! I was simply curious if it had caused anyone else’s mind to go down this road. Unprecedented times and so many unknowns. I was moving forward before this outbreak and I will continue to do so, just a small hiccup for my journey, huge crisis in our real world. It just seems we wait for something to shake our AP into realizing they should be with us then we have a huge shake up that will more likely lead them toward mending their M. I just volunteered to help feed kids in our community,  having our first drive-in church on Sunday, signed up for a language class and enrolled in my next college degree program! Just been a day of reminiscing I guess!

Oh, and I believe one thing that led me down this road is the knowledge that he has very few health problems. Unfortunately, the health problem he does have Is not a good one for this virus. That’s probably where this all came from????

You will be ok MSO.  Something tells me you are a tough lady with a lot to offer in any relationship.  That's awesome that you are helping kids. Our foundation is

doing something similar in providing meals and hopefully more.  It's daunting when you have the capacity to help others but you are so "hamstrung" on what you

can and cannot do.  TOO MUCH RED TAPE.....let's hope that out of this comes reduced bureaucracy as a whole. 

[hissecret]

In relation to my MM during these times, he calls me numerous times a day, before work, during work, after work and when home. We have been in constant communication. As of Tuesday, I have seen him everyday and he goes home when he goes to pick up the kids. 

A friend of mine who is in a horrible marriage but does have a boyfriend, she has made provisions to see him as well. 

I think this quarantine will definitely show true colors. Either way, I know you ladies will bounce back even better than before and make decisions based on your own wants and needs!  

[mark clemson]

My thought is that generally it makes you appreciate "having someone" who has your back/shares your life more. That said, I agree with some folks above that it is likely over time to intensify whatever's already there. So if at the core they get along, the time together could improve things. But if they really can't stand each other anymore, being forced to spend time together may intensify that.

[msoptimistic]

Curious hissecret....if your area were to go into a complete lockdown would you still be able to maintain that communication? If not, would you worry about what was going on in his home?

i think we’ll all come out ok and if we play our cards right, even better!!! I don’t think I can help but worry a bit about his health but I’ll have to keep that in check! After all, he has a wife for that!!!

[hissecret]

34 minutes ago, msoptimistic said:

Curious hissecret....if your area were to go into a complete lockdown would you still be able to maintain that communication? If not, would you worry about what was going on in his home?

i think we’ll all come out ok and if we play our cards right, even better!!! I don’t think I can help but worry a bit about his health but I’ll have to keep that in check! After all, he has a wife for that!!!

Hi @msoptimistic! Technically we are on a lockdown! We are only able to go to grocery stores, doctors, places of essential needs, work and back home! If there were a more strict lockdown, he will find a way. He has talked to me in the car in the garage for hours. He has went into his mancave and chatted with me, etc. 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry what happens in his home. I truly do believe what he says, as I have lived a life like his! If anything, this would make him come to me more and appreciate what we have.

Yes, playing our cards right!!  I ask him everyday what is he eating, is he protecting himself at work, etc. It is so natural to worry a little about those things! It's in our nature!!!  But worrying about you will be best in this scenario! Be the best you, you can be!  

[msoptimistic]

Thanks for sharing hissecret! I think I got tired of the secret part when I decided to move on. Actually his thing became that his little boy deserved to have mom and dad in the same house and I wouldn’t argue with that. Even with the level of fighting that I knew was going on in the home. Just another tactic on his part.

You sound very content in your relationship. That’s what I’m working to improve at home. Looking back,  how crazy would I have been to dump a loving, caring, reliable man for a liar (my MM - not yours!!!). Best of luck to you and I hope it works out exactly like you want!

[hissecret]

16 hours ago, msoptimistic said:

Thanks for sharing hissecret! I think I got tired of the secret part when I decided to move on. Actually his thing became that his little boy deserved to have mom and dad in the same house and I wouldn’t argue with that. Even with the level of fighting that I knew was going on in the home. Just another tactic on his part.

You sound very content in your relationship. That’s what I’m working to improve at home. Looking back,  how crazy would I have been to dump a loving, caring, reliable man for a liar (my MM - not yours!!!). Best of luck to you and I hope it works out exactly like you want!

Hi @msoptimistic! I hope you are holding up over there! I am sure moving on is hurtful! Bad days always turn into better ones! I am going to take a look at your thread! From this, are you currently in a relationship and started seeing a MM on the side? 

Let me go read! lol 

[msoptimistic]

hissecret...I have been all over the map!! Let’s see, a little over 7 years! Been on here looking for anyone to tell me he was going to dump his wife and coming running to me all the way looking for support because I was going NC come hell or high water! And I have landed somewhere in between. I am forcing myself every single day to think with my head and keep my heart out of it! He is and was a cheater. The hardest thing for me was imagining his W being blissfully happy and the “winner”. Once I got that outta my head and realized that I am the winner by NOT having him in my life, I’ve been a little better. I wanted to be happy being the OW but it just honestly got old. So we’re at some point of breaking away. I think this crisis will expedite it and that’s probably a good thing. The panic of the past few days through me into a tailspin! Not being past this is going to be an extra stressor during this time but I’m praying and hoping I get stronger as the coming weeks go by!

I may be misreading your post and it surely is not my business but I’m wondering if you have found contentment being the OW? I just never could get there. And “none of your business “ is an acceptable answer if I’m being too nosey!

[MadlyDeeply]

Hello msoptomistic, how are you coping with the distancing, are you preparing yourself for the final goodbye? i know exactly where your coming from, I've been trying to do the same as you on here, desperately wanting someone, anyone to tell me all will work out the way i want it, obviously no-one could possibly tell me, i can't tell myself, mm can't even tell me! I've even just wanted reassurance that my mm loves me even though we can't be together at the moment or ever. I know what we share is real and what we are like together, so my heart has now accepted that he loves me and i feel better accepting my ow role. I have good days and bad days though cause i love him so much and my mind is against me sometimes. I would rather share part of his life than nothing at all. My children are also young so being the best mum i can to them is my priority but if they were grown i would be focussing more on why two people who love each other so much can't be together. Also because my mm has been with his W for 35yrs i have learnt to accept maybe he loves his security(not his w) more than he loves me, sad but true. 

I think the isolation we are all facing will be a good test to see how strong we really are with our a partners. I'm looking forward to spending the time I'm not at work playing games with my children, baking, reading, teaching them the best I can, leading a normal life as much as I can in these terrible times. 

I will miss my mm as much as I always do but life goes on and we must be grateful for what we have got in life. 

[ABernie]

Well, just my own life experience.  XH and I are very friendly; pretty good coparents.  I invited him to stay the shelter in place with us so he and the kids could have a stable place and thought maybe it would help with the kids distance learning and having to work at home.  I'm ready to kick him out!  He's of no use.   I had no intention of rekindle, but it has reinforced why we need to live separately.