How do I do this without being an A-hole?

[littleblackheart]

On 3/20/2020 at 4:17 PM, EarlOfPreston said:

she doesn't seem to mind when I bring her coffee, or breakfast, or lunch, or dinner to her at work, or when I helped her with her rent, or the birthday and Christmas presents, etc.... But when I ask her to get together with me, she either can't go, or doesn't answer at all.

You're not wrong for wanting a clear answer, but you likely won't get one because of the above ^^.

 

She won't give you a straight up no because, presumably, she doesn't you to stop doing all these things for her. 

 

Sounds like your colleagues are right. Sorry, OP. I personally would stop doing all these things for her, and set up clear boundaries. You'll soon know what she actually thinks of you.

[neowulf]

This is the line of thinking that leads people to lay stalking charges.

You are not owed a clear answer.  It would be nice to get one, but you're not owed it.

You are the one who gets to define your boundaries.  If you feel you're being used, then stop engaging in activies and choices that lead you to feeling used.

It seems very clear to everyone who's responded that the women is clearly not interested in dating you.

She may enjoy the attention and gifts, but that doesn't mean she see's you as relationship material.

My friend, it's a huge world. It's got 7 billion people in it.  At least half of those are women.

You don't need to waste your time and energy chasing people who don't really want you. 

Even if you some how convince her to date you, how do you see that working out?  

You can't make people love you.  Don't waste your time and energy trying.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't get how guys can be like "she's rude and using me" -

And then instead of being like "lol I'm done with this dumb bag,"

It's always "HOW DO I GET HER TO GIVE ME ATTENTION?"

You want to date a woman who is rude and entitled?

 

 

[HappySenior]

On 3/20/2020 at 3:16 PM, EarlOfPreston said:

Well, seeing how that is a literal impossibility, then yes I will believe that.

You see, it's the exact OPPOSITE. If she didn't want to and just told me that, I would understand that completely. It's the NOT ANSWERING that is unacceptable. I don't know why everyone has such a hard time understanding that.

I don't think everyone has a hard time understanding that.
You are having a hard time accepting the reality that if a woman doesn't answer when you ask her out, that means no.
You may not like it, you may not think it's fair. But that IS how it works for some women - especially ones who do not like to reject people outright and are uncomfortable.

Unacceptable? I guess reality is unacceptable to you then. There is no possible way for you to try to bring her in to your desired reality without being an a**h***.
Two types of power: Personal power (what you do is only up to you) and power over (trying to make someone conform to your beliefs.

 

[ChatroomHero]

On 3/20/2020 at 2:53 PM, EarlOfPreston said:

Again, she didn't give me an answer over and over.... That's the whole point! Women say "no," by using the word "no," just like anyone else does. And, again, she didn't say no five times. She said yes once, I can't once, and didn't answer 3 other times. I DON'T WANT a blunt confrontation! That's the whole premise of this thread.... Of how to AVOID that!

Your mistake is you are only counting what she says and not what she does. As much as you think women are always direct and will/should just say, "no, not interested" think of the other side. If she is interested it's really easy and a good thing if she says Yes. If she is not interested it is not always easy for her to tell you directly and see you sad or angry or bitter or jealous. 

The way you avoid blunt confrontation is realizing asking her directly does nothing for you. You already know the answer you are just dwelling on the 1% positive and not factoring in the negative...like she has not agreed to date you despite multiple attempts and her knowing you want to date her. Frankly I would not buy her gifts, coffee, etc., because I think you are doing it with the expectation that she will take it as a romantic gesture when really it sounds like she is just taking a gift from an orbiter.

 

[smackie9]

You sir is what they call a doormat. She's simply using you, because you are so easily suckered in by her flirtatious demeanor. It's like dangling a carrot in front of your face...you keep grabbing it, and she snatches it away each time. You keep asking her out and she turns away, or gives some excuse. You have asked her out 5 times and no date has happened yet...good chances are it ain't gonna happen. Cut her off, delete/block and walk away.

[neowulf]

On 3/24/2020 at 4:50 AM, Kitty Tantrum said:

I don't get how guys can be like "she's rude and using me" -

And then instead of being like "lol I'm done with this dumb bag,"

It's always "HOW DO I GET HER TO GIVE ME ATTENTION?"

You want to date a woman who is rude and entitled?

 

 

I am deeply sorry to have to admit it, but they're thinking with their dicks.

It's really that simple.  The urge to screw an attractive prospect seems to overide any other thought process for some people.

I imagine it's a simlar reason that attractive people simply get away with far more than average looking people do.

Sex appeal is a super power.

Edited March 26, 2020 by neowulf

[chillii]

 

5 times , holy smoke ,  you've got your answer right there buddy whether you speak hint or not it's pretty clear , forget about her it ain't gonna happen .

[Tacomaman]

I feel for you bud, but here is a reality check:

You have already made the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th move etc.

If she decides that she wants to go out with you, then she will get in touch with you. 

In the meantime, focus your efforts elsewhere.

Best of luck.....)

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

I agree that there's no way to ask her this Q without coming off...well, I wouldn't say a**h*** but I would say you're going to seem kind of like you're begging, or hanging on and kind of pitiable.

You already know the answer is actually no, so demanding that she actually come right out and say it will not only seem odd and controlling, it will also turn her from just not being attracted to you, to thinking you're really "off" and possibly that you're a bully.

Someone here said we women are conditioned not to outright say no because we've had really bad reactions when we do (which can be scary for us), and that's so true. It's a reason, not an excuse, mind you. Whether or not you believe a woman should come right out and say it anyway, whether or not technically we should all come right out and say things we fear to say, you do know that what she really means is "no." Pushing her on it will seem uncomfortable and possibly weird to her no matter how nicely you say it and you'll only wind up feeling humiliated when she feels forced to comply. So just move on and keep your dignity. She isn't the right one for you.

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Ruby Slippers]

You are what's termed by the manosphere an "orbiter." You orbit around a woman who isn't attracted to you but keeps you in her orbit because she enjoys the free stuff and attention. 

As I see it, you're wasting precious energy. 

[Redhead14]

I can't say that you're an assh*le.  Dense is the more accurate word.  This girl has no interest in dating you.  You cannot control whether or not she responds and you have absolutely no rights whatsoever regarding that either.  You are not entitled to a response.   What you do have control over and a right to do, is to stop asking her and move on.  She really doesn't owe you a doggoned thing. Nothing, nada.  You're pursuing her, she didn't ask you for anything.  You can call it rude that she's not answering or you can call it "not entertaining someone who has become a pest".  If it were me, I'd just block a guy who was slow on the uptake. 

[preraph]

OP hasn't posted in awhile.  I hope that means he accepted reality or at least got past the anger phase...

[Redhead14]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

OP hasn't posted in awhile.  I hope that means he accepted reality or at least got past the anger phase...

Or he's been arrested for breaching a restraining order

[Fletch Lives]

Ah, the story of the nice, naive guy who does not understand women.

This reminds me of a story......once I was sitting at a bar and this guy came in, who was 35 years older than the barmaid, and gave her a gift. She just shrugged her shoulders.

Your friends are right, she's using you. And now you want to tell her off because she does not want to go on a date with you and you are too thick-headed to get it? You like her but she does not like you. Go find another girl who actually likes you. And stop doing stuff for women to win their affection - you are wasting your time and money. It's not that women lie - the problem is some guys don't listen with their gut. Wake up and smell the coffee - it's not a coffee date.

Edited April 17, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Noproblem]

here is what I think she is either using you like your friends are saying, so she doesn't say no so that she can keep using you.

Or she genuinely likes you as her friend but can't break your heart by saying no..

Or she likes but she has deep issues we all are not aware of

 

Either way, I think since you like her more than a friend and she doesn't feel the same or does not show that. It is time to fade away slowly and then stop talking to her like before. Stop investing time and money in this relationship because it's one-sided and you'll end up the one that got hurt!

[spiderowl]

I don't think this woman should have accepted help with her rent but then again I don't know her circumstances or what the discussion was about.

She is avoiding saying a direct 'no' to you because she does not want a confrontation and probably does not want to hurt you.  She is avoiding dating you though, otherwise you would have been dating her by now.

She is probably a very charming, attractive woman who gets on well with a lot of people.  Maybe she dallied with dating you but then changed her mind for some reason.  Maybe she is still flirting, I don't know, but I do know that guys often misinterpret friendliness and kindness as flirting.  If a woman smiles at a guy, it can be interpreted as flirting if a guy likes her.

I am sorry she is not interested in dating as it is clear you are very keen on her.  I think you need to drop the idea though and look elsewhere for a nice woman.  You are wasting a lot of time on this woman and it is not going anywhere.

I also know that, once attached to someone, it is hard to detach and feel emotionally free to look elsewhere or consider others.  It is something you need to look at though and work on detaching.

 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by spiderowl

[IndigoNight]

There is a song called Freewill by Rush, and this thread made me think of it.

There are those who think that life
Has nothing left to chance
A host of holy horrors
To direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings
We dance on the strings
Of powers we cannot perceive
The stars aren't aligned
Or the gods are malign
Blame is better to give than receive

You can choose a ready guide
In some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice....

~~~~

Some people have difficulty saying no, or rejecting someone, because they don't want to be the 'bad guy' or hurt someones feelings. Thankfully, most people will take the hint, and understand that the interest that they feel is not mutual.

Every once in a while there is that person who couldn't take a hint to save their life. They search for the tiniest little crumbs of interest so they can keep their hopes up. It is maddening! It's almost as if they force you to be mean to them, because when you're being gentle about things they just don't get it. Nope, you've got to say "No!" without any inflections, or explanations. Saying something like, "You're a really nice guy, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now." turns into "She thinks I'm nice, and might be interested when she's looking for a relationship" which was absolutely not what was said, or meant.

It really is as simple as understanding that if you show interest in someone and it is not openly reciprocated in some way, the person is letting you down gently. For example, if you're always taking a person food, and they never try to return the favor, you're not dating material, you're a delivery service. 

No means no. So does not eagerly accepting an invite/date. Giving someone vague, non-committal answers also means no. Not returning calls or texts in a timely matter, means they just aren't that into you (when translated means NO). Your calls get sent to voicemail in the first ring 90%And so on.

The vast majority seem to understand that, which is why it's so difficult when there is that one person in our life that lives in the land of denial. You just about  have to drop a "NO!" anvil on their head. Sometimes even that isn't enough. It's maddening!! Thereis no great mystery or hidden meaning. 

 

Sorry for any typos. It's been a long day.