Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Hi, Long it’s alert! So around a month ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional (somewhat physical) relationship with a co-worker. At first he admitted, after not returning home following a night out, that he had been with another woman but said it was not someone he knew and it was a one off. Skip 2 days and I was still not convinced so I checked his phone and found messages that confirmed he had met up with this person and it was someone from work. Eventually got the truth that it was a girl from work and that they had been meeting up for around 6 weeks. The ground slipped from under me and I have been devastated ever since. She is gorgeous, over 10 years younger than me and he says he has feelings for her but that he still loves me. I am gutted but I love him and I do not want to split up our family. He says he loves me and can’t bear to hurt me but the affair is continuing, only now it is with my knowledge. I can’t help but see this as some sort of midlife crisis and in my desperation to preserve my marriage have told him that he should ‘get it out of his system’ and that I would still be here. There have been a few nights where he had met up with her, which I have known about but tonight is the night. She has booked them a hotel and they r staying overnight together, to sleep together for the first time. I know people must think I’m crazy, and right now I feel it! But this has been arranged with my full knowledge, although she is unaware that I know about it. My husband has been honest about it and says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. He tells me I am beautiful and that I should be confident that he will always be with me. But tonight, I cannot get it out of my mind that he is with her and cementing their physical relationship. Has anyone successfully navigated issues like this in their marriage and stayed together? I guess I am looking for a bit of hope and confirmation that I’m not mad for still loving him and wanting him. Thanks x Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Wallymum4 said: but tonight is the night. She has booked them a hotel and they r staying overnight together, to sleep together for the first time. Well, since you have agreed to it, I suggest you google "compersion" and read up on how poly couples deal with their jealousy. I also suggest that you get on online dating and arrange your own side dish so that when he's out with his, you can supplement your time with someone new which will ease your angst about what he's up to. You've opened up a can of worms so you might as well make the best of it. Please sit down with him and talk about rules and boundaries that you both will adhere to so that he doesn't forget his promise to "always be with you." and you remember who your primary partner is as well. P.S. I have been in a decades long monogamous relationship and my suggestions are only from being well read. Edited March 20, 2020 by Beendaredonedat added 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 Unfortunately I do not want anyone else. I guess that is where part of the problem lies. Am I completely crazy to think that he will just get this out of his system and come back to me? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 13 minutes ago, Wallymum4 said: Am I completely crazy to think that he will just get this out of his system and come back to me? The ONLY chance you have of that happening is if you walk away and go NC. He says he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you then let him prove it. Otherwise, his words are nothing but lies he's telling you in order to keep you while he has sex with a younger, beautiful woman. As long as you put up with this he will do it. Besides how do you feel having to compete with her after he has slept with her? This is going to lower your self esteem and make you constantly feel insecure. When you stand up for yourself and let him know you love you more than you love him he'll respect you more. Why doesn't this girl know that he was given permission by you to spend the night with him? Does she even know he's married? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Hey, he now knows he can lie to you and cheat and you'll just let him, so don't expect this to end here. It will be one right after the other, not a great example for your kids you standing by endorsing that. Your son will think it's fine for men to lie and philander and your daughter will look for a man who will do the same because that will be normal. Don't think they won't figure it out eventually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: The ONLY chance you have of that happening is if you walk away and go NC. He says he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you then let him prove it. Otherwise, his words are nothing but lies he's telling you in order to keep you while he has sex with a younger, beautiful woman. As long as you put up with this he will do it. Besides how do you feel having to compete with her after he has slept with her? This is going to lower your self esteem and make you constantly feel insecure. When you stand up for yourself and let him know you love you more than you love him he'll respect you more. Why doesn't this girl know that he was given permission by you to spend the night with him? Does she even know he's married? Than you for your reply. Honestly I feel like sh*t! We have 4 children and I love him still so it’s not so easy to just walk away. I know for my own self respect I should probably just say that I can’t do this anymore but I am so scared he will choose her. I want to be strong and empowered and say that I am in control here but I am in free fall honestly. She knows he’s married and his whole situation but he has asked me not to contact her etc So she has no idea I know about it all. He has not told her that I know as he thinks it will ‘upset her’. It is awkward as she is in his team at work and we all work for same, albeit large company. He’s concerned it will affect work. He said he is not ready to be forced into a decision. He says it is killing him to see me upset but the relationship with her has continued. I think he is getting a huge ego boost by realising such a person could be attracted to him while I have ‘let myself go’ after 4 children and 11 years of marriage. I fully admit I had got complacent and it is haunting me every day that I could have been responsible for pushing him in her direction! But I hold onto his promises that he will always come back to me and always love me. Delusional as that makes me ☹️ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 23 minutes ago, preraph said: Hey, he now knows he can lie to you and cheat and you'll just let him, It's not "cheating" if she agrees to him having other partners. Its an agreement. Hopefully they are smart enough not to disclose to their children what they do sexually. @Wallymum4You are not responsible for "pushing him" into anything. He has made a choice, a choice that you are clearly not okay with. I suggest you tell him that you'll not be putting up with such an arrangement and then go see a lawyer and perhaps book yourself an appointment with your doctor for a referral to a therapist that will hopefully give you tools that will hone your self-worth and confidence. Ask him what he'd think of you getting yourself another guy while he watched the four children. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 This is NOT a recommendation, but - how much would a divorce cost him? That might be a factor. Unfortunately, affairs can be addictive. My thought is it will take a firm and concerted effort on your part to make him end it. He may even agree to end it, but then carry it forward with greater secrecy, so you'll need to keep half an eye on him even if the situation is "addressed". Things like open marriages need to be done with consent from both partners, so I don't think you should accept this. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Ask him to watch the kids while you go out on a date and see what happens. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Wallymum4 said: At first he admitted, after not returning home following a night out, that he had been with another woman but said it was not someone he knew and it was a one off. That sounds a tad nonchalant, has he a history of cheating on you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Wallymum4 said: He said he is not ready to be forced into a decision. Tell this idiot that he already made THE decision to marry you and have 4 kids. I agree to see an attorney and find out your rights. I'm sure paying child support for 4 kids will take some of the fun out of his little affair. He won't have much left to spend on her. You also need to exercise to keep your stress levels down and to get in shape. I'm sure this is making you lose your appetite right now so the weight will come off. Just exercise to tone up. What does he expect you to tell the kids why Daddy is away all night long? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 1 hour ago, Wallymum4 said: I know for my own self respect I should probably just say that I can’t do this anymore but I am so scared he will choose her. I want to be strong and empowered and say that I am in control here but I am in free fall honestly. Of course you are in a free fall right now. I have a feeling that the morning after he returns from his overnight with her perhaps your ANGER STAGE will kick in and then you will see him differently. This woman works where you work also? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 20, 2020 Share Posted March 20, 2020 Reading your post made me very sad. I can tell that you know what he's doing is wrong for you and yet you are stuck. You love him. Do you respect him? Is he respecting you or is he demonstrating exactly what his love consists of and what it's worth? I feel very sad tonight. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 46 minutes ago, elaine567 said: That sounds a tad nonchalant, has he a history of cheating on you? We had an instance of messaging someone on social media which got found out before anything happened which was over 5 years ago x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 5 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Reading your post made me very sad. I can tell that you know what he's doing is wrong for you and yet you are stuck. You love him. Do you respect him? Is he respecting you or is he demonstrating exactly what his love consists of and what it's worth? I feel very sad tonight. I love him and don’t know how not to! But I know there is a lack of respect and yet if I bring it up he gets angry an says how can I not c how much he loves me! I fear the love is for what was and not what is, no matter how hard I try or want it to be something different x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 20, 2020 Author Share Posted March 20, 2020 16 minutes ago, stillafool said: Of course you are in a free fall right now. I have a feeling that the morning after he returns from his overnight with her perhaps your ANGER STAGE will kick in and then you will see him differently. This woman works where you work also? I have felt angry but my overwhelming feeling is fear. I don’t see this woman everyday as it is a large company but I know who she is, not sure she knows me by sight but she is aware of me. x Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 You're obviously not ok with this so call him and tell him to get his ass back home immediately or he'll be dealing with HR for having sex with someone in his team. Let the OW know you're aware of exactly who she is and the consequences if she continues the affair. Your husband disrespects you because you are letting him and he is quite frankly enjoying the ego boost. 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 23 minutes ago, stillafool said: Tell this idiot that he already made THE decision to marry you and have 4 kids. I agree to see an attorney and find out your rights. I'm sure paying child support for 4 kids will take some of the fun out of his little affair. He won't have much left to spend on her. You also need to exercise to keep your stress levels down and to get in shape. I'm sure this is making you lose your appetite right now so the weight will come off. Just exercise to tone up. What does he expect you to tell the kids why Daddy is away all night long? My kids already have sensed something is not quite right, eldest 2 r 11 and 9 and they r worried but I have reassured them no matter what we love them unconditionally and will be there for them no matter what! Is it worse to live like this to keep the kids happy? Previous xperience of this would be great to hear x Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 Yes he loves you soooo much he wants to hurt you by flouting his other woman in your face... What kind of a love is that? He holds all the cards, he knows you are going nowhere, so he can do as he pleases, be prepared for this to get worse. He has a ready made housekeeper and nanny at home and you also work to pay the bills, whilst he can act like a single man with his mistress. What's not to like? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 At the very least move his stuff out of your bedroom. Make it clear you're no longer going to be his 'wife' while he's having sex with another woman. Stop doing anything to mange his life easier, stop cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes. Look up a process called the 180 and use it. Find your anger and utilise it, you can't 'nice' your husband back, he'll just continue to cake eat until you find your power. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes he loves you soooo much he wants to hurt you by flouting his other woman in your face... What kind of a love is that? He holds all the cards, he knows you are going nowhere, so he can do as he pleases, be prepared for this to get worse. He has a ready made housekeeper and nanny at home and you also work to pay the bills, whilst he can act like a single man with his mistress. What's not to like? I know right, I am just a doormat. I completely understand where u r coming from. But what are my other options? The thought of not being with him tears me apart and what about my boys? A When all they see at home is love from him towards me, if I was to break up that dynamic I would be the bad guy. I would never tell my boys about it, they idolise their dad Making a rod for my own back I guess x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 How disrespectful of him to tell you the affair is continuing! I would not stand for this. It tells you he will do whatever the heck he wants, while you have to stand for this. How humiliating! I would ask him to move out of the house immediately. If you do nothing and allow this, it is massive disrespect for yourself. I cannot believe a man would matter of factly tell his wife about an affair and likewise rubbing it in your face that you dont matter. Can you initiate a separation from this man? He has snacked young the face with a massive amount of disrespect? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said: Well, since you have agreed to it, I suggest you google "compersion" and read up on how poly couples deal with their jealousy. I also suggest that you get on online dating and arrange your own side dish so that when he's out with his, you can supplement your time with someone new which will ease your angst about what he's up to. You've opened up a can of worms so you might as well make the best of it. Please sit down with him and talk about rules and boundaries that you both will adhere to so that he doesn't forget his promise to "always be with you." and you remember who your primary partner is as well. P.S. I have been in a decades long monogamous relationship and my suggestions are only from being well read. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Its so hard to separate the emotion from the real life situation. I want him to be happy and if that’s not with me then it will hurt me desperately but what will be. Losing over a stone in weight in 3 weeks and being as affectionate, enjoying Sex together etc hasn’t stopped tonight from happening. I have tried to rectify the things that were lacking and to show him how strongly I feel about him. Just so hard to imagine him not being my person x Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Luna66star said: I cannot believe a man would matter of factly tell his wife about an affair and likewise rubbing it in your face that you dont matter. He had done it before and the OP stayed, he KNEW she was not going to leave. He has her by the short and curlies, 4 kids... She is going to stay, she is not even going to tell the kids nor I guess anyone else, there are no bad consequences for him whatsoever. He gets to continue being the good guy, the loving husband and father to the world Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Share Posted March 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, Luna66star said: How disrespectful of him to tell you the affair is continuing! I would not stand for this. It tells you he will do whatever the heck he wants, while you have to stand for this. How humiliating! I would ask him to move out of the house immediately. If you do nothing and allow this, it is massive disrespect for yourself. I cannot believe a man would matter of factly tell his wife about an affair and likewise rubbing it in your face that you dont matter. Can you initiate a separation from this man? He has snacked young the face with a massive amount of disrespect? I dragged the truth out of him and demanded he keep being honest with me. I feel responsible cos in a moment of madness I said that he should get this out of his system. When I tried to speak about it and say I had changed my mind about it, I felt bad and like I was being manipulative. This is his house financially, I would never tell him to leave. It wouldn’t happen and I’m not sure I want it to x Link to post Share on other sites
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