healing light Posted March 21, 2020 Share Posted March 21, 2020 23 hours ago, Wallymum4 said: But I know there is a lack of respect and yet if I bring it up he gets angry an says how can I not c how much he loves me! DARVO. Deny Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Classic tactic used by gaslighters/abusers/cluster B personality disorders, etc. in order to manipulate someone and take the heat off their own actions. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 13 hours ago, Wallymum4 said: He has asked me not to speak to anyone about this all so I do feel a bit isolated. Again, only gives a f*** about himself. Not one f*** given for how you feel. He doesn't want you to tell anyone about what he did so he will face zero consequences for his actions. He cares more about what other people think of him than his own wife's feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 On 3/20/2020 at 5:29 PM, Wallymum4 said: have told him that he should ‘get it out of his system’ and that I would still be here. That, ^^^ is giving him your consent. Wallymum, what are you actually going to do. Are you going to stay in this marriage while he devastates you? Are you going to sit him down and tell him it's her or you and that if it's you, you both need to go to marriage counseling? Are you going to get your own therapy so you can learn some tools on how to get the confidence to look after what YOU need from him in order to feel he loves and values you? Are you going to just go with the flow? Never mind what those in your thread are thinking? What are you thinking? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 My parents got into fights, and it absolutely paralyzed me with fear. oddly they always acted like it had nothing to do with me and as if I wouldn't even know it was going on but I could hear every word and I would just get in a fetal position in my room and hunker down in fear. So no staying together for the kids not a good decision if things are really bad and it's mostly because you're teaching your daughter to put up with that behavior and teaching your son that it's okay to be that way. it's mostly that you're modeling that for your children that is harmful in the long run, but yes it is miserable when your parents are unhappy. as far as modeling it's better to show them that you don't put up with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 Even if you are not fighting 24/7, kids pick up on depressed, upset mothers who are pandering to straying fathers, who are keeping the peace, who are holding it all in and together "for the sake of the kids". There is no genuine joie de vivre, no real happiness, no real fun... it is all tainted by the lack of real "love". Cheating ruins relationships. Depressed, upset and hurt parents are not good role models for any kid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 If it were me I would want to divorce and then get all the child support for those kids and likely you would end up still in that house because you have to have somewhere to put the kids so it's either that or he has to help pay for another place. what you need to be aware of his that he's probably spending money on this other woman so the sooner you cut that off the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 On 3/20/2020 at 9:25 PM, Wallymum4 said: I know right, I am just a doormat. I completely understand where u r coming from. But what are my other options? The thought of not being with him tears me apart and what about my boys? A When all they see at home is love from him towards me, if I was to break up that dynamic I would be the bad guy. I would never tell my boys about it, they idolise their dad Making a rod for my own back I guess x if you have sons, you have an extra reaosn to demand better treatment. He is teaching your sons how to treat their romantic partner,s and the same is true for your daughters. While you accept it, you will also be teaching them to accept poor treatment. Oh, and trust me on this one, kids are a lot more savvy than you think. they may already know something up, just not what. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 22, 2020 Share Posted March 22, 2020 Kids always know what's up to some extent. They see how you're treated and they feel the tension in the air. They are also good on computers and may have hacked your husband themselves and know all about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 What you're experiencing is actually abuse. He gaslights, manipulates and has extra marital relationships...he doesn't love you. You don't love yourself enough. If you loved and had self confidence, and respect, you wouldn't be in this situation. She is his priority now..he will bend over backwards to please her... while you sit home crying and looking after your children. You don't have to kick him out, just begin to detach yourself from him emotionally. Google the infidelity 180 and start to implement it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbows Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Hi Wallymum - just tried to PM you but it said you couldnt recieve messages? Anyone know why? Anyway I wanted to say - I still love my husband after his affair, I lost 5 stone in weight and 14 months on now since he left, he's still with the OW and I am still in pain, looking after our family. Id still have him back. Not sure Id be willing to knowingly allow him to sleep with the OW as a 'get it out of your system' hall pass, but I was sticking my head in the sand this past year trying to deny that the affair was ongoing (he wouldnt tell me eitherway) It made it better for me that my husbands OW was uglier, fatter and older than me...if she had been physically more attractive than me etc, my self esteem (which is already zero) would have been hit even harder I think! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 10 minutes ago, Rainbows said: Hi Wallymum - just tried to PM you but it said you couldnt recieve messages? Anyone know why? Anyway I wanted to say - I still love my husband after his affair, I lost 5 stone in weight and 14 months on now since he left, he's still with the OW and I am still in pain, looking after our family. Id still have him back. Not sure Id be willing to knowingly allow him to sleep with the OW as a 'get it out of your system' hall pass, but I was sticking my head in the sand this past year trying to deny that the affair was ongoing (he wouldnt tell me eitherway) It made it better for me that my husbands OW was uglier, fatter and older than me...if she had been physically more attractive than me etc, my self esteem (which is already zero) would have been hit even harder I think! The OP is a new member and can't receive or send private messages yet. But it's a good thing because your story may help others now or in the future so it's better you posted it here. I'm sorry for what you are going through but please stop defining yourself of what the OW looks like. It's a hard thing to get over someone you love but you owe it to yourself and to your kids. Be strong, things will get better in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 This story hurts to read. I remember being paralyzed by fear when I found out about my husband's affair. Afraid he would leave me. Like you, we have 4 kids. I didnt know what to do. I wanted nothing more than to keep my family together. But the whole thing killed me. I couldnt get out of bed a lot of days. Didnt eat anything. Lots 20 lbs and was way below a healthy weight. The disrespect he showed me was slowly eating away my sanity. My kids definitely saw it and suffered because of it. But what was worse was the lack of respect I had for myself. So I filed for divorce. Let me tell you what happened? I went from feeling like a weak, pathetic woman not even deserving my kids respect, to being a strong indepent woman realizing I am worth so much more. Guess what else happened, so did he. But for me, it was too late, I couldn't go back to that. The more weak and pathetic you come across, the less attractive you are. So find your back bone. Demand more for yourself. And get stepping. You will find what you are made of which brings on so much confidence and accomplishment... and maybe he will realize it. Demand that he stops. Demand he starts seeking help for his obvious weakness and seld esteem problems. This isnt a you problem, this is him. He has the problem. Not you. Do not let him convince you otherwise, and make sure you let him know it is him. He is weak and pathetic that he needs some little attention for his little frail ego. Dont let him have this power over you. Demand a good honest man or leave his sorry rear. 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Such a hard thing to deal with. Glad you came out the better for it Starswillshine. Lack of respect is the dealbreaker for me, and it should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbows Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Let me tell you what happened? I went from feeling like a weak, pathetic woman not even deserving my kids respect, to being a strong indepent woman realizing I am worth so much more. Guess what else happened, so did he. But for me, it was too late, I couldn't go back to that. The more weak and pathetic you come across, the less attractive you are. So find your back bone. Demand more for yourself. And get stepping. You will find what you are made of which brings on so much confidence and accomplishment... and maybe he will realize it. Starswillshine, as I also begged my husband to return to our family - my friends advice to me was always to move on and he look back, he will realise what he's sacrificing, he will panic, he will regret... But let me say, despite my begging - I felt strong, because I was fighting FOR my family, to save it, to re-build it for me, for him and for our two innocent babies. Well its been 3 months since I decided to STOP messaging him/begging him. I would have hoped this 'shock' ending to my messages from me would have had an impact, that I would have seen this dramatic 'turn around' tactic that my friends said would probably happen... Instead he hasnt seen or been in touch with me or his children. So although I stopped the begging, 'appearing strong'... I am still here, 'secretly' loving him and hoping he'd return. Everything I read tells me affairs dont last and yet here I witness one which seems to be, and THAT makes me feel worse than ever. OP that could end up being the case for you - waiting and waiting and waiting. Id spend hours at night reading the advice online, and it all made sence to me - to move forward and make them realise you are valuable and not worth taking any risk of, but even though it made sence - and its what Id advise you - I could never do it myself Edited March 29, 2020 by Rainbows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 58 minutes ago, Rainbows said: Starswillshine, as I also begged my husband to return to our family - my friends advice to me was always to move on and he look back, he will realise what he's sacrificing, he will panic, he will regret... But let me say, despite my begging - I felt strong, because I was fighting FOR my family, to save it, to re-build it for me, for him and for our two innocent babies. Well its been 3 months since I decided to STOP messaging him/begging him. I would have hoped this 'shock' ending to my messages from me would have had an impact, that I would have seen this dramatic 'turn around' tactic that my friends said would probably happen... Instead he hasnt seen or been in touch with me or his children. So although I stopped the begging, 'appearing strong'... I am still here, 'secretly' loving him and hoping he'd return. Everything I read tells me affairs dont last and yet here I witness one which seems to be, and THAT makes me feel worse than ever. OP that could end up being the case for you - waiting and waiting and waiting. Id spend hours at night reading the advice online, and it all made sence to me - to move forward and make them realise you are valuable and not worth taking any risk of, but even though it made sence - and its what Id advise you - I could never do it myself Him not bothering with his children should tell you all you need to know. He's a selfish waste of space and a poor role model of a father. He probably wasn't that good of a dad before he left. A good father wouldn't abandon his kids because he's found another woman. What kind of a family does he come from? Do they know about it? Your children don't need an unreliable father, who couldn't give a damn about them. Shame on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 He is nothing than a pig of a man. You don’t have to do what he wants or he will still just be a cake eating selfish father and stbxh. Tell all of his ways, bugger what he wants. Inform hr of his affair their are ramifications legal wise, for him, work and the OW. Be strong for the children, they are #1 now not WH. Exercise, talk to the children, 180 on husband and seek legal advice. one day at a time Buffer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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