FWB only lasted 1 night - Walked away and now he hates me?

[eez.honey]

Please be extremely honest with me. I’m willing to accept all blame on my end. I’m not 100% innocent in this. This is a bit lengthy. 
 

I met this guy at work. We are the same age. This guy and I never really interacted much until 4-5 months down the line of me being employed. We first talked as small chat, then gradually started saying hello. Then it escalated to him teasing me. Teasing me about my race and etc. he went to far one day and called me a man and insulted my food choices. After that I just left him alone.

Coworkers saw us bickering and said we are like an old married couple. After that we didn’t talk much. A new girl got hired. She’s married and has 2 kids. Turns out he’s married and has 2 kids as well. He’s having marriage problems. Well, he found his new target and started talking to her (even though she’s married). According to her they went on dates and they talked. She quit however they stayed in contact apparently. He and I talked again and he kept being rude. I jokingly/not jokingly flicked him off when he rudely teased me.

1-2 months later they decided to move his desk right next to mine. I was not happy. Obviously he and I don’t get along. So as weeks go by, he and I start small talk with others who sit around us. He and I gradually start talking and he starts getting flirty. Other people start telling me that he stares at me a lot and thinks he has a crush on me. Eventually I start falling for it but everyone’s pushing us together and he gets mad. I decided to confront him and hope he didn’t feel uncomfortable. He said he wasn’t. Then he asked for my number. I instead got his social media.

After that we were social media friends. Then at work he started being rude and talking about me to coworkers. I deleted him off my social media. He confronted me, I told him I thought he was talking about me. He said he wasn’t(I know he was). We became friends again and we add each other on social media. Something else happened where he was rude. I took him off social media again. I’m just like screw this. We didn’t talk for a week and then we talked again. he asked for me to do a favor and it was to create art for him. Which takes a lot of work btw. I said sure. I made the art for him where I gave him my number. (He didn’t use my art btw) 

After that I felt uneasy but we still talked as friends I guess. Then he got really flirty and he comes to my desk a lot. Lays his body on my desk and etc. we start bickering/flirting and people just know now. Anyways, we finally got to texting. He says he desires something he can’t have. so we play back and forth. He finally says it’s me. I asked him if he’s looking to hookup. He says he doesn’t know what he’s looking for and doesn’t want a relationship and no expectations.

I told him I understand and I’m similar. That we can be friends and just hangout. We text a few days and he leaves me on read. I got annoyed because what bad texting manners. Whenever I texted him I would tell him when I can’t text because I’m busy or going to bed. I start getting insecure because he asked the married woman easily to hangout and took her on dates. So he finally tells me he’s interested in me and he’s getting a divorce. That if he wasn’t ready he wouldn’t have pursued me. I tell him let’s just remain friends because he’s still getting a divorce. He tells me I’m pretty and I make him frustrated.

He says okay and tells me he wants to talk to me. I decided to tell him I’m a little sexually attracted to him. He was very happy with that. We talk more and  he again leaves me on read after telling me he thinks it’s cute that I get frustrated. So I ask him why he never asks to hangout. He asks me to hang on one night. That same day, 1 hour ahead he cancels and says he’s just not in the mood.

At that point I’m pissed because he’s playing around. I sent him a lengthy text to leave me alone and let’s keep it professional. He didn’t reply. Didn’t even say anything the next day at work. I got so sad. So I confronted him. He says he didn’t get my message because he got a new phone. ( I know he’s lying) I forgave him though. He asks to see me that night. Before the date I told him to meet me.

He says what time. He says okay but he wants to go with me. I’m confused and I asked him if he needs a ride. He says no but he just wants to go with me.At this point I’m throughly confused. I asked if he wants me to ride with him. He says no and he will meet me. I told him to meet me at 7:30. 7:30 hits and he didn’t text me. I thought he ghosted me but he says he was sorry and he had to drop off his kids. He didn’t come until 8pm.  We went to the movies and arcade and bar. He paid for the drinks. 

I paid for the arcade. The movie tickets came and he asked me for $5. I said okays that’s fine. We watched the movie It escalated and we kissed. After the movie he tells me he needs to ride with me. I was like okay that’s fine but in my head I wish he would’ve told me before. We hung out until 5am. I’m driving the whole time. At this point I’m driving him everywhere while he’s high. Next day we meet/same day we meet. We are extremely sexually attracted to each other. I told him let’s meet. He tells me I have to pick him up. (He drives btw) I said sure..I asked him where he lives. He says he doesn’t know his address. I told him to go out his home and look at the number. So I pick him up.

We have sex. He tried to go in raw and I said no. He asked me what I’m looking for. I said idk yet. I’m just filling it out. He asks if I want an open relationship and how I think about multiple sexual partners. I wasn’t thinking and I said idk idc. So after we had sex for the 3rd time (which he reused a condom) he tells me he has to go to his studio.

He tells me his ex wife / kids are there(which he’s going to drive there btw). I wanted to hangout more and eat. I asked to go eat Burger King. I got onion rings for $2 and he didn’t offer to pay btw. We talked and I opened up emotionally- he turned it sexual. He tells me if I want to hangout more then I can drop him off at his ex wife house but he will need a ride home. He eventually stays with me.I talk emotional. He tells me he hopes nothing changes in between us and that we are still friends and he hopes we can hangout more(with and without sex).

We went to work the next day. He texts me but then stops. After the next day, I’m not feeling it. The date sucked tbh. The whole picking him up was unattractive. The way he didn’t practice safe sex. Shows he reckless. So I text him I hope he had a nice time hanging out with me but I didn’t like the multiple sexual partners. It didn’t align with me. I wanted genuine people. 
he replies saying that I don’t get what kind of person he is and he’s genuine. That I assumed that he was using me with the car.

He said it was cold at night so he couldn’t drive his (motorcycle) but he was going to ex wife wife house in a compact car btw. I told him I’m sure he’s genuine but just not with me. That id rather we stop all this and took him off social media again. He says okay and wishes me best of luck.

i tried to be nice after but then I got angry. Sometimes I spoke to him and other times I ignored him. When he looked at me he looked at me with a death stare and like he wanted me dead. Eventually he got a promotion(idk how) and I didn’t congratulate him because I was angry. I got so angry that I eventually went to talk with his brother on social media. I almost hung out with the brother but the brother ghosted me.

he still sometimes comes to my department and he ignores me/ and obviously gives me angry stares. It’s hard for me whenever I see him because I get anxiety and start shaking.

what are everyone’s opinion on us? 

Edited March 21, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beendaredonedat]

My opinion is you should get another job and once you do, don't dooo anyone there.  You fought with him from the beginning so I guess the two of your are attracted to drama and when you shot him down after the car RIDE he gave you what you asked for...   No point trying to be friends with someone you've already crossed a platonic line with and no point being friends with someone you fight with all the time.

[preraph]

Messy.  This isn't the kind of stuff either of you should be doing at work.  Him laying on your desk just makes YOU look bad and gives you a bad reputation.  I just don't know what on earth you want out of him.  He's messy, he's cheating.  He's likely only interested in variety sex.  I mean, there are literally a billion men in the world.  Can't you get interested in one who isn't married or working with you?  Come on!  Have some boundaries and rules about choosing a guy  or you will end up with the bottom of the barrel guys! 

[eez.honey]

7 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said:

My opinion is you should get another job and once you do, don't dooo anyone there.  You fought with him from the beginning so I guess the two of your are attracted to drama and when you shot him down after the car RIDE he gave you what you asked for...   No point trying to be friends with someone you've already crossed a platonic line with and no point being friends with someone you fight with all the time.

He basically was talking to other people at the job as well. Yeah, but I was angry with the fact that I gave him a ride twice. When I told him let’s get a hotel because I was exhausted in driving the first day he told me he couldn’t buy a hotel. Hotels only cost $36 out here in my state. I know he had money.

[eez.honey]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

Messy.  This isn't the kind of stuff either of you should be doing at work.  Him laying on your desk just makes YOU look bad and gives you a bad reputation.  I just don't know what on earth you want out of him.  He's messy, he's cheating.  He's likely only interested in variety sex.  I mean, there are literally a billion men in the world.  Can't you get interested in one who isn't married or working with you?  Come on!  Have some boundaries and rules about choosing a guy  or you will end up with the bottom of the barrel guys! 

Yeah definitely. That’s why I walked away. 
but the fact that he stares at me like he wants me dead is not fun.

He lied saying he was separated and he already filed for divorce. That there were only a few more days. 

[eez.honey]

12 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said:

My opinion is you should get another job and once you do, don't dooo anyone there.  You fought with him from the beginning so I guess the two of your are attracted to drama and when you shot him down after the car RIDE he gave you what you asked for...   No point trying to be friends with someone you've already crossed a platonic line with and no point being friends with someone you fight with all the time.

Oh we are definitely not friends anymore. 
only thing linking us is this job. 
I’m actively applying but the world is on fire right now. 

[eez.honey]

18 minutes ago, preraph said:

Messy.  This isn't the kind of stuff either of you should be doing at work.  Him laying on your desk just makes YOU look bad and gives you a bad reputation.  I just don't know what on earth you want out of him.  He's messy, he's cheating.  He's likely only interested in variety sex.  I mean, there are literally a billion men in the world.  Can't you get interested in one who isn't married or working with you?  Come on!  Have some boundaries and rules about choosing a guy  or you will end up with the bottom of the barrel guys! 

Thanks, I do feel crappy about myself because if this. It’s hard whenever I see him each time as well. 

[preraph]

8 minutes ago, eez.honey said:

Yeah definitely. That’s why I walked away. 
but the fact that he stares at me like he wants me dead is not fun.

He lied saying he was separated and he already filed for divorce. That there were only a few more days. 

You can't control what he does.  All you can do is control what you do.  And your only obligation is to be polite and professional when and if you have to work with him.  Do not let other people see you acting weird about him.  You be the normal sane one and let him stick out like a sort thumb if he wants to act like a butt.  If he should start flirting again at work, ask him to stop.

Edited March 20, 2020 by preraph

[eez.honey]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

You can't control what he does.  All you can do is control what you do.  And your only obligation is to be polite and professional when and if you have to work with him.  Do not let other people see you acting weird about him.  You be the normal sane one and let him stick out like a sort thumb if he wants to act like a butt.  If he should start flirting again at work, ask him to stop.

He works in a different department now and a different building. But sometimes he he comes back to my department. We don’t talk to each other or look at each other. I’m hoping to find a new job soon. But times are hard right now  

Edited March 20, 2020 by eez.honey

[preraph]

He'll soon move on to something else. If he's not even in your building, don't worry about it as much. You're not afraid of him are you?

[eez.honey]

44 minutes ago, preraph said:

He'll soon move on to something else. If he's not even in your building, don't worry about it as much. You're not afraid of him are you

Yes. Anytime he comes to visit I get short of breath and shake/get anxious. Most likely because I feel horrible of what I’ve done. I regret even entertaining this. Yes he will move on to someone else. He already has a rotation and I’m just a number that fell off. He talks to married women and girls that have bfs. I’m a firm believer he just talked to me to get back at me for things I’ve said and done at work. He told me I was beautiful, cute personality and book smart. I fell for cheap/insincere compliments. I regret trying to talk to his brother as well. But I felt angry and wanted to hurt him. Idk why. I just wanted opinions to see if I was a bad person for doing all of this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he has any particularly strong feelings towards you, OP, positive or negative. 

You're seeing him through a filter of heightened anxiety and seeing hate where there very likely is none. He's just your average, sleazy, cheating married man. 

Ignore him and be professional. 

[preraph]

He's probably not thinking about the situation nearly as much as you are. Just because you make some bad decisions doesn't make you a bad person. We learn from our mistakes. Try not to sacrifice your job over this. Just get back to business and try to just ignore the whole situation.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, eez.honey said:

We went to work the next day. He texts me but then stops. After the next day, I’m not feeling it. The date sucked tbh. The whole picking him up was unattractive. The way he didn’t practice safe sex. Shows he reckless. So I text him I hope he had a nice time hanging out with me but I didn’t like the multiple sexual partners. It didn’t align with me. I wanted genuine people. 

You said this to him and now you can't work out why he's mean to you?  If you're going to have to see someone again, you would do well to use tact when ditching them.

[eez.honey]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said this to him and now you can't work out why he's mean to you?  If you're going to have to see someone again, you would do well to use tact when ditching them.

I had no idea that saying that was considered mean. It was the truth though. I didn’t feel he was genuine to me. I felt like he was playing around from the beginning and until now. I ditched him because he was reckless and didn’t care about anything. I wish I could’ve talked it out in person versus texting him all of that. 
Again idk why I was so angry towards him. 
He literally told me in person he refers himself as a dog. 

[eez.honey]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You said this to him and now you can't work out why he's mean to you?  If you're going to have to see someone again, you would do well to use tact when ditching them.

I do feel horrible. It eats me up alive everyday. 
He told me we could’ve avoided all of this if I was honest. I wish I could apologize but I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough damage in this guys life. I just wanted to disappear and not see him. 

[eez.honey]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

He's probably not thinking about the situation nearly as much as you are. Just because you make some bad decisions doesn't make you a bad person. We learn from our mistakes. Try not to sacrifice your job over this. Just get back to business and try to just ignore the whole situation.

I’m trying not to. However my job may be at risk now. I may have put myself in a bad position today because my boss knows. We will see if I’m fired now. 

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, eez.honey said:

He basically was talking to other people at the job as well. Yeah, but I was angry with the fact that I gave him a ride twice. When I told him let’s get a hotel because I was exhausted in driving the first day he told me he couldn’t buy a hotel. Hotels only cost $36 out here in my state. I know he had money.

Did he have cash though? Lol. He is married. The wife would have seen any transaction for a s***ty hole in the wall $36 hotel room at stupid o'clock or him taking money out. It would have raised suspicion and married men cant have that!!! 😕

He leaves you on read because he is home. With his wife and kids. Dude is a creepy, gross married man being a vulture. 

Find a new job and block him. Seriously. 

[eez.honey]

6 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Did he have cash though? Lol. He is married. The wife would have seen any transaction for a s***ty hole in the wall $36 hotel room at stupid o'clock or him taking money out. It would have raised suspicion and married men cant have that!!! 😕

He leaves you on read because he is home. With his wife and kids. Dude is a creepy, gross married man being a vulture. 

Find a new job and block him. Seriously. 

Yeah, I figured he was hiding things. 
however when I picked him up he lived with his dad. He said they were separated but he still goes to their home so he can make “music”. 
 

yeah he did say he couldn’t reply because he was with his kids all weekend and he wants to make sure they have the best time. 

He’s never going to contact me. Lol. I made his life hell. I’m 98% sure he hates me and thinks I’m a b***h lol

[basil67]

1 hour ago, eez.honey said:

I had no idea that saying that was considered mean. 

If someone was that harsh and judgemental when ditching you, would you not be upset?

[eez.honey]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If someone was that harsh and judgemental when ditching you, would you not be upset?

Honestly. No because I would talk it out with them and see why they felt that way in person. He didn’t want to talk in person because he didn’t want anyone to see us.  
It took a lot for me to send that message to him. I actually took my time. This was the first guy I ever walked away from a guy. Usually I wait and sit around until guys dump me or ghost me after sex. So I really didn’t think it would upset him when I was trying to be honest.  
 

I forgot to mention before all this transpired. He told me he would maybe take me out sometime but he didn’t know because I seem crazy and would burn down his house. So I received insults/ half promises but I kept moving forward like an idiot. 

Edited March 21, 2020 by eez.honey

[eez.honey]

Oh yeah, before we even met in person. 

I forgot to mention before all this transpired. He told me he would maybe take me out sometime but he didn’t know because I seem crazy and would burn down his house. So I received insults/ half promises but I kept moving forward like an idiot. 

 

Also when we went to the movies, he stole candy and water. I think he had financial problems but didn’t want to admit it because he felt embarrassed. 

[basil67]

Then I guess we have a classic case of why the adage of ‘do unto others.....” is not necessarily the best thing to do.  Mostly because we don’t all want the same things.    Thing is, most dumpers really don’t want to indulge in a post-mortem of the relationship with the dumpee.  So while you would want to discuss the reasons, it wouldn’t necessarily be well received on the other end.  

Also, if a guy told you that you seem crazy and would burn down his house, it’s all the more reason to give a tactful response when dumping him.  You really don’t want to risk enraging a guy who says such things.   There is a very good reason why “it’s not you, it’s me” exists as a breakup line.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, eez.honey said:

He’s never going to contact me. Lol. I made his life hell. I’m 98% sure he hates me and thinks I’m a b***h lol

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I am quite sure you have nowhere near that much importance and power in his life. He might be upset that playtime is over with you, but honestly? He's fine, and he'll continue to be fine. He'll just move on to the next person, and continue to lie to his wife. 

You are giving this much more thought than he is, I promise you that. I am not sure if it's your subconscious attempt to assign more significance to this affair but I can nearly guarantee you that he doesn't view this with the same intensity of emotion that you do. The lens with which you're viewing him now is now is an extension of that, and it's likely magnifying any perceived slights and convincing you that he hates you when I don't think he cares enough to muster up that sort of hate. 

I think you feel bad  and angry at yourself for falling for his lies, and for allowing yourself get involved with him at all. You say he is reckless for not using a condom, for example. But Eez, that makes you equally reckless if you consented to that. You can't really throw stones at him without taking some accountability for your own choices; I suspect that is where a lot of your anger is coming from. you know you could and should have done better for yourself. He is a complete tool, I agree, and all around a bottom-feeder type of man. You are well rid of him. But, this would be a good time to reflect on why you went along with it, and where your own boundaries are. 

[stillafool]

This guy has done nothing but show complete disrespect for you.  You have every right to say mean things to him after the hateful stuff he's said and done to you.  I doubt very much he's even thinking about you to the point of hating you.  Don't give him eye contact unless you have something to say that relates to work.  Just don't look at him and you won't see what you think you are seeing which is hate in his eyes.  I hope this teaches you to  raise your standards and not fall for men who treat you like you are worthless.