FWB only lasted 1 night - Walked away and now he hates me?

[eez.honey]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't mean to sound unkind, but I am quite sure you have nowhere near that much importance and power in his life. He might be upset that playtime is over with you, but honestly? He's fine, and he'll continue to be fine. He'll just move on to the next person, and continue to lie to his wife. 

You are giving this much more thought than he is, I promise you that. I am not sure if it's your subconscious attempt to assign more significance to this affair but I can nearly guarantee you that he doesn't view this with the same intensity of emotion that you do. The lens with which you're viewing him now is now is an extension of that, and it's likely magnifying any perceived slights and convincing you that he hates you when I don't think he cares enough to muster up that sort of hate. 

I think you feel bad  and angry at yourself for falling for his lies, and for allowing yourself get involved with him at all. You say he is reckless for not using a condom, for example. But Eez, that makes you equally reckless if you consented to that. You can't really throw stones at him without taking some accountability for your own choices; I suspect that is where a lot of your anger is coming from. you know you could and should have done better for yourself. He is a complete tool, I agree, and all around a bottom-feeder type of man. You are well rid of him. But, this would be a good time to reflect on why you went along with it, and where your own boundaries are. 

You’re right. I’m extremely angry at myself. 
He tried to not use a condom but I refused him each time. I was smart for that part at least. 
the back and forth/ mind games he played.. I wasn’t. Sucky thing is that people praise him at work and think he’s the best thing / perfect person who fights for his kids. His wife got up and left with the kids one day. I should’ve known then. That’s when he was sharing he’s going through a divorce and was filing paperwork on a work computer. 
 

I remember when we were kind to each other and before the flirting. I’d ask him questions like how old are your babies? he would reply rudely saying: “ 3-5 , You already asked me that and I told you before.” In such a rude and nasty manner. I NEVER asked about his children before. But I ignored it and kept being nice because I figured it was a bad day. Whenever someone else asked him a question, he was nice to them. You’re right. He’s more angry that his little “toy” which is me left. Other girls run after him and shower him in gifts. 

[preraph]

7 hours ago, eez.honey said:

I’m trying not to. However my job may be at risk now. I may have put myself in a bad position today because my boss knows. We will see if I’m fired now. 

Wouldn't you be able to ask the boss if he tries to fire you why he would fire you the single girl raather than the married player? Or that matter you could lie and say you never slept with him but that he put a lot of pressure on you and was laying on your desk and ruining your reputation at work. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, eez.honey said:

I remember when we were kind to each other and before the flirting. I’d ask him questions like how old are your babies? he would reply rudely saying: “ 3-5 , You already asked me that and I told you before.” In such a rude and nasty manner. I NEVER asked about his children before. But I ignored it and kept being nice because I figured it was a bad day. Whenever someone else asked him a question, he was nice to them. You’re right. He’s more angry that his little “toy” which is me left. Other girls run after him and shower him in gifts. 

I'm sorry to say this but you are as bad as the others who are after him.  You let him talk to you anyway he wants to and still hangs around him and gives him sex.  All of you need to realize he doesn't care about any of you.

Edited March 21, 2020 by stillafool

[preraph]

That guy is a total loser. Stealing candy in a movie. I agree you should be looking for another job, but I wouldn't quit unless you found another job or got fired. Hopefully this will stop you from getting involved with anyone at work again. 

[eez.honey]

21 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This guy has done nothing but show complete disrespect for you.  You have every right to say mean things to him after the hateful stuff he's said and done to you.  I doubt very much he's even thinking about you to the point of hating you.  Don't give him eye contact unless you have something to say that relates to work.  Just don't look at him and you won't see what you think you are seeing which is hate in his eyes.  I hope this teaches you to  raise your standards and not fall for men who treat you like you are worthless.

Thanks Stilla. I need to reflect why I wanted attention from someone who was so disrespectful to me. Yes, I do not look at him whatsoever. Whenever he comes around either I do my work or I quietly take a break and leave until he’s gone. 

One time we crossed ways and he abruptly turned around and stomped away like a child. Then he turned around and gave me a dirty look while walking away. I can’t wait to find a new job and to just get rid of his energy in whole. 
 

I get that he’s angry about his divorce and life situation but don’t take it out on me.

[eez.honey]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

Wouldn't you be able to ask the boss if he tries to fire you why he would fire you the single girl raather than the married player? Or that matter you could lie and say you never slept with him but that he put a lot of pressure on you and was laying on your desk and ruining your reputation at work. 

I’m not sure. We are so understaffed and my boss knows but I don’t think she cares as much. She just gave me advice on love and says to stay strong and move on. Never get involved with coworkers and dont let it affect me and etc. After that we just went back to work. 
 

At my job people are married to each other or they date each other so hopefully it’s not that bad. I’ve heard stories of other affairs and others wives come to the job. So I’m hoping mine is so small that it won’t be bad. 

[eez.honey]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry to say this but you are as bad as the others who are after him.  You let him talk to you anyway he wants to and still hangs around him and gives him sex.  All of you need to realize he doesn't care about any of you.

That’s why I said mean things to him/ ignored because he would be rude like that. The guy was legit bipolar and wishy washy yet kind to me when he wanted my attention. 

[preraph]

46 minutes ago, eez.honey said:

I’m not sure. We are so understaffed and my boss knows but I don’t think she cares as much. She just gave me advice on love and says to stay strong and move on. Never get involved with coworkers and dont let it affect me and etc. After that we just went back to work. 
 

At my job people are married to each other or they date each other so hopefully it’s not that bad. I’ve heard stories of other affairs and others wives come to the job. So I’m hoping mine is so small that it won’t be bad. 

So it doesn't sound like your boss is going to fire you. You need to just ignore that guy and get over it yourself. He was no prize. Be glad you're rid of him. It sounds like she probably knows what he's like so I don't think she'll blame you as long as you don't continue to act out or acting weird. just do your job and don't talk to people about what happened and keep your head down and ignore him and just be polite and professional if anyone else is around when he is.

Edited March 21, 2020 by preraph

[ExpatInItaly]

Continue to ignore him. He's a loser, in just about every sense of the word. Don't let his opinion of you get to you. Because really? Look who it's coming from. 

The issue you should focus on now is improving and strengthening your own boundaries so you are better at weeding out the bad seeds. Ask yourself (genuinely) why you wanted attention from him. Are you lonely? What's your recent dating history like?

 

[eez.honey]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Continue to ignore him. He's a loser, in just about every sense of the word. Don't let his opinion of you get to you. Because really? Look who it's coming from. 

The issue you should focus on now is improving and strengthening your own boundaries so you are better at weeding out the bad seeds. Ask yourself (genuinely) why you wanted attention from him. Are you lonely? What's your recent dating history like?

 

I would say it was a combination of both. 
I was lonely and he was giving me a little attention. Not good attention because I was more stressed trying to understand him versus just getting to know him. He often smelled of weed and I believe he may do harder drugs but I won’t assume. He lived with his dad (despite being with his “wife” / getting a divorce). I’m pretty positive he wasn’t financially stable due to his children. 
 

Whenever I get in low points of my life I seem to meet my romantic interests. They aren’t always the best for me because they have a problem in alcoholism, the law, (now married). I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone when I’m doing really well/ having stability. I may be that empath that tries to “fix” people. I have bright and bubbly interest. I attract men that need fixing or are depressed 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

The way he didn’t practice safe sex. Shows he reckless.

This just as easily applies to you. You had sex with a man re-using a condom! Doesn't say much about your safe sex practices or decision making.

[eez.honey]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

This just as easily applies to you. You had sex with a man re-using a condom! Doesn't say much about your safe sex practices or decision making.

I meant to say I refused him each time. He tried to reuse and go in raw and I said no. 
 

Any other opinions?

[stillafool]

On 3/21/2020 at 4:45 PM, eez.honey said:

I attract men that need fixing or are depressed 

I would say you are attracted to men that need fixing and are depressed.  Most women attract these guys too, but know how to steer past them.

[Miss Clavel]

i think that unless i'm crazy, they are talking about the two of you at work. at your j.o.b. there is a story going around about the affair. hookup. ons.

change the story. find a way to get a story out at work that is more favorable to you.

...."i didn't know he was married"...comes to mind.

just drop this line in a causal convo with the office know it all, gossip.

...''i acted like a fool, i'll never fall for that line again".

...'i'm going to take a break from "dating" and work on myself for a while..."

see where this is going. change the "story".

then, change yourself.

you are worth more than this. when he asked you if you would consider multiple partners, didn't you understand that he had no interest in keeping you to himself, alone? he wants to dick around and get everything he thinks he missed out on being married.

i'm sure if he asked his "wife' to screw other men in front of him she woulda shut that s*** down.

he can't be bothered with you. he's a dick. he's looking for a cheap place to stick it. i know this because he wouldn't even pay for privacy at a motel.

when a man is mean to you, from the beginning and worse, cheap, why do you bother?

that's the important question in this, why are you willing to accept less?

frankly, as my mother used to say, "i'd rather eat grass and drink from a mud puddle"

people are not going to think you are worth more if you don't think so.

good luck

 

[eez.honey]

On 4/1/2020 at 2:26 AM, Miss Clavel said:

i think that unless i'm crazy, they are talking about the two of you at work. at your j.o.b. there is a story going around about the affair. hookup. ons.

change the story. find a way to get a story out at work that is more favorable to you.

...."i didn't know he was married"...comes to mind.

just drop this line in a causal convo with the office know it all, gossip.

...''i acted like a fool, i'll never fall for that line again".

...'i'm going to take a break from "dating" and work on myself for a while..."

see where this is going. change the "story".

then, change yourself.

you are worth more than this. when he asked you if you would consider multiple partners, didn't you understand that he had no interest in keeping you to himself, alone? he wants to dick around and get everything he thinks he missed out on being married.

i'm sure if he asked his "wife' to screw other men in front of him she woulda shut that s*** down.

he can't be bothered with you. he's a dick. he's looking for a cheap place to stick it. i know this because he wouldn't even pay for privacy at a motel.

when a man is mean to you, from the beginning and worse, cheap, why do you bother?

that's the important question in this, why are you willing to accept less?

frankly, as my mother used to say, "i'd rather eat grass and drink from a mud puddle"

people are not going to think you are worth more if you don't think so.

good luck

 

Thank you for the response. I’m late in responding. I know he was going through a divorce because he made it public at work and was filing paperwork during work hours. He would be nice and then rude to me. 

In return I wasn’t nice back to him sometimes. He would tease me but I would get defensive. 

When we were trying to get a hotel , everything was booked. I guess the universe was working in my favor saying don’t do it. Plus during our date he wasn’t courteous and I paid for most of the stuff. Plus driving him around all over town. 
 

Yeah. I figured he thought of me as trash. He even insulted me sometimes saying I was insecure and that I’m socially awkward. I shouldn’t have let him talk to me that way. It’s crazy because he’s not my type and I wasn’t attracted to him the first time. Then I got lonely and got sucked in. To this day I found him lurking on my social media one day. Idk why he hates me so much or even has the time to look at my stuff. I’m trying to move on but he’s everywhere at work so I can’t escape him. It sucks. However I think this is my karma. I have to lie in my bed for a while and be punished. That’s what I feel. 

[eez.honey]

On 4/1/2020 at 2:26 AM, Miss Clavel said:

i think that unless i'm crazy, they are talking about the two of you at work. at your j.o.b. there is a story going around about the affair. hookup. ons.

change the story. find a way to get a story out at work that is more favorable to you.

...."i didn't know he was married"...comes to mind.

just drop this line in a causal convo with the office know it all, gossip.

...''i acted like a fool, i'll never fall for that line again".

...'i'm going to take a break from "dating" and work on myself for a while..."

see where this is going. change the "story".

then, change yourself.

you are worth more than this. when he asked you if you would consider multiple partners, didn't you understand that he had no interest in keeping you to himself, alone? he wants to dick around and get everything he thinks he missed out on being married.

i'm sure if he asked his "wife' to screw other men in front of him she woulda shut that s*** down.

he can't be bothered with you. he's a dick. he's looking for a cheap place to stick it. i know this because he wouldn't even pay for privacy at a motel.

when a man is mean to you, from the beginning and worse, cheap, why do you bother?

that's the important question in this, why are you willing to accept less?

frankly, as my mother used to say, "i'd rather eat grass and drink from a mud puddle"

people are not going to think you are worth more if you don't think so.

good luck

 

I guess I just want an apology lol.

However I know I will never get it. 
He’s not sorry. Sorry for what? He told me exactly who he was and what he will do. 
I just foolishly walked into it

[Cookiesandough]

On 3/21/2020 at 9:58 AM, eez.honey said:

 

I remember when we were kind to each other and before the flirting. I’d ask him questions like how old are your babies? he would reply rudely saying: “ 3-5 , You already asked me that and I told you before.” In such a rude and nasty manner. I NEVER asked about his children before. But I ignored it and kept being nice because I figured it was a bad day. Whenever someone else asked him a question, he was nice to them. You’re right. He’s more angry that his little “toy” which is me left. Other girls run after him and shower him in gifts. 

He  was probably  compartmentalizing to not feel guilty or keep emotional stuff out of it  and you were ruining it by bringing up his kids and emotional shiz etc. 

 

He will absolutely see multiples and he doesn’t sound like respects you at all. No ‘friend’ about this 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[eez.honey]

10 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

He  was probably  compartmentalizing to not feel guilty or keep emotional stuff out of it  and you were ruining it by bringing up his kids and emotional shiz etc. 

 

He will absolutely see multiples and he doesn’t sound like respects you at all. No ‘friend’ about this 

I just really don’t get why specifically he was rude to me. Like he was just genuinely rude to me but pretended to like me during other times. 
I literally confronted him and asked him multiple times on why he hates me and is mean to me. He says he doesn’t hate me.. far from that. Or he would say he’s returning what I give to him. He was just too much. I regret everything and he still haunts me

[ExpatInItaly]

Sometimes we have to make peace with the fact that we might never understand why some people behave the way they do, OP. 

Why he's doing it doesn't matter much, at the end of the day. What matters is that you recognize poor behaviour in a man next time and walk away at the first sign of trouble, and don't bother with men who are married/recently separated at all. 

[Miss Clavel]

On 4/12/2020 at 4:21 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Sometimes we have to make peace with the fact that we might never understand why some people behave the way they do, OP. 

Why he's doing it doesn't matter much, at the end of the day. What matters is that you recognize poor behavior in a man next time and walk away at the first sign of trouble, and don't bother with men who are married/recently separated at all. 

amen. when i think of all time i wasted trying to figure out other people esp. men. omg.

when i finally stopped trying to figure out why a man does and says things to me that are rude or mean or outright lies, i simply say to them,

"i don't want to know you"

if they press me for a reason i keep repeating, i don't want to know.

if they keep on i just lie and say, no hard feelings, i don't want to know you

 a person that tries to keep on even after you say you do not want to know anymore is borderline abusive. imo

 

 

[MilaVaneela]

On 3/20/2020 at 6:56 PM, eez.honey said:

I got so angry that I eventually went to talk with his brother on social media. I almost hung out with the brother but the brother ghosted me

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet at all. 
 

Now, I say this as kindly and sensitively as possible, but: girl. Honey. Calm down. This on top of the whole thing with the other brother makes you look messy and desperate- which I don’t feel that you in actuality are, but people surely could perceive it that way. Not a good look to appear to be chasing the brother because the first one apparently blanked you. 
 

You seem by your writing to be very young. If I may offer a piece of advice: if a guy acts like a d*ck to you and claims it’s because he “likes” you... don’t engage. At all. There is no treasure at the bottom of that burning dumpster. I’m sorry things went the way they did, your coworker seems very immature and selfish and is exactly the type of man who would play up the drama because he thinks it’s fun. Not only that, side eye HARD any guy who claims that he’s “almost divorced”. You’d be better to try to buy some beachfront property in Nebraska than mess around with one of those guys. 
 

As for his work behavior, can you talk to HR and explain his behavior? (Not sure if this is a viable option or if he will retaliate but it may be worth a shot) 

Edited April 13, 2020 by MilaVaneela
Spelling

[Miss Clavel]

On 4/9/2020 at 7:20 PM, eez.honey said:

Thank you for the response. I’m late in responding. I know he was going through a divorce because he made it public at work and was filing paperwork during work hours. He would be nice and then rude to me. 

In return I wasn’t nice back to him sometimes. He would tease me but I would get defensive. 

When we were trying to get a hotel , everything was booked. I guess the universe was working in my favor saying don’t do it. Plus during our date he wasn’t courteous and I paid for most of the stuff. Plus driving him around all over town. 
 

Yeah. I figured he thought of me as trash. He even insulted me sometimes saying I was insecure and that I’m socially awkward. I shouldn’t have let him talk to me that way. It’s crazy because he’s not my type and I wasn’t attracted to him the first time. Then I got lonely and got sucked in. To this day I found him lurking on my social media one day. Idk why he hates me so much or even has the time to look at my stuff. I’m trying to move on but he’s everywhere at work so I can’t escape him. It sucks. However I think this is my karma. I have to lie in my bed for a while and be punished. That’s what I feel. 

i'm still working with mine. it's been ten years.

i'm glad you stuck to your guns about the protection and i' m positive the reason the motels were booked was the universe trying to prevent you from your goal.

you can do better. and you will.

i used a mantra and i recommend these in almost any situation.

try repeating a phrase like, "i'm worth more'' 100 times a day.

bonus points when you start saying this to your reflection.

another one i used was, "it's over, thee end".

he's a cheap weed smoking liar that asked for three way sex.

ding ding ding

that's the sound. listen for that sound and extricate yourself as fast as you can.

[eez.honey]

On 4/13/2020 at 7:27 AM, MilaVaneela said:

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet at all. 
 

Now, I say this as kindly and sensitively as possible, but: girl. Honey. Calm down. This on top of the whole thing with the other brother makes you look messy and desperate- which I don’t feel that you in actuality are, but people surely could perceive it that way. Not a good look to appear to be chasing the brother because the first one apparently blanked you. 
 

You seem by your writing to be very young. If I may offer a piece of advice: if a guy acts like a d*ck to you and claims it’s because he “likes” you... don’t engage. At all. There is no treasure at the bottom of that burning dumpster. I’m sorry things went the way they did, your coworker seems very immature and selfish and is exactly the type of man who would play up the drama because he thinks it’s fun. Not only that, side eye HARD any guy who claims that he’s “almost divorced”. You’d be better to try to buy some beachfront property in Nebraska than mess around with one of those guys. 
 

As for his work behavior, can you talk to HR and explain his behavior? (Not sure if this is a viable option or if he will retaliate but it may be worth a shot) 

Hello thank you for your response. Yes, with the brother I was wrong for that. I should have never entertained it. 
 

I’m a bit concerned though. It’s been a month and him/ the brother are still bothering me. Initially the brother and I followed each other on social media. We never talk.. we just look at each others social media. We both unfollowed each other recently and I was ready to release everything and be done with him and the drama. I noticed after I unfollowed the brother..... the work guy(fwb) started stalking my social media. I can tell because it shows when he visits my account. I ignored it didn’t engage with him. A week later his brother follows me back on social media. Idk if they’re stalking me to make fun of me. But it’s taking a toll on my mental health. Idk if he feels bad.... idk if he wants to keep tabs on me. I don’t bother them. Idk why they care to keep doing it to me. It’s over.

[eez.honey]

On 4/14/2020 at 11:00 PM, Miss Clavel said:

i'm still working with mine. it's been ten years.

i'm glad you stuck to your guns about the protection and i' m positive the reason the motels were booked was the universe trying to prevent you from your goal.

you can do better. and you will.

i used a mantra and i recommend these in almost any situation.

try repeating a phrase like, "i'm worth more'' 100 times a day.

bonus points when you start saying this to your reflection.

another one i used was, "it's over, thee end".

he's a cheap weed smoking liar that asked for three way sex.

ding ding ding

that's the sound. listen for that sound and extricate yourself as fast as you can.

I believe in that too. The universe was trying to block me yet I still kept going through with it. 
 

The brother and him are stalking me on social media recently. Idk why. It makes me think does he really hate me that much? Am I relevant that he and the brother has to keep checking up on me? It’s weird. I feel creeped out and anxious as well. 
 

I don’t get much attention from males. I’ve never been in a relationship. I feel like guys have sex with girls and never talk to them againnif they truly don’t care. However. he just won’t leave me alone... or the brother. Idek why they care? 
 

Yes, thank you. I will never be involved with a “divorced” man ever again. I still feel like crap everyday about the situation. Must be my karma. 

[preraph]

Stalkers are sick in the head.  I had a couple of brothers stalking me and this other woman for years.  Hope it's not the same jerks.  They lived in California.  Block them every possible way, both of them, and anyone else you know that they know because they will use others to do it for them, and tell family to block them and not ever give out any info to them, too.