He comes, he fades .

[GeeWiz]

OK so …. I was married for 13 years up until around 4 years ago.  This was a very painful time for me, as it is for everyone, so I was in a vulnerable place.  I met this guy about 6 months after the separation when I thought I was managing things really well but looking back, I wasn't really managing at all.  Anyway, we hit it off and started dating for a few months.  The sex was great and we had a lot in common.  However, it became apparent over time that he was 'dating' others and yes, he did tell me he 'didn't want a relationship'. 

As with some other women, I didn't want to be someone's FWB, it made me feel used and I was beginning to have feelings for him.  Over the past three or four years we have bumped into each other every six months or so, we live near each other.  When this happens he usually messages me and things start up again with the same story, he likes being single. It goes on for a few weeks and then he fades.   So the last time this happened was a couple of months ago.  Our paths crossed, we caught up, same story he likes being single.  Anyway, I told him I didn't want to be involved with him in any way and only wanted to be friends. 

He accepted that but kept sexting, flirting, sending messages etc.  One night he was flirting etc via text so I asked him to come over.  No response whatsoever, just silence.  The next night I was out with friends and our paths crossed again, but he was with another woman.  He even had the audacity to say hello and kiss me on the cheek.  Since then, no texts or contact at all so about three weeks of no contact.  He could have apologised maybe or at least said sorry that was awkward. 

Anyhoo, I blocked him but before I did I sent him a really rude text which I now regret.  So why am I writing this?  It helps to put things on paper, I am normally a reasonably intelligent person but I have no idea why I have allowed myself to continually be used by this person.  I have to get over him.  I guess in a way I didn't really want to block him because that really is the end.  If you've been here, please share your thoughts.  Why have I done this to myself?

Edited May 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ellener]

On 3/20/2020 at 8:50 PM, GeeWiz said:

Why have I done this to myself?

Same reason people get into and stay in any unhealthy situations- hope, fear, longing, boredom and loneliness.

And reward- you have been getting just enough out of the situation to keep you involved. Now the pain exceeds any pleasure from it.

Meet as many of your own needs as you can for now, as you say you are tired of being used and he's perfectly happy with the situation of having multiple women apparently wanting him...

When I was first single I met a man like this, finally his very nice WIFE! called and we had an enlightening conversation, fortunately we had not gone very far with the relationship. I met him recently at a party and oh boy did I dodge a bullet there!!!

Be well.

 

[SweetCharity]

Don't be so hard on yourself. This happens to all of us. Good for you for blocking him. Just hold tight. 

[simpycurious]

5 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

Don't be so hard on yourself. This happens to all of us. Good for you for blocking him. Just hold tight. 

Agreed.  He is "playing the field" not interested in a committed relationship and the situation makes you feel AWKWARD/weird.  So, just put it behind you and move on. I know lots of guys just like him.  They just are not into or ready to date or be with one woman.  

[stillafool]

It would help to believe the men who say they don't want a relationship and like being single.  Then you will know to not get involved with them as they rarely change their mind.  Also don't ever try to be friends with a man you have a romantic interest in if it's not mutual.  It will just cause you enormous pain.  It is best to just move on.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You must still be in a lot of pain from your divorce if you feel bad about telling this guy to beat it. Truthfully, this is how most men are these days and there is nothing wrong with it, its up to you to communicate your feelings, we dont read minds, nor do we need to, we have our own interests at heart and that is fine.

If interests dont align, just move on.

[JTSW]

He hasn't used you if he was honest with you from the beginning about not wanting a relationship.

That was where you should've walked away if you didnt want to be a fwb.

But you didn't. You continued to engage in it with him making a assume you were ok with it.

[Lover29]

Men enjoy boosting their ego this way, when there's a guy he pushes her back and gives her strange relationship to take pleasure from her being constantly confused, that's a common case.

Change your trajectory.

Also, after I had dated rejects, like you, I gave up on the dating world. Therefore, I concentrated on myself. I ascended in my career like a charging train full speed ahead. There was no turning back. I focused on my health and fitness. I was very busy with my own life. Then something happened. I began garnering attention from men who were also on the fast track. This time, I could afford to become very picky and choosy and the type of men I attracted were also successful. My friendships expanded exponentially. I was checking their loyalty as an inborn capability at worldofforecasts.com and  above it I had the time of my life. There were a lot of prosperous, very eligible bachelors. I had arrived. Socializing was a blast. What I'm trying to tell you is that you make yourself automatically and extremely attractive when you are your own success story. You will ooze security, high self esteem and self confidence which draws men to you like a magnet. The beauty is that you don't even have to try just as I had never tried. Attraction to you magically occurs without any effort on your part. I had never been to a singles bar in my life. I didn't have to. (I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, etc. and neither do the men who were drawn to me.)

Concentrate on bettering your life and then men will be drawn to you like bees to honey. At that time, you can be very selective.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Lover29

[miranda561]

On 3/21/2020 at 1:50 AM, GeeWiz said:

OK so …. I was married for 13 years up until around 4 years ago.  This was a very painful time for me, as it is for everyone, so I was in a vulnerable place.  I met this guy about 6 months after the separation when I thought I was managing things really well but looking back, I wasn't really managing at all.  Anyway, we hit it off and started dating for a few months.  The sex was great and we had a lot in common.  However, it became apparent over time that he was 'dating' others and yes, he did tell me he 'didn't want a relationship'.  As with some other women, I didn't want to be someone's FWB, it made me feel used and I was beginning to have feelings for him.  Over the past three or four years we have bumped into each other every six months or so, we live near each other.  When this happens he usually messages me and things start up again with the same story, he likes being single. It goes on for a few weeks and then he fades.   So the last time this happened was a couple of months ago.  Our paths crossed, we caught up, same story he likes being single.  Anyway, I told him I didn't want to be involved with him in any way and only wanted to be friends.  He accepted that but kept sexting, flirting, sending messages etc.  One night he was flirting etc via text so I asked him to come over.  No response whatsoever, just silence.  The next night I was out with friends and our paths crossed again, but he was with another woman.  He even had the audacity to say hello and kiss me on the cheek.  Since then, no texts or contact at all so about three weeks of no contact.  He could have apologised maybe or at least said sorry that was awkward.  Anyhoo, I blocked him but before I did I sent him a really rude text which I now regret.  So why am I writing this?  It helps to put things on paper, I am normally a reasonably intelligent person but I have no idea why I have allowed myself to continually be used by this person.  I have to get over him.  I guess in a way I didn't really want to block him because that really is the end.  If you've been here, please share your thoughts.  Why have I done this to myself?

He doesn't exactly sound like a stand up guy. So for him to message you anything of an apology for the awkward moment is unlikely.

As for why have you done this to yourself, dont worry, a lot of women get caught up in these types of unfavourable situations. You certainly are not the first or the last. Just take it as a learning experience. But don't let him reel you in again, keep him blocked and move on with your life. Also if you ever see him out, completely ignore him 😁. As if he doesn't exist. That will bruise his ego.