Why would he question my love for him?

[Uptown182]

So just some back story, my bf of about 6 months owns his own business, which does extremely well he also has lots of expenses given that he’s divorced.  He basically supports his ex wife and their two small kids.  Given everything going on right now he’s had to shut down his business due to the Covid-19 outbreak, so I get he’s under a lot of stress, but in all fairness so is everyone else.  

The other night I was over his place, we were laying in bed and he asked me if I’d still love him if he was broke or not as well off.  Now let me just say, I can care less about his money, never once led him to believe I was with him for money or anything of that sort.  Truth is, if I was with him for his money I would’ve left him a while ago, because as I’ve discovered dating a divorced man with kids isn’t exactly smooth sailing.  So of course this threw me and I asked him if he was serious, he said yes and that sometimes he thinks lm with him because he’s dependable and financially secure. Let me just say, he’s not that dependable, our plans get canceled a lot due to his kids, which is totally understandable but because of this, dependable he is not.  I was actually pretty stunned and hurt by his statement and asked him why he would think that, he said it’s because I never tell him I love him first.  I said maybe I don’t but I always say it back when he says it, he said that’s not the same.  I told him I show him I love him through my actions, and he agreed but said sometimes he needs to hear it too.  I explained to him I’m not the type to say I love you a lot (it’s just not how I grew up) but I’d try say it more.  

 

What I don’t get is, would a man really think a woman was with him for his money because she doesn’t tell him she loves him all the time?  I can’t help but think maybe this is just an insecurity of his??? 

[FMW]

He's probably just feeling stressed out and generally insecure about his life right now.  He showed his vulnerability, so unless he continues in the same way, cut him a little slack.  Pointing to you not saying I love you first is maybe the only thing he could really think of to put into words, not really the basis of his insecurity right now.  Just try to say it first sometimes to show him you're listening to him.  

[Uptown182]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

He's probably just feeling stressed out and generally insecure about his life right now.  He showed his vulnerability, so unless he continues in the same way, cut him a little slack.  Pointing to you not saying I love you first is maybe the only thing he could really think of to put into words, not really the basis of his insecurity right now.  Just try to say it first sometimes to show him you're listening to him.  

Yes, I have initiated saying I love you a few times since then and am trying to be a bit more attentive to him.

[Ruby Slippers]

People are feeling sensitive right now. 

For many men with good financial stability, I think a top concern is a woman wanting him primarily for his money. My recent ex-bf does very well and I got the impression this was one of his biggest worries regarding romance. 

He has a point if you never say I love you first. Imagine how you'd feel if he never said it first. Saying it without prompting suggests you really feel it. So if you love him, start saying it anytime you feel it. 

[Mystery4u]

Yes, we men like to hear it as well. Really you should be saying it to him every day at least once! I know when I'm in love I say it to my girlfriend every day, in addition to showing her through actions.

[balletomane]

I think he's feeling insecure at the moment, which is understandable, because there is a lot of anxiety about at the moment that causes us to question even the most solid and dependable things we have in our lives. If he wasn't earning well, his anxiety would have shown itself in some other way. He's told you how to help him feel more secure, so it sounds as if you two are able to be open and trusting, which is the important thing.

Edited March 22, 2020 by balletomane

[smackie9]

Guys are stupid when they try to express themselves. What he really meant was "Times are going to be really tough for me, and I hope this won't be a burden for you...will we be ok?" He's under a lot of stress, and ya what's been happening might be life changing. Let it slide.

[preraph]

Look, when men become unemployed or something like this happens, it really knocks the slats out from under them and they begin questioning their own manhood and worth.  Not saying women aren't also affected, but men are kind of traditionally required to be able to provide.  So don't get all hurt about this.  Just reassure him!  That's all he wants.  Sit him down and tell him you were thrown by the question but now you've had a chance to think about it more from his perspective, you understand he's feeling uncertain about things and let him know you love him and he's your partner and you'll stick by him.  (Later when things are going well, you can mention that he's actually NOT that dependable -- ha) He needs to know you're in his corner right now.  

[chillii]

Well so what if it is an insecurity of his , we all have our sore spots , no ones perfect and l bet your a long long way from it too with plenty of your own.

His been through divorce , has the worry of trying to be the best dad he can and cope with all that , which is not easy let me tell ya, and now his business has to shut down and who knows what the future holds , yeah , don't think l'd mind hearing she loves me and she's in it no matter what at a time like that either. l can well see why his asking , with you even needing to wonder about all this and not understanding it.

Edited March 23, 2020 by chillii

[kendahke]

On 3/21/2020 at 9:57 PM, Uptown182 said:

 I told him I show him I love him through my actions, and he agreed but said sometimes he needs to hear it too.  I explained to him I’m not the type to say I love you a lot

 It's time for you to get over that if you want to be with him. I don't think it's insecurity in the way you think it is at all.

The rug's been pulled out from under a whole lot of people who a month ago, thought their little lives were secure and on a positive trajectory. He needs to know that come what may, you're down for standing in the gap with him/for him when need be. Are you saying you aren't that one? Better tell him now that you aren't.

Since he's got two kids, he may become a little more undependable but it's not because he doesn't have a high opinion/consideration for you--it's because he's responsible for those little lives. Yes, unfortunately, his ex isn't independent enough for him to not have to deal with her, but you knew he had an ex wife like this and kids when you first got with him.

Quote

What I don’t get is, would a man really think a woman was with him for his money because she doesn’t tell him she loves him all the time?  

Turn this around: would a woman really think a man was with her just for convenient sex because he doesn't tell her he loves her but helps himself to her sexual largess?  

Edited March 23, 2020 by kendahke

[preraph]

I do get that saying I love you can be awkward for a lot of people and I also agree that actions speak louder than words, but in this circumstance he needs reassurance and apparently that's what he wants to hear. I wouldn't just start telling him I love you. I would make it a more extended conversation where you build him up and show you have faith in him and remind him of his good qualities and why he will succeed.

[mortensorchid]

Do you think maybe he's getting the 6-9 month marker of cold feet?  It's then that infatuation wears off, and when it does, you better like that person.  Not love, just like them.  And if you don't you're in trouble.  Because then you are in the meat of the relationship and a lot of guys don't want a relationship, they want things to be hot and passionate at all times.  Although I'm sure that he's divorced with 2 little kids he's been through the ringer.

I realize now with a lot of the relationships I have had as an adult that was the problem why it ended : they either just wanted a hookup, didn't want to commit, or wanted a b**** who will keep things as horrible and dramatic as possible to keep the fire going.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you got lost and off track in paying literal attention to the question. What would have been more helpful for you--and more revealing--would have been for you to turn to him and gently say, "What's going on?" You needed to find out what he was feeling.

I agree that men can be terrible at expressing feelings. I imagine he was feeling something along the lines of I'm scared. I'm afraid of losing my business and  my income. God, I might need to declare bankruptcy if this home sheltering continues. I'm afraid that going through an economic hard time might plunge me off the edge. Can you still respect me if I'm totally broke and have to start all over?

The important cue here (or clue) was that he asked you this as you guys were lying in bed. When lying in bed, people often get vulnerable and open. He didn't yell out this question. He didn't speak (I sense) in an accusatory tone. Communication is hard because we have to pay as much attention--more lots of the time--to the context and the person's body language and energy, as we pay attention to the specific words. 

He might have simply needed a reassuring hug. 

Now, I'm not saying your feelings were wrong. I'm simply saying, don't pay attention to people's words all the time. I dated a woman who have told me I was the best man they ever met, which sounded great ... But more important, she was half available and I was always working hard to connect with her. It was the actions, the overall context, that were important, not her words. And yes, in a little while, she dumped me. I learned the hard way to pay attention to context and actions. 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[preraph]

Look, this is something you should be able to so even if it was just a girlfriend in crisis.  You should be able to support them and remind them how great they are and how employers would be lucky to have them.  I remember a friend of mine who lives out of state got laid off from a big bank and was very worried.  By then she was about 50 and unsure if she would ever find another job.  I used to work with her when we were in our 20s, so I just told her she was a great worker and she certainly had more skills than the current crop of youngsters entering the work force and just built her back up again to have some confidence.  It's important to do that for people.  

[Hopeful30]

The one boyfriend I had who always asked this question was the one boyfriend who was always broke and didn't know how to make money. 

[Averis1]

On 3/21/2020 at 6:57 PM, Uptown182 said:

it’s because I never tell him I love him first.

Why so lazy & selfish? Why's it always have to be him who has to initiate everything? 

If you love him, why couldn't you say it yourself not even once? Not even once during this trying time.

He wanted some reassurance and you basically rejected that and then now feel "hurt" by all this.

I thought women catch onto this sort of thing faster and have more empathy?

Quote

why-would-he-question-my-love-for-him

Well, you're very passive which happens to be the case for a lot of women.

You never provided love and care unless it was given to you first.

[Versacehottie]

I don't see much wrong at all for this guy saying what was on his mind, his perception of things, his expressions of his worries and letting you know what to do to reassure him.  

It's no different than if you were expressing what was on your mind, your perception of things and your worries and letting him know what he could do.  

Idk, it sounds like he really loves you and cares what you think.  It's no harm to be the first one to say ILY first, especially since you do feel that way.  I think guys tie a lot of their self-esteem to their work and being productive and financial productive so this time I think is hitting them pretty hard from that perspective.  And if he's a financially successful guy in general or by appearances, a lot of those guys are always questioning the real reasons girls choose them.  I think it's fair and normal that he'd want reassurance and you could throw him a little his way  Good luck 

[Uptown182]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

I don't see much wrong at all for this guy saying what was on his mind, his perception of things, his expressions of his worries and letting you know what to do to reassure him.  

It's no different than if you were expressing what was on your mind, your perception of things and your worries and letting him know what he could do.  

Idk, it sounds like he really loves you and cares what you think.  It's no harm to be the first one to say ILY first, especially since you do feel that way.  I think guys tie a lot of their self-esteem to their work and being productive and financial productive so this time I think is hitting them pretty hard from that perspective.  And if he's a financially successful guy in general or by appearances, a lot of those guys are always questioning the real reasons girls choose them.  I think it's fair and normal that he'd want reassurance and you could throw him a little his way  Good luck 

Update:  We broke up in the beginning of April.  He basically told me he promised his ex wife he wouldn’t see anyone during this pandemic (we’re at the epicenter) otherwise he couldn’t see his kids, and then he basically ghosted me.

It really blindsided me and I was heart broken but I’m doing better now.  Really rough getting broken up with during a quarantine lol.

After we had that ILY conversation, I did start initiating saying ILY more often.  

Edited May 3, 2020 by Uptown182

[Lotsgoingon]

Very rough.

And the complication I see is ... the wife's reaction is valid ... and yet ... if I were in your position, I'd likely see the wife's demand as an excuse.

 

[Uptown182]

50 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Very rough.

And the complication I see is ... the wife's reaction is valid ... and yet ... if I were in your position, I'd likely see the wife's demand as an excuse.

 

Yup this post sums up how I feel.  I understand where she’s coming from and at the same I see it as an excuse to have broken up with me on his part.  
 

We didn’t have to see each other but we could’ve kept up the communication.  

Edited May 3, 2020 by Uptown182

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Update:  We broke up in the beginning of April.  He basically told me he promised his ex wife he wouldn’t see anyone during this pandemic (we’re at the epicenter) otherwise he couldn’t see his kids, and then he basically ghosted me.

It really blindsided me and I was heart broken but I’m doing better now.  Really rough getting broken up with during a quarantine lol.

After we had that ILY conversation, I did start initiating saying ILY more often.  

yeah whoops ok.  Well....wait how long have you been dating?  Sorry I need to scroll back up but just started typing.    I think if ILYs are being said both before and after the ghosting he is acting super needy and you guys need to straighten out some stuff first.   Ghosting and even breaking up is not a valid way to deal with not being able to see you--well unless you threw some sort of fit.  it's unreasonable. Also when the pandemic started no one really knew how long it would go on so I call b*llsh*t on that one.  As people/you said, you could have just said ok we won't see each other during this time, which at beginning was seemingly going to be shorter than it has stretched out to be.  Hmmmmmm.  Idk, how did he make his way back in with you and what reasoning did he use for his actions?

[Uptown182]

24 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

yeah whoops ok.  Well....wait how long have you been dating?  Sorry I need to scroll back up but just started typing.    I think if ILYs are being said both before and after the ghosting he is acting super needy and you guys need to straighten out some stuff first.   Ghosting and even breaking up is not a valid way to deal with not being able to see you--well unless you threw some sort of fit.  it's unreasonable. Also when the pandemic started no one really knew how long it would go on so I call b*llsh*t on that one.  As people/you said, you could have just said ok we won't see each other during this time, which at beginning was seemingly going to be shorter than it has stretched out to be.  Hmmmmmm.  Idk, how did he make his way back in with you and what reasoning did he use for his actions?

We haven’t spoken since the breakup/ghosting. The ILY issue was prior to that, and we were together for almost 7 months.  He started telling me he loved me about 3 months into the relationship.

When the lockdown first started we were still seeing each other twice a week.  About two weeks into the lockdown is when he broke/up ghosted me. I knew his ex -wife had started getting on his case about having anyone over his place or going to anyone’s place during the lockdown about a week before the break up.  
 

When he told me that he had promised his ex he wouldn’t see anyone during the lockdown, I told him I understood and agreed with it.  I was upset with him over something unrelated to that, but I wouldn’t say we had a fight.  He ended that call saying he’d call me back and I never heard from him again.  The next evening I texted him saying I loved him and hoped he was feeling ok (because at this point i didn’t know we were done), he never replied and that was the end of it.  

[Malin889]

I’m sorry to hear it’s over, that really stinks. Look at the bright side, when all this is over, there will be a ton of single guys just dying to date! 

[Versacehottie]

On 5/3/2020 at 2:50 PM, Uptown182 said:

We haven’t spoken since the breakup/ghosting. The ILY issue was prior to that, and we were together for almost 7 months.  He started telling me he loved me about 3 months into the relationship.

When the lockdown first started we were still seeing each other twice a week.  About two weeks into the lockdown is when he broke/up ghosted me. I knew his ex -wife had started getting on his case about having anyone over his place or going to anyone’s place during the lockdown about a week before the break up.  
 

When he told me that he had promised his ex he wouldn’t see anyone during the lockdown, I told him I understood and agreed with it.  I was upset with him over something unrelated to that, but I wouldn’t say we had a fight.  He ended that call saying he’d call me back and I never heard from him again.  The next evening I texted him saying I loved him and hoped he was feeling ok (because at this point i didn’t know we were done), he never replied and that was the end of it.  

Oh, ok.  Hmmm, I got the impression from your original post that you were still together.  Maybe you are just going through things in your head, wondering if you could have or should have done anything different?  Don't.  It's pretty messed up that he would disappear on you after dating 7 months.  He's in a difficult situation with the kids thing because though she shouldn't have phrased it as a demand, I do think it's probably the right thing to do to minimize potential contact with the kids and his responsibilities as a dad come before everything else.

I would say that the non-fight tiff you had probably played more into it than you realize.  Also depends on how long he's been divorced from his wife.  Could you have been a rebound and COVID is actually bringing them closer & potentially back together?  Or just that he can't deal in general and it's now hitting him that perhaps he moved on too fast.

I don't think it serves you though to keep thinking about it.  You did your best & the ball is definitely in his court.  I think if he was to try to pick things right back where they left off when this is over or even before, you should really figure out if getting back together would be the right thing.  I'm not so sure it is.  Good luck

[The Outlaw]

I'm sorry that it's over, but TBH, he's probably been burned before and he just tends to question everything. If anyone questions how you feel, they aren't the one for you.