Suicidal Friend

[manifestsunshine]

I have a close friend who is suicidal. I can empathize with him as I’ve been there before. He has lived a hard life - he’s from the hood and has experienced so much pain and hurt in his life...also developing mischievous habits that have landed him in prison. He is about to go back in for possibly a year. I am a huge empath and care for him deeply. For him to say how he doesn’t want to live anymore and is a waste of life really kills me. I don’t know what to do or say to console him. He has a good heart- I know he is a good person but he has not made the best decisions in his life. He is an alcoholic and self-sabotages all the time- it makes him aggressive to the point where he will fight strangers who provoke him. He wakes up and doesn’t remember what happened. When he is sober he is fine. 

He has only really revealed his true emotions of how he feels to me and on the outside it’s like he has a fake persona. I would have never known unless he told me. He recently mentioned he has found God, so I have encouraged him to ask for help and guidance.  My greatest fear is him committing any type of harm to himself or if he perhaps provokes a fight in jail and gets on a hit list for his extinguishment. My mind is all over the place as I know there’s nothing in my control and whatever happens will but I feel like all I can do is support him and be a source of comfort. Is there anything in particular or words of encouragement, hope and faith I can relay to him to help him change his mind? Thank you! I appreciate any advice.

[preraph]

If he ever actually threatens suicide, the ONLY right thing to do is call the police so they can take him to get help.  It's above your pay grade, and if all you do is sympathize, in some ways, that is just giving him a payoff for staying that way!  

I've had maybe three people start threatening suicide in my younger days, and my response on the first two, people I hadn't known that long who were young and had everything to live for, was anger and tough love to snap them out of it.  The other one was an ex-roommate, and I stopped work and had her meet me and took her car keys because she's a horrible driver in the best of times (she's bipolar) and sat with her at my house trying to get to the bottom of what triggered her, which turned out to be quite silly (she's bipolar) and she was jealous of something about her saint of a husband because she requires a lot of attention (narcissistic also) and wanted more attention and sex.  So I just had her sit tight and went and made a call to her husband, who was very worried, of course, and told him about her meltdown and "You need to have sex with her more often," and he said, "Done," and that was that.  Except that I made her make an appointment with a psychologist.

Edited April 6, 2020 by preraph

[Jency smith]

Ask him directly if they're having thoughts of suicide. Having someone care enough to ask these questions can help save your friend's life.

Some people (both teens and adults) are reluctant to ask teens if they've been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. They might worry that, by asking, they're planting the idea of suicide. Research has proven this to be 100% untrue. If you're worried — ask.

Asking someone if they're having thoughts about suicide can be hard. It can help to let your friend know why you're asking. For instance, you might say, "I've noticed that you've been talking a lot about wanting to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?" Be prepared for their answer and be ready to talk to a trusted adult at home or at school to get the help needed.

Edited April 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[Ellener]

On 3/22/2020 at 3:58 AM, manifestsunshine said:

He is an alcoholic

well that's about the one thing he won't get access to in prison...but suicide watch in prison is pretty intrusive ( and ineffectual )

If he has found faith encourage that, and most jails have a kindly minister or priest somewhere.

Hopefully this will be his last incarceration, will there be access to any positive programs like counselling, training, education?

[preraph]

You just don't ever want your sympathy to encourage them to do this for attention, because that is very common.  You call the police if he actually threatens.  Because if it's for attention, that will teach him not to do that again and if it's serious, they are the only ones who can take him to the hospital without a bunch of court orders and competency hearings.  

[manifestsunshine]

On 4/6/2020 at 9:40 AM, preraph said:

If he ever actually threatens suicide, the ONLY right thing to do is call the police so they can take him to get help.  It's above your pay grade, and if all you do is sympathize, in some ways, that is just giving him a payoff for staying that way!  

I've had maybe three people start threatening suicide in my younger days, and my response on the first two, people I hadn't known that long who were young and had everything to live for, was anger and tough love to snap them out of it.  The other one was an ex-roommate, and I stopped work and had her meet me and took her car keys because she's a horrible driver in the best of times (she's bipolar) and sat with her at my house trying to get to the bottom of what triggered her, which turned out to be quite silly (she's bipolar) and she was jealous of something about her saint of a husband because she requires a lot of attention (narcissistic also) and wanted more attention and sex.  So I just had her sit tight and went and made a call to her husband, who was very worried, of course, and told him about her meltdown and "You need to have sex with her more often," and he said, "Done," and that was that.  Except that I made her make an appointment with a psychologist.

Thank you for the advice! Right now he is stable with the c. virus he is now in good hands and is on probation instead of prison, so he is contained in the house with the right people to support him. His character mimicked one of a sociopath so the more he revealed to me, I instinctually had to politely leave due to my own physical and emotional safety. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 4/6/2020 at 9:45 AM, Jency smith said:

Ask him directly if they're having thoughts of suicide. Having someone care enough to ask these questions can help save your friend's life.

Some people (both teens and adults) are reluctant to ask teens if they've been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. They might worry that, by asking, they're planting the idea of suicide. Research has proven this to be 100% untrue. If you're worried — ask.

Asking someone if they're having thoughts about suicide can be hard. It can help to let your friend know why you're asking. For instance, you might say, "I've noticed that you've been talking a lot about wanting to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?" Be prepared for their answer and be ready to talk to a trusted adult at home or at school to get the help needed.

Thank you for your wisdom. I kind of have to put things aside as he recently revealed more to me. I honestly think he's a sociopath...so due to my own safety and sanity I had to leave. His parents know he has a lot of troubles and I know he's close to his mom. He's never hurt himself thankfully but he drinks. I helped him wean off of hard liquor so if I left him with one thing...is that I did try my best to be a good support system. I just found out he has kids, so I just hope his baby's mama can be the right person for him bc he's just been lying to my face. It's like the more I know, the more I don't want to know. 

[manifestsunshine]

On 4/6/2020 at 10:05 AM, Ellener said:

well that's about the one thing he won't get access to in prison...but suicide watch in prison is pretty intrusive ( and ineffectual )

If he has found faith encourage that, and most jails have a kindly minister or priest somewhere.

Hopefully this will be his last incarceration, will there be access to any positive programs like counselling, training, education?

Thanks for your knowledge and support. I thought he wouldn't get access to it but they do have it in jail. He told me they make it there with resources on hand. 

He has a lot of karmic baggage and I think if he does come back his next life will be definitely be harder. 

Luckily he is on probation but awaiting if he has to do jail time in the future. I don't know what's going to happen but I realized he is a sociopath. The more I hung around him, the worse it got so I had to distance myself for my own safety. He has his family and his girlfriend to support him, so I really hope they guide him down the right path to salvation. 

 

[preraph]

If he's a sociopath, you do need to completely break ties with him.  Sorry.   Sociopaths, there's nothing you can do to rehab them.  

[major_merrick]

On 4/6/2020 at 11:40 AM, preraph said:

If he ever actually threatens suicide, the ONLY right thing to do is call the police so they can take him to get help. 

He's going to prison.  Last thing this guy wants is another cop around.  And he might take the opportunity for "suicide by cop" so calling the police is exactly what NOT to do.

On 4/6/2020 at 12:05 PM, Ellener said:

well that's about the one thing he won't get access to in prison...but suicide watch in prison is pretty intrusive ( and ineffectual )

If he has found faith encourage that, and most jails have a kindly minister or priest somewhere.

Hopefully this will be his last incarceration, will there be access to any positive programs like counselling, training, education?

Hopefully he's found faith and that can make a difference.  There are some programs in prison that can be beneficial.  My sister is in prison for the next few years, and I'm encouraging her to take advantage of the education that's available.  And if substance abuse has landed this guy in prison, he'll likely have mandatory substance abuse counseling, which could be useful too.  OP, try to help your friend see the positive side of what he can reach for while he's on this "unwanted vacation."  A year in jail isn't like a multi-year sentence, so he's got hope.  Education, work-release, and other programs can help him have a better life than what he had before....if he takes advantage of it.  He needs to do his time, not anybody else's (ie. don't get in more trouble IN jail.) 

18 hours ago, manifestsunshine said:

He has a lot of karmic baggage and I think if he does come back his next life will be definitely be harder. 

I don't know what's going to happen but I realized he is a sociopath. The more I hung around him, the worse it got so I had to distance myself for my own safety. He has his family and his girlfriend to support him, so I really hope they guide him down the right path to salvation.

If he finds faith, I hope he finds one that offers redemption instead of reincarnation.  Big difference in outlook.  Better to be the repentant thief on the cross with a paradise waiting than a depressed Buddhist monk looking forward to the next life as a salmon or a turtle. 

IDK if he's a sociopath or not.  These terms get overused.  But if you have to distance yourself for safety, don't beat yourself up for it.  You can't let your own life get ruined by someone else's choices.  That said, loyalty in rough times counts for something too.  So evaluate your circumstances carefully.

[preraph]

Police are the only ones that can take him to a hospital so he gets actual psychological help, so it's exactly who you call.  Faith doesn't cure mental illness. 

[major_merrick]

@preraph  Police go into every situation with a gun....not who you want dealing with a desperate, suicidal person who has a negative history with police.  Too many ways for this guy to get shot either intentionally or unintentionally.  "Suicide by cop" is definitely a thing.  Even if calling the cops worked for the average suicidal person (and I would dispute that claim) the OP's friend is a different kind of case.  The risk involved in a law enforcement encounter is just so much higher with this one. 

BTW, medication isn't a cure either.  There really isn't a cure for mental illness...just lifelong treatments.  Faith and friendship can be very effective depending on the person. 

[preraph]

MM, everyone knows you hate police and government.  That's no reason to dispense bad advice to other people.  

 

There is treatment for a lot of mental illnesses.  

[major_merrick]

It is simple logic specific to the OP's situation, as I laid out quite plainly above.