Ex gf Behaviour what to do?

[Joblot]

Hi all hopefully someone can help me.

My ex and I broke up a little over a year ago.
I tried to fix things afterwards but she didn't seem like she wanted to saying she wasn't sure and didn't want to say yes to give me hope or say no to regret it in answer to meeting  up and going for coffee.
Throughout the last twelve months we having been talking on and off and it usually ends up with her ignoring me for a while (hours, days, weeks)until she pops up again out of the blue. I have seen her twice since breaking up and both times she tried to ignore me. Then afterwards messages me saying sorry that she couldn't stop and talk...
We would then chat for a bit and gradually she fades off again until she ignores me completely whilst still posting on social media. And again comes back saying something like 'sorry I missed your message!' and replies. I don't beleive she 'misses' it. She says it everytime she doesn't reply for a while.

That has been happening like I say for the last twelve months. I am very much in love with her, however when she ignores me I don't reinstate contact, I wait until she replies. 
I have done my best to get on with my life and my work life etc has gone really well.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. She popped up again after ignoring me AGAIN. We talked for a while and then out of the blue she asked me if I was seeing anyone. She hasn't asked me this since breaking up. I replied to her saying no. And asked if she was.
She then went on to tell me she 'might be going on a date, but not sure yet' 
This broke me inside but I remained calm I told her I wish her well and hoped she has a nice time. That I will always have a soft spot for her but I wished her well. She replied with 'thanks'. I also said that I hope s she felt better as she was feeling ill. She read that and once again didn't reply. 
I left it be and tried to focus myself on me and forget her 'date'.
So five days pass and again she reappears saying 'sorry I didn't see this' and she's been messaging me ever since.

She's always seems 'distant' towards me apart from sometimes where she seems genuinely interested in how I am.

Can someone please tell me what's going on here? I'm strtaing to lose my mind a bit over this as it confusing me ALOT. What is she thinking?

p.s. I hope everyone stays safe out there!

[Sinful]

33 minutes ago, Joblot said:

That has been happening like I say for the last twelve months. I am very much in love with her, however when she ignores me I don't reinstate contact, I wait until she replies. 
I have done my best to get on with my life and my work life etc has gone really well.

Mistake #1. You are always there whenever she gets "bored" and decides to pop back into your life again. You need to ignore her like she does you. If she really wants to get back with you then let her come after you. Do NOT chase her. Make her work for it. She's just stringing you along.

 

33 minutes ago, Joblot said:

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. She popped up again after ignoring me AGAIN. We talked for a while and then out of the blue she asked me if I was seeing anyone. She hasn't asked me this since breaking up. I replied to her saying no. And asked if she was.

Mistake #2. Don't give her any details about your personal life now that she's chosen not to be a part of it. Let her sit and wonder in mystery if you're with someone or not. If she really wants to be with you she needs to take the leap. 

My advice... since you're already talking to her again, just start to blow her off like she's been doing to you. Stop responding to her messages. If she presses you and starts to come after you just respond like she has been doing, "Oh, sorry I missed your message." Then continue to ignore and blow her off. 

She knows you'll be there whenever she comes calling and she's just toying with you IMO. When she gets to the point where SHE wants to meet you, then you can decide if you want to give her another chance. But don't let her use you like that.  

[Mystery4u]

Sorry but I don't really understand.... you have been broken up over a year.... why exactly are you even replying to her? She's an ex for a reason. That means cutting her out of your life and moving on and finding someone new.

Edited March 22, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Joblot]

3 hours ago, Sinful said:

Mistake #1. You are always there whenever she gets "bored" and decides to pop back into your life again. You need to ignore her like she does you. If she really wants to get back with you then let her come after you. Do NOT chase her. Make her work for it. She's just stringing you along.

 

Mistake #2. Don't give her any details about your personal life now that she's chosen not to be a part of it. Let her sit and wonder in mystery if you're with someone or not. If she really wants to be with you she needs to take the leap. 

My advice... since you're already talking to her again, just start to blow her off like she's been doing to you. Stop responding to her messages. If she presses you and starts to come after you just respond like she has been doing, "Oh, sorry I missed your message." Then continue to ignore and blow her off. 

She knows you'll be there whenever she comes calling and she's just toying with you IMO. When she gets to the point where SHE wants to meet you, then you can decide if you want to give her another chance. But don't let her use you like that.  

Thanks for your advice Sinful. Don't appreciate being strung along! Do you think she's confused about her feelings or just using me as an emotional cushion?

[Joblot]

3 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Sorry but I don't really understand.... you have been broken up over a year.... why exactly are you even replying to her? She's an ex for a reason. That means cutting her out of your life and moving on and finding someone new.

I reply because I don't like ignoring people. However I understand where you're coming from seeing as she seems to be able to pick me up and drop whenever suits.

ive been moving on with my life slowly, I'm in a much better state than I was a few months ago.

[Mystery4u]

6 minutes ago, Joblot said:

I reply because I don't like ignoring people. However I understand where you're coming from seeing as she seems to be able to pick me up and drop whenever suits.

ive been moving on with my life slowly, I'm in a much better state than I was a few months ago.

You don't ignore people who give you the same respect back and don't ignore you either. Just re read your opening post again, how many times did you mention she just ignored you?

She is just giving you breadcrumbs... you are nothing more than an orbiter to her now... someone to contact when she wants to feel some attention.

You will move on with your life a lot quicker if you stop talking to her, full stop.

[Sinful]

3 minutes ago, Joblot said:

Thanks for your advice Sinful. Don't appreciate being strung along! Do you think she's confused about her feelings or just using me as an emotional cushion?

Unfortunately based on what you've provided I'd lean more towards the latter. If you look at what you wrote below, what is she really saying and what are her actions saying?

@Joblot "I tried to fix things afterwards but she didn't seem like she wanted to saying she wasn't sure and didn't want to say yes to give me hope or say no to regret it in answer to meeting."

To me this says she doesn't want to be with you, but wants to keep you around on a leash just in case she changes her mind or gets bored, etc. Cut her out of your life completely so she can see what it's really like to not have you around. Only then will she realize that she has to make a choice... she can either accept that you're gone and move on, which she's already done except you're allowing her to keep you on a leash, so it's no loss to you at all if she lets go of the leash. OR, she can come to the realization that she doesn't want to lose you and in which case will make a real effort to get you back.... but would you really want her back is the question?

  

 

[Joblot]

1 hour ago, Mystery4u said:

You don't ignore people who give you the same respect back and don't ignore you either. Just re read your opening post again, how many times did you mention she just ignored you?

She is just giving you breadcrumbs... you are nothing more than an orbiter to her now... someone to contact when she wants to feel some attention.

You will move on with your life a lot quicker if you stop talking to her, full stop.

Yes you're very right. It's pretty rude on her part. 

Thanks I think I will pluck up the courage and block her

[Joblot]

1 hour ago, Sinful said:

Unfortunately based on what you've provided I'd lean more towards the latter. If you look at what you wrote below, what is she really saying and what are her actions saying?

@Joblot "I tried to fix things afterwards but she didn't seem like she wanted to saying she wasn't sure and didn't want to say yes to give me hope or say no to regret it in answer to meeting."

To me this says she doesn't want to be with you, but wants to keep you around on a leash just in case she changes her mind or gets bored, etc. Cut her out of your life completely so she can see what it's really like to not have you around. Only then will she realize that she has to make a choice... she can either accept that you're gone and move on, which she's already done except you're allowing her to keep you on a leash, so it's no loss to you at all if she lets go of the leash. OR, she can come to the realization that she doesn't want to lose you and in which case will make a real effort to get you back.... but would you really want her back is the question?

  

 

Thanks that seems pretty selfish to me! I doubt she'll ever want to come back. Got to forget and try and look forward. 

[preraph]

1 hour ago, Joblot said:

Thanks for your advice Sinful. Don't appreciate being strung along! Do you think she's confused about her feelings or just using me as an emotional cushion?

No.  I think you're confused about her feelings.  She is moving on.  She knew you and once cared about you and doesn't wish you any ill will, but she also has no interest in ever getting back together.  And now, because you're acting like her "buddy" and letting that go on, she will now turn you into her girlfriend she can tell about all her dates and sex life and so forth.  

 

You have to understand that women, exes, can be "just friends" happy as a clam going forward with no regrets or wishes to ever be romantic with you again.  Being just friends is super easy and natural for women.  Men, however, can't take it and therefore should just block the woman and stop getting upset by her contacting you and you trying to read something into it.  

[Sinful]

36 minutes ago, Joblot said:

Thanks that seems pretty selfish to me! I doubt she'll ever want to come back. Got to forget and try and look forward. 

Just remember, it no longer matters what she wants anymore. She chose to end it with you. I think one thing we tend to forget is that during the breakup the breaker has all the power because the breakee doesn't want or isn't expecting the break and has no control. But once the break is done, then the power shifts back to the breakee. The breaker can't just come back into your life and pretend as though the breakup never occurred. You have to accept and allow that person to come back. 

Right now she has you on a leash and knows (or at least thinks) she can get back if/whenever she wants. Cut the leash and take back the power. It doesn't matter what she wants anymore. If she wants you back, let her come back begging, and then YOU decide whether you want to take her back or not.

 

12 minutes ago, preraph said:

You have to understand that women, exes, can be "just friends" happy as a clam going forward with no regrets or wishes to ever be romantic with you again.  Being just friends is super easy and natural for women. 

I'd say that's not always the case. With my exes they usually can't handle being "friends". Even the 1 ex that I'd say I had a closer friendship with (in addition to the relationship), even though we still maintain contact, it's just not the same. I wouldn't even define our current relationship as "friends", it's a friendly relationship with an ex. 

[preraph]

No.  I agree it's not the same.  The friendship changes, and not all of them are like that, but I know I kind of kept up with my exes for some time, and I know women who have for years, and there's nothing to it, really.  If you ever really liked someone, that doesn't just go away entirely.  You may have things that you like to talk about, common interests.  But you move on.  

[kendahke]

On 3/22/2020 at 1:08 PM, Joblot said:

Can someone please tell me what's going on here?

Yeah--you haven't blocked her from contacting you at will.  She's going to keep barging through that unlocked door and picking your scab off whenever she feels like it.

And she knows each time you contact her---she just doesn't feel like dealing with you when you're the one reaches out. That's called "playing you".

Quote

I'm strtaing to lose my mind a bit over this as it confusing me ALOT. What is she thinking?

Her own happiness and amusement. Nothing more.

On 3/22/2020 at 1:08 PM, Joblot said:

We talked for a while and then out of the blue she asked me if I was seeing anyone.

That is no longer any of her business. She is not owed an answer or any other information about you or your life.  Telling her "no" is you fertilizing her contempt for you because she knows you're sitting around pining for her and time is on her side.

You need to be out dating and enjoying the company of other women and keeping her totally in the dark about it. That means you tell your friends to keep their mouths shut about you to her so she can't go pump them for the information she's not owed.

Edited March 24, 2020 by kendahke

[Marc878]

She’s shown you enough of what you need to know.

This is your problem to resolve.

Why keep stringing yourself along in this?

[kendahke]

On 3/22/2020 at 5:37 PM, Joblot said:

I reply because I don't like ignoring people.

You reply because you're frantic for her to come back to you and you think this is how you'll accomplish that.

"Ignoring people" and cutting a manipulative ex who doesn't want to be with you --and hasn't for over a year-- out of your life are two completely different things.

[Joblot]

Thanks guys it's clear then from what you are all saying she doing nothing more than stringing me along for her own ego boost.

she ignored me again for four days, popped up saying she only just seen this (even though it showed she read it) contiiuned to message me until she ignored me again for a day then come back saying 'hope you are ok' I've replied and nothing again.

im blocking her now, she can get lost enough is enough! 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Good riddance my friend

[JacobJ29]

Yeah, you needed to go no-contact with this one from the off. You literally haven't been able to move on with yourself because you're subconsciously always waiting for her message.

If you take those avenues out of the equation, you will retrain your mind to not expect those message and you will start to live a life without the thought of her popping up.

It won't fix it's self over night or next week, or next month - but it'll get easier. Just think, every time she goes quiet on you...you probably move yourself on a bit, but as soon as she reaches out again you go right back to stage one. Don't do it to yourself, keep her blocked and move on and find someone new. She's treated you like someone she can pickup and play with when she's bored for too long, that doesn't really equate to a decent person in my eyes.