At a loss

[Mezzo]

I was on here last year but I'm back cause I am seriously at a loss on how to proceed in life in general. I'm still angry at my ex, wish it never happened. Thoughts/memories of them pop up and it still bugs me. Rl friends that I had talked to about it or were in contact with I havent spoken to since. I gave up trying to keep the friendship going as I was usually always the one to prompt.

I've lost my job, the store I worked at got closed down and I while I recently just got a temp opportunity, it was canceled because of the covid shut down. i still live with my parents as well and can't help out money wise because of it(and my rents need it, we've never had a lot of money).

My depression has just steadily gotten worse and I had already been struggling to sort my life out since finished college (in 2018) before the whole ex blowup. I can't seem to focus enough to finish projects (my career choice is in the digital creative area). I end up just spending all day reading or crying. A project that took me 20 hours, I did in 2 months.

So I could make money from freelance but I can't push myself to make the plunge

I'm so confused on what to do. I've tried so many different organization things to sort myself out and they always fail. I take meds and see a psyc, and while they help I'm going to bring up to the psyc next time that I don't feel like theyve helped. I've been in the same constant 'no ability to be consistantly productive' for almost two years now. And really it's a life long struggle, only reaso  I have been productive before was because it was school.

I'm lonely because I basically have no friends, and miss the intimacy from my last relationship(which was the first, had never been that close with a person before even platonically).But also content because I like being alone. I just feel like a big ol mess. 

I don't know if this place or forum is the correct spot for a text wall like this lol. Don't worry I am safe and be in contact with my psyc bout this. I really appreciate it if you actually read all of this.

[Foxhall]

It is good to be alive anyway so keep your spirits up,

feelings of depression and uncertainty are only temporary,

I sense plenty of spark and personality in you and its just a matter of getting back out into society (not the easiest time for that I suppose!) and getting productive again,

for now perhaps go for a walk or run every day, look at online courses on setting up a business, join some online meet-up groups even for a while, keep connected and be curious, 

plenty of good times ahead of you.