I don't know what to think

[Lilyy]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now we’ve dealt with long distance, his depression when I met him and mine 2 years later ( still going) Now we live in the same city but not together 

i don’t know what to think anymore about our relationship. I love him that’s for sure we are really in love and that’s I think what’s keeping us together right now. Otherwise we don’t get along anymore,he thinks I have to much expectations because I expect my man my boyfriend to be there for me when I’m not okay and all I get from him is compassion and sentences like I understand how you feel or even better I’m living the same thing here. If I’m complaining about work he’ll say that for him it’s worse because of this and this if I complain about the fact that I’m loooosing my mind with all this covid he’ll answer me too we are in the same situation . And I get that I get that we are living the same things and facing problems but for once I would just love for him to hold me and just telle me don’t worry. Or do I really ask for too much ?  I really need to know if I’m the mean diabolical person in this relationship or are those normal expectations ? I lost all my friends trough this relationship and it’s my fault I know when we first started dating I understood that the fact that I had a looot of friends hurted him because he didn’t have any and I started talking less to my friend when we were together and making more plans with him and stuff but he didn’t make me I did it on y own but I shouldn’t have ! Now I lost alllllllll my friends through this and depression of couuuurse and now I have one friend a girl from my old school and we meet like once a month ! and when I feel sad and tell him I don’t have anyone to talk too anymore I feel so alone well First he tells me that’s it’s hurtful for him that I say that because he’s here and second he tells me that he envy me because well at least I got this one friend ! I don’t know if this is a sane relationship anymore 

Is it normal that my boyfriend is more fragile and sensible that I am ? I don’t think I can handle it anymore 

I feel like I can’t really be the girl in this relationship

I know that both of us are facing depression but I don’t know what to think anymore ! Is it normal to expect from your boyfriend to be there and cheer u up instead of telling you I feel as bad as you what do you expect from me ? 
 
i really just need some guidance 

 

Edited March 24, 2020 by Lilyy

[schlumpy]

I think that after six years your relationship is at a crossroads and any squabble is liable to send you both off in different directions.

[Azincourt]

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

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I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now we’ve dealt with long distance, his depression when I met him and mine 2 years later ( still going) Now we live in the same city but not together 

How has he been dealing with his depression?

Does he get help from professionals? has he gone into therapy? What steps has he taken to deal with his medical condition as well possible? Relationships are hard work.  Harder still when people have to deal with a medical condition that never really goes away, in many  many cases.

Quote

i don’t know what to think anymore about our relationship. I love him that’s for sure we are really in love and that’s I think what’s keeping us together right now. Otherwise we don’t get along anymore,he thinks I have to much expectations because I expect my man my boyfriend to be there for me when I’m not okay and all I get from him is compassion and sentences like I understand how you feel or even better I’m living the same thing here.

 

As I've said before - relationships are hard work. Maybe your boyfriend is a great guy, but he's not cut out for all of the emotional workout that a committed relationship is, as girlfriends(and boyfriends I'm sure) expect a guy to act as a sort of emotional pillar, kinda like what a personal therapist or psychologist does - but without getting paid for it.

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with that? 

Maybe he's overburdened by his own issues, by the issues caused by his family, and by life in general, making his patience short and quick?

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

If I’m complaining about work he’ll say that for him it’s worse because of this and this if I complain about the fact that I’m loooosing my mind with all this covid

Yes, but why do you complain about work? Almost everyone has grips about the job they're working. Why darken the skies of the relationship by voicing your issues regarding your workplace situation? Why not do what my parents used to do before they were retired?

Instead of complaining, my father would lift heavy weights until he was too tired to be annoyed, whereas my mother would jump onto the treadmill or the stationary bike and she'd do the same, until she was too tired to be angry.

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

 

 

he’ll answer me too we are in the same situation . And I get that I get that we are living the same things and facing problems but for once I would just love for him to hold me and just telle me don’t worry.

 

You know he loves you. Why does he need to tell you that?  Have you told him you want to be held and told all that stuff?

Don't worry. The women in my family went through world war I and world war II and vietnam and the civil war and the Korean wars and all that, with their men risking their life and limb for Country,  while raising a bucket load of kids, and they did just fine. You're going to be fine too. Just stay at home, only get out of the house to buy the essentials and be safe about it. This too will pass, like every hardship Mankind had to live through.

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

 

 

Or do I really ask for too much ?

That's something only you or your boyfriend can answer, not me, and certainly not a bunch of random people on the internet.  I'm pretty clear about what I want from a relationship. I want something casual. I don't want to deal with problems, issues, commitments, expectations or obligations, either emotional or financial ones. I always promptly give out a disclaimer of what a woman is going to get and not get, by dating me.

What have you guys agreed on? While creating the relationship and while developing it?

 

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

 

 

 I really need to know if I’m the mean diabolical person in this relationship or are those normal expectations ? I lost all my friends trough this relationship and it’s my fault I know when we first started dating I understood that the fact that I had a looot of friends hurted him because he didn’t have any and I started talking less to my friend when we were together and making more plans with him and stuff but he didn’t make me I did it on y own but I shouldn’t have !

Sounds complicated. You shouldn't be losing your friends because you're in a relationship, and if the guy is so insecure about you having male friends, then what's the point in dating the guy in the first place? There's plenty of fish out there on the sea, and although you do love him - you can love other men. Men who aren't jealous, controlling, demanding and who lack the ability to trust the women they date.

 

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

 

Now I lost alllllllll my friends through this and depression of couuuurse and now I have one friend a girl from my old school and we meet like once a month ! and when I feel sad and tell him I don’t have anyone to talk too anymore I feel so alone well First he tells me that’s it’s hurtful for him that I say that because he’s here and second he tells me that he envy me because well at least I got this one friend ! I don’t know if this is a sane relationship anymore 

Sounds like he prefers you to be socially isolated from other people and to not have a social safety net so he can better control you and make you abide by what he wants. My mom's hot. Legit, former Miss Italy, swimsuit model, fashion model, and my father has never, never, ever made it a rule that my mother couldn't have male friends or female friends. Heck, my mom's used to hang out all night long in nightclubs with their friends while my dad took care of the kids and it was pretty chill between them, and in the same vein my dad always had very attractive female friends and my mom never once made drama over it.

For a relationship to work, what is the most important factor?

Trust.

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

Is it normal that my boyfriend is more fragile and sensible that I am ? I don’t think I can handle it anymore 

yeah, sounds like he's pretty weak. I don't see the point of being in a heterosexual relationship if the dude's more emotional than a 19 year old who just just got rejected by America's next top model casting staff.

9 hours ago, Lilyy said:

I feel like I can’t really be the girl in this relationship

I know that both of us are facing depression but I don’t know what to think anymore ! Is it normal to expect from your boyfriend to be there and cheer u up instead of telling you I feel as bad as you what do you expect from me ? 
 
i really just need some guidance 

 

Get into therapy and professional help if you can afford it. Work on your personal issues, and then evaulate if you want to really be in this relationship because you actually love him and want to work it out, or if you're staying in this relationship because you have no friends, no family near you, and you're afraid of being alone so he stick with him despite being clearly unhappy with the relationship you're part of.

[smackie9]

He's a boat anchor right from the start...should have jumped ship! And now look at the sacrifice you made just to be with him. Time to get out and live your life the way you need to without him. He's pulling you down.

[snowboy91]

23 hours ago, Lilyy said:

I lost all my friends trough this relationship and it’s my fault I know when we first started dating I understood that the fact that I had a looot of friends hurted him because he didn’t have any and I started talking less to my friend when we were together and making more plans with him and stuff but he didn’t make me I did it on y own but I shouldn’t have ! Now I lost alllllllll my friends through this and depression of couuuurse and now I have one friend a girl from my old school and we meet like once a month ! and when I feel sad and tell him I don’t have anyone to talk too anymore I feel so alone well First he tells me that’s it’s hurtful for him that I say that because he’s here and second he tells me that he envy me because well at least I got this one friend ! 

 

Having been through similar things, I think this is perhaps one point where things took a wrong turn. Why did you feel like pulling away from your friends? To me this is coming across as unnecessary self-sacrifice on your part. He wasn't happy with you having more friends than he did, only because he wished he had more friends - which was his thing to work on. Unfortunately you took it as a requirement to pull away from your friends, and the rest is history.

Maintaining close friendships outside the relationship isn't a luxury - it's a necessity for most people aside from strong introverts. Which people in relationships often forget. These are expectations and boundaries you have to set and maintain firmly - otherwise you will be miserable.

The question now is whether there is enough left in your relationship to try and do that while staying with him, or whether you leave and try and get the life you want back. Realistically, it's only you who can make that call.