Boyfriend bought a house and wants me to pay 'rent'

[Poppy93]

My boyfriend (25 M) and I (26 F) have been together for 3 years. He still lived with his parents at this point, and as we lived an hour away from eachother, his parents kindly said I could stay there and get a job closer. I took them up on the offer and we lived at his parents for a year whilst we were talking about getting our own place.

We were looking at properties together originally and we both did not have the deposit money.  My boyfriend was increasingly getting stressed living with his parents and the conversation arose for his parents to lend him the deposit money, and that was that. He would still look through houses with me like he was still involving me, but he went to see the property with his mum and put an offer down. I didn't see the house until I moved in. 

Fast forward 8 months and I pay him £300 rent and half of the utilties. I am becoming resentful that my money is going into funding his mortage and I'll have nothing to show for it if we break up.  His argument is always that he is taking on most of the risk and upkeep costs if anything goes wrong- true.  It's become more than that for me though, it's about the lack of trust and security and tackling issues as a team. There seems to be a disconnect. 

So yesterday I talked to him again about my concerns. I told him that I did not mind paying him rent temporarily but I need some kind of commitment that we will get more serious with eachother, otherwise I feel I'm getting the worse end of this arrangement. I put this forward to him by suggesting we sell up after he's finished his apprenticeship (in 2 years) and buy a house together with a joint mortage. 

He says he won't be ready to move out in 2 years after the stress he's been through moving in the current property.  When I mentioned my concerns about wanting to trust and have some security in my partner, he says he will never get a joint mortage with anybody because it's too risky and his parents have the same arrangement with their property. It's a null point that we would be stronger together financially and he asks why i want to "overstretch us getting a house we can't afford" in the future.  He talks to me about it as if I have painted a picture an idealistic vision of a future in my head, rather than me having some future goals that I'd like to share with somebody. It also comes across that I am a liabilty rather than an asset when I'm in a steady job and studying for a doctorate. He even says "it's boring to plan everything out" but it's becoming hurtful to me that he is so inconsiderate of my security.  It's also hurtful that I had no real say in the house and he doesn't see why I should because it's "his house and it's the best for the price anyway". His resolution to the problem is that we can get somebody to rent the spare room and he'll stop charging me rent. The real kicker is that he has overstretched himself and got a mortage on a house that was above his original budget and he can't afford without me (although I had no minimal input in choosing the house).

I'm thinking about looking for a place of my own now. Just wanted somebody else's opinion on the situation?

[schlumpy]

 

You would be renting anyway and that money would not be buying you anything but temporary shelter. Can you get a place to live for under 300 pounds or is the money you contribute to the household a bargain? If your current situation is the bargain then you could maintain your current status and start putting money away. If you can create a nice emergency fund then the time is well spent. You will come out of a breakup with something. Consider also that you have none of the obligations that a home owner has. If the heating system goes bad then it's not your problem. The city decides you need new sidewalks? The bill won't have your name on it. You already paid your rent. You should consider a legal agreement like a lease that spells out your responsibilities and his. Not very romantic but that's our modern life.

[stillafool]

If I were you I would move out and find my own place.   It is clear he doesn't want to be a joint property owner with you.  You are right that you are wasting time that you could be buying something or doing something for your own future.  He's certainly taking care of his.

[Azincourt]

You are not married to him, so why exactly are you living with him if you are that concerned about having to pay rent to live with him? 

From a legal point of view, if your relationship runs it's course and you two break-up,  since you are not married and you haven't been co-habitating with each other for a minimum of 2 years: you are not entitled to getting any money back from paying rent, nor are you entitled to any percentage of the house.

At 25 years of age, he's WAYYY too young to get himself in something as serious as co-habitation with someone other than his parents or roomates. I'm amazed that a guy that young is doing what he'd doing, to be honest.

[smackie9]

What you should be doing is paying less than you would be paying for rent, and sock away that extra money so you will have a down payment. You should be looking at this as an opportunity, not a burden. If things don't work out you will have all this extra money to get your own place or invest it. It's a no brainer. If you ditch this you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

[simpycurious]

I am amazed at how many of these threads seem to focus on MONEY.   Whether it's on a date or an living arrangement.  I would NEVER want a GF to pay anything in a living arrangement like the OP is describing.  I will say that HE seems pretty adamant about the OP not being a viable part of any mortgage and that is a smart move in the event there is a break up.  

[smackie9]

TBH I don't see a difference...no matter what you are paying someone's mortgage. I don't think you should pay for half, but pay a smaller portion. If the roles were revered, what would most people say? The guy shouldn't be getting a free ride.

Edited March 24, 2020 by smackie9

[alphamale]

make a list of all the sexual acts you perform on him and put a price down for each one.  present the list to him and see if he still wants to charge you rent

[SumGuy]

It would be one thing if you were building a life together but looks like he is building his and you may or may not be along for the ride.

For me the big question is 300 a great deal or not.  If it is half the mortgage not a good deal.  If it is a great deal it is fair and you are not just a tenant with benefits.  If it is what anyone one would pay or half his mortgage, then you are a tenant with benefits.   

Does he take care of all repairs, keep all common areas clean, have the walk and drive shoveled of snow before you need to go to work, do tenants have to pay utilities where you live?  If he is going to charge you like a landlord, he should be living up to his responsibilities.

If he is going to treat you like a tenant, then where is your lease?   Maybe get a lease (get one where he can't kick you out), rent a room, then start seeing someone else.  If he is going to charge you rent, at least in most places I live, you have tenant rights even if there is no lease, even if it is an adult child, even if you are dating.

Edited March 24, 2020 by SumGuy

[amaysngrace]

Ugh, he’s never going to marry you.  

People regardless of gender want someone who is easy to be with.

[Springsummer]

1 hour ago, alphamale said:

make a list of all the sexual acts you perform on him and put a price down for each one.  present the list to him and see if he still wants to charge you rent

Traditional speaking...and I agreed. 

but nowadays, maybe he thinks he should be the one who  should get paid for the acts? you just never know...

[preraph]

He can't turn around and sell his home in two years because the interest on it will make it sell for far less than he owes on it, so that's not even a possibility.  He should not put you on the mortgage and you should not agree to go on it unless you are married.  Otherwise, do not share money with each other.  At this point, your choices are to find your own place and just not live with him or to pay him rent, because that's what it is.  No, you do not own the house or have any rights to it if he sells, nor should you unless you are married.  And if you're married, you should still be paying your share.  It's his house.  You are his roommate, and that is all.  You can choose not to be his roommate at any time.  I have to assume it would cost you way more to rent another place than $300, which seems very reasonble to me.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, alphamale said:

make a list of all the sexual acts you perform on him and put a price down for each one.  present the list to him and see if he still wants to charge you rent

And, suppose he turns around and presents her a bill for the sexual acts he did to her?  See how this works.😉

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm wondering why OP feels entitled to live anywhere for free.Chipping in is the nice thing to do.  

[preraph]

Well, they've been freeloading on his parents, so this is their first venture out into the real world and paying for your own place to live.  I guess she could move in with her parents.  

[FMW]

If you're worried about your rights, have a lease drawn up.  That would protect you from being kicked out on the street without warning if you break up.  

You would be paying rent to someone if you weren't living with him.  He not only has the mortgage to pay, but he has taxes, insurance and utilities.  And if the appliances break down, the roof is damaged, etc. he has to pay to fix it.

Unless you're experiencing some kind of financial emergency, or staying home taking care of his children (I assume that's not the case), I can't imagine feeling you should not have to contribute financially.

 

[Azincourt]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

What you should be doing is paying less than you would be paying for rent, and sock away that extra money so you will have a down payment. You should be looking at this as an opportunity, not a burden. If things don't work out you will have all this extra money to get your own place or invest it. It's a no brainer. If you ditch this you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

I wonder how the discussion of how much money she should be paying or not to live in her boyfriends house is going to work out.

''Hey, you don't mind if I pay you less than I'd pay if I was renting a house alone do you?''

''And then he says,

''But don't you want to feel like you're contributing equally to the household?''.

''Nah, gotta make a nest-egg in case I dump you or you dump me ''

🤣

Quote

make a list of all the sexual acts you perform on him and put a price down for each one.  present the list to him and see if he still wants to charge you rent

But they're not married. How would she have the legal clout to charge for sex?

Quote

I am amazed at how many of these threads seem to focus on MONEY.   Whether it's on a date or an living arrangement.  I would NEVER want a GF to pay anything in a living arrangement like the OP is describing.  I will say that HE seems pretty adamant about the OP not being a viable part of any mortgage and that is a smart move in the event there is a break up.  

Money doesn't grow on trees. Some people make more than enough to support a household on their own, but  I don't know that many middle-class men  her boyfriend's age who are going to live with their girlfriend and have her live there for free.

I know a couple who are in their late 20s. They've been dating for 7 years now. They rented a house together, guy had a job, she did too, but he was the only one paying rent because she wanted to save her money, so both of them had no other option but to return to their respective parent's home because the guy couldn't afford the rent on his own 🤣

Living with someone when the guy's that young is not a good idea. Enjoy your freedom, Op's boyfriend. You're finally out of your parents house. Why you wanna share your living space with someone and have to report to someone where you are and when you're going to be back home.

Edited March 24, 2020 by Azincourt

[smackie9]

I don't see the humor of each person protecting their self interest. He gets some of that mortgage paid down that HE owns, and she gets to save some money. If they do end up getting a place together, get married, then that money can go into it too. So it works both scenarios. If he can't afford the place without her then he's making a huge mistake. Betting on this relationship lasting into marriage is a gamble that's why his name is on the deed.

Edited March 24, 2020 by smackie9

[Azincourt]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I don't see the humor of each person protecting their self interest. He gets some of that mortgage paid down that HE owns, and she gets to save some money. If they do end up getting a place together, get married, then that money can go into it too. So it works both scenarios. If he can't afford the place without her then he's making a huge mistake. Betting on this relationship lasting into marriage is a gamble that's why his name is on the deed.

Betting into any relationship lasting into marriage is a gamble.

Then having that marriage last more than a few years is a bigger gamble that just isn't worth it for many women and men, as the majority of first marriages end up in divorce, with the percentage of failed marriages rising significantly for second and third marriages.

Having her pay some of the mortgage doesn't mean anything. I know a guy who's living with a woman, she's put 10 years of wages into the house she shares with him, and the guy somehow managed to not only put the house's deed on his name, but he got the house's deed on his brother's name, and now if she wants to break up and wants some of the money she's invested all she's getting is fairy dust.

Living with someone is a terrible risk, that should only be undertaken if the person is truly sure she or he wants to spend the rest of their biological lives with the significant other at hand.

But at 25 years old? 26 years?

Nah, nah. That's way too young.

Move in with someone/marry when you are in your late 30s or early 40s. That's more than enough time to have fun, enjoy your life, travel the world, meet new cultures - then after all of that is done is when you decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

And man, is that life long. The average lifespan for a healthy western man is 75 years. 

Gotta make sure she's the right one if you are meant to spend the next 50 years in a non-open relationship with someone.

[preraph]

I would say she needs to move out on her own and learn whether she can support herself or not and to gain some perspective.  See, to her, she hasn't been paying, so she thinks this is expensive.  He hasn't been paying either, but he has a much better grasp of it all.  He's smart for buying instead of renting and for not putting her on it, because why on earth would he?  She's complaining about a measley $300.  No way you would count on her to keep from losing the house.  

 

They're in the real world now and I bet it makes them go their separate ways if she's still wanting to be taken care of for free.  

[Azincourt]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

I would say she needs to move out on her own and learn whether she can support herself or not and to gain some perspective.  See, to her, she hasn't been paying, so she thinks this is expensive.  He hasn't been paying either, but he has a much better grasp of it all.  He's smart for buying instead of renting and for not putting her on it, because why on earth would he?  She's complaining about a measley $300.  No way you would count on her to keep from losing the house.  

 

They're in the real world now and I bet it makes them go their separate ways if she's still wanting to be taken care of for free.  

Yes, exactly!

I was 18 years old when I got to live on my own for the first time, and it was bliss and it's still bliss to come home to peace and quiet.

OP and her boyfriend should experience that before they put ink to paper and start to live together and suddenly there's a house involved that both of them will have money invested and that both will want to have a share of if the relationship ends - yikes.

Way too much drama for someone that young,  which the OP and her boyfriend both are. Young.

Let the guy learn how to support himself, how to run a house on his own without having someone help pay the rent. Let the guy develop a taste and a habit of taking care of himself, and she should be doing the same.

[Poppy93]

 

Just wanted to make it clear than I'm not expecting a free-ride, I'd always pay my share of the bills. I'm also okay paying him rent in the understanding that it would not be in my best interest to do this forever if I could be saving for my own place if he doesn't see a future with me. I could move back in with my parents, save myself the heartache of dragging on a relationship where we both have different goals and save money for a house deposit of my own more quickly. And I don't see that as "free-loading"- it's difficult now to save up when you're younger and his parents were kind enough to give us the chance to save up rather than waste money on rent. We don't want to get married. Overall it's not just about money, it's about the commitment to share a mortage and grow something together.  

I understand where some people on here are coming from, it's not a massive rent payment to not be able to save alongside it and I do. 
 

Thanks for everybody's insight.

[Azincourt]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

I would say she needs to move out on her own and learn whether she can support herself or not and to gain some perspective.  See, to her, she hasn't been paying, so she thinks this is expensive.  He hasn't been paying either, but he has a much better grasp of it all.  He's smart for buying instead of renting and for not putting her on it, because why on earth would he?  She's complaining about a measley $300.  No way you would count on her to keep from losing the house.  

 

They're in the real world now and I bet it makes them go their separate ways if she's still wanting to be taken care of for free.  

When my mom was 18, she was living a room that was $500 a month.  Having an entire house in OP's disposal for $300 is amazing. What if the guy asked for like $1500 a month?

[Poppy93]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

I would say she needs to move out on her own and learn whether she can support herself or not and to gain some perspective.  See, to her, she hasn't been paying, so she thinks this is expensive.  He hasn't been paying either, but he has a much better grasp of it all.  He's smart for buying instead of renting and for not putting her on it, because why on earth would he?  She's complaining about a measley $300.  No way you would count on her to keep from losing the house.  

 

They're in the real world now and I bet it makes them go their separate ways if she's still wanting to be taken care of for free.  

 
I've lived by myself (financially independent) for 3 years whilst at University. I have been paying him rent and half the utilities since we've moved in and continue to do so. I'd help him out if he was ever struggling because we're in a relationship and I care for him. It's not just about being a renter and landlord.. we're a couple. 

I earn more than him and have never depended on him financially. I just want something to share rather than something that's a strange power dynamic. 

[Azincourt]

Quote

Just wanted to make it clear than I'm not expecting a free-ride, I'd always pay my share of the bills. I'm also okay paying him rent in the understanding that it would not be in my best interest to do this forever if I could be saving for my own place if he doesn't see a future with me. I could move back in with my parents, save myself the heartache of dragging on a relationship where we both have different goals and save money for a house deposit of my own more quickly. And I don't see that as "free-loading"- it's difficult now to save up when you're younger and his parents were kind enough to give us the chance to save up rather than waste money on rent. We don't want to get married. Overall it's not just about money, it's about the commitment to share a mortage and grow something together.  

If I was you, I'd move back in with my parents, then spend the next 5-10 years saving as much as possible. Then put a downpayment on a house if you are interested in being a homeowner, if you get married, get an iron-clad prenup that clearly states everything you've bought and owned before taking part in a common-law marriage, if you don't actually get legally married,(about 2 years of living together with someone) belongs to you and to only you.

Love, marriage and children  is a beautiful thing, but you know what's even more beautiful? Having a roof over your head that isn't at risk of being taken away from you.

Edited March 24, 2020 by Azincourt