Boyfriend bought a house and wants me to pay 'rent'

[nittygritty]

2 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

It’s not about paying a small amount of rent short term with future goals- it’s the principle of paying this long term and putting a huge chunk of money into paying off his mortgage and having nothing to show for it.

It is a lot less money than you would likely be paying to live independently of your parents. When you factor in interest on his mortgage loan and the number of years it will take to pay it off, it is nothing. Especially considering there will be expensive home maintenance costs like plumbing and heat and air conditioning repairs that you will have contributed to the usage of but not the cost to repair. You are paying for the luxury of having a roof over your head, a bedroom to sleep in and the use of a bathroom and kitchen and all the other perks that go along with being an adult that can financially support yourself. 
 

You can still save lots of money that you keep in a personal bank account and have lots to show for it. Like the ability to move out and be able to afford to get your own place if the relationship doesn’t work out. 
 

He’s not your daddy. Why do you expect to live with him rent free???

 

 

[nittygritty]

9 minutes ago, Poppy93 said:

I did. No it didn’t violate my codes because it was a short term thing whilst we saved up for a house. Plus it was board for utilities which I don’t expect for free.

It’s not that I do not want to contribute- I want to contribute into something we both get something out of. Read the thread before jumping the gun and making it out to be something it’s not. 

Do you still have the money that you personally earned and saved to contribute to the cost of buying a house?  Or are you saying you gave it to him?

[Poppy93]

34 minutes ago, nittygritty said:

Do you still have the money that you personally earned and saved to contribute to the cost of buying a house?  Or are you saying you gave it to him?

Didn’t have time to save before his parents offered the deposit.

[Poppy93]

44 minutes ago, nittygritty said:

It is a lot less money than you would likely be paying to live independently of your parents. When you factor in interest on his mortgage loan and the number of years it will take to pay it off, it is nothing. Especially considering there will be expensive home maintenance costs like plumbing and heat and air conditioning repairs that you will have contributed to the usage of but not the cost to repair. You are paying for the luxury of having a roof over your head, a bedroom to sleep in and the use of a bathroom and kitchen and all the other perks that go along with being an adult that can financially support yourself. 
 

You can still save lots of money that you keep in a personal bank account and have lots to show for it. Like the ability to move out and be able to afford to get your own place if the relationship doesn’t work out. 
 

He’s not your daddy. Why do you expect to live with him rent free???

 

 

That’s useful information. 

Because he seems to have gone off the original plan of buying together and grabbed his parents money for a house he can’t afford on his own. It’s almost assuming  that my money would cover it. Everything seems on his terms and like I’m just funding his lifestyle.  

[littleblackheart]

There may not be bad intent on his part; it's just particularly self-centered of him.

 

It's difficult to advise appropriately without getting an overview of your relationship (it's not clear how you value each other - it seems the living arrangements have taken centre stage), but if the resentment is building with no clear pathway to resolve it together, it seems moving out is the best option.

Edited March 26, 2020 by littleblackheart

[nittygritty]

57 minutes ago, Poppy93 said:

That’s useful information. 

Because he seems to have gone off the original plan of buying together and grabbed his parents money for a house he can’t afford on his own. It’s almost assuming  that my money would cover it. Everything seems on his terms and like I’m just funding his lifestyle.  

Then be thankful that your name isn’t on the mortgage. You can just end the relationship, move out and walk away with no legal financial obligation. 

[Azincourt]

What did I tell you?

To not get yourself legally entangled with this guy.

He's 25 years old. That's way too young for a middle-class man to own a house, and it seems he's down for some shady stuff.

Like I've told you before. Focus on your career. Make money. Lots of money. Save up, put the downpayment on a house. Make sure the house is only going to increase in value over the years(good neighbhood, good location, near high schools, near the hospital etc) and never ever bind your finances with a man's, that goes for common-law marriage.  Marriage is a scam that was created by the govt. to steal money from men and women.

Love's a beautiful thing, but there's nothing more  beautiful than having a roof over your head, and actually owning that roof.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Azincourt

[Poppy93]

14 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

There may not be bad intent on his part; it's just particularly self-centered of him.

 

It's difficult to advise appropriately without getting an overview of your relationship (it's not clear how you value each other - it seems the living arrangements have taken centre stage), but if the resentment is building with no clear pathway to resolve it together, it seems moving out is the best option.

You’re right, it is difficult to advise with knowing only one part of our relationship.

There have been other things that have made me cautious with him and that’s why I think I’m pushing for him to show some commitment. I should be taking a step back and thinking whether that’s what I really want!

Thanks for your comment.

[S2B]

What other things have made you cautious?

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

From what I am understanding, you wanted to buy a house together, but you had no time to save money before he used his parents money to buy the house?

Let me share a little secret with you: Houses are garbage; they require constant upkeep, they are a constant drain due to property taxes... Most houses are as expensive as they are, because they come with the land they reside on.

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here and say that you wanted to have your name on the house while his parents chipped in on it... I think that was your plan and i dont blame you for it, its a good plan... For you.

If his parents were rolling in money, im sure they would have no problem with you having your name on the house while they paid, but clearly, they wanted their son to own that house himself and this speaks to the way that they feel about you, whether you want to admit it or not.

You say that your not after him for the house? Why don't you recognize the insane deal of $300 a month to live in one then!? Do you understand if you went in together you'd be splitting the mortgage? If $300 is a problem, if saving money is a problem, how on earth would you pay the mortgage? 

This is very clearly an ego thing, it couldnt possibly be anything else because the rent hes charging you is beyond reasonable... Like hes losing money charging you that amount of rent and yet..

On 3/26/2020 at 11:37 AM, Poppy93 said:

That’s useful information. 

Because he seems to have gone off the original plan of buying together and grabbed his parents money for a house he can’t afford on his own. It’s almost assuming  that my money would cover it. Everything seems on his terms and like I’m just funding his lifestyle.  

You resent him for it... Hes losing money on his house to accommodate you and you resent him for it?! 

Give your head a shake.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/26/2020 at 6:50 AM, Poppy93 said:

It’s not about paying a small amount of rent short term with future goals- it’s the principle of paying this long term and putting a huge chunk of money into paying off his mortgage and having nothing to show for it.

 

This is absent-minded at best.  As a tennant, you have zero say in just where your 300 a month goes  once you pay it.  What you receive in exchange for that rent, is the right to live there for one month.

 

If you came here to LS complaining that he was spending your 300 a month on working girls or IV drug use, then your position might have merit, but even then it would have zero to do with your effort at trying to get away without putting out the 300 a month.

 

At the end of the day, this man independently purchased a house  (meaning, only,  independent of you).    You have in one way or another been offered the chance to live there for a rent of 300 a month.  Whether you accept that offer or not is entirely your choice.

If you want to opt out, and find a spot down the road... it might rent for 450... or it might rent for 275.  Those, too, are your choices.

Whether you wish to date him, or not, is still another choice you have.

His parents clearly taught him their way of thinking. 

 

And your position in this is akin to, say, you attempting to get his parents  to help YOU by their cosigning on a loan for your car.

Those parents are protecting their child... as well as their own considerable investment in the purchase of that house.

 

IF we here could see the WHOLE financial layout of the financing of that house, I'm guessing that we'd find HIS parents more invested  in the large picture than you've led us to believe/understand. (or that you are even aware yourself)  With that said, it would be absurd for them to let you lay claim to half of the purchase.

 

I never go to Loveshack to complain about just what my bank or landlord is doing with my monthly payment, and you shouldn't either.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/26/2020 at 10:37 AM, Poppy93 said:

Everything seems on his terms and like I’m just funding his lifestyle.  

 

Again...  walk down the street and rent for  450 a month...  (or 260, if you can get it) and then see how far you get when questioning just where they re-purpose the funds you submit as your rent.

[smackie9]

I can't see how you are "Funding" his lifestyle, when you are paying minimal rent, and the rest is going into YOUR pocket. He's giving you a break because you would be paying a hell of a lot more else where. Like I said before take this opportunity to sock away your savings. Unless there's a ring on your finger, it wouldn't be in your best interest to intertwine your fiances or ownership of anything. Do not have joints accounts or share a credit card, nothing. Remember he is just your BF. Talk of having a future together is just talk and should never be taken as a promise. If this dynamic isn't suitable for you then simply just end it and start fresh with someone else that meets your expectations.

Edited April 7, 2020 by smackie9

[Pumaza]

if you are not married you shouldnt do stuff like this. and sure not if its not on your name. Where is he staying while you paying rent?. He not serious about you and using you for your rent money. Move out and start asking yourself if this is the life you want. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, Pumaza said:

if you are not married you shouldnt do stuff like this. and sure not if its not on your name. Where is he staying while you paying rent?. He not serious about you and using you for your rent money. Move out and start asking yourself if this is the life you want. 

 

That makes no sense.  

If she had answered an ad that said:       "Roommate wanted:   $300 a month"

 

She would be in this exact spot.

Above and beyond the "roommate" status for that $300 per month, she would be free to "date" the homeowner if she wished.

 

This woman is all about free-loading.   Perhaps it is the homeowner who would do best for himself to kick her to the curb and find someone who wants to rent a room in his house.

 

 

[Shining One]

If I were the guy who just bought a house in this situation and my girlfriend wanted to move in and have her name added to the house, I would agree if she provided half of what I put down on the house and agreed to half the mortgage payments. If you want to be half-owner, you have to be half-investor.

[smackie9]

Like I said, she's gonna benefit from this whether they breakup or get married. Obviously he's not ready for engagement/marriage. It's gonna be a few years, so why jump right into it at this stage of the game.

[d0nnivain]

On 3/25/2020 at 5:02 AM, Poppy93 said:

You’re right.

I agree. But I’m the one taking the gamble if I was to be basically helping him pay off his mortgage indefinitely with no commitment from him. He isn’t taking any gamble by getting a joint mortgage with me one day which would create more equality between us. 

Sometime I think it's easier to get out of a marriage then a mortgage.  

You said you don't want to marry but you were hoping for more of a commitment from him.  You thought this house you were supposedly buying together was that commitment. Then he bought it without you. His unexpected pivot is really what you are upset about. 

 

On 3/27/2020 at 4:34 AM, Poppy93 said:

There have been other things that have made me cautious with him and that’s why I think I’m pushing for him to show some commitment. I should be taking a step back and thinking whether that’s what I really want!

See above.  You were hoping this house was an outward manifestation of how much he is committed to you.  Now it's a symbol of his independence from you & that has you understandably upset & disappointed.  Neither the concept of rent toward his mortgage or the trivial amount is the real issue.  

Now you have to do some deep soul searching to decide whether you want to stay or if this insult was a bridge too far.  

[stillafool]

Billiant dOnnivain, that is exactly why OP is so upset about this.  OP if you are using this as a way for him to show some commitment it's not going to work.  He has to willingly show you commitment, it can't be forced.

On 3/27/2020 at 4:34 AM, Poppy93 said:

I think I’m pushing for him to show some commitment.

 

[littleblackheart]

18 hours ago, Shining One said:

If I were the guy who just bought a house in this situation and my girlfriend wanted to move in and have her name added to the house, I would agree if she provided half of what I put down on the house and agreed to half the mortgage payments. If you want to be half-owner, you have to be half-investor.

Except that's not what's happen. She wanted for them to buy a house together. He short-cut their plan, that they agreed on together as a couple, and bought a house 'on his own' (with his parents' deposit) without even giving her the courtesy of a warning because he (just him) was ready to move out.

He made a good investment call for him, but forgot to include his gf of 3 years in his plan. Nothing to do with putting her name on the deed; rather, because didn't tell her their plan had changed. It looks like she still wanted the relationship to work despite being sidelined, because she moved in with him, therefore allowing him to afford a mortgage he can't pay on his paycheck alone.

They don't plan to marry, so buying a house together would have been the next best thing as far as commitment. That's what they had agreed to do. It's now not happening. He acted like a single guy, not like a partner. It may not have been calculated on his part, but he's not left room for a partnership in the way OP sees it.

I don't see bad intent on either side, but I do see incompatibility.

Edited April 8, 2020 by littleblackheart

[preraph]

We have no idea that he can't afford the mortgage on his own, for starters.  I assume he can.  He can certainly get a roommate and charge them more if he can't.  

 

She didn't have the money to invest.  She already said she "hadn't had time" to save it.  So IMO, that was never going to happen.  

[littleblackheart]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

We have no idea that he can't afford the mortgage on his own, for starters.  

Yes, we do know.

 

On 3/24/2020 at 11:05 AM, Poppy93 said:

I put this forward to him by suggesting we sell up after he's finished his apprenticeship (in 2 years) and buy a house together with a joint mortage. 
  (Snip snip)

The real kicker is that he has overstretched himself and got a mortage on a house that was above his original budget and he can't afford without me (although I had no minimal input in choosing the house)

He bought a house he couldn't afford and is counting on his gf to supplement. He obviously didn't want the hassle to find a lodger at notice. He wants it his way, which is fine but not how a partnership works.

[stillafool]

But she did say he has more money saved than her and that his wealthy parents were there to help him if he needed.  I imagine his parents helped convince him to buy the house alone as it's not good to get tangled up in that type of financial situation with someone you aren't married to.  I agree with that. 

[littleblackheart]

OP said he doesn't want to get married, though. Buying a house together was their common plan as a couple, not him using his parents' wealth. He acted like a single, non-committed guy. Which is fine, except he's not single. The least he could have done is telling her, if only as a courtesy. Regardless, they don't seem to have the same definition of commitment, which doesn't inspire confidence for the future of the relationship, imo.

[preraph]

I think he'll do just fine living in that house either alone or with a roommate.