Boyfriend bought a house and wants me to pay 'rent'

[preraph]

Then I don't understand how you can think this isn't reasonable.  You're not married.  No one with any sense shares property or money without being married.  And if you owned half, you'd be paying WAY more each month anyway.  So yeah, maybe go home and live with the parents, get two jobs and save up money to buy your own house.  What you're paying a month is roughly what I pay just in property taxes and insurance each month alone, never mind the mortgage payments.  

 

He can always get a roommate and charge them a lot more money.

Edited March 24, 2020 by preraph

[Azincourt]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Then I don't understand how you can think this isn't reasonable.  You're not married.  No one with any sense shares property or money without being married.  And if you owned half, you'd be paying WAY more each month anyway.  So yeah, maybe go home and live with the parents, get two jobs and save up money to buy your own house.  What you're paying a month is roughly what I pay just in property taxes and insurance each month alone, never mind the mortgage payments.  

 

He can always get a roommate and charge them a lot more money.

Yeah, and depending of where she is located, the amount of cash she'd pay a month to live with her boyfriend, if this was supposed to be 50/50 would increase to a number far above $300 a month. Then what? What if the relationship doesn't work out?

What about property taxes? They cost thousands  and thousands of dollars, and it's not like you pay them one time and you can live in the same house for the next 50 years without having to pay them again. And again. And again. Every year, until you die or sell the house. And then you buy a new house and repeat the process.

She's going to hire a lawyer who'll charge hundreds and hundreds, thousands of dollars, running the risk of losing the money on the lawyer and not getting what she wants, what she's entitled to?

Nothing wrong with living with your parents in your 20s and even 30s, if your parents will have you. Work a job, work two, save as much money as you can and then you'll be in a much better financial position than the one most of the people who got out of their parents house at the age of 18 are, even if you buy a house on your own.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

6 hours ago, Azincourt said:

 

But at 25 years old? 26 years?

Nah, nah. That's way too young.

 

I was 23 and my exH was 21 when we got married, just after buying our first house.....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

6 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

 

Just wanted to make it clear than I'm not expecting a free-ride, I'd always pay my share of the bills. I'm also okay paying him rent in the understanding that it would not be in my best interest to do this forever if I could be saving for my own place if he doesn't see a future with me. I could move back in with my parents, save myself the heartache of dragging on a relationship where we both have different goals and save money for a house deposit of my own more quickly. And I don't see that as "free-loading"- it's difficult now to save up when you're younger and his parents were kind enough to give us the chance to save up rather than waste money on rent. We don't want to get married. Overall it's not just about money, it's about the commitment to share a mortage and grow something together.  

I understand where some people on here are coming from, it's not a massive rent payment to not be able to save alongside it and I do. 
 

Thanks for everybody's insight.

Your bigger issue is your insecurity about the longevity of this union, not the money.  But you already know that :).  I understand where you're coming from but it does not excuse you from paying "rent....."  

 

Lots of things in life are a gamble.

Edited March 25, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

Just wanted to make it clear than I'm not expecting a free-ride, I'd always pay my share of the bills. I'm also okay paying him rent in the understanding that it would not be in my best interest to do this forever if I could be saving for my own place if he doesn't see a future with me. I could move back in with my parents, save myself the heartache of dragging on a relationship where we both have different goals and save money for a house deposit of my own more quickly. 

I don't know how so many people have missed this.  You started out looking for somewhere to buy with him, but then he's gone and done it alone and says he can't see ever sharing a house with you.  He was selling a future to you which he has no desire to give.

Time to end it and move back home.  

[basil67]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I was 23 and my exH was 21 when we got married, just after buying our first house.....

I was 20 and my exH was 24 when we bought a house.  The marriage didn't last but the market took off,  he bought me out, and I made a tidy profit.

Edited March 25, 2020 by basil67

[MsJayne]

You're both mid 20's, you've been together three years.....and he's planning his financial future without you in it.  He wants to live together, wants you to contribute financially, but doesn't want to share the investment with you.  If you weren't interested in sharing the investment it wouldn't be an issue, but why should you stagnate while he's building his property portfolio?  I'd find somewhere else to live and be done with it, and let him find out what it's like having to have a boarder in. While you're there, his partner, it's all very cosy and easy for him - he's got a boarder paying rent but he doesn't have to  put up with any of the crap that boarders usually bring, (late with rent, late will bill money, eat your food, invite their weird friends around for parties, etc, etc, and then leave owing you money which you never get back) - he needs a reality check and you need to find someone who wants to share & build the future with you instead of using you to help feather his nest.  

Edited March 25, 2020 by MsJayne
Error

[Poppy93]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You're both mid 20's, you've been together three years.....and he's planning his financial future without you in it.  He wants to live together, wants you to contribute financially, but doesn't want to share the investment with you.  If you weren't interested in sharing the investment it wouldn't be an issue, but why should you stagnate while he's building his property portfolio?  I'd find somewhere else to live and be done with it, and let him find out what it's like having to have a boarder in. While you're there, his partner, it's all very cosy and easy for him - he's got a boarder paying rent but he doesn't have to  put up with any of the crap that boarders usually bring, (late with rent, late will bill money, eat your food, invite their weird friends around for parties, etc, etc, and then leave owing you money which you never get back) - he needs a reality check and you need to find someone who wants to share & build the future with you instead of using you to help feather his nest.  

That’s exactly how I feel.. ‘taken along for the ride’. 

Thank you for hearing me.

[Poppy93]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't know how so many people have missed this.  You started out looking for somewhere to buy with him, but then he's gone and done it alone and says he can't see ever sharing a house with you.  He was selling a future to you which he has no desire to give.

Time to end it and move back home.  

Thank you

[Poppy93]

7 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Your bigger issue is your insecurity about the longevity of this union, not the money.  But you already know that :).  I understand where you're coming from but it does not excuse you from paying "rent....."  

 

Lots of things in life are a gamble.

You’re right.

I agree. But I’m the one taking the gamble if I was to be basically helping him pay off his mortgage indefinitely with no commitment from him. He isn’t taking any gamble by getting a joint mortgage with me one day which would create more equality between us. 

 

 

[Poppy93]

19 hours ago, Azincourt said:

You are not married to him, so why exactly are you living with him if you are that concerned about having to pay rent to live with him? 

From a legal point of view, if your relationship runs it's course and you two break-up,  since you are not married and you haven't been co-habitating with each other for a minimum of 2 years: you are not entitled to getting any money back from paying rent, nor are you entitled to any percentage of the house.

At 25 years of age, he's WAYYY too young to get himself in something as serious as co-habitation with someone other than his parents or roomates. I'm amazed that a guy that young is doing what he'd doing, to be honest.

We don’t want to get married.. then what? 

The legal explanation is exactly why I feel slightly uncomfortable with the arrangement. 

Who are you to say what that age is? Everybody’s different. It’s not really that ‘amazing’ and unordinary to buy a house at our age. 

But I’m not pushing to get a house tomorrow, I’m trying to establish whether we do have the same long term goals and whether we’re planning on working together to achieve them. If we break up on the way, that’s a risk I’m willing to take, because life happens. But I don’t want to be dragged along for the ride with a man who clearly sees no future with me and I’m a casual relationship/ convenient lodger. 

Edited March 25, 2020 by Poppy93

[Poppy93]

17 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

Ugh, he’s never going to marry you.  

People regardless of gender want someone who is easy to be with.

We don’t want to get married.

Well relationships aren’t always easy and I’m not setting out to keep my mouth closed and be the perfect girlfriend in hopes he marries me one day.

You have 0 idea what I’m like daily, but I’m being ‘difficult’ because I’m questioning my own financial security. What if 5 years down the line I’m left in the lurch with nothing to show for it? It’s a real concern that I deserve a voice about. 

I’d rather be ‘difficult’ thanks.

 

[basil67]

Good for you Poppy. People who keep the peace instead of looking out for themselves get trampled on and abused.   And I promise you, people who tolerate being treated badly and don’t make a fuss get blamed for not standing up for themselves. 

[Poppy93]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Good for you Poppy. People who keep the peace instead of looking out for themselves get trampled on and abused.   And I promise you, people who tolerate being treated badly and don’t make a fuss get blamed for not standing up for themselves. 

Thank you Basil, I appreciate your comments. 

[Azincourt]

2 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

We don’t want to get married.. then what? 

Focus on yourself and on your career. People are fickle. They love you today, and tomorrow they forget all about you. Then all of the money you've invested in your relationship will vanish just like that.

Quote

The legal explanation is exactly why I feel slightly uncomfortable with the arrangement. 

And you should feel uncomfortable. As soon as people start living together or get married, everything turns so complicated and the relationship stops being fun, and it's even worse if she/he has archaic jewish/christian stone-age values and believes a relationship should be monogamous, instead of opening It.

The relationship grows stale and boring and suddenly you find yourself wondering if you are happy the way you are, then comes the drama and suddenly she or he is entitled to 50% of everything that you own because of some mentally ill marriage law created thousands of years ago by cavemen.

 

Quote

Who are you to say what that age is? Everybody’s different. It’s not really that ‘amazing’ and unordinary to buy a house at our age. 

The age people should start considering marriage/co-habitation, if at all? late 30s, early 40s.

That gives people more than enough time to get to know themselves(the human brain only stops maturing at the age of 25), to know what they truly want,  instead of doing what society expects of them.  They can travel the world, meet exciting new cultures, immerse themselves in the world that exists below, above, and around you.

Oh, I know. I bought my first house at the age of 18. But my family can afford that. How many people in their mid 20s are there struggling just to get a downpayment, let alone paying the mortgage on the monthly? renovations? property tax?  I know, there are folks who make good money in their mid 20s, but the economy goes up and down as often as the President replaces his wife for a younger model - do you really want to find yourself with the financial obligation of having to pay a mortgage?

 

Quote

But I’m not pushing to get a house tomorrow, I’m trying to establish whether we do have the same long term goals and whether we’re planning on working together to achieve them. If we break up on the way, that’s a risk I’m willing to take, because life happens. But I don’t want to be dragged along for the ride with a man who clearly sees no future with me and I’m a casual relationship/ convenient lodger. 

He's what, 25 years old? He's wayyyyy too young to settle down, trust me. I'm an old man, he's going to go through many life stages before he's ready to ''settle'' down, and even then there's no guarantee that he'll stay settled down.

  He's lived with his parents for all of his life, he goes from having a mother to having a home-wife just like that? And you're also way too young to shackle yourself up with a guy.

Live on your own if you can afford it, or go back to your folks home. Save up as much money as possible, then buy your own home. If you ever decide to get married or to be legally bound to someone, which is what common-law marriage is, hire the best lawyer money can rent, and have the guy make it so that your future husband will never be able of laying a finger on your money or on your house.

You don't want to end up 45 without a house and little money, like I've seen happen to the older men and women that I was fortunate to come across in my life, and to learn from.

That said, there are happy marriages and common-law marriages. My folks have been happily married for 40 years.

But just because there's life on planet earth doesn't mean there's life in any place out there in the universe, you know what I'm saying?

Edited March 25, 2020 by Azincourt

[Poppy93]

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

As soon as people start living together or get married, everything turns so complicated and the relationship stops being fun, and it's even worse if she/he has archaic jewish/christian stone-age values and believes a relationship should be monogamous, instead of opening It.

It's you who has a minority view in believing relationships should be open and cohabitation should be late 30's/early 40's. On average, women get married at 31. It's also important to me to have children and you don't get to say that I wait until that almost 40 before I try.

Why such a negative attitude towards some kind of commitment? Serious couples I hope still have some enjoyment in their relationships..  
 

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

That gives people more than enough time to get to know themselves(the human brain only stops maturing at the age of 25), to know what they truly want,  instead of doing what society expects of them.  They can travel the world, meet exciting new cultures, immerse themselves in the world that exists below, above, and around you.

We could do that together and build memories. I won't be made out to be a ball and chain that's shackling my boyfriend from his freedom rather than a partner he wants to do these things with! If he doesn't share the same vision of a future, he has every right to be single. I also have every right to find a man who wants a committed relationship instead of wasting my entire 20’s on an incompatible relationship- especially considering I want children. 

Edited March 25, 2020 by Poppy93

[amaysngrace]

4 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

Well relationships aren’t always easy and I’m not setting out to keep my mouth closed and be the perfect girlfriend in hopes he marries me one day.

I’d rather be ‘difficult’ thanks.

 

What?  You said you told him you want more commitment.  So yes, that equates to getting engaged since you’re already living together and sleeping together.

Also, you’d be left with nothing if all you ever do is rent.  Maybe I’m wrong there, did I miss the part where you say you own property?  

If I did, apologies. 

Regardless, if you don’t plan to get married then owning property together is pretty stupid.  When you break up it’ll be like you are getting divorced with having to split the house.  

Anyway, I don’t blame him for wanting to keep the break-up as easy as possible.  You’ve lived with his parents and he has their blessing in this decision.  That’s pretty telling.

[Poppy93]

58 minutes ago, amaysngrace said:

What?  You said you told him you want more commitment.  So yes, that equates to getting engaged since you’re already living together and sleeping together.

Also, you’d be left with nothing if all you ever do is rent.  Maybe I’m wrong there, did I miss the part where you say you own property?  

If I did, apologies. 

Regardless, if you don’t plan to get married then owning property together is pretty stupid.  When you break up it’ll be like you are getting divorced with having to split the house.  

Anyway, I don’t blame him for wanting to keep the break-up as easy as possible.  You’ve lived with his parents and he has their blessing in this decision.  That’s pretty telling.

Not necessarily. But considering he doesn’t want to get married and i’ve never been fussed, I would like a commitment in another way. 

His parents have the same set up. His dad has his name on the mortgage and when his mum tried to leave with my boyfriend and his sister when they were younger they had nothing and returned. His dad wouldn’t even let them stay in a buy to let property they owned and was available. His dad is ruthlessly business minded and it’s passed onto my boyfriend. So I can see why they have no hesitations. But I do. 

[amaysngrace]

Then you need to stress your concerns to him Poppy and use his mum’s situation as an example on how wrong it is.

He will see it from that view or he won’t which will give you the chance to see his true colors either way.

Have you brought up the situation in the way he was raised at all with him? 

[Poppy93]

1 hour ago, amaysngrace said:

Then you need to stress your concerns to him Poppy and use his mum’s situation as an example on how wrong it is.

He will see it from that view or he won’t which will give you the chance to see his true colors either way.

Have you brought up the situation in the way he was raised at all with him? 

I have before and he has said straight-up that his mum is happy with the lifestyle his dad is providing and she wouldn’t have stayed otherwise. He had rationalised it in the past by saying she could have got a job if she wanted- obviously more complicated than that with children.  

I don’t know, the situation has just left a sour taste in my mouth and I feel like either a liability to him or a lodger who’s good enough to pay off his mortgage and it’s hurtful.

thanks for your comment.

[amaysngrace]

I don’t understand him.  He knows his mum wanted to leave at one point but was unable to.  

I’m not sure how he justifies that into her being happy with life.  

Raising children alone while working to provide a home for them isn’t some superior option to being stuck in a marriage you would rather not be in and vice versa. 

Hang in there Poppy and just keep your eyes open.  I’m sorry if I came off as being snippy earlier, I understand how you feel more clearly now and appreciate where you’re coming from.

It stinks when you aren’t feeling valued. 

[Ruby Slippers]

On 3/24/2020 at 6:05 AM, Poppy93 said:

He even says "it's boring to plan everything out" but it's becoming hurtful to me that he is so inconsiderate of my security. 

His mentality is ass backwards. He's basically saying only his concerns matter. It's SMART to plan out your financial future, starting from a young age. No self-respecting woman will go along with his selfish plan.

I agree with your idea to move out and stay with your parents or a roommate so you can save up for your own down payment and start building your own financial foundation. That's exactly what I would do.

[preraph]

Even if you had your name on the mortgage and then that situation happened where you tried to leave and get half the house, you would still not get half the house unless you could prove you had been paying for half the house!  You would need a clear paper trail , receipts, that you put the same $$ into the home as he did in order to get half -- unless you are married -- again, why you shouldn't mix money if you're not married!!  

 

And it doesn't sound like you can afford to pay for half of that house, if $300 is too much for you.  So get real here.  You want things to be a way they can't be that make any financial sense for him because homes cost more than you're willing to invest or can afford to, not sure which.  If you lived with parents before, did you take that opportunity to put your money into a savings account?  

[basil67]

Poppy, just a heads up that all advice regarding money when separating as defacto isn't necessarily true in all states and countries.  Please view it as something to consider rather than as being fact for where you are.  

Also, for what it's worth, my partner and I are nearly 30 years defacto with two kids and a mortgage.  For those who say that marriage is important as part of commitment, I respond that we've outlasted many marriages I've seen.    I stay at home caring for our disabled child and partner supports our family.  All of our money is mixed and has been since early on.   Not saying that you should necessarily do as I do, but that rules are made to be broken (with caution)

[Poppy93]

4 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

I don’t understand him.  He knows his mum wanted to leave at one point but was unable to.  

I’m not sure how he justifies that into her being happy with life.  

Raising children alone while working to provide a home for them isn’t some superior option to being stuck in a marriage you would rather not be in and vice versa. 

Hang in there Poppy and just keep your eyes open.  I’m sorry if I came off as being snippy earlier, I understand how you feel more clearly now and appreciate where you’re coming from.

It stinks when you aren’t feeling valued. 

Don’t even worry about it- it’s a tedious, draining issue! I annoy myself haha.

thanks for your apology and insight. I appreciate it.