Will87 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) Hi new to this, my girlfriend left me a few weeks ago for very vague reasons (blamed it all on me). We have bought a house together and lived together for a year. I gave her space etc to think but things started becoming more clear and immediately had my suspicions on day one. The day we broke up we had sex (was awful) and could tell something was up. That evening she split up with me. We had been together for 5 years and fully committed, both our fathers have recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I work away for a couple of weeks and had to leave the day of her fathers diagnosis (offered to stay). We where about go on a trip to to re kindle our relationship. to cut a long story short my ex had been cheating with me with her boss (apparently going through a separation with his wife and two kids). This has been a very bitter pill to swallow. Any advice on coping would be really appreciated. I now have the house and the dog, seems like she’s gained a lot of baggage and an older man she works with. Thanks Edited March 25, 2020 by Will87 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 The only advice I have is to let her go and don't look back. She has proven that she is untrustworthy and a social climber. Be thankful she was only a gf and not your wife. She has shown you her character so you have been warned. The only way her affair will stop is if her Boss stops it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 Yes was very shocked to be honest after 5 years. Hes obviously been a shoulder to cry on for her when i’ve been away. The lies and manipulation have killed me. I unfortunately had to tell his wife, feel sorry for her but his moral and ethical compass are way off. She was very vulnerable 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Sorry to hear that man. One the greatest mistake we all do it assuming our partner would never leave. You have your answers now. Nothing much to tell you, its tuff to face it and but it's the truth. The way out of this misery is keeping away from your ex as if shes having Coronavirus. Before that sort your share in that house you brought together and move on. A piece of advice from my personal experience dont waste your time in questioning yourself or analyzing her new relationship that will it last or she will come crawling back or she had his shoulder to cry on when you were away.. dude these questions won't let you move on. 5 years is a long time. You have a whole lot of homework to do, hell lot of feelings to deal with. Just keep in mind it's all about you know not her anymore. Take care of your father make him your priority. You'll meet a lot of girls in future. It's a hard time for you, be sure good ones gonna come up soon. Good luck mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 Mate it’s broken me, things where not even that bad. The lies and gaslighting for weeks almost drove me over the edge. I could never do what she did to another person, we’ve known each other since we where kids. Same circle of friends etc, even they are blow a way. also good mates with her brother he said he’s embarrassed for her. Shes been so stupid to do what she’s done feel like shaking her lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) My advice is obviously no contact and self focus. Post here whenever you need to. Also watch mouth of the ape on youtube. He went through a brutal breakup and started his channel as a way of letting it all out. Lots of videos and great advice. I guess you can only do limited contact right now because you have to sell the house, is that right? Edited March 25, 2020 by Supernova11 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 You need to see a family lawyer ASAP regarding the house. Being unmarried is definitely a blessing in most aspects but regarding the house ownership, it could be a blessing or a curse depending where you live and many other factors. See a family lawyer sooner rather than later to find out where you stand. Many will do a free initial consult. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Yes, do see a family law attorney to decide what to do about the house and you'll have to arrange joint custody. It's best not to rely on the other party to just cooperate and it's best to get rules laid out, including child support if necessary, and the custody arrangements, by a judge. Sorry this happened to you. There's some silly people in the world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) Thanks for the advice, I had the solicitor email me today. House will be mine tomorrow, so that’s some positive news. Definitley no contact, I do get the urge but starting to realise she’s a different person. She only cake clean because i had too much evidence. I also found her trinket box of me and some clothes, posted them to her today. Sucks Edited March 25, 2020 by Will87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 This type stuff is just so inexplicable sometimes. Hits you like a ton of bricks. It's just hard to fathom the person you were closest to would do anything to hurt you, but it happens every day to people. Some people just don't have it in them to be ethical and empathetic how they go about things. I mean, there's ways to leave a person that are less hurtful than betrayal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Will87 said: Thanks for the advice, I had the solicitor email me today. House will be mine tomorrow, so that’s some positive news. Definitley no contact, I do get the urge but starting to realise she’s a different person. She only cake clean because i had too much evidence. I also found her trinket box of me and some clothes, posted them to her today. Sucks I’m glad about the house, that is really good news. You sound like a reasonable and rational person so a lot of the stuff I’m about to say might be telling you to suck eggs but I’ll say it anyway 🙂 You probably will need her phone number for a while to finalise things with the house. If that is the case, it might help to take the number out of your phone and write it on a bit of paper and then put it in an envelope. Sounds strange but just that extra barrier can really stop the urge to make contact. It also helps not seeing her number in your phone. If you don’t need her number for sure then block and delete. If you use any social media, then block her. You could even take it one step further and get rid of your social media altogether. Then this will remove the temptation to unblock. I deleted my social media account (only had Facebook) in 2010 and I swear that my happiness levels are so much higher as a result, it affects a lot of things, not just helping getting over your ex. Of course, I totally understand in this day and age why you wouldn’t want to do this so at least block her. You then need to get onto the 2nd part of getting over your ex which is self focus. Think about the things that bring you happiness in life, your goals and passions. Its great that you have a dog. Pets are a real source of comfort and friendship and dogs are great because they get you out of the house for their walk! At first, all of this is going to be really hard because you will be distraught from the break up. A break up is painful because your body is awash with chemicals like adrenaline, dopamine and norepinephrine flooding your system. They cause you to obsess about your partner. Your reptilian brain isn’t rational and will keep crying out to be with your ex. This is why you have to go no contact. You can’t rationalise these strong feelings away. You have to take away the cause and the chemical imbalance will calm down. You have to stop adding fuel to the fire and it will eventually burn out. You have to take the heroin away from the junkie and eventually their cravings will stop 🙂 Your recovery will not be linear. There will be times when you think you are doing well and then your grief will over take you like a massive tsunami wave. At this point, don’t fight it, just let the enormous wave crash right over you but know that unlike a real tsunami, at the end of it you will still be standing. Something practical that might help you as well is posting on other peoples issues on this site. I started doing it because by helping others, you actually end up helping yourself and processing the breakup. Edited March 25, 2020 by Supernova11 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 OP, I'm sorry for your pain and the heartbreak. While not 5 years and not living together, I'm 7 months removed from the "heartbreak" of my life. All I can offer is - don't run from the emotions - let them teach you, let them make you feel comfortable with the darkness as once you are - it frees you to be who you are and follow what you want without fear and no one can emotionally use threats against you again. You cannot control what other people do/say/feel. In the end, for whatever reason, she was incapable of opening up to you and sharing whatever was bothering her with you. That lead to her emotionally cheating on you before the physical cheating started. And while it seems like most people are supportive of you, I wouldn't put much credence in what anyone else says. Find 2-3 neutral friends/family members - people who know you fully, who you can be vulnerable with, and who want nothing but the best for you - and let them be the ones you go to to vent, cry, find support. While it's painful and devastating - know that it was completely on her. Not that you're perfect and don't have things to fix or improve about yourself - but if someone doesn't give you the chance to know what's wrong and then have you help think of and try implementing a solution, they're emotionally unhealthy/immature and didn't value you as a partner (from an emotional level). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Just as a practical matter, if the house is halfway nice it may be a "draw" to any prospective new ladies once you're sorted out emotionally and we're past this COVID epidemic. Not every guy has a house and a potential new GF could be thinking - hmm, I could live in that. It's certainly not the only thing that matters, but believe it helps (once you're there). 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 Thanks for the solid advice above. Havent slept properly for days lucky to get 4 hours, wake at 4am and heads in overdrive. Its the last thing I think of and the first when I get up but today was one of the better days. Actually find myself worrying about her, a big mix of emotions at the moment. I can’t see her fling lasting long with his pending divorce and baggage. This will obviously have a knock on effect with her job..... stupid girl. Starting tomorrow my life’s going to start getting better with house etc, feel like hers will get worse. unfortunately because of her dads condition and the snake oil salesman she’s gone for. His wife did not know what was bling in either 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 6 hours ago, Will87 said: I could never do what she did to another person, we’ve known each other since we where kids. People change man every day. Even you were not the same few years ago. It's how it is. I know she broke you, and now you have to repair the damage. Dont let the damage bother you for long. She has proved herself not worthy, as I said above dont analyze her the outcome of her new relationship. It's not your business or problem anymore she left you for the snake oil salesman let him have her. Let her go because she didnt choosed you nothing is wrong with you. Be patient and deal with the mess slowly life will come on track. Ask anyone here anyone... broken hearts, people been left , dumped or cheated on they feel themselves again after a while. You'll get through this take care of your health because health is important. And under no circumstances be her friend clearly tell her it's over then it's over. No friends bulls***, last thing you wanna do with her is keep your self respect, walking away does create respect wish you happy days soon brother Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) That’s me awake 4 am, just had a gas bill through the door when we where living together for £250 and she should pay half was living here at the time. Not sure how to approach this, I really do not want to speak to her. Me not being able to sleep is getting me down, doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills but don’t seem to be working well. I hope this will all pass soon Edited March 26, 2020 by Will87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 7 hours ago, Will87 said: That’s me awake 4 am, just had a gas bill through the door when we where living together for £250 and she should pay half was living here at the time. Not sure how to approach this, I really do not want to speak to her. Me not being able to sleep is getting me down, doctor prescribed me some sleeping pills but don’t seem to be working well. I hope this will all pass soon In terms of the money, I think you’re wise not to call her because yeah you dont want to and it adds to the suffering. This is what I would do, take what you want from it. I would send her a text explaining you didnt want to call her because your emotions are a bit raw right now and hope she is ok but that you’ve had a bill come through for the gas and you need her to pay her half. Ask her to make an electronic transfer if that’s ok and send a photo of the bill. Definitely keep a file of any bills or instances where you need her to pay half, if you don’t want to chase her now but I would personally ask her now rather than present her with many amounts to pay later (possibly). You could waiver it because of how you’re feeling emotionally but its still £125. Thats a significant amount of money and I think from the description above of the situation, she would probably pay it without any hassle. In terms of sleep, you’ll get different view points about sleeping tablets. I personally think there can be a place for medication. Unfortunately though, depending on what you’re going through, sleeping pills don’t always zonk you out completely. I don’t know a lot about sleeping pills but I have taken two medications in the past: nytol and zopiclone. I used zopiclone many years ago and they were amazing, especially if you took two! However, I had a tough time of it last year and zopiclone didn’t help it too much. That’s when my doctor suggested nytol. I was surprised because nytol is over the counter so I didn’t expect it to help much but it did! More than the zopiclone! My doctor did explain how the two drugs work differently but it was a bit over my head. Anyway, I took the nytol in the blue packet that you get over the counter (not the green herbal ones which you can find on the shop floor). Maybe you could discuss these drugs with your doctor, I don’t know. Other things that helped with sleep last year, one of these was lavender. Some nights it helped me sleep, other nights I didn’t sleep very well but the lavender still helped me to relax so rather than lie awake agitated and ruminating, I was a bit more relaxed. I still use it because it does help me wind down for bed. You can buy these in boots: - Sleep Better - Pillow Mist - by Tisserand - Sleep Better - Massage and Body Oil - by Tisserand Honestly, don’t knock it till you try it. I spray my pillow with the pillow mist and massage the body oil into my chest and arms and it really does unwind you (or at least it does me). One last thing that again may help you sleep or may not actually help you sleep but can calm you down are relaxation tracks eg on spotify or youtube. They can help not only be relaxing you but taking your mind off your ex and onto something else. One track on spotify that I used a lot last year was called Deep Sleep Guided Meditation by PowerThoughts Meditation club. Some nights I slept, some nights it just calmed me down a bit. Wow, I’ve written an essay! Let us know how you go 👌🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 well it’s sorted I messaged her mother, which backfired and she replied. Ended up on the phone with each other, said I needed to be an adult about it and message her. I just said won’t happen again explained what will happen with final payment and hung up. Feel anxious as hell now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Be an adult? Maybe she should try that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) exactly mate, even had the cheek to ask me about buying the dog off me when she got her money for the house today. i told her in no uncertain terms and said i would get more loyalty from the dog and not to contact me again Im so f@“king angry right now Edited March 26, 2020 by Will87 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) You did right by telling the boss's wife. Remember her family will stand by her no matter what she's done to you so don't expect sympathy from them. The stress you are feeling and the trouble sleeping is normal but in time it will subside. Edited March 26, 2020 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 Been emailing back and forth this morning saying that what she did was for her and she’s got a plan etc. Hes not a bad guy etc, and that she never cheated on me. These lies and mind games are killing me inside, i can’t move 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 How did you find out she was cheating with her boss? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) has sex one morning and left me knew something was up, found birthday card off him taht was quite intimate just after we split up. been going on a while when I was away with work Cameras switched off, saying she’s going for a drink with work mates etc when I was away. Bowling etc Edited March 26, 2020 by Will87 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 My ex broke zero contact today after cheating on me, been very insensitive and emailed me about buying the dog from me. Bare in mind I only found out she cheated on me a couple of days ago. Shes only interested in herself at the moment and doesn’t give a damn about me. Since emailing back and forth i’m now having flashbacks of her having sex with her boss in the office. The wave of emotions is killing me. How do you guys cope? Link to post Share on other sites
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