preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 On 3/26/2020 at 8:54 AM, Will87 said: Been emailing back and forth this morning saying that what she did was for her and she’s got a plan etc. Hes not a bad guy etc, and that she never cheated on me. These lies and mind games are killing me inside, i can’t move Now she's trying to use you like her girlfriend to gossip with about the new guy. You're going to have to put a stop to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Tell her you're the one who was hurt and is going to need a comforting companion and she just can't have the dog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 17 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So what were the reasons she gave for the split? She said me working away was an issue, her dad is critically ill and also sex. After 5 years things can get comfortable, i’m at a loss. she made it all out to be my fault, then it became clear she was sleeping with her boss. She didn’t tell me for 5 weeks, had to catch her out and then she admitted it. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 It sucks. This is why it is so much more humane to break it off with someone and give them reasons before you have an affair and monkey branch out and then try to make it their fault. I mean, it's always a two-way street, but the one betraying still carries the main burden. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Seems to me that many cheating women, cheat as they feel a disconnect with their partner and they then find that emotional connection with another man. With you working away, her father being ill and issues with sex then she was ripe for an affair unfortunately. She's thirty, her clock will be ticking too. A married father of two may not be the best choice, but he may have been giving off a more "family" vibe than you were at the time I guess she lost the feeling that she had a future with you, that seems to be a common complaint when people split with long term partners. She monkey branched basically. She was unhappy, she found a new guy, and moved seamlessly on from you to this other guy... She was done, just a pity for you she didn't finish with you properly before finding someone else, but it it not uncommon. People in long term relationships often need someone else lined up before they have the courage to leave. Grieve heal and move on. My philosophy for getting over people is to convince myself it would never have worked and concentrate on the bad bits and forget the good bits. Plenty time in the future to remember the good bits,... when it doesn't hurt so much. When it is raw and sore I found it best to cry it out, get mad, get angry and use that energy to move on. Go NC. Cry if you need to but try not to wallow. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 16 hours ago, Sinful said: I just can't make sense of this. It’s like when you end a relationship but it devastates you because you don’t feel the way that you used to feel about them but you miss the connection you used to have so much. I lost my feelings for someone that I never thought I would lose feelings for and as a result missed the person. Maybe that helps a bit? I don’t know 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Will87 said: Thanks Supernova, i’m just at a loss at the moment. Im at the point that I think of the almost constantly, this quarentine is definitely not helping. Im trying my best but lying in our bed, in our home with our dog is killing me. To sleep with her boss is like I never knew her at all. This will take a long time for me to get over, it’s absolutely destroyed me. Today i’m going to try harder I know its hard to think like this but because she has gone and done what she’s done, it doesn’t mean that everything before the betrayal meant nothing. Stefan erdman who is an internet relationship coach gives a testimony on his channel about his breakup and that there is this tendancy to think that everything before meant nothing, but thats simply not true. I dont mean to sound glib but what are the easiest things you can pick up right now that will absorb you. Are you into gaming? Do you play a musical instrument? Do you have any space at home for physical exercise? Rather than watching anything and everything on TV, are there specific Things you want to see? Getting creative because we are in the quaratine is necessary! Ive been watching youtube music concerts. Yesterday I watched Queen in concert and it was awesome. I also play piano so there is a world of opportunity there and do yoga. Even try something new like using youtube to help you learn a language. And he’s going to be your dog now, your friend! Edited March 29, 2020 by Supernova11 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Be good to your dog. When my dog died, my other dog went off her food and grieved for 2-3 months. Your dog will miss your ex and wonder what is wrong with you, so look after and spoil him/her,. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 13 hours ago, Will87 said: i’ve thought about it, not sure if so should. i’ve told his wife Consequences are a good thing. How many others has he done this to or will do it to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 Had about 2 hours sleep, been outbursts of me crying and screaming into my pillow. Im totally lost, I just feel like calling her and saying “come home”. The dog has been good company, I just have zero motivation at the moment. She text my sister yesterday saying she was worried about me. She told her that i’m not great and heartbroken. She replied that she knows she hurt me but and I need to stop fantasising about what’s gone on. Im at a complete loss, I called a suicide helpline yesterday which really helped they where great and I laughed. This isolation is not helping me, I can’t pull myself out of the abyss at the moment. Hopefully the tablets will kick in next week, I’ve lost 6.5 KG of weight and look and feel weak. The flashbacks of them having sex is killing me :(. I hope this is normal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 Shad around 2 hours sleep, usual panic attacks, crying, screaming into a pillow. I am so close to calling her but I know it’s a bad idea 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Are you feeling well enough to take your dog out every day for his/her walk? Seriously, I’m glad you have a pet. They are wonderful company. I have a cat and nothing becomes between me and her 😸 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 Yes i’ve walked him everyday. We broke contact today and spoke via email for a few hours. She said that he’s been there for her, I said that she needs to be careful and he’s only a liferaft. All our relationship issues she stated could have been resolved, I said what we where going through was normal after 5 years, we should have spoke about them rather than her confiding in her boss and sleeping with him. Lots of things were said, to cut a king story short I said that I loved her but feel betrayed. She said when i heal we could talk again but I doubt it will happen. I feel strange today almost as if we got a lot of things off our chest and should have spoken about when we where together. I can however feel my anxiety building if talking to her today was the right thing to do. I stated about his baggage etc and the penny will drop for her about how vulnerable she has been to do what she has done due to her dads terminal illness. There is now nothing more to be said but i’m still really hurt about loosing her. What are your thoughts? All i want is a good nights sleep and get back to work to keep busy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 What exactly have you lost? A woman you cant trust? Trust me when I say, the anxiety you feel now is only a small sample of what you would feel if you were with her right now. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 43 minutes ago, Will87 said: All i want is a good nights sleep and get back to work to keep busy. Did you see my reply to one of your posts about sleeping pills. It was a bit long but basically discussed zopiclone and nytol. You could make an appointment to talk to your doctor over the phone to discuss sleeping pills because your lack of sleep will affect your mood. Are you doing any work from home or does your job mean you have to wait the coronavirus out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 I had 5 days of Zopiclone, it did help but still woke up at 4am. Im tired now but wired with my anxiety. It did feel good to say how i felt and how foolish her reasons where to sleep with her boss, all that was involved was a conversation. I said the penny will drop for her one day. I work offshore due away next week and think it’s needed to clear my head. May go to tesco and get Nytol now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 31 minutes ago, Will87 said: I had 5 days of Zopiclone, it did help but still woke up at 4am. Im tired now but wired with my anxiety. It did feel good to say how i felt and how foolish her reasons where to sleep with her boss, all that was involved was a conversation. I said the penny will drop for her one day. I work offshore due away next week and think it’s needed to clear my head. May go to tesco and get Nytol now Yeah its maybe something to discuss with your doctor but like I said in my post, years ago zopiclone worked well for me. Then more recently, my doctor told me to do nytol instead of zopiclone which surprised me but he was right. I can’t promise the same obviously but worth a go/discussing with your doctor. Also the lavender spray, really helps, doesn’t always send you off to sleep but very calming. Yes to work offshore will definitely be a good thing; it won’t be a miracle cure (obviously) but it will be good for you. It sounds like you were being rational when you spoke with her which is brilliant 🙂 I know you still feel bad but how you conduct yourself now will be something that will help you later as you will look back on it and be proud of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 I will for sure, went to the pharmacist and everything has been taken. Couodnt even get eggs in tesco, It hurts so bad mate. I still love her and talking today to her we both did some soul searching. what she did was wrong, she won’t admit that but she knows. The things she said that she wanted she will not get from her boss after his divorce and baggage. It sounds bad but I hope she regrets it and it doesn’t work out. A part of me wants for her to come crawling back, absolutely destroyed at the moment Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Will87 said: Couodnt even get eggs in tesco, It hurts so bad mate. I still love her and talking today to her we both did some soul searching. what she did was wrong, she won’t admit that but she knows. The things she said that she wanted she will not get from her boss after his divorce and baggage. It sounds bad but I hope she regrets it and it doesn’t work out. A part of me wants for her to come crawling back, absolutely destroyed at the moment You’re probably going to feel that way for a while, I know you love her. This could even go so far as to play itself out to the point where she comes back later. I’ve never personally been in that situation. The problem is, is that once the cheating is done, you can’t undo it. My mum’s friend went through a similar thing, they got together when she was 19 and then the woman had an affair in her forties. They did eventually get back together and are still together but my mum says from talking to her it’s never been the same and he is quite over protective of her now. Your emotions are going to be all over the show. They will change constantly. Right now, I really think the best thing to do is no contact. It takes the fuel away from the fire, even though its going to take a while to die down. It gives you perspective that you can’t get if you are in contact with your ex. But its going to hurt, I can’t take that away from you. Focus on yourself as much as you can, even if it is in small ways. Edited March 30, 2020 by Supernova11 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 You might feel silly doing this but if you want to be accountable to us, if that helps, you could even post a few positive things that you’ve been doing each day so that we can encourage you, that’s what this site is for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Today I plan on showering, walking the dog and excercsing. I find my self still stalking my ex, I can not control my self sabotage at the moment. I feel like she’s just forgotten about me, I’ve been left to pick up the pieces. She has a new lover and seems happy with the direction of her life. I just feel stuck in our home waiting for her to come back to me, I really need to stop this. I have a therapy session today via skype, I hope that helps. Managed 5 hours sleep, mostly broken every 2 hours waking. Plan to get Nytol today Link to post Share on other sites
Supernova11 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 4 hours ago, Will87 said: Today I plan on showering, walking the dog and excercsing. I find my self still stalking my ex, I can not control my self sabotage at the moment. I feel like she’s just forgotten about me, I’ve been left to pick up the pieces. She has a new lover and seems happy with the direction of her life. I just feel stuck in our home waiting for her to come back to me, I really need to stop this. I have a therapy session today via skype, I hope that helps. Managed 5 hours sleep, mostly broken every 2 hours waking. Plan to get Nytol today All good stuff. I hope the therapy session is good and if you’re not feeling it after a few, you can always swap to someone else. With the stalking, are you on Facebook? Have you blocked her and then find yourself unblocking her, then blocking her again etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 If you feel hurt about your girlfriend sleeping with another man, yeah, the best thing you oughta do is to distance yourself from her. Cut all contact, stop going to the places she usually hangs out for at least a few months, delete her from social media if you got that, don't listen to her friends who might be trying to get you to get with her again, and forget about dating for awhile. Heal up, hit the gym hard, get a tan, and then go back into the savage garden that the dating world is. A personal therapist wouldn't be a bad idea if you can afford one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sadlove242 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 On 3/25/2020 at 6:42 PM, Will87 said: Hi new to this, my girlfriend left me a few weeks ago for very vague reasons (blamed it all on me). We have bought a house together and lived together for a year. I gave her space etc to think but things started becoming more clear and immediately had my suspicions on day one. The day we broke up we had sex (was awful) and could tell something was up. That evening she split up with me. We had been together for 5 years and fully committed, both our fathers have recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I work away for a couple of weeks and had to leave the day of her fathers diagnosis (offered to stay). We where about go on a trip to to re kindle our relationship. to cut a long story short my ex had been cheating with me with her boss (apparently going through a separation with his wife and two kids). This has been a very bitter pill to swallow. Any advice on coping would be really appreciated. I now have the house and the dog, seems like she’s gained a lot of baggage and an older man she works with. Thanks Hi, is there any instances that comes to mind that might have pushed your girlfriend away? Say for example, you might have taken her for granted, forgot showing her you loved her even with small gestures? The small gestures adds up with time.. girls dont usually fool around except if they are the psychotic and the narcissistic type or had been taken for granted... Im sorry to hear about her cheating. Nothing anyone will say can soothe your pain. It will continue to hurt you for sometime and you’ll carry that story with you but don’t let it make you act like a victim for life. Do give yourself time. Years even to grieve and manage your emotions. You are not a robot. I am hurting too from a guy and damn this pain is real! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Will87 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Supernova11 said: All good stuff. I hope the therapy session is good and if you’re not feeling it after a few, you can always swap to someone else. With the stalking, are you on Facebook? Have you blocked her and then find yourself unblocking her, then blocking her again etc? Find myself blocking and unblocking, I made a fake account (just a blank one) to see her instagram. I know this is not normal behaviour and i’ve deleted it. Im now going no contact again, therapy in 10 mins. She said that she never felt she was the one for me after 5 years and that I didn’t grab her enough and say that I love you. These are things that could have been addressed, I asked her if she was happy a couple of months ago and she said yet. Its just excuses and defecting the blame on me, i’m not perfect no but you atleast have a conversation. Not an affair See how it goes Link to post Share on other sites
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