Breakup: Ex Caught Cheating ....

[Marc878]

Your pain shopping is a form of contact. No contact is totally up to you. All you’ll do is keep yourself in limbo longer doing this.

Why let someone with zero integrity and no love for you have control over your life?

 

[Will87]

You’re right Marc, I spoke to a therapist today and felt good to speak to someone via skype what’s happened.

Its a huge loss for me but we have 8 sessions to get through this mess.

I would like to address the problems she raised in the relationship to make me a better man.

In a better mood today but still doing the usual checking in on social media.

We spoke briefly about closing things off with bank etc, I told her that man likes to be in a position of power and you’ve connected because of his issues with his wife and ours.

She didn’t confide in me and saw common ground with him, probably relating to what he’s saying. Probably admired him as he’s her boss and that when it hits the fan what is she going to be left with.

She was vulnerable and he’s seen an opportunity, however takes two to tango.

Im trying to get my focus back on myself, the last week has been the most difficult I have experienced.

[Marc878]

He maybe a player but this is all on her. He wouldn’t have been a problem if she hadn’t let him in. 
 

No marriage is perfect. She’s not perfect either. Did her imperfections cause you to cheat?
 

See the difference?

Edited March 31, 2020 by Marc878

[preraph]

Going back to work will help you some.  Distract you.  Give your body a workout to alleviate some stress.  

[Supernova11]

17 hours ago, Will87 said:

Find myself blocking and unblocking, I made a fake account (just a blank one) to see her instagram.

I know this is not normal behaviour and i’ve deleted it.

I just wanted to say I reckon this is actually more common than you think. I don’t do social media and my last boyfriend didn’t do social media but the one before him did and I was on the cusp of creating a Facebook account to stalk him when we split up. 
 

For facebook, You could actually remove her, then you would need a friends request to get back in contact with her which is something you wouldn’t do because that would be too humiliating. Doing this might help as even when you badly wanted to stalk her, you couldn’t,

And a massive big up for deleting the false Instagram account. Like I said, you won’t be the first or the last to do this 🙂

[Supernova11]

15 hours ago, Will87 said:

You’re right Marc, I spoke to a therapist today and felt good to speak to someone via skype what’s happened.

Its a huge loss for me but we have 8 sessions to get through this mess.

I’m so glad this went well. How often are you having the sessions? Is she/he setting you any ‘homework’ to do? Hope you’ve had a think about what you want to  get out of today. I can tell you I’m working 9-5 from home, going to get out for a walk at lunch, play done piano in the evening and have a Skype session with my friend and give my cat lots of kisses! 😄

[Will87]

Thanks all, I haven’t stopped crying today, it hurts so bad.

I have been called back to work, I think it will do me some good.

 

[Will87]

The flight was cancelled back home minus the dog, had a panic attack earlier which didn’t help.

Feel like i’m back to square one, doctor had upped my medication.

Plan on an early night and a fresh start tomorrow.

I feel like I am self sabotaging myself, thinking of her almost constantly, good things, bad things, fantasies.

I just want my brain to accept this and move on, i’m getting tired of it.

[Will87]

10 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

I’m so glad this went well. How often are you having the sessions? Is she/he setting you any ‘homework’ to do? Hope you’ve had a think about what you want to  get out of today. I can tell you I’m working 9-5 from home, going to get out for a walk at lunch, play done piano in the evening and have a Skype session with my friend and give my cat lots of kisses! 😄

I have a session every week for 8 weeks, i’m finding it difficult today and working myself up.

[Highndry]

This is very typical these days. It's best to look at relationships as temporary, as sad as that may seem. Most do not last. If you're going to get into another relationship, just enjoy it day by day, knowing the end result could be the very same thing. Personally I will never live with a woman again. I am not going MGTOW, but the days of being locked down by a woman are over with. I will do whatever I want to be happy. Best of luck to you.

Edited April 2, 2020 by Highndry

[rjc149]

On 3/31/2020 at 8:58 AM, Will87 said:

I know this is not normal behaviour and i’ve deleted it.

It's perfectly normal behavior dude. Not healthy, but perfectly 100% normal. You desperately want that connection back, and stalking her social media is the only connection you have to her right now. 

Your pain is raw right now. I feel it, reading your posts. I'm sorry. 

A lot of things go unsaid in a relationship that come back to bite you in the ass when it ends. Learn what those unsaid things were, and in your next relationship, say them. 

It's never your fault for getting cheated on. But there are certain behaviors you can practice, certain character traits you can acquire, certain relationship skills you can learn and hone, that will make it less likely for a woman to cheat on you. Learn, acquire, practice, hone. Improve yourself. Work on boosting your SMV. I'm guessing that in those 5 years, you got pretty complacent and satisfied. You lost ambition. Get your ambition back. 

Sleep issues are best dealt with hard, vigorous cardiovascular exercise in the morning and long walks in the evening. A little Ambien (zolpidem) before bed should take care of the rest if you're not exhausted from the exercise. You'll need a prescription for Ambien, however. 

Give yourself time to grieve. For a few days, it's okay to cry. It's okay to drink whiskey at 3PM and eat a bag of Butterfinger minis and smoke cigarettes on the crapper while scrolling through porn on your phone. It's okay for a few days. Take those few days. Then, you embrace your new normal and you work on yourself. I'm not saying "oh just get over it, she was a cheater, she's low-quality, she'll do the same to the new guy" etc. You're hurting. But, learn to accept your new normal. 

From personal experience, sleeping with a girl who is equally or more attractive than the ex really does help. You'll be advised against that by many here. For me, it helped. It's a band-aid though, a pain killer. It's not the treatment or the cure.  

The best way to get back at her, get even, is to go NC. Walk away, and never look back. Take your power back. Trust me, she'll feel that sting of your absence. But you have to be absent. And if she reaches out to you, be indifferent. Politely, clinically indifferent. Like she meant nothing to you, like you never cared that much in the first place, you were just lashing out for a minute, but now you're over it. That is your best revenge. 

With time, this will pass. I'm not going to sugar coat, it will take a long time. Maybe a year or more to be totally fine with it. But a year goes by quickly. How did you use that time? 

[Marc878]

Bud, no contact is up to you not her.

Everytime you allow contact it just resets the clock.

cut her off.

[Will87]

I know, I won’t speak to her again.

Managed 6 hours sleep (up at 4 am) last night with two sleeping pills, that’s a record.

I can’t take them in work for obvious reasons, but can for the next two days.

I was an absolute mess yesterday, going to have a shower and some breakfast get me going.

[Will87]

Fell for the trap, she messaged me this morning saying thanks for donating for her fathers fund for treatment, she then said she misses the dog.

I showed my hand by saying i’m off to work and the dogs fine and struggling a bit.

Feel like an idiot because she A knows how I feel and B what i’m doing.

Never again 

[Supernova11]

1 hour ago, Will87 said:

Fell for the trap, she messaged me this morning saying thanks for donating for her fathers fund for treatment, she then said she misses the dog.

I showed my hand by saying i’m off to work and the dogs fine and struggling a bit.

Feel like an idiot because she A knows how I feel and B what i’m doing.

Never again 

That’s really not so bad. She reached out to you for starters, not the other way round. And you could have called her back, arranged a time for her to see the the dog, anything but you didn’t.

Admitting you missed her is not the same thing as begging her to come back, which some people would have done. I think you did ok  👍. 
 

Im glad the sessions are going to be weekly, that is really good. Even though it’s hard, hopefully the therapist will give you some things to work through, some useful tools and set you some homework.

Regardless of how you feel, every day is a step forward. I watched this Oprah programme once about 7 guys who were all/had cheated on their wives. What got me was how the wives were then brought in and trying to make excuses for their husbands but you could see the pain they were in. They needed to cut those guys loose but they couldn’t and were suffering as a result.

You maybe in pain now but in the long term you will be better cutting her loose and moving on with your life - you will always prioritise yourself after this experience and will be much stronger as a result.

 

 

 

[Will87]

8 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

That’s really not so bad. She reached out to you for starters, not the other way round. And you could have called her back, arranged a time for her to see the the dog, anything but you didn’t.

Admitting you missed her is not the same thing as begging her to come back, which some people would have done. I think you did ok  👍. 
 

Im glad the sessions are going to be weekly, that is really good. Even though it’s hard, hopefully the therapist will give you some things to work through, some useful tools and set you some homework.

Regardless of how you feel, every day is a step forward. I watched this Oprah programme once about 7 guys who were all/had cheated on their wives. What got me was how the wives were then brought in and trying to make excuses for their husbands but you could see the pain they were in. They needed to cut those guys loose but they couldn’t and were suffering as a result.

You maybe in pain now but in the long term you will be better cutting her loose and moving on with your life - you will always prioritise yourself after this experience and will be much stronger as a result.

 

 

 

You're right, we ended up on the telephone for an hour and spoke openly, I stated that im closing the door and that she cannot text me etc about the dog any more (bread crumbing).

Had got be done because I can't be living the rest of my life waiting for a text off her to ask me if the dogs okay!

She's gone

[Will87]

Finding it extremely hard today, only a few hours sleep.

I am now back at work, cannot concentrate, having the flashes of them having sex and can feel my anxiety surging through me.

I honestly do not know what to do, Hopefully I will get a good nights sleep.

There is a gym here, need to build myself again.

This is the hardest thing I have experienced in my life 

[Realitysux]

I'm challenging myself to stay offline for the entire weekend and focus on my personal life. I'm playing music on YouTube to assist me.

[Supernova11]

2 hours ago, Will87 said:

Finding it extremely hard today, only a few hours sleep.

I am now back at work, cannot concentrate, having the flashes of them having sex and can feel my anxiety surging through me.

I honestly do not know what to do, Hopefully I will get a good nights sleep.

There is a gym here, need to build myself again.

This is the hardest thing I have experienced in my life 

 

On days like this, and there will be more of them, you’re the surfer who was navigating the waves even though it was hard work and you’ve fallen off the board but you will get back on it. You’ve heard the phrase “and this too shall pass”. This day will pass and you will feel different yet again tomorrow and next week, and the week after....

Is there anything else you can do from home today that you will enjoy? Have you been out today yet? I went out round the park before lunch and it was great just to get out.  Also, today I’ve put my tunes on and am revisiting my pensions whilst getting love from the cat and am enjoying this!

listen, I still have thoughts of my ex (of only a few months, but I still see him at work) having sex with his new girlfriend. And I still have thoughts of us having sex. The thoughts have lessened but the point is, sex is usually great...in the beginning...what will happen in the longhaul, it takes more than sex for a good relationship - temporary gratification will wear off and then what?

Are you into music, do you have spotify? I have all my different playlists to motivate me and some chill out ones too...I have a speaker system in my house with music in every room, its very motivating, just some thoughts. 

 

[Realitysux]

2 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

On days like this, and there will be more of them, you’re the surfer who was navigating the waves even though it was hard work and you’ve fallen off the board but you will get back on it. You’ve heard the phrase “and this too shall pass”. This day will pass and you will feel different yet again tomorrow and next week, and the week after....

Is there anything else you can do from home today that you will enjoy? Have you been out today yet? I went out round the park before lunch and it was great just to get out.  Also, today I’ve put my tunes on and am revisiting my pensions whilst getting love from the cat and am enjoying this!

listen, I still have thoughts of my ex (of only a few months, but I still see him at work) having sex with his new girlfriend. And I still have thoughts of us having sex. The thoughts have lessened but the point is, sex is usually great...in the beginning...what will happen in the longhaul, it takes more than sex for a good relationship - temporary gratification will wear off and then what?

Are you into music, do you have spotify? I have all my different playlists to motivate me and some chill out ones too...I have a speaker system in my house with music in every room, its very motivating, just some thoughts. 

I have music going constantly. I'm just scrolling down the list and playing random songs I like listening to. It definitely keeps your mind off that kind of stuff. 

[Will87]

Thanks for replies, managed 4 hours sleep.

Again very upset but keeping a lid on it for work, plan is to hit gym hard tonight.

Have counciling Tuesday, hopefully go well

[Marc878]

Blocking is easy. Plus it’s an action you take.

itll cut out the breadcrumbs 

[Will87]

No more breadcrumbs atleast, im finding it difficult to get her out of my head mind. Hes left his wife for her as well...... good luck!

 

Battling depression at the moment but the gym is helping for sure

[Marc878]

You have nothing to gain from this. Block her. 

[Will87]

She’s blocked mate, managed to finally sleep last night around 7 hours so good news.

Hopefully an improvement, also chatting to a girl I met online.