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Breakup: Ex Caught Cheating ....


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Watch out for rebounds. Fix your picker.

Never settle. If they have red flags or aren’t working out dump them fast.

Don't waste your time.

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Supernova11
4 hours ago, Marc878 said:

 

Watch out for rebounds

 

Yeah just be careful, it could make you feel better but could also make you feel worse. You don’t need a new dependency. Just saying, not trying to rain on your fun 👍

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Hey @Will87,

I am very sorry for the pain this girl brought you.   

You see..here's the thing.  Taking responsibility for herself is accepting the reality that she is a giant piece of sh*t for what she did and because she's weak, she is choosing to deflect by blaming you instead to justify this.  When two people get together and build a relationship, they're basically handing eachother over their hearts.  They have a certain level of responsibility and accountability to it.  She has willingly and knowingly scarred you and given you an uphill battle to climb to heal from it, from her reckless act..and with it she has destroyed any potential for anything with you in the future.   Even if she comes back, you wouldn't be able to have a relationship with her. The trust is gone.  No trust equals no relationship.

This stuff doesn't happen overnight.  Whatever problems she had, began several months earlier, maybe over a year prior to this.  The reason she didn't communicate those problems to you was because she had one foot out the door and she just wasn't ready to admit that to herself.   Being you two were together for 5 years, I'm sure she was worried about being alone and whether she was making a mistake or not if she chose to end it.    An adult, at this point, would have understood that you two started your relationship together, worked on it for 5 years together, and should have ended it together.  Doesn't matter how hard it is.  That's what you do.  

The good news is this..you don't ever have to blame yourself for you two never speaking again.  You don't have to wonder if you should give her a second chance.  You don't have to feel guilty for moving on.   Give yourself full-permission to feel what you have to feel in its entirety.  Anger, sadness.  Whatever comes.  Embrace it and let it flow freely. Its the only way you can work through your emotions, sort them out, and begin to feel okay again.  You're going to ruminate over this for a long time and you're going to find yourself missing her and wanting to contact her again, so its very important you reinforce what she did to you in writing, so that you can read it and use it to counteract these emotions.  You can use this thread as well to remember how much pain you were in when it happened. 

Also, don't respond to her again.  Don't talk to her brother or anyone tied to her.  She's likely going to try and get updates about you from them.  Make sure she has zero access to you.  Take her off all social media.  Delete her number off the phone.  Get the pictures off of your phone as well.   Box her things and keep it someplace where you can't see it for awhile.   The last thing you need right now is to see or hear news about her from anybody or anything.   There is no reason to communicate with her again.  She has your number so if she's got anything to say, which there isn't, she can use it.

Its good you got the house.  Your dealings with her are done and you don't need to contact her ever again.  Keep the dog as well.  

Take it one day at a time

- Beach

 

 

 

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@beached thanks for your reply, it makes a lot of sense.

I know what’s needed to be done and taking everyday as it comes.

Today I’m at a low point but nothing compared to the way I was.

I believe that I had a nervous breakdown because of what’s happened, hopefully the 6 months course of SSRI will help me pull through this.

Last time we spoke was about the dog, I stated that she cannot have one foot in the door with me and not to contact me again.

She doesn’t think what she’s done is wrong  and that she’s just been selfish.

I would say more wreckless, I just hope the Karma bus runs over them both.

At the moment she’s putting on a massive front that everything is okay but I cannot worry about her anymore.

Luckily my sleep is improving but I look dreadful, sedated almost.

Plan is to hit the gym tonight and eat a healthy meal.

Shes telling everyone that she left me because of XYZ and he just happened to be there and was a new thing.

Nobody is going to believe that, she’s lying to herself 

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On 4/6/2020 at 5:39 AM, Will87 said:

She’s blocked mate, managed to finally sleep last night around 7 hours so good news.

Hopefully an improvement, also chatting to a girl I met online.

 

Maybe you shouldn't jump into a new relationship so soon? Unless you're just looking for a quick lay and this woman you're talking to is aware that you're not (hopefully) looking for a serious relationship so soon?

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10 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Maybe you shouldn't jump into a new relationship so soon? Unless you're just looking for a quick lay and this woman you're talking to is aware that you're not (hopefully) looking for a serious relationship so soon?

Yes I agree with you, she’s aware of my situation.

To be honest we will not see each other for some months due to the current circumstances.

Its nice to talk to someone without my cheating ex being in the conversation.

Im obviously hurt still and will take some time 

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Thought I would check in and thank you for your advice and support.

Im managing to sleep again and slowly coming to terms with what she’s done.

Im still discovering things that have gone on, no contact 2 weeks saturday.

Gym is helping, I am relieved this has happened before I married her or had children

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@Will87

This was a heavy bomb.  Just remember it'll take time.  You'll encounter a lot of ups and downs through the process.  Take your time with it, be patient, and use here for support when you need it.

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1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@Will87

This was a heavy bomb.  Just remember it'll take time.  You'll encounter a lot of ups and downs through the process.  Take your time with it, be patient, and use here for support when you need it.

Yes my hearts broken, will take a long long time to heal, I plan on just working myself silly to take my mind off things.

Im sure one day I will find my silver lining.

Its amazing that you think you know somone, she was my world and to betray me like that was unthinkable.

We unfortunately have the same circle of friends as we grew up together.

She obviously feels liberated at the moment but the cards will come crashing down 

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@Will87

Its hard but try to put what she's doing, out of your mind and focus on what you're doing.  You're going to need all the energy you can muster up, to nurse yourself back to health.  

You mentioned staying busy which is good.  Just make sure you don't completely fill that schedule up to the point where you have no time to think about things because believe it or not, you do actually need some downtime for those thoughts to flow in.  If you don't let yourself feel your pain, you won't process it and move passed it.  Instead, you'll end up burying it and buried pain won't stay buried.  It'll quietly manifest itself into your thoughts/feelings, affecting your decision-making process. This will translate into some less than ideal behaviour/choices for you which will bring some negative consequences.  Because you haven't taken the time to get know what's going on inside you, you won't know what the sources of these problems will by then, this will have become more of a complicated, deeper mess to clean up.   I've seen a lot of people make this simple mistake.  

Healing is 3 prong:

1. Keeping busy

2. Giving yourself down time to let yourself feel this pain in order to process it and get passed it.  This is how you'll successfully navigate your grief.

3.  Letting go of what you can't control and letting time work its magic.

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Found myself doing a lot of soul searching, was reading through old emails and messages.

How on earth did we end up like this, I loved her dearly.

Looking at old photos and videos have broken me.

I guess this is part of the healing process 

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You’d be better off doing a full purge. Pain shopping just gets you pain.

Your best path is zero contact. That’s means everything, social media, etc.

block her on everything. Time will fix the rest. It always does.

Edited by Marc878
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You weren’t married. She made her choice which leaves you no other option than to move on. 

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The other thing is go through the house and box up anything that was hers. Make the home yours now. The way you want it. She doesn’t count anymore.

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well found out yesterday that she was sleeping with a guy i know a few years back when I was working away.

She messaged him the day I got home and said this cannot continue, do there we have it she’s not a great person.

Shes also done it in previous relationships

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ExpatInItaly
1 hour ago, Will87 said:

well found out yesterday that she was sleeping with a guy i know a few years back when I was working away.

She messaged him the day I got home and said this cannot continue, do there we have it she’s not a great person.

Shes also done it in previous relationships

I'm sorry to hear this, OP. It sounds like she's been hiding a lot from you, for a long time. 

How did you discover this, out of curiosity?

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@Will87

2 hours ago, Will87 said:

well found out yesterday that she was sleeping with a guy i know a few years back when I was working away.

She messaged him the day I got home and said this cannot continue, do there we have it she’s not a great person.

Shes also done it in previous relationships

With respect to your ex, she is a terrible person with cheating potential and now she's his problem.   If there's any good here,  its the fact that you know her true quality now.   Never blame yourself for what happened going forward.  We invest our hearts into relationships and trust it in the hands of the other.  If things weren't good for her, she had a responsibility and moral obligation to do right by the relationship and right by the person she was with, to end it respectfully.  Instead, she chose to take advantage of a person's trust and loyalty.  She chose to be disgusting.   

Stay strong man

- Beach

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19 hours ago, Will87 said:

well found out yesterday that she was sleeping with a guy i know a few years back when I was working away.

She messaged him the day I got home and said this cannot continue, do there we have it she’s not a great person.

Shes also done it in previous relationships

Sounds like both you and my ex should be in the running for betrayal of the year. I can tell you that what my ex did is pretty hard to beat... but yours is definitely right up there with mine. I hope you're still maintaining NC.

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1 hour ago, Sinful said:

Sounds like both you and my ex should be in the running for betrayal of the year. I can tell you that what my ex did is pretty hard to beat... but yours is definitely right up there with mine. I hope you're still maintaining NC.

Yes it’s cut me me deep, i’ve been listening to a lot of self help groups and continuing therapy (session today).

Shes a liar and a cheater i’m coming to terms with the person she is.

Yes NC almost 4 weeks now, had a bad nightmare about her last night sleeping with him.

Im taking everyday as it comes and slowly but surely getting there.

Its great having the dog he gets me out of bed in the morning 

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Thought I would update, I have come on leaps and bounds since focusing on myself more.

I have dated a nice girl for a little while that  has also helped me, smart and very pretty.

Im not rushing into anything mind.

 

My ex reached out monday after 11 weeks of no contact, she was just breadcrumbing.

She was blocked on everything but emailed and found in junk folder, I have just ignored the email.

Today she’s been looking at my linkedin and i’ve blocked her on there now.

NC works, I do think about what’s happened but compared to how I was the beginning of the year I feel numb to it all.

Therapy also helped me, I have nothing to say to her.

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2 hours ago, Will87 said:

Thought I would update, I have come on leaps and bounds since focusing on myself more.

I have dated a nice girl for a little while that  has also helped me, smart and very pretty.

Im not rushing into anything mind.

 

My ex reached out monday after 11 weeks of no contact, she was just breadcrumbing.

She was blocked on everything but emailed and found in junk folder, I have just ignored the email.

Today she’s been looking at my linkedin and i’ve blocked her on there now.

NC works, I do think about what’s happened but compared to how I was the beginning of the year I feel numb to it all.

Therapy also helped me, I have nothing to say to her.

"I have nothing to say to her" - I love this. You are doing just fine. Much love.

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The plot thickens, i had a withheld number call me and didn’t answer it.

Anyways had a voicemail left about an hour, she left a message saying “Hi xxx, this is xxx, I know i’m the last person that you want to speak to. Been trying to get hold of you can you call me back or text. Hope you’re okay”.

What are your thoughts?

A) If it was an emergency she could reach out to my sister or friends.

B) I’m also good friends with her brother 

I think she is bread crumbing.

all banking, house and belongings have already been sorted.

There is nothing to talk about 

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