ItsAllConfusing Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 What would be the appropriate punishment for a teen swearing at parents? Context below: I took the computer from my daughter because it was late and she was being ridiculously loud. I gave her a warning she didnt listen. I told her that she could use it tomorrow morning but that she'd have to stop tonight. She didnt listen. She was being mouthy and tried to negotiate using it. She pushed me with her foot and I almost fell over and at that point I snatched it from her which angered her even more. She wrestled the computer away from me. Not wanting to engage in a power struggle I let her. She called me the b word as she went back downstairs. Back downstairs she got into an altercation with my partner for assisting me by removing electronics. She pushed him, told him f you and flipped him off putting her hand in his face. She pushed me, I almost fell over and so did he. She's lost all electronics indefinitely, maybe a month. No tv, computer or phone. Which sucks because we're doing the whole social distancing thing and stuck in the house. She has to find other ways to entertain herself. Prior to this incident she lost electronics for about 2.5 weeks. Her behavior is baffling at times. She really needs help with emotional regulation. What would be an appropriate punishment for something like this? In our home disrespectful behavior results in the loss of electronics and outings. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Death ....only kidding Under 'normal' circumstances restricting access to 'entertainment resources' - tv, computer, phone would be appropriate. Given the social isolation in effect, shorter durations might be better. I never (my kids are almost 15 years beyond 'punishment age') went with 'indefinitely'. I'd do something like 'no tv for a week and that week resets further out if you do something disrespectful during the first week'. Also require an apology, written which would include a full detailed explanation of the action that they were being punished for. One more idea: write 100 (or you choose a number) times some variant of ''I won't do dat again''. I also spanked them when they were way younger than teenagers. Spanking a teenager just sets their defiance. Corporal punishment severe enough to impress a teen gets the parent arrested (in blue states). Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Well, this is way beyond using swear words. Your daughter is getting physically abusive. Where did she learn that? Does she see it in the household? That is what needs to stop, but it may mean family therapy, not just for her. Anything this extreme, I say take their electronics for a lot longer than overnight. Like a week. You can't give in on this stuff. If she actually is getting physical, try therapy. I just don't know if I'd ever give her her phone back if she got physical with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted March 25, 2020 Author Share Posted March 25, 2020 49 minutes ago, preraph said: Well, this is way beyond using swear words. Your daughter is getting physically abusive. Where did she learn that? Does she see it in the household? That is what needs to stop, but it may mean family therapy, not just for her. Anything this extreme, I say take their electronics for a lot longer than overnight. Like a week. You can't give in on this stuff. If she actually is getting physical, try therapy. I just don't know if I'd ever give her her phone back if she got physical with me. That's the thing I dont know where the foul language and abuse comes from. I don't swear and I dont hit her. We're in therapy as well. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 Good. Stick with the therapy. Listen, the language comes from all over TV, games and movies. That's no mystery, but where she's getting it's alright to fight physically, that is a big problem. You might even have to call the police on her sometime or send her to one of those ranches that makes you work for your keep and retrains you (and works with parents too). Expensive, no doubt. I don't know how you feel about Dr. Phil, but he has a book called "Family First" you might find useful. I don't know what all is in it, but if you watch him, you get the idea. He is a big believer in removing a problem child's possessions and making them earn them back ,and not within a day or two either, but to get them to realize and stop taking for granted all you do for them and to train the entitlement out of them. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 5 hours ago, ItsAllConfusing said: What would be the appropriate punishment for a teen swearing at parents? Parents who allow it to happen. (so you need not do anything from this point forward. You've already got her.) Everyone else in both of your lives can solve the "chicken or egg" question later, each for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 What does your family therapist recommend as a good punishment for this negative behaviour in her? Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 As a parent, I'm kind of surprised you would ask this forum. At your daughters age, her brain is developing at such a high rate and it's normal for teenagers to act psychotic at times. I don't believe in taking things away as much as I believe in natural consequences and encouragement. I don't acknowledge power struggles and will ignore my son when he acts up and it is very effective. Sometimes it's better not to react at all. If you want to pm me then feel free, bit having said that, I don't talk about my son online since I keep my parenting and my secret emotional flip outs online separate. No one knows I have emotional flip outs except for me! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 She probably just has a lot of pent up energy from being stuck at home. Make her clean her room and encourage her to talk a walk every day. Maybe even go walk together, just the two of you. If you are taking away her links to the outside world I wouldn’t let it last for more than a few days. She needs to be informed during this time and be able to seek out that information for herself. It’ll get easier. It’s a bad time for everyone right now, even for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 25, 2020 Share Posted March 25, 2020 I agree with the removing electronics approach - they tend to care a lot about that. I also agree with the advice to limit the durations a bit so that "worse" can be an option. She may need therapy or anger management classes or something as well, dunno. That is not a "punishment" but it can sometimes feel like it to a teen, ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) Since it is electronics related - go to the circuit breaker box and cut off the electricity in her room. Then make sure the breaker box has a lock on it. That way, you don't have to physically "take away" anything, and thus no physical struggle. All the stuff will die without power in a few hours. She can sit out in the family area and read or do something productive....or go to her room and sleep or stare at the wall once the daylight is gone. When I raised my sister, I tended to take a passive-aggressive approach like that. It at least kept a lid on things. Phone/laptop/internet/music issues? Flip the breaker. Use too much hot water? Turn the water heater off after a 5-minute shower. Not eating what's served for dinner? It comes back around for the next meal. Staying out too late driving around? Secret "battery shut-off" switch on the car. Not picking up the phone when called? Super-annoying embarrassing ringtone that won't shut off and can't be deleted. It is amazing how many things just "stop working" when you cr@p all over your parent/guardian. I learned the hard way by having to manage a disrespectful little wannabe drug dealer. Edited March 26, 2020 by major_merrick 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 If you raise them lovingly they’ll be loving. That’s what I’ve found anyway. I wouldn’t go do anything that’s a power trip, that’s not going to work too well in the end. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Even if your daughter has a good reason to be so angry, the appropriate punishment is to refuse her access to electronic devices until she apologises for behaving that way. I'd also stop any pocket money, stop driving her places she needs to go, stop doing anything for her outside of feeding her and providing the roof over her head. It's called tough love and if you're prepared to stand your ground it's a great way to let teenagers know the world does not evolve around them. If it's a radical departure from her normal behaviour I'd be investigating whether she's doing drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Now that (I assume) the situation has deescalated, have you talked about what happened? About how you both felt and how a similar situation could be dealt with in the future? While the swearing is unacceptable, it's also important to talk about what happened and make peace with each other. And for a really out there idea: after the discussion ask her if she can think of an appropriate punishment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) Just say eh , no effg swearing at me , chuckling , and your swearing too much lately too, that's all l did. Kids don't mind you talking to them and they think about it/ But pushing them they do mind , l find just saying things and working with them not against them works best and l think it helps them grow up and respect things too . Edited May 6, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 As for swearing at you , l said and eh , no effg swearing at me either btw , with a bit of a chuckle . Anytime she slipped up after that it become a harmless joke or l'd say eerrrr , she say oops sorry . Mind you , we all know you gotta get tough sometimes but l'm just sayin l've found mostly well with mine and all the friends anyway , usually it wasn't needed. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 It's a good thing I'm not a parent. I'd probably go to jail. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 (edited) On 3/25/2020 at 11:38 PM, amaysngrace said: If you raise them lovingly they’ll be loving. I wouldn’t go do anything that’s a power trip, that’s not going to work too well in the end. You've lost control of your daughter, and apparently lost respect as well. How did that happen? I raised a daughter and I can't imagine her ever swearing at either parent, much less engaging in any kind of physical tussle. Granted, she was a good kid... but there is something fundamental about the environment and the relationship that has caused boundaries to either be broken down or to have never been formed. I think you're going to have to do a reset. At 15 it's getting a bit late, but not too late. The question is, do you have the skill to pull it off. I don't think this is something that can be covered in a paragraph or two, but... you need to quit engaging in a conflictual, competitive manner, and assume the role of the benevolent dictator. Lower your voice, calmly assert authority, pronounce the consequence. Do not negotiate or argue. Telegraph the message that such behavor is beneath you. The expectation has to be implicit in your demeanor. Continued acting out gets more restriction, but be careful not to impose anything that can't be enforced, or that's too long to sustain. And you have to remain emotionally detached. Show her that it doesn't bother you whatsoever, but it does result in cumulative restrictions. Once it has been set, no negotiation––but make sure it's fair, sustainable, and that she knows she can be empowered via responsible behavior. It's a way of being present, setting the limits she needs at this age to feel secure, while allowing her to earn adult privileges via display of responsibility. We had some neighbors with two kids, a boy and girl, a few years younger than my daughter. She would go over to play and help look after them sometimes. So the parents came to me one day and asked how we managed to raise such a well-behaved kid. They wanted to know if we spanked (they had been), and I told him no- she has never had a spanking. We use 99 percent positive reinforcement. And I told him that it's important not to make them feel bad about themselves in the way you talk or fuss. I told him that they naturally want to be good and please you... so it's mostly a matter of teaching them how, having clear expectations, and setting the bar high but within reach. They quit using corporal punishment after that. I hope you get this figured out. I think you start by saying that X-Y-Z are unacceptable, and this is what I expect. Edited May 6, 2020 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
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