He hit me

[IAmHerr]

Hi I’m gonna try and keep this as short as possible because I really want to get some responses. I am new here and I stumbled on this page after researching “boyfriend hit me” so I think this is a good place to air my concern or problem.

He and I have been together for 9 years. I Won’t lie I have  hit him a couple of times out of anger and I know I was wrong but I really really love him. I think something is really wrong with me  and I’m loosing the one I love. Anyways after years of being together he never hit me back before. He eased me out of his way once when I hit him and said I should excuse that he could pass and that’s about the only thing  I experienced literally, very simple because he didn’t do it violently and I would definitely say he did.
Last night however wasn’t the case. 
We were in a very heated conversation and I was pushing him. I hit him and then he walked away and I proceeding to follow him. he went and say he was going to drive out and clear his head. In the heat of the moment  I didn’t want this and I was in so much RAGE :( my brother was outside and he kept telling me to stop embarrassing him because I was shouting and everyone outside was hearing. He started to hum a song and it made me really upset because he was avoiding me. So I slapped him sigh. Really hard...... if I wasn’t sorry about anything in my life I was so sorry I had done that. He held on to my face and pushed it so hard back I fell on the bed. I started screaming in tears because this had never happened before. I was so shocked. I always heard people say don’t you hit a guy because he will do it back in the future if you continue. But I had no idea he was capable to do this to me. He pushed my head so hard that I fell. And now I don’t know what to do because he said he was sorry but I know I was definitely toxic for him but now he had returned the favor. 
Any one can advise me on what to do and please don’t say leave. I have a child with him and I don’t want us to end. I know I’m the abuser but is he now gonna be violent towards me. Is it gonna be worth staying at this point.

please be kind to me. I love this guy with all my soul. 😔 is there anything we can do to make this better. Please help. 

 

Edited March 25, 2020 by IAmHerr

[amaysngrace]

You need to talk to a therapist.  You’re raising your child in a dysfunctional environment.

That’s so unfair.  You’re an adult and he’s an adult and you both have choices.  Your child has none.

[introverted1]

You need to get help for your behavior.  It's unclear whether your bf is also abusive.  It seems he tried to leave and you prevented him...  and hit him again.  You can't expect to repeatedly hit him with no repercussions. 

Get therapy for your child's sake.

[preraph]

You got a weird way of showing it.  Look, I don't know if you grew up thinking this was alright that you hit people or if you got uncontrolled rage from childhood and can't control it.  I suspect the former, but if you feel you have uncontrolled rage, you need to go right now and put yourself into an anger management course and learn why you do it so you can stop doing it and feel embarrassed about doing it since it only shows your own fears and lack of coping ability.  

You're the one starting it.  Fix yourself.

[IAmHerr]

5 hours ago, amaysngrace said:

You need to talk to a therapist.  You’re raising your child in a dysfunctional environment.

That’s so unfair.  You’re an adult and he’s an adult and you both have choices.  Your child has none.

I’m sorry I’ve never done this when my child is there. I think you misinterpreting. I mentioned my child to let you guys know we have a baby together.

[preraph]

Kids find out everything.  

[amaysngrace]

1 hour ago, IAmHerr said:

I’m sorry I’ve never done this when my child is there. I think you misinterpreting. I mentioned my child to let you guys know we have a baby together.

Whether or not it’s done in front of your baby isn’t relevant.  The dynamic is still the same.

Your child is being raised in an abusive environment by an abuser.   You.

[Pleasant-Sage]

I don't advocate for men hitting women. In fact, I despise men who do. I wouldn't lump your boyfriend in the same category as those cowards tho.

Will he do it again? How about will you do it again?

Who knows if he will but he is definitely sick and tired of your antics. Pull yourself together and learn some discipline and restraint.

If you love him like you say you do, be the girlfriend he deserves. Or don't and let him go.

Edited March 25, 2020 by Pleasant-Sage

[preraph]

You're lucky he hasn't called the police on you.  Did you just expect him to let you keep hitting him?  Of course, calling the police is what he should have done, or just left you behind.  Two wrongs don't make a right, but fight or flight response is fairly predictable.  

[basil67]

2 hours ago, IAmHerr said:

I’m sorry I’ve never done this when my child is there. I think you misinterpreting. I mentioned my child to let you guys know we have a baby together.

You said you were screaming so much that everyone could hear it.  This means that your child could hear it an most certainly knows what's going on.   Can you imagine how frightened your child must be during your outbursts.

As far as your partner goes, he pushed you onto a bed.  Given that you wouldn't let him leave, his response was measured and done in a way in which you wouldn't be injured.   He's not the problem here.

Edited March 25, 2020 by basil67

[Ellener]

@IAmHerr If someone calls the police you will find yourself being investigated automatically as a parent in many places- here in Texas it's mandatory for all reports of domestic violence.

Is there somewhere your child can stay if someone called social services?

Given the current world medical situation you could initially seek help online eg. anger management courses, I'll post a link to the types of classes in a minute, these are for the US.

Is your violent behaviour happening after you use alcohol or drugs? 

Break the problem down and for goodness sake try to get a grip of yourself before your life falls apart. 

Good luck.

 

 

Edited March 25, 2020 by Ellener
spelling

[major_merrick]

11 hours ago, IAmHerr said:

Any one can advise me on what to do and please don’t say leave. I have a child with him and I don’t want us to end. I know I’m the abuser but is he now gonna be violent towards me. Is it gonna be worth staying at this point.

please be kind to me. I love this guy with all my soul. 😔 is there anything we can do to make this better. Please help.

Leaving is the last thing you should do.  But if he's starting to hit back, he's fed up with your behavior and I don't blame him.  But I understand how things can get this way, so I'll tell you what I can.

⚡First off, keep your fights quiet. ⚡ Others have mentioned social services, so don't let the neighbors hear ANYTHING.  If investigated, politely refuse to cooperate.  No warrant, no entry.  By keeping the volume down, you'll help your security.  And if you start controlling one aspect of your own behavior, you win one small victory, then another.  You're changing habits, so this isn't going to happen overnight.  Your temper is your enemy, not your partner. 

IDK if you grew up watching violence, but I did.  My parents yelled and screamed and threw things and beat each other.  So what happened when I got with my first (and only) BF?  Same thing.  When we were first together, I'd hit him a lot.  He took it, although sometimes he blocked me.  Since we married, I haven't hit him, but I did throw things at him at one point last year.  Not good.  When you grow up angry and you feel like you aren't being heard, you take it out on those closest to you.  There's no magic answer for stopping it, other than realizing your own destructive power and consciously NOT aiming that force at people you care about.  Here's some management techniques that work for me:

1.  Sex.  Some sex can be consensually aggressive, and it gets some aggression out in a positive, bonding way.  Sex releases bonding hormones that draw you closer to your partner, rather than pushing them away.  When I'm angry with my husband, we screw more than we fight. 

2.  Write a letter.  Avoid discussions that can get heated.  Write your feelings, stick them in an envelope, hand them to your partner and WALK AWAY.  Time defuses anger, so buy time any way you can.

3.  Exercise.  Run, swim, jump, or go outside and kick the hell out of something.  Before I started getting pregnant repeatedly, I enjoyed sparring with a (willing) partner and honing my skills.  Sometimes, if your BF/GF/husband/wife consents, you can actually have a real physical fight.  You know...inside a ring with rules and protective gear.  It gives you an outlet for that physicality but without the danger of hurting each other.  And as a regulated and consensual activity you won't have legal problems.  Sparring also can be a bonding activity when you aren't mad at each other - and that's very important.

4.  If all else fails, find another target.   When I need it most, the universe frequently provides someone who's going to make my day.  Whether I get catcalled in public or someone tries to rob me or dings my car, they become the recipient of a full dose of the "wrath of blonde."  With your partner, be forgiving and kind.  With the rest of the world, be ruthless and push your advantages.  You can only behave yourself so long before you have to misbehave a bit.    

Edited March 26, 2020 by major_merrick

[Ellener]

@IAmHerr If you google verywellmind they have a list of what they consider the best online anger management courses, I can't post the links as they are commercial in nature. 

Good luck.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Ellener
wording

[ChatroomHero]

I find it telling that the title you chose was "he hit me" and the story you tell is you hit and attack him whenever you want and he ignored it for a long time until one time he defended himself and pushed you on a bed to stop you from hitting him. Again.

You are the problem but your title shows you want to paint yourself as a victim and that is your first issue.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/25/2020 at 7:38 AM, IAmHerr said:

Hi I’m gonna try and keep this as short as possible because I really want to get some responses. I am new here and I stumbled on this page after researching “boyfriend hit me” so I think this is a good place to air my concern or problem.

He and I have been together for 9 years. I Won’t lie I have  hit him a couple of times out of anger and I know I was wrong but I really really love him. I think something is really wrong with me  and I’m loosing the one I love. Anyways after years of being together he never hit me back before. He eased me out of his way once when I hit him and said I should excuse that he could pass and that’s about the only thing  I experienced literally, very simple because he didn’t do it violently and I would definitely say he did.
Last night however wasn’t the case. 
We were in a very heated conversation and I was pushing him. I hit him and then he walked away and I proceeding to follow him. he went and say he was going to drive out and clear his head. In the heat of the moment  I didn’t want this and I was in so much RAGE :( my brother was outside and he kept telling me to stop embarrassing him because I was shouting and everyone outside was hearing. He started to hum a song and it made me really upset because he was avoiding me. So I slapped him sigh. Really hard...... if I wasn’t sorry about anything in my life I was so sorry I had done that. He held on to my face and pushed it so hard back I fell on the bed. I started screaming in tears because this had never happened before. I was so shocked. I always heard people say don’t you hit a guy because he will do it back in the future if you continue. But I had no idea he was capable to do this to me. He pushed my head so hard that I fell. And now I don’t know what to do because he said he was sorry but I know I was definitely toxic for him but now he had returned the favor. 
Any one can advise me on what to do and please don’t say leave. I have a child with him and I don’t want us to end. I know I’m the abuser but is he now gonna be violent towards me. Is it gonna be worth staying at this point.

please be kind to me. I love this guy with all my soul. 😔 is there anything we can do to make this better. Please help. 

 

Were this a case where police had audio and video of the whole thing.   Youuuuuuuuuuuuuu would be arrested for domestic violence.

 

Now in the current society,  if the neighbors called the cops, and they arrived to find any marks on you...    the odds tip heavily toward him being arrested.

 

(the Loveshack responses will be similarly too kind  to you )

 

 

Edited March 27, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Your boyfriend has every right to defend himself once you attack him, I don't see anything wrong with this; he attempted to remove himself from the situation and you continued to assault him, I don't see why you are surprised this was the outcome.

In the future, you should consider taking the high road and removing yourself from the situation before you begin assaulting somebody... Sure, he did only hit you once, but some people are prone to whats called 'Black Out Rage' meaning they are no longer in control of themselves and are basically not conscious... I understand that its never OK for a man to hit a woman, but at the same time, a man has a completely different bone structure than you, we also have a different type of muscle fiber... Over all, putting yourself into a physical situation with a man is a really bad idea.

[Blind-Sided]

as someone who was accused of abuse... I find this thread very offensive.  Your title makes it sound like you are being abused, when in fact... it's YOU who are the abuser !!!!!  He didn't hit you at all.  Even by your own words... he pushed you.  AND... it was just so he could leave.  Trust me... the average adult male can cause damage if he wanted to, with a single blow. It sounds like your man was being in control of himself, and pushed you somewhere soft. (The bed)

So... do yourself a favor... leave him, and get help because your kid is going to turn into someone you don't want, because he/she will see it's ok to act crazy, and hit people.

Edited March 30, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Azincourt]

well,  you seem to have anger issues, and you've hit him. I don't know if he hit you first, if he has ever hit you, but either way that looks like domestic abuse. Not just the physical aggressions you did onto him, but the severe emotional abuse that poor man is under because of you. If you ain't happy why you staying in this relationship?

[Noproblem]

The title should read I have abused my boyfriend for 9 years and even though I love him, he sometimes feel trapped and needs to go out to vent out, but last time I didn't let him go out and vent outside and hit him repeatedly, so he pushed me and then later appologized.

 

I have a question,

If this story was : Hi, I am a married women and have kids, my husband have abused me for 9 years, he constantly yell and shout, and sometimes he hit me. What should I do?

The answer would be:

Divorce that monster, take custody of the child, seek therapy to heal, and seek help and support.

That's what your husband should do

 

If you want to fix this, let the poor soul go, let him be free, work on your anger management and get therapy and if you feel you are cured, maybe you can be with someone else.

 

Love does not mean hurting others!