Broke up with my bf of 5 mos

[SweetCharity]

So I wanted to share two things. One, I finally got a divorce. Two, I broke up with someone for once. Those that have read my posts will know my dating life has been a trainwreck, my marriage being the worst decision of all. 

But I did it. I divorced him. As we left the courthouse, he walked away without so much as a glance. Not even a goodbye. It broke me. 

Around that time I had been dating my most recent ex (my ex husband and I had been separated for a while now. He ended up getting a gf before I got a bf but I digress.) He was different from my former husband. He showered me with attention, always wanted to see me, bought me gifts, took me out, and even told me loved me. For the first time in a long time, a man wanted to be with me. A man loved me. And he was willing to hold space for me while I was still picking up the pieces.

So what was the problem? We couldn't stop bickering. It would go to the point that we were on the phone for hours discussing why he shouldn't say I'm "being ridiculous." He started saying I was too sensitive. Too idealistic. That I oftentimes presented socialist ideals. Meanwhile, I didn't know what he stood for.

He also had his own crosses to bear. I told him to go to therapy. He refused saying he wouldn't get anything out of it and couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, he wasn't paying rent at the halfway house he was managing and liked spending $200 on vitamins. 

It came to a head when we argued over a girl that was passing by. He made a judgmental comment about what she was wearing and then it became this whole thing where he thought I was attacking him over what he said. I did defend the girl because she was just minding her business but he made weird comments I just couldn't wrap my head around. He asked me if I was dumb because I was "acting dumb." He ended up saying he "needed a break from this" and stormed off. Two days passed. 

So I broke up with him. He honestly thought I was in the wrong and was going to get over myself. He wouldn't even accept the break up. I had to reiterate it three more times. In the end he told me he'd always love me. 

But I couldn't go back. My ex-husband's words were echoing in my head. "Are you fu*king stupid or what?" And I realized I needed to be single again. 

I understand my most recent ex was nothing like my ex-husband. But if it's only 4 months and I'm already questioning my sanity it's time to let it go. 

This was huge for me. I've never been able to leave before. I cared about him deeply but I just couldn't see us continuing. 

Still, there's that nagging voice, "You let the only man who actually wanted you go." I know it's not true but I feel so alone. I know that the only person's love I need is my own. I just get so lonely. 

Lately I've been casually flirting with the guy in LA but I'm thinking of just letting that go too. I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I don't want anymore heartbreak. I can't even focus on work. Due to the quarantine, I'm stuck in my house, alone with my thoughts. 

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. Just wanted to share because I think I actually made good choices this time. Thoughts?

Edited March 26, 2020 by SweetCharity

[Legatus]

First thing that strikes me, after having read your story, is how your ex-husband's words were similar to what the other guy said. Calling you stupid is just a put-down designed to deal with other people's anger because they can't do it properly. Even though you said he was different, that one thing was similar, wasn't it? Perhaps, in time, you will see that he wasn't quite so different? I don't presume to know, this is merely a question to you (hopefully in few weeks/months you'll give me an answer :))

Clearly his decisions and remarks made an impact on you. Personally I agree - what's $$ on a therapist that can help you be a better, healthier person, take care of your mind. People focus on taking care of their bodies in so many ways but not their head.

I am totally with you on calling him out on his comments. It takes courage and integrity to do that and you did it - perhaps subconsciously you knew that would be a good test of his character. Turns out it was a good test but bad character! Great for you to take steps and make decisions that are right for you.

[simpycurious]

5 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

So I wanted to share two things. One, I finally got a divorce. Two, I broke up with someone for once. Those that have read my posts will know my dating life has been a trainwreck, my marriage being the worst decision of all. 

But I did it. I divorced him. As we left the courthouse, he walked away without so much as a glance. Not even a goodbye. It broke me. 

Around that time I had been dating my most recent ex (my ex husband and I had been separated for a while now. He ended up getting a gf before I got a bf but I digress.) He was different from my former husband. He showered me with attention, always wanted to see me, bought me gifts, took me out, and even told me loved me. For the first time in a long time, a man wanted to be with me. A man loved me. And he was willing to hold space for me while I was still picking up the pieces.

So what was the problem? We couldn't stop bickering. It would go to the point that we were on the phone for hours discussing why he shouldn't say I'm "being ridiculous." He started saying I was too sensitive. Too idealistic. That I oftentimes presented socialist ideals. Meanwhile, I didn't know what he stood for.

He also had his own crosses to bear. I told him to go to therapy. He refused saying he wouldn't get anything out of it and couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, he wasn't paying rent at the halfway house he was managing and liked spending $200 on vitamins. 

It came to a head when we argued over a girl that was passing by. He made a judgmental comment about what she was wearing and then it became this whole thing where he thought I was attacking him over what he said. I did defend the girl because she was just minding her business but he made weird comments I just couldn't wrap my head around. He asked me if I was dumb because I was "acting dumb." He ended up saying he "needed a break from this" and stormed off. Two days passed. 

So I broke up with him. He honestly thought I was in the wrong and was going to get over myself. He wouldn't even accept the break up. I had to reiterate it three more times. In the end he told me he'd always love me. 

But I couldn't go back. My ex-husband's words were echoing in my head. "Are you fu*king stupid or what?" And I realized I needed to be single again. 

I understand my most recent ex was nothing like my ex-husband. But if it's only 4 months and I'm already questioning my sanity it's time to let it go. 

This was huge for me. I've never been able to leave before. I cared about him deeply but I just couldn't see us continuing. 

Still, there's that nagging voice, "You let the only man who actually wanted you go." I know it's not true but I feel so alone. I know that the only person's love I need is my own. I just get so lonely. 

Lately I've been casually flirting with the guy in LA but I'm thinking of just letting that go too. I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I don't want anymore heartbreak. I can't even focus on work. Due to the quarantine, I'm stuck in my house, alone with my thoughts. 

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. Just wanted to share because I think I actually made good choices this time. Thoughts?

That's ridiculous that ANY man would call you or any other woman STUPID or DUMB.  There's really no place for that anywhere much less a relationship.  People who have to result in name calling and swearing are petty in my mind.  To be in a situation that bickering/arguing are constants is nothing less than TOXIC.  Sweet you have NOT met the only man that will or can LOVE YOU more likely, you just have NOT come across the RIGHT ONE.  Never let anyone belittle you or degrade you.  Not ANYBODY.........

[ThorntonMelon]

I think the thing that sticks out to me is that you aren't describing someone showering you with love and or affection. Im sure there were some good moments but you're not coming off like he was a good man to you.

So I think you've got to accept that right now you're a magnet for folks who don't treat you well and do the work on/for yourself that will help you be a stronger person when you do meet someone wonderful.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I understand my most recent ex was nothing like my ex-husband.

um, yes he was if he was calling you stupid like your ex husband did.  He might have been able to muster up a charming veneer, but the fact remains that what that charming veneer masks is someone who has contempt for your esteem to the point that not only do they think you're stupid, they boldly tell you to your face.  That's two men in succession who have done this to you.  There is something about this character type that you keep attracting and you need to find out why.

[Ami1uwant]

Ehat did you fo that caused them to call you dumb or stupid?

 

im not nevessarily gefending thrm but is there a personality trait here?

 

you avoided saying much of what the issues were with you

 

fyi..a socialist is anyone who wants something that benefits some subclass of society.

[SweetCharity]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Ehat did you fo that caused them to call you dumb or stupid?

 

im not nevessarily gefending thrm but is there a personality trait here?

 

you avoided saying much of what the issues were with you

 

fyi..a socialist is anyone who wants something that benefits some subclass of society.

The reason he called me dumb was because I didn't think what a girl wears should have anything to do with how she is being treated. He went on a long monologue about how she was setting herself up to be human trafficked. I told him that rhetoric was harmful.

If you read my past posts you'll clearly see what my issues are. It would just have made my posts longer. I'm no saint. I can be pretty idealistic and stubborn. I'll admit I'm not the easiest person to deal with. When we started dated I would have a wall up. But I did my best to get through it. I introduced him to my family. I tried to establish boundaries. I acknowledged when I was putting up too many boundaries. I tried to lighten up on some things. 

But I'm working on myself. I go to NA meetings, individual therapy and dialectical behavior therapy so I can communicate better. I've been putting the work in. I soon realized he wasn't. He kept calling me a snowflake and saying I never admitted I was wrong.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, there’s lots of observations/ points I wanted to make so I’ll list them: 

1) you are not ready to date. If the divorce “broke” you then you are not emotionally ready to move on. It doesn’t matter if you don’t love your exH anymore. You are still affected by the consequential impact of your marriage/ divorce. Give yourself some time to emotionally recover before rushing in. 
 

2) It doesn’t matter if your ex boyfriend was showing you love in the beginning. The point is he’s not loving. He’s emotionally and verbally abusive! It doesn’t matter if he wasn’t as bad as your ex H. There is evidence here to suggest that he could have become as bad (or even worse) than your ex H as the relationship progressed. 
 

3) Well done you! Leaving a partner like this is not easy due to how manipulative they are. Keep reminding yourself that you are not losing someone special by breaking up with him. You’re gaining so much, including a life that will be free from constant manipulations, put downs and misery. Good on you! 
 

4) I’m sensing that you may benefit from a little help with how to communicate clearly, assertively and respectfully whist managing conflict but it sounds as if you know this already. 
 

Edited March 26, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[SweetCharity]

6 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Sweet you have NOT met the only man that will or can LOVE YOU more likely, you just have NOT come across the RIGHT ONE.  Never let anyone belittle you or degrade you.  Not ANYBODY.........

I don't think I'll meet the right one until I learn to love myself. I think I'm getting there but I struggle with myself all the time. 

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, there’s lots of observations/ points I wanted to make so I’ll list them: 

1) you are not ready to date. If the divorce “broke” you then you are not emotionally ready to move on. It doesn’t matter if you don’t love your exH anymore. You are still affected by the consequential impact of your marriage/ divorce. Give yourself some time to emotionally recover before rushing in. 
 

2) It doesn’t matter if your ex boyfriend was showing you love in the beginning. The point is he’s not loving. He’s emotionally and verbally abusive! It doesn’t matter if he wasn’t as bad as your ex H. There is evidence here to suggest that he could have become as bad (or even worse) than your ex H as the relationship progressed. 
 

3) Well done you! Leaving a partner like this is not easy due to how manipulative they are. Keep reminding yourself that you are not losing someone special by breaking up with him. You’re gaining so much, including a life that will be free from constant manipulations, put downs and misery. Good on you! 
 

4) I’m sensing that you may benefit from a little help with how to communicate clearly, assertively and respectfully whist managing conflict but it sounds as if you know this already. 
 

1) Yes. I realized I didn't give myself any time to be truly single and heal. In my marriage I liken myself to a bottle filled with liquid. My husband tipped it over and shook it until the very last drop was gone. He walked away with everything, his own apartment, our dogs, a gf and a greencard. Aside from the gf (though when I stopped sleeping with him he went out and got one), I helped him get all those things. And he didn't even look at me as he walked away. I try not to be hard on myself. I helped him get those things because I loved him. He just took me for all he could. 

2) Yeah, I saw the red flags and realized I never wanted to go back. He wasn't calling me a wh*re or breaking chairs but he was definitely starting to act like I was the problem everytime we bickered. He also wouldn't respect certain boundaries. He said he was trying to "push me out of my bubble."

3) It was the hardest thing I've ever done. He would text me that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to him, and bought me nice gifts. He'd pay for a lot of things so I started feeling like I owed him. I realized I needed to stand on my own two feet. 

4) Yeah, I get really stubborn at times and hot tempered. I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with communication but it's hard to apply sometimes in the heat of the moment. I still have a long way to go but I think I'm making progress. As I was breaking up with him I tried not to make it about him but rather that we both needed time to grow by ourselves. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

I agree with the other poster you were not even ready to date.

 

after a long term relationship ending recovery depends on

 

1 how  it ended..was it a slow drift and easily agree ordudden and surprising like you caught them chrst8ng.

2. If it was a divorce or entangled relationship, how did the sepsrstion agreement go over things

3 howwasthe relationship prior to theconflictthst ended it

4howling was it and are there things that still tie you together like kids or your in laws knew it was their sides fault and they still love you.

in your situation it sounds like there are other problems on top of that.  My sister hassimilar mental illness.

 

[simpycurious]

4 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

The reason he called me dumb was because I didn't think what a girl wears should have anything to do with how she is being treated. He went on a long monologue about how she was setting herself up to be human trafficked. I told him that rhetoric was harmful.

If you read my past posts you'll clearly see what my issues are. It would just have made my posts longer. I'm no saint. I can be pretty idealistic and stubborn. I'll admit I'm not the easiest person to deal with. When we started dated I would have a wall up. But I did my best to get through it. I introduced him to my family. I tried to establish boundaries. I acknowledged when I was putting up too many boundaries. I tried to lighten up on some things. 

But I'm working on myself. I go to NA meetings, individual therapy and dialectical behavior therapy so I can communicate better. I've been putting the work in. I soon realized he wasn't. He kept calling me a snowflake and saying I never admitted I was wrong.

The reason he called you That is Irrelevant it's the fact that he did that is the issue....very poor character to verbally talk to a lady or anyone like that just my opinion

[simpycurious]

2 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I don't think I'll meet the right one until I learn to love myself. I think I'm getting there but I struggle with myself all the time. 

Don't doubt yourself for a moment...you can meet someone great, you deserve to meet someone great YOU WILL MEET SOME GREAT 

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

I agree with the other poster you were not even ready to date.

 

after a long term relationship ending recovery depends on

 

1 how  it ended..was it a slow drift and easily agree ordudden and surprising like you caught them chrst8ng.

2. If it was a divorce or entangled relationship, how did the sepsrstion agreement go over things

3 howwasthe relationship prior to theconflictthst ended it

4howling was it and are there things that still tie you together like kids or your in laws knew it was their sides fault and they still love you.

in your situation it sounds like there are other problems on top of that.  My sister hassimilar mental illness.

 

My husband was abusive. I couldn't leave the house without it being a problem. My clothes were too revealing for his taste. When I wore makeup he said it made me look like a wh*re. If I wore shoes in the house he would flip. In the end he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore but he still wanted me to do things for him, like watch the dogs, have sex with him, bring him food, etc. It wasn't until I decided to stop coming over that he got a gf. Even then, he wouldn't give me a divorce until I canceled the electric account that was under my name (with notice of course). We had been fully separated for 9 months before we divorced. Living separately for 1 year and 9 months, and married for almost 3.

When you say other problems and a mental illness, who are you referring to?

[SweetCharity]

3 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Don't doubt yourself for a moment...you can meet someone great, you deserve to meet someone great YOU WILL MEET SOME GREAT 

Thank you. But what I mean is that my focus should be on healing and loving myself instead of meeting someone new. 

[simpycurious]

8 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

Thank you. But what I mean is that my focus should be on healing and loving myself instead of meeting someone new. 

I fully understand but I think you can find and have what you ultimately want.  

Edited March 26, 2020 by simpycurious

[Ami1uwant]

25 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

My husband was abusive. I couldn't leave the house without it being a problem. My clothes were too revealing for his taste. When I wore makeup he said it made me look like a wh*re. If I wore shoes in the house he would flip. In the end he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore but he still wanted me to do things for him, like watch the dogs, have sex with him, bring him food, etc. It wasn't until I decided to stop coming over that he got a gf. Even then, he wouldn't give me a divorce until I canceled the electric account that was under my name (with notice of course). We had been fully separated for 9 months before we divorced. Living separately for 1 year and 9 months, and married for almost 3.

When you say other problems and a mental illness, who are you referring to?

 

 

Sorty ...

 

you having the mental illness complicates things further.  My sidter has similar diagnosis.

 

you were married for 3 yrs snd that?  Looking back was there warning signs you missed before you married him ?

[Ami1uwant]

30 minutes ago, SweetCharity said:

Thank you. But what I mean is that my focus should be on healing and loving myself instead of meeting someone new. 

Besides your own personal health you also have to ask what are you attracting and why?  Are there things you missed because things were nice early? Did you fail to ask questions or test them by creating situations that brought out these problems.  

 

Ate you a certain Myers Briggs personality type and you attract the wrong type to match you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

16 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I understand my most recent ex was nothing like my ex-husband. But if it's only 4 months and I'm already questioning my sanity it's time to let it go.

No offense, but he sounded very much like your ex.

Any partner that personally attacks you, calls you stupid, dumb, ridicules you for whatever reason...more abuse is coming.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[preraph]

Well I think the guy you broke up with wanted to love you but it sounds like he also wanted to change you so maybe he was actually in love with some ideal in his head he wanted you to fit into. I think you need to take a break now. Good luck.

[SweetCharity]

11 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well I think the guy you broke up with wanted to love you but it sounds like he also wanted to change you so maybe he was actually in love with some ideal in his head he wanted you to fit into. I think you need to take a break now. Good luck.

I think so too. He couldn't accept me for who I was. 

[SweetCharity]

54 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Besides your own personal health you also have to ask what are you attracting and why?  Are there things you missed because things were nice early? Did you fail to ask questions or test them by creating situations that brought out these problems.  

 

Ate you a certain Myers Briggs personality type and you attract the wrong type to match you.

I'm uncomfortable with these questions. Are you implying this is my fault because of my mental illness? 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You go girl!  You definitely did the right thing.  I can tell you are proud of yourself and you should be!  You are on the right track to love yourself and better yourself etc.

That guy was borderline abusive so forget about him.

Just wanted to give you a high five!  I have been working on myself for the last 10 months and am feeling great!  It does get better.  Just takes time.

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Besides your own personal health you also have to ask what are you attracting and why?  Are there things you missed because things were nice early? Did you fail to ask questions or test them by creating situations that brought out these problems.  

 

Ate you a certain Myers Briggs personality type and you attract the wrong type to match you.

Am, I am not sure that's fair to ask (about the personality type).  The lady has just had POOR LUCK in selecting  decent guys to be with. 

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I'm uncomfortable with these questions. Are you implying this is my fault because of my mental illness? 

No I’m not

 

myers Briggs is a 16 division personality test. In it has analysis tied  to relationships where you have good matches and not good matches for relations.  Maybe you are picking bfs that aren’t your match.

 

this goes  to you inward looking at yourself in trying to fix yourself.