Broke up with my bf of 5 mos

[simpycurious]

22 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I think so too. He couldn't accept me for who I was. 

But that's HIS PROBLEM not yours.  You are WHO you are and you shouldn't have to change that for anyone.

There's something WRONG with people who always want to change someone.  Why?  So, you can control 

them or make them into somebody they are NOT?  Kinda pointless 

Edited March 27, 2020 by simpycurious

[Malin889]

Ugh, I'm sorry you met both of these people. I too was with an abusive person for years. Unfortunately he's the father of my daughter, so I have to talk to him occasionally. Abusive people always bring you down, call you names, etc, but still expect you to do things for them. I'm glad the ex is out of your life and that this guy is too. You definitely need to take time out for yourself to heal. If you're in an abusive or even just a "bad" relationship of any kind, you can't just jump into another relationship so soon after, and yet so many people do. You need to heal and mourn. Sometimes it takes years. Be by yourself for awhile, for as long as you need to. And yes, you may get lonely, but that doesn't mean you should jump into just any relationship with any halfway house, abusive guy who comes along. Remember that you deserve better. Why was he in a halfway house, by the way? What happened? Just curious. And why do you go to NA? 

[simpycurious]

37 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Ugh, I'm sorry you met both of these people. I too was with an abusive person for years. Unfortunately he's the father of my daughter, so I have to talk to him occasionally. Abusive people always bring you down, call you names, etc, but still expect you to do things for them. I'm glad the ex is out of your life and that this guy is too. You definitely need to take time out for yourself to heal. If you're in an abusive or even just a "bad" relationship of any kind, you can't just jump into another relationship so soon after, and yet so many people do. You need to heal and mourn. Sometimes it takes years. Be by yourself for awhile, for as long as you need to. And yes, you may get lonely, but that doesn't mean you should jump into just any relationship with any halfway house, abusive guy who comes along. Remember that you deserve better. Why was he in a halfway house, by the way? What happened? Just curious. And why do you go to NA? 

The above poster references being lonely but isn't being lonely better than being verbally abused?  To me, it certainly is. 

[SweetCharity]

3 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Why was he in a halfway house, by the way? What happened? Just curious. And why do you go to NA? 

He manages it. We're both in NA. I have a drinking problem. I've been sober 1 year and 4 months. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I think it is very easy to sit and focus on the particulars of any relationship when a single side is being told; just being honest, the way you feel is not a conclusive result or outcome, but a feeling... People who tend to put their feelings before logic will do poorly in most environments.

Rehashing your relationships here, in my opinion, is masturbation, because you are not going to come to any conclusion that is logical. Part of being an adult, is taking responsibility for your own faults and i'm not saying any of these insults the men hit you with are accurate or anything of the like, but I am saying that these men didn't hold a gun to your head and make you be with them, you have to recognize that you have a greater responsibility for these relationships than the people you are in them with... Sure, it takes two to tango, but if you don't have a good idea of what type of partner you are looking for before you hit the dance floor  and are just "In the moment" so to speak, these are the type of results you can expect on a consistent basis.

Sit down, create a list of traits you find desirable, decide what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not, have these things decided before you ever meet anybody... These things are called boundaries and it is up to you to set the boundaries in a relationship that you inhabit... If you don't like men insulting you, let that be known and set a boundary, if that boundary is not immediately respected, you know where you stand and need to move on.

[Malin889]

11 hours ago, simpycurious said:

The above poster references being lonely but isn't being lonely better than being verbally abused?  To me, it certainly is. 

Yes that’s why I said don’t just pick up any tom, dick, or harry if she is lonely. 

 

9 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

He manages it. We're both in NA. I have a drinking problem. I've been sober 1 year and 4 months. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

[Malin889]

9 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

He manages it. We're both in NA. I have a drinking problem. I've been sober 1 year and 4 months. 

Wait until you’ve been sober for longer and know that you have that under control before letting someone else into your life. I thought when you were starting the program you were supposed to be sober for at least a year before you started dating anyone. (I can’t remember where I heard that) Anyway you are trying to get your life back on track, the last thing you need is a guy like that in your life. You need stability. 
 

[SweetCharity]

12 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I think it is very easy to sit and focus on the particulars of any relationship when a single side is being told; just being honest, the way you feel is not a conclusive result or outcome, but a feeling... People who tend to put their feelings before logic will do poorly in most environments.

Rehashing your relationships here, in my opinion, is masturbation, because you are not going to come to any conclusion that is logical. Part of being an adult, is taking responsibility for your own faults and i'm not saying any of these insults the men hit you with are accurate or anything of the like, but I am saying that these men didn't hold a gun to your head and make you be with them, you have to recognize that you have a greater responsibility for these relationships than the people you are in them with... Sure, it takes two to tango, but if you don't have a good idea of what type of partner you are looking for before you hit the dance floor  and are just "In the moment" so to speak, these are the type of results you can expect on a consistent basis.

Sit down, create a list of traits you find desirable, decide what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not, have these things decided before you ever meet anybody... These things are called boundaries and it is up to you to set the boundaries in a relationship that you inhabit... If you don't like men insulting you, let that be known and set a boundary, if that boundary is not immediately respected, you know where you stand and need to move on.

People always talk about being logical over being emotional as if it is better. There's actually a third option called "wise mind" which takes both into consideration, so you can make a wise choice. 

It doesn't look like you read my whole post because you're bringing up boundaries as if I don't know what those are. The masturbation comment is also pretty tacky. 

I DON'T need to reflect on what I need my next partner to be.  The last thing I need is a new partner. Also, I did move on when my last partner insulted me. I did try to set boundaries. And I walked away when he wouldn't! 

Pay attention. 

[SweetCharity]

3 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Wait until you’ve been sober for longer and know that you have that under control before letting someone else into your life. I thought when you were starting the program you were supposed to be sober for at least a year before you started dating anyone. (I can’t remember where I heard that) Anyway you are trying to get your life back on track, the last thing you need is a guy like that in your life. You need stability. 
 

I was sober a year before we started dating... I'm also pretty secure in my recovery. I have a sponsor and work the steps. I go to a meeting at least once a week. 

[Miss Spider]

Grats on wrapping up two relationships that were clearly bad for you. You did the right thing. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Just now, SweetCharity said:

People always talk about being logical over being emotional as if it is better.

I never said this.

9 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

 People who tend to put their feelings before logic will do poorly in most environments.

This is what I said. Let me explain: Doing poorly is not a choice, it is an outcome... When you use the word "Better" you are implying that I said that you are making a choice to be emotional and I don't believe that, however I do believe that you can make better choices to avoid the outcome of becoming emotional in the first place. Becoming emotional is a poor outcome, because then you begin to become defensive and push away people who try to help you.

 

Just now, SweetCharity said:

It doesn't look like you read my whole post because you're bringing up boundaries as if I don't know what those are. The masturbation comment is also pretty tacky. 

I DON'T need to reflect on what I need my next partner to be.  The last thing I need is a new partner. Also, I did move on when my last partner insulted me. I did try to set boundaries. And I walked away when he wouldn't! 

Pay attention. 

 

Just now, SweetCharity said:

I was sober a year before we started dating... I'm also pretty secure in my recovery. I have a sponsor and work the steps. I go to a meeting at least once a week. 

Both of these responses come from a defensive place. We are not attacking you, we are attempting to help you and you are becoming emotional and defensive.

Just now, SweetCharity said:

 There's actually a third option called "wise mind" which takes both into consideration, so you can make a wise choice.

You might be right, but I don't think you are tempering your emotion with enough logic to make a wise choice, I think you are content in being emotional because it affords you the opportunity to shrug off any constructive criticism and reinforce the idea that the problem is with everyone but you.

[basil67]

On 3/27/2020 at 7:15 AM, SweetCharity said:

4) Yeah, I get really stubborn at times and hot tempered. I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with communication but it's hard to apply sometimes in the heat of the moment. I still have a long way to go but I think I'm making progress. As I was breaking up with him I tried not to make it about him but rather that we both needed time to grow by ourselves. 

 

Was trying to not make the breakup about him a way of protecting yourself?  If so, I can understand why you did it.   However, if you did it as part of good communicating, there was absolutely no need.  Not only did it leave a bit of ambiguity (hence him trying to get back with you) but you also lost your own voice.   It is perfectly acceptable to say during a breakup "your behaviours of X Y and Z are not acceptable to me and I will not continue seeing you"  If he argues the point, it's OK to tell him that you will not be engaging in further discussion on the topic and hold your ground.

Talking about personal growth or your own failures is only relevant if you wish to resolve conflict while staying together.

Edited March 29, 2020 by basil67

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I never said this.

This is what I said. Let me explain: Doing poorly is not a choice, it is an outcome... When you use the word "Better" you are implying that I said that you are making a choice to be emotional and I don't believe that, however I do believe that you can make better choices to avoid the outcome of becoming emotional in the first place. Becoming emotional is a poor outcome, because then you begin to become defensive and push away people who try to help you.

 

 

Both of these responses come from a defensive place. We are not attacking you, we are attempting to help you and you are becoming emotional and defensive.

You might be right, but I don't think you are tempering your emotion with enough logic to make a wise choice, I think you are content in being emotional because it affords you the opportunity to shrug off any constructive criticism and reinforce the idea that the problem is with everyone but you.

I was defensive because it read to me that you were making a lot of assumptions about me. I wasn't asking for advice or how this was my fault. I was merely sharing what I chose to do about a relationship that was no longer serving me. I usually make posts about relationships that are bad for me, asking for advice. I tend to always make the worst choice. I stay. I don't set boundaries. This time I didn't. I walked away. And I'm proud of myself for it. Case closed.

Now I'm just trying to heal and learn how to stand on my own two feet. I don't really need any advice on this one. 

[SweetCharity]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Was trying to not make the breakup about him a way of protecting yourself?  If so, I can understand why you did it.   However, if you did it as part of good communicating, there was absolutely no need.  Not only did it leave a bit of ambiguity (hence him trying to get back with you) but you also lost your own voice.   It is perfectly acceptable to say during a breakup "your behaviours of X Y and Z are not acceptable to me and I will not continue seeing you"  If he argues the point, it's OK to tell him that you will not be engaging in further discussion on the topic and hold your ground.

Talking about personal growth or your own failures is only relevant if you wish to resolve conflict while staying together.

I guess, in a way I was protecting myself but I was still trying to protect his feelings. It wasn't until he wouldn't stop calling me and texting me how selfish I was for walking away from us that I told him his behavior was unacceptable and the reason I was breaking up with him. He even tried to use the global epidemic as a way to manipulate me. 

"Let me see you before the country is shut down." 

It was too much. If I regretted breaking up with him, I didn't anymore. 

[SweetCharity]

1 hour ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

I never said this.

This is what I said. Let me explain: Doing poorly is not a choice, it is an outcome... When you use the word "Better" you are implying that I said that you are making a choice to be emotional and I don't believe that, however I do believe that you can make better choices to avoid the outcome of becoming emotional in the first place. Becoming emotional is a poor outcome, because then you begin to become defensive and push away people who try to help you.

 

 

Both of these responses come from a defensive place. We are not attacking you, we are attempting to help you and you are becoming emotional and defensive.

You might be right, but I don't think you are tempering your emotion with enough logic to make a wise choice, I think you are content in being emotional because it affords you the opportunity to shrug off any constructive criticism and reinforce the idea that the problem is with everyone but you.

Also, being emotional is not a bad thing! You missed the point of what I said. There is nothing wrong with being emotional, just like being overly rational is not the best thing. Some people act like being in tune with your emotions is a weakness. I actually think it's a strength. 

I'm fine with criticism as long as it comes from a well informed place. I just wasn't seeing that here. And my comment about my sobriety was not defensive. I was stating the facts. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, SweetCharity said:

I guess, in a way I was protecting myself but I was still trying to protect his feelings. It wasn't until he wouldn't stop calling me and texting me how selfish I was for walking away from us that I told him his behavior was unacceptable and the reason I was breaking up with him. He even tried to use the global epidemic as a way to manipulate me. 

"Let me see you before the country is shut down." 

It was too much. If I regretted breaking up with him, I didn't anymore. 

So great to hear you finding your voice when you need it.  You’ve come a long way - keep up the good work. 

Edited March 29, 2020 by basil67

[smackie9]

here's the kicker....abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing. He knew your history and saw your weakness...that's what abusers look for in order to control someone. He knew you were looking for a gentleman, so he played the part to lure you in, he hit hard on you emotionally to capture your heart. The stage was set for the control to start. The belittling, gaslighting, manipulation. As you end it, he starts to cast doubt...that you are the one that is making a mistake. Sound familiar?

You saw right through this ahole and walked. You made no mistake. Through this experience you have learned so much more in what to look for, and read the signs.

Edited March 31, 2020 by smackie9

[SweetCharity]

On 3/31/2020 at 3:16 PM, smackie9 said:

here's the kicker....abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing. He knew your history and saw your weakness...that's what abusers look for in order to control someone. He knew you were looking for a gentleman, so he played the part to lure you in, he hit hard on you emotionally to capture your heart. The stage was set for the control to start. The belittling, gaslighting, manipulation. As you end it, he starts to cast doubt...that you are the one that is making a mistake. Sound familiar?

You saw right through this ahole and walked. You made no mistake. Through this experience you have learned so much more in what to look for, and read the signs.

There were other red flags but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It also didn't help that when I told my friend I broke up with him she told me I was being rash because he was the first guy to treat me with "respect."

Edited April 3, 2020 by SweetCharity