MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Hi guys, It's been 3 months BU and almost a month NC. My breakup was in December and although I was dumped, ex kept reaching out to me to insist on being friends even after I have requested for space. He'd text me once every few days or so, even though I didn't reply and I eventually have him blocked for good in February. By this time I have been slowly moving on, but then one night a friend reached out. There was this girl who used to be quite close with my ex, because when ex was pursuing me he had been asking her advice and vice versa. Girl is quite fond of our relationship and periodically check in with my ex too see how we're doing(and to share her current update with his bf). A few months before ex dumped me, girl had checked in once with ex and found out that ex has lost his feelings towards me. Girl had been encouraging ex to put in effort into our relationship, but since ex is showing disinterest girl suggested ex to let me go instead of keeping me on hold. This hurts me greatly because during the same timeline, ex was still as sweet as he could be. He would still be planning the future with me, telling me i love you's, assuring me that he loved me and that he wanted what's best for me, and yet he was weighing whether to drop me down or not. I know it's now in the past, but it hurts to know that all of those were a lie. Girl decided to inform me because she thought we were still together and ex has started posting new pictures of him and his new girl. What also hurt is that ex and his new girl has started talking ever since he was still with me. We also had a fight all because he refused to post me, but is now posting his new gf non stop. The greatest betrayal? All the while I was wondering whether I was cruel because I had refused to be friends with him after the breakup, he was texting me out of loneliness, disrespecting my boundaries and my feelings, even had the guts to force me to be his friend, and yet he already had this new girl. I'm really hurt, I felt like I'm back to day 1 with even greater pain. I guess I just want to rant here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 Even though her intentions might have been pure, it was definitely a bad call on her part to tell you all about this. I know it's in the past so it might not mean much to you but not everything had to be a lie. He may have seen her once or twice, being in a bad mood and saying that he lost some of the spark. It doesn't mean he didn't try to put the effort though. One conversation with her doesn't mean that it was representative of months. Either way, it is probably for the better as he does sound like a shady character.It might feel like day 1 again but it's not, it's just a minor setback because of new information dumped on you. You already have a lot of information why this relationship wasn't great and why he wasn't for you, that will hopefully speed the process from now on Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I am not sure why this friend chose to tell you about this now. Did you ask her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 23 minutes ago, Legatus said: Even though her intentions might have been pure, it was definitely a bad call on her part to tell you all about this. I know it's in the past so it might not mean much to you but not everything had to be a lie. He may have seen her once or twice, being in a bad mood and saying that he lost some of the spark. It doesn't mean he didn't try to put the effort though. One conversation with her doesn't mean that it was representative of months. Either way, it is probably for the better as he does sound like a shady character.It might feel like day 1 again but it's not, it's just a minor setback because of new information dumped on you. You already have a lot of information why this relationship wasn't great and why he wasn't for you, that will hopefully speed the process from now on Hi Legatus! This friend thought that ex had wronged me, which is why she decided to reach out. Actually during these time he had also begun to treat me differently. He'd get mad at me just for wanting to talk to him, criticize me, overall losing his empathy for me. He didn't put in any effort either, and this was after I took him back (he dumped me before this) and promised to put in effort. I don't know why he'd dump me, treated me like s*** while assuring me that he love me, only to dump me again. All this while he confirmed to her that he actually lost his feelings for we. Was I being strung along? I really hope that this would speed the process from now on. I've only started to heal only to have this information dumped on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am not sure why this friend chose to tell you about this now. Did you ask her? I didn't ask her, but she thought he was cheating on me. While we were together he had never posted anything about me but everyone knew we were together. So when he suddenly started posting another girl, she felt inclined to tell me. She also confirmed my suspicion of being strung along.. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I don’t think this friend was doing you a favour. Maybe she needs someone to talk to at the moment. If it was true, your ex sounds like he was dating others and was really not in a place to settle with anyone. He led you on and shouldn’t have. It is clear you are better off out of that relationship. If he had broken up with you before and you had allowed him back, he would not be respecting you as much as he should. You need to make sure that if your ex tries to get back with you again, that he really has to fight for it and that you reject him multiple times. He might value you more by then. In general though, there is probably a guy out there who would be honest and faithful and treat you so much better. Why re-educate a dodgy ex when you can start afresh with someone more clear-headed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 26 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I don’t think this friend was doing you a favour. Maybe she needs someone to talk to at the moment. If it was true, your ex sounds like he was dating others and was really not in a place to settle with anyone. He led you on and shouldn’t have. It is clear you are better off out of that relationship. If he had broken up with you before and you had allowed him back, he would not be respecting you as much as he should. You need to make sure that if your ex tries to get back with you again, that he really has to fight for it and that you reject him multiple times. He might value you more by then. In general though, there is probably a guy out there who would be honest and faithful and treat you so much better. Why re-educate a dodgy ex when you can start afresh with someone more clear-headed? You're right, spiderowl. I'm just too naive in relationships.. I didn't know you have to make people fight for you, or at least I thought, the right one will know how to appreciate me. I guess I was too stupid to think he was the right one.. He even told me he felt as if he was 'picked off the ground' because I took him back so easily. I'm definitely going to improve myself and choose a better partner next time. It's just that I'm really hurting right now, I don't know how to trust people again.. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Just take your time, don't rush finding a new relationship. The bad experiences help us learn what we want and need, and make it easier to recognize the warning signs. Next time you'll more easily recognize behavior you need to walk away from. There are good guys out there that will be worthy of your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 It almost never fails that when a partner asks for a break up it's because they have someone else waiting in the wings for them. This is what happened here. He was reaching out to be friends out of guilt and to make himself not feel like the bad guy. This confirms that you did the right thing by blocking him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 29 minutes ago, FMW said: I'm sorry you're hurting right now. Just take your time, don't rush finding a new relationship. The bad experiences help us learn what we want and need, and make it easier to recognize the warning signs. Next time you'll more easily recognize behavior you need to walk away from. There are good guys out there that will be worthy of your trust. Thank you kind stranger!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 26, 2020 Author Share Posted March 26, 2020 22 minutes ago, stillafool said: It almost never fails that when a partner asks for a break up it's because they have someone else waiting in the wings for them. This is what happened here. He was reaching out to be friends out of guilt and to make himself not feel like the bad guy. This confirms that you did the right thing by blocking him. And here I thought we had a very special connection. Who am I kidding... It is so unfair to be treated unfairly and yet here I am the one struggling to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 4 hours ago, MistyHeart said: here I am the one struggling to move on. You can't know why things didn't work out, and it doesn't matter if you're ready to move on, what you can do is look after yourself right now, do healthy things, and stop dwelling on it. That includes not being 'friends' to salve someone else's feelings/make everything seem wonderful etc. Delete him ( and anyone else negative ) from your social media. You don't need to talk about or see images about any of this if you want to forget it and move on. Good luck, feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 It is astounding how some men can act like they're all in love with you and not mean a word of it. One of my exes seemed to fall for every woman he bedded and get all sentimental about them all, but in reality, he was just very fickle, a feckless toad. He may have even believed it himself at the time. But it couldn't have been deep love because it didn't stop him from hurting and disappointing most of them eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, preraph said: It is astounding how some men can act like they're all in love with you and not mean a word of it. One of my exes seemed to fall for every woman he bedded and get all sentimental about them all, but in reality, he was just very fickle, a feckless toad. He may have even believed it himself at the time. But it couldn't have been deep love because it didn't stop him from hurting and disappointing most of them eventually. Because not that many women are looking for casual sex, which means we have to pretend to want a relationship in order to have sex in many cases. Not all of us are a 25 year old Brad Pitt, you know? We can't just go up to a woman and say, ''heyy, wanna smash?'' We gotta butter them up a bit with romance and all that Disney stuff. And professional prostitution isn't legalized in the states with the exception of Nevada. If men had an outlet for their sex drive, like more women would be open to a hookup, like they are in college, or a legalized brothel like they have by the handful in several European nations, many men wouldn't need to have to ''lie'' to get sex. I remember women back in college who'd figured that I was only interested in casual sex. Duh, I was 18, and most of the college student body was female, and most were conventionally attractive, and when they did found out that I was talking to several women at the same time, they'd get mad and throw drama at me. Which makes absolutely no sense. You're young. You're meant to have fun and enjoy your life, not tie yourself to a ''boyfriend.'' I know guys who don't lie to women about being in love with them. They don't have to. They have millions in the bank, sex paid with money upfront is legalized, and they have 20.000 euros- a month- escorts on a retainer. Edited March 26, 2020 by Azincourt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 2 hours ago, preraph said: One of my exes Hey preraph, I think I know him...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 26, 2020 Share Posted March 26, 2020 I grew up in the 70s when men didn't have to act that way to get sex. but it still happened to me with a guy I fell in love with in the late 70s. I think he had feelings because I actually still know him 40 years later but I just think he had feelings for just about all the women.. Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Just now, preraph said: I grew up in the 70s when men didn't have to act that way to get sex. but it still happened to me with a guy I fell in love with in the late 70s. I think he had feelings because I actually still know him 40 years later but I just think he had feelings for just about all the women.. Yeah, sure, but that was the 70's. My dad also never had to lie to get sex, but these days if you're a guy with good stuff going on, if you as a guy don't pretend to be dummy or poor, women start thinking that you are ''relationship material'' instead of one-night stand material, which results in having to wait a month for sex instead of having sex with her that very same night you met her for the first time, because she believes you to have potential, like you are not like one of the bums she constantly meets in her life so why would she ruin it by having sex with you? Well, why not? A man's heart is large. We can love many women at the same time. Why won't women give us the chance to love everyone equally? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 Because a whole lot of women love a lot deeper than my belief is that if you really love someone, the very last thing you would want to do is hurt and confuse them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, preraph said: Because a whole lot of women love a lot deeper than my belief is that if you really love someone, the very last thing you would want to do is hurt and confuse them. I don't know if it's about women loving a lot deeper than men, of it's about women being raised by our society to act like they do, like their worth as a human being depends on being in a romantic relationship and it being successful, with romantic success being the guy is married to you, only sleeps with you, has kids with you etc. and so women throw themselves at the relationship utterly believing that they need to love in order to be worthy of love, to prove to themselves that they deserve love. My mom had a lot of boyfriends and one-night stands. Obviously she was a social outcast in the eyes of many, especially considering she was born and raised in a fascist Country that motivated men to be promiscuous and women to be chaste. Still trying to figure out how that one works out. My father had to go through a lot to get married to her, as his parents pretty much told him that if he marries her, he's not getting any money, but he still did it anyway. Anyway, the point is, people can love more than one person at the same time. I'm in love with 10 different women, ex-girlfriends and women that I can't attain because they're dating/marriedto rich soccer players, and they ain't about to drop a guy who makes 5-10 million euros after taxes a year for me lmaooo, but I still get to hang out with them because we're part of the same social groups. Would I love to be in a romantic relationship at the same time with all 10 of them? Yes. Very much so. Would I feel less love for any given woman because of that? Nope. my heart is full of love, and I want to give it to every young woman who looks like Selena Gomez. Edited March 27, 2020 by Azincourt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 20 hours ago, Ellener said: You can't know why things didn't work out, and it doesn't matter if you're ready to move on, what you can do is look after yourself right now, do healthy things, and stop dwelling on it. That includes not being 'friends' to salve someone else's feelings/make everything seem wonderful etc. Delete him ( and anyone else negative ) from your social media. You don't need to talk about or see images about any of this if you want to forget it and move on. Good luck, feel better soon. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MistyHeart Posted March 27, 2020 Author Share Posted March 27, 2020 20 hours ago, Ellener said: You can't know why things didn't work out, and it doesn't matter if you're ready to move on, what you can do is look after yourself right now, do healthy things, and stop dwelling on it. That includes not being 'friends' to salve someone else's feelings/make everything seem wonderful etc. Delete him ( and anyone else negative ) from your social media. You don't need to talk about or see images about any of this if you want to forget it and move on. Good luck, feel better soon. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Sinful Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 21 hours ago, preraph said: It is astounding how some men can act like they're all in love with you and not mean a word of it. This goes for women too. If you've read my story about my ex then you'll know just how bad some women can be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 I think there's a certain kind of young women who do that because they don't even know what love is yet and I call it playing house. Link to post Share on other sites
Sinful Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 18 hours ago, Azincourt said: Anyway, the point is, people can love more than one person at the same time. I'm not sure I can fully agree with that. It's obvious that we can fall in love with many people throughout our life, and thus I don't disagree that you can find yourself "in love" with more than 1 person at the same time. But I feel there are different levels so to speak when it comes to love. To say that you can seriously be in love with multiple partners, equally at the same level all at once is something I just don't buy. I had 2 what you would call best friends growing up. Looking at the base relationship you could say I loved them both, and had you asked me to chose 1 over the other at the time I wouldn't have been able to do so. But ultimately I was closer and had more of a connection to 1 than I did the other. Flip the scenario to romantic relationships and I see it the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted March 27, 2020 Share Posted March 27, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Sinful said: I'm not sure I can fully agree with that. It's obvious that we can fall in love with many people throughout our life, and thus I don't disagree that you can find yourself "in love" with more than 1 person at the same time. But I feel there are different levels so to speak when it comes to love. To say that you can seriously be in love with multiple partners, equally at the same level all at once is something I just don't buy. I had 2 what you would call best friends growing up. Looking at the base relationship you could say I loved them both, and had you asked me to chose 1 over the other at the time I wouldn't have been able to do so. But ultimately I was closer and had more of a connection to 1 than I did the other. Flip the scenario to romantic relationships and I see it the same way. There are different kinds of romantic love. There's the love you feel for her because of how beautiful she is. There's the love you feel for her because of how good she is in bed. There's that kind of love that makes you invest in someone, emotionally, makes you want to build a life with that person and grow old with her. That's the most traditional kind of love, and the one kind of love I have no interest in. I can be in love with one, or ten, or a hundred different women at the same time. feeling for each one of them with the same intensity and wealth of emotional warmth because the way that I love is not with my heart, with my emotions. I love with my eyes, my desire, my lust, and there's millions upon millions of beautiful women out there, so not only can I be equally in love with many women at the same time, but I am perpetually falling in love every day of the week. Being romantically in love with just one woman is emotionally and financially taxing. Meeting her parents, meeting her brothers and sisters, dealing with her on a daily-basis, putting up with her problems, helping her out when she needs me to, being her emotional pillar and her bank account when she needs money etc etc is all very emotionally taxing. I really don't want to deal with any of that nonsense. Emotional effort creates stress. Stress and drama create hair loss and wrinkles and accelerates the aging process. No, thank you, very much. Edited March 27, 2020 by Azincourt Link to post Share on other sites
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