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Feeling Hurt - Disagreement About Quarantine


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I suspect there will be a lot of discussions about covid and relationships. But I haven’t been able to find any advice on my particular situation... I’m a long ways from home and a 2 hours drive from my boyfriend. We’ve both returned to school and he’s living at home with his parents. I currently live alone. It was spring break, plus school closed, and I was invited to stay with him and his family. I thought that this would be a safe place and I’d rather be with him than alone during these times.

I was only there a week but I started to get really uncomfortable. No one was taking the stay at home seriously. His parents were somewhere every day and family came over regularly. I stayed in his room for the most part, but then he got upset because I didn’t want to go out running around, even though cases are on the rise here and a stay at home order in place.

We ended up in a fight when he said he felt me being there was taking advantage of his parents (though his parents insisted I was welcome to stay). Whether he just needed space or not, it came out very hurtful. He’s asked me to come back and offered to come out to my place, but that completely negates quarantine and limiting exposure. I was really sick last year with an upper respiratory virus and am not interested in taking my chances.

I understand it wasn’t my house, and I was respectful not to say anything, but I’m very frustrated that I didn’t feel safe and hurt feeling like he turned his back on me... I feel safe here at home, but I’m sad I can’t be with the people I love. I feel very divided from him and his family and a little upset I felt in danger. I haven’t figured out how to process all this or where I want to go from here. It’s almost like I feel betrayed.

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Stay at home and be safe. Don't allow him to visit on and off. That's defeats the whole purpose behind the isolation. If he moves in for the duration, that's OK as long as he's staying put. 

You have a definite right and interest in maintaining your health. Don't give in and do what you need to do to stay healthy.

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1 hour ago, DC77 said:

he said he felt me being there was taking advantage of his parents

Doesn't that say it all, time to find a new BF... Sorry..

 

1 hour ago, DC77 said:

I feel safe here at home, but I’m sad I can’t be with the people I love.

I would stick with his feeling... in the end if you remain together then hash it out after it is over but right now be safe, feel safe..

I'm not a person who feels anxiety much at all but after a few things that have happened to me in the last week I hate even going to the store to pick up something

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How long have you been dating this guy?

To me that is a huge incompatibility. I would not want to date a man that takes lightly something as serious as a pandemic, it would mean we have different moral and ethic, under these conditions a relationship won't last too long. 

What he said about you taking advantage of his parents is cruel and unjustified. He's mean.He doesn't care about you getting sick.  He said that to hurt you because you wouldn't go around with him. I am sure this man has other ugly flaws. 

You go back home and wait it out on your own. It's long yes, it's boring, but you'll make it in 1 piece at the end. Then consider shopping for a better more mature man.

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Him and his whole family are irresponsible. But this is good.  Now you've learned what he's like in adverse circumstances:  in denial and irresponsible and doesn't like when you disagree.  So now you have more info about him.  

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Thank you all, I’m not waivering on my isolation. I’m scared of this thing and know what I need to do to protect myself... I’m just so disappointed I had to leave. I love him and his family very much, and they have some of the biggest hearts. Good people. I’m just so sad to watch them take their chances like they are and put each other at risk. Plus his mom is immuno-compromised. I don’t know what it will take for them to believe it’s real. And unfortunately, my mother is the same way. I have very little family and I’m just sad and scared... He and I have been together for a couple years now. I’m older and much more educated. He fits so many of the things I need on an emotional and soulful level, but we are struggling lately with the down and dirty day to day functioning of coupledom. I love him very much, and I know he loves me very much. We are both broken in our ways. He tolerates my short comings as much as I tolerate his. But we do need to talk about where this has taken us and where this is going.

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Your mistake was accepting to go there without talking with your boyfriend about the new lifestyle first. Maybe a talk and getting him to watch a few videos would have helped him process everything better. He's seeing his parents going around and coming back fine. So in his mind, this whole thing is not something that can hit people close to him.

The carelessness of the two parents possibly in their 50s might result in having one of them end up in a hospital with a ventilator.

I say don't entertain communication with him as if nothing had happened. This is serious, both socially and in your personal relationship. He'll have plenty of time to process this. If he decided to come to you and leave his parents and anything happened to them, it'll be a big scar. Being together under one roof was the best solution, unfortunately it didn't work.

If the relationship survives this, you'll have to make plans in case anything like this happens again.

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@justwhoiam to start off with “your first mistake” is pretty blameful and finger pointing. When I went out there we weren’t in full lock down. It’s easy to say in hindsight, “you shoulda,” but it’s not like any of us have been through something like this before.

And I’m well aware of the implications. There is a possibility they could get sick. And I’d hope there’d be ventilators available. But even that may not save them. It breaks my heart but I can’t force anyone, not even my mother, to think a certain way.

He’s aware of how I feel. It’s not going ignored. I’m not allowing anyone, not even him into my space. This all may lead to our end, but now is not the time to have fights and do anything permanent.

I’m doing well in isolation, and it has been helpful to talk this out here with everyone.

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Can you dob them in? We've had our first arrests in New Zealand, for people flouting the isolation rules. $4k fine and/or 12 Months in prison. First guy is in prison, because he also ran from the police, drove down the wrong side of the motorway and was drunk.

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It's difficult isn't it, but always trust your survival instincts first.

It's very difficult sharing a home, even under normal circumstances people just have such varying standards on hygiene, appropriate behaviour and personal space.

I've tried it twice in the past year, living in homes belonging to friends, and it's not easy even without a pandemic. I could write a book on all the weird crap that's happened!

Even when you do know someone they can fall apart in an emergency- the years I was married my husband would not have handled any of this well either, he dealt with one of the hurricanes by getting drunk, taking valium and sleeping through the whole thing...

Hang in there. 

 

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For the record DC77, you were really clear that you were doing what was allowed in your country at the time.   Perhaps others don't understand that (for better or worse) different countries are reacting in different ways with different rules at different times.  

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1 hour ago, basil67 said:

different countries are reacting in different ways with different rules at different times.  

That's true, when @mrs rubble said 'dob 'em in' I thought 'to who?' as here in Texas there are stay-at-home orders in most counties and rules about social distancing but it's generally self-imposed and I haven't heard of any legal consequences for violation like fines. Price-gouging, yes, because there's already a precedent for that when we have natural disasters. Here people are largely complying, but it's easier here because everything is so car-based, very little public transport,  and there are already drive-throughs for banks and restaurants etc. It's already part of everyday culture. There are police visible everywhere but they always are here for other major crises like our frequent floods.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Ellener said:

That's true, when @mrs rubble said 'dob 'em in' I thought 'to who?' as here in Texas there are stay-at-home orders in most counties and rules about social distancing but it's generally self-imposed and I haven't heard of any legal consequences for violation like fines.

Here on Oz, we can call the police to break up a large gathering.  If I hear the neighbours having a shebang, I can alert police.  There have been fines set, but I haven't heard of any being imposed yet.

In practical terms, police were called to backpacker's lodge in Bondi a day or two ago to break up a large gathering.  Nobody was fined, but we do have the ability to be fined in place.   I can't believe that backpackers and their sardine style accommodation are still allowed to operate under our current rules.  I suspect it will be addressed in our next major update.

Edited by basil67
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14 hours ago, mrs rubble said:

Can you dob them in? 

Interesting Mrs. Rubble. I understood right away what you were saying because of the context but I had not heard that expression before.

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