should a guy express their feelings ?

[wtm78]

"If your spouse tells you that you've done something to hurt their feelings, your worst possible response is to tell them that their feelings should not have been hurt."

how can a guy express their feelings ? or should a guy  express their feelings ?

i notice that when i am trying to communicate to my wife if she has done something that hurt my feelings, she will very quickly cut me off before letting me complete what i am trying to say and tell me i should not feel hurt because xxxx.... 
i notice that this pattern among female friends who are very hyper in character and they usually jump into correcting you before listening to what i want to express. 
if i communicate with a more mature or more emotionally strong woman, usually they give me the space to express my words. 

 

is it a matter of guys should not express their feelings to their wives? just be a man and move on? 

Edited March 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed suspicious link

[chillii]

Dunno about your wife thing depends what it's about l spose , l'll usually say what's on my mind though but l have found sometimes some observation on the situation also tells me whatever l wanted to now or say too.  But eh, the hyper types are like that there to hey, l'm probably in a different country to you but they're like that here too , those sort drive me effg crazy , and half the time you end up having to waste your time correcting them in the end anyway because they've jumped on you before they had a clue what you were even gonna say. so predictable,  got no time for those idiots.

 

[K.K.]

Yes, a guy should express his feelings. The way he does it though, matters. For instance, if a guy is repeatedly expressing his feelings to me in a whiny way, making me somehow responsible for them, I’m going to get agitated at some point. Especially when that finger is pointed in my direction. Who wants to hear that you’ve caused someone pain? 

It all correlates in the end to my feelings for them. If I like them, love them, I’m going to listen to his feelings. I’m going to try to see his point of view and act accordingly to fix my mistakes. To make him feel like he’s been heard and that he’s cared for. That’s the point, right? 

If I find myself not caring for him, either momentarily or in the long term and it’s hitting me that I don’t- I’m going to repel his feelings and see it as whining. Because I don’t want to hear it and really don’t care, as awful as that sounds. 

To express your feelings as a man, be clear. Be strong, and be matter of fact. Don’t whine. Women need men to act like men even though sometimes that seems to be forgotten in today’s society. Know your role. You’re the man. Act like it. 

Tell her your feelings, and if she doesn’t want to hear them, you explain in a calm manner that it’s not attractive, not kind and you’re simply not going to take it. Period. If she still acts like a bitch, she doesn’t care and then you remove yourself mentally from the situation and let her get on down the road with her bad self. 

I say this not because it’s a simple thing to do but because by the time she reaches the state of seeing you as a whiner, she’s lost respect and doesn’t want to be there anyway. 

 

Edited March 26, 2020 by K.K.
8====O ~~

[smackie9]

You have to change your approach possibly. Some start in with criticism, or accusation, and they go on the defensive.

[preraph]

look I've had a problem with cutting people off my whole life because my entire family did it and it was the only way I could get a word in edgewise. When someone keeps interrupting you and not letting you finish your thought, hold up your hand and say, Marie! Please let me finish my thought!

 

Yes she will be taking aback, but you have a right to finish your thought without getting interrupted. 

 

You know people who go to marriage counseling one of the main things that are taught is to shut up and listen when the other one is talking and acknowledge what they are saying at least.

[skywriter]

wtm, 

I learned about listening the hard way in my late thirties. I'm 56 years old now and have finally become settled into a healthy relationship. We both have learned to be good listeners with one another. 

I can understand how conversations can become, with each trying to throw their 2 cents in, but, I've also learned that it's just not

as important as I once thought it was to get the last word in. I'm really not sure how to tell your significant other how to please learn to listen but a little listen can go a long way. If they are willing to give it a try, I bet they'd be enlightened and maybe even wonder why they haven't tried it sooner.

Absolutely you should express your feelings and you should be listened to when doing so.

Edited March 26, 2020 by skywriter
to add

[Mrin]

How to express your feelings as a man: be direct but avoid throwing rocks. E.g. "hey, when you said X that made me feel Y emotion". Or even better, "I've been feeling Y emotion lately and I think it has a lot to do with because you're acting like X." The key here is be factual about what she said or what she's doing. For example, "because you are so busy with work" or "joked about my hairline.". That is better than "you are ignoring me" or "making fun of me". 

Then let her ask questions. 

Back to your question about invalidating feelings: everyone does this. Not just guys. It is a natural reaction. The best way to deal with this is not to engage in the dance of whether you should feel this way. Just say, "whether you think I should feel this way or not doesn't change the fact that I do feel this way. And that's how I feel."

Best of luck! I hope this helps!

[alphamale]

5 hours ago, wtm78 said:

is it a matter of guys should not express their feelings to their wives? just be a man and move on? 

pick you battles.  express your feelings about things you feel strongly about. but don't make it a habit

[alphamale]

31 minutes ago, skywriter said:

I'm 56 years old now....

wow you don't look a day over 40

[gaius]

It's a little feminine to sit your wife down and inform her about how she's hurt your feelings. Most women aren't looking for that.

If it's something that's outright disrespectful just telling her to knock it off might be received better. It all depends on what the exact issue is. If she knows what she did is wrong at her core it will be better received than if you're just being oversensitive or weak.

[SummerDreams]

I don't think it's a male - female thing. It's normal that, when someone tells you you hurt their feelings, you are searching for ways to correct it - explain it - misdirect it - dismiss it, according to your character. Nobody wants to hear that they hurt someone's feelings. It creates many bad emotions like guilt, confusion, anger etc.

The solution though is not to stop expressing your feelings The solution is that you discuss this with your W and let her know that it's hard when you express your feelings and she interrupts you and what would feel better for you for her to do instead. I bet with some practice you will solve this miscommunication problem.

[2BGoodAgain]

yes and no.

depends on whether you are the non sharing type or the sharing type...., but honestly, no one likes someone who complains all the time... it gets tiring.

so if you already share feelings, turn on the tap a TADDDD bit..

if you don't share at all, turn on the tap a little bit more..... 

[wtm78]

8 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

 ways to correct it - explain it - misdirect it - dismiss it, according to your character.

yes - that keep correcting and explaining and dismissing. it is damn frustrating when i am trying to say something and someone keeps interrupting to correct me. 

i would go stop interrupting me and let me finished. 

i usually brings up actions that are disrespectful, like i am in a middle of dinner conversations with someone and perhaps she is not interested and she cuts in and change the topic.usually leaving me and the other person taken aback and look at each other. and ended that conversation prematurely.  i find that extremely rude and disrespectful. but she would argue that she has no intention to be rude when i bring it up.... just frustrating to talk to someone who always have the last words. 

[basil67]

Good manners at a group dinner involves including the whole table in the discussion. If you and a friend are leaving others out, then you are the one who is being disrespectful.  I’ve had many a dinner with friends where we temper the conversation so that all can be included.   

[jspice]

She sounds incredibly disrespectful to you. One spouse should be able to express themselves to the other spouse. 
 

Other than this issue, do you get along well? Is she a good wife? ( Though I don’t see how a good wife could possibly be so ignorant about your needs).

[basil67]

You been separated for 9 months.  

 

Have you gotten back together?  Or is this part of you working out what went wrong?   Who instigated the separation and do you intend to divorce?

[preraph]

If you are separated I'm trying to talk to her when she doesn't want to talk to you, then you should probably not be doing but if you guys are talking anyway back and forth and she is just being disrespectful and cutting you off, then I stand by asking her to let you finish your thought.

[wtm78]

Still separated with the Mrs. 

This post really is asking how to deal talking to really sensitive people in my life. How to get my message across before they cut me off and get highly defensive? Or is there no point? Just suck it up because of gender differences? Like what alpha mentioned, pick your battle, which battle is worth picking? 

[basil67]

When dealing with sensitive people (or even any person you want to keep a good relationship with) you choose your words carefully.  For example, if they burn your toast, you don’t say to them “You burned my toast”. Instead, you observe to see if it’s a one time thing.  If it’s one time or occasional, you let it go. If it’s repeated, you thank them for breakfast and also mention you’d prefer if your toast is cooked for less time.   Tell people what you do want rather than criticise them for doing what you don’t want.  

And don’t bring gender differences into this.  Men have been known to beat the crap out of women because they are sensitive to something she may or may not have done.  Neither gender is immune to being sensitive. 

[wtm78]

On 3/28/2020 at 7:27 PM, basil67 said:

When dealing with sensitive people (or even any person you want to keep a good relationship with) you choose your words carefully.  For example, if they burn your toast, you don’t say to them “You burned my toast”. Instead, you observe to see if it’s a one time thing.  If it’s one time or occasional, you let it go. If it’s repeated, you thank them for breakfast and also mention you’d prefer if your toast is cooked for less time.   Tell people what you do want rather than criticise them for doing what you don’t want.  

And don’t bring gender differences into this.  Men have been known to beat the crap out of women because they are sensitive to something she may or may not have done.  Neither gender is immune to being sensitive. 

me: hey, thanks for breakfast. hmm, the toast is a little burnt. so...

<interrupted> 

w: you blame me?!  <cries> i made breakfast for you and you blame me ?!!! <cries> you dont appreciated me <cries>

this is a truestory... 

if i could complete what i want to say, "so... maybe next time can take the toast out earlier... "

 

[The Outlaw]

In the limited time that we all have, yes. Some things just shouldn't be ever left unspoken. 

[simpycurious]

6 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

In the limited time that we all have, yes. Some things just shouldn't be ever left unspoken. 

Well said, remember TIME waits for nobody.  It is fleeting and once gone never returns so with that in mind.  Expressing yourself and leaving NO words unspoken is never a bad thing. 

[The Outlaw]

33 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Well said, remember TIME waits for nobody.  It is fleeting and once gone never returns so with that in mind.  Expressing yourself and leaving NO words unspoken is never a bad thing. 

Very true. 

[poppyfields]

On 3/26/2020 at 11:57 AM, gaius said:

It's a little feminine to sit your wife down and inform her about how she's hurt your feelings. Most women aren't looking for that.

If it's something that's outright disrespectful just telling her to knock it off might be received better. It all depends on what the exact issue is. If she knows what she did is wrong at her core it will be better received than if you're just being oversensitive or weak.

But what's considered disrespectful? 

Some men might consider burning his toast to be disrespectful, as crazy as that sounds. 

So you're gonna tell her to "knock it off"?

Or what if your partner was on the phone and you needed her attention, and she didnt jump like a puppy and get off the phone, some men might consider "that" to be disrespectful. 

Telling a woman to "knock it off" is rude under most circumstances imo, and serves no purpose unless said as a joke or tease.  

I don't know too many women who would favor that overly macho approach versus a man directly and assertively telling her what bothers him and why.

Pick you battles!  If your partner is mentally abusing you, then by all means tell her to STOP and if she continues, you're gone for good.

Same advice for women.

Other than that, simply be direct and assertive, no whining or pouting, state your case and then leave her to it to think about. 

 

Edited April 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

You guys are separated, so of course she doesn't want to be your emotional sounding board any more. You can't have it all - freedom *from* a person but the ability to go vent and have them pick you back up whenever you need it. Separation is just that, separation. You no longer owe one another anything except for the care and support of the kids if you have any.