Chronically ill girlfriend and im exhausted

[John199990]

Not certain where this belongs, i feel like it fits partly across the the subforums and then some. If i am mistaken, please remove. 

I am in my late twenties and have been living with my girlfriend for seven years. The first two years things were great. Then she got ill with an incurable disease and has been increasingly dependent on my help the last five years. Along the way I have neglected family, friends, interests and self-care to stand by her.  The last year she has in addition to her physical pain and disability due to her illness struggled with depression and anxiety. She refuse to seek counseling and has threatened with suicide on several occasions when I have attempted to encourage seeing a therapist. Sometimes she tells me she wish we weren’t together because then there would be no one around to stop her from suiciding.

She has low self-esteem and alternate between feeling trapped with me when I spend time with her or feeling unwanted and like a burden when I give her the space she asks for. I can’t seem to get it right.  For a long time her well-being has been my one focus in life and when she has felt trapped I have gone out and waited for her to call me back because she is housebound by her illness and can’t get out herself.

I feel exhausted, lonely and unfulfilled and have recently been trying to attend to self-care when she wants space. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore but I am beginning to appreciate focusing on myself as it allows me some distance and peace. Lately when she has had enough alone-time I feel like I haven’t had nearly enough.

We still have attraction to one another and attempted to maintain the intimacy for a while, however as she is in for unbearable pain for the next couple of days after physical activity I have stopped taking the initiative and oftentimes turn her down when she does. The activities we still do together are things like movie nights and other none demanding activities inside. I have introduced her to online videogames in an attempt to help her feel less lonely.

Having allowed myself some time to reflect on our situation and relationship, It has dawned upon me that I haven’t spent any time thinking about what our future together would look like. I know she wishes to get married and have kids and pets, but the thought of this terrifies me as she already is too disabled to participate in chores and since I don’t even have the resources to maintain myself in our situation as it is already.

I care deeply for my girlfriend but I am realizing I can’t give her the life she wants without destroying myself in the process which would be good for no one. For the past month I have attempted to view her as a flat-mate rather than my girlfriend and it has given me some sense of relief as my mood has been less dependent on hers.

I want to support her, but I am conflicted about our relationship. I feel like I need more space and am considering leaving her, but I imagine what her life would look like without me and she doesn’t deserve that. I am afraid she won’t be able to do essential daily chores, at least not on her bad days. I also fear her depression will get out of control.

I am ashamed of considering ending it and I feel like the s***tiest person in the world for having such thoughts, but i miss having an active life and i feel as if ill sacrifice my well-being staying around as her boyfriend.

I suppose what I want with this thread is to process my thoughts and get some perspective from outside.

[stillafool]

From reading your post you have been an amazing boyfriend since you were what?  22 years old?  You have devoted the last 7 years to being her care giver.  Do not feel ashamed of anything.  You have every right to live and enjoy your youth and life.  This is a girlfriend, not your wife.  If you stay you will end up depressed and feel that you have missed out on a life, which is true.  Where is her family in all of this?  You need to sit down with them and tell them you can no longer be her care taker.  It isn't going to be easy but if you are looking forward to one day being married with kids you have to do this soon.  

[Springsummer]

God..It's hard. I think you are incredible human being already. I don't think anyone can ask anymore from you. 

where are her parents? other helps she can get?

[spiritedaway2003]

You are in a hard situation.  You don’t want to leave someone you loved who had fallen on hard times in life, since you’d feel like you are abandoning her. You have nothing to be ashamed of.  You tried to take care of her for long as you had.  Stay and work things out if you can see a future together, but don’t stay together out of guilt.  That won’t do anyone any good in the long term.

I think there is only so much each of us can handle before we break ourselves.  Only you know your limits. It’s not an easy talk to have, but sometimes those conversations are necessary.  Good luck.

Edited March 27, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[gaius]

It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize you don't always have a whole lot of control over the well being of those you care about. 

That no matter how much time, energy or support you put in it's still their journey and they have to decide for themselves to swim or drown, and if they refuse to paddle you've just got to let them go under or they'll take you with them.

It's a guilt you might have to carry with you until you die but it's better than drowning.

 

[basil67]

Caring is a difficult gig.  You have my sympathies.

Questions from me:   

• what therapy can she access and what options are there for paying for it? 
• where are her family and friends?  What options do you have for respite?  If you give your location, we may be able to help.
• when you mention therapy, she talks about suicide.  What is the context of her suicide threats?  I don't know what it's like where you live, but suicide threats where I am will be attended by police and have the person taken to hospital until they are deemed safe.  If her threats are real, then she needs this treatment.  But if her threats are a ruse, then she will stop making them if you call the police each time she does it.
• does she know how you feel?
• If none of this works, who can care for her if you don't do it?

Edited March 27, 2020 by basil67

[John199990]

Thank you for the replies.  I will attempt to answer your questions by elaborating on our situation. 

Her parents do help us out on occasions when i can't leave work and my girlfriend has doctor-appointments. However this has become somewhat of a last resort as she dont get along with them. The times she has stayed with them in order for me to have time off, it does not go as planned and I end up picking her up early. I find myself spending a lot of time calming her down or putting her back together after she has spent time with them. Her emotional and psychological issues feels alot more demanding to deal with than the practical extra work due to her disabilities.

We had home-help through public services for a short period. It became another stress-factor for her, for numerous reasons. I ended up canceling. Other than that she has a wheelchair and other aids which makes her somewhat less dependent. 

There are therapists available who has web-consultations, phone consultations and personal meet-ups, and i would afford it for at least some time. The problem is she won't have it as she has had some bad experiences from earlier. I believe she could benefit from counseling, but not with her current stance on the matter. I fear that if i push any harder than i already have she will self-harm (which she has previously been doing) or worse. 

I don't live in the USA or UK, I choose an English speaking platform to ensure anonymity as i'm not comfortable disclosing all of this information to my family and i wish to express myself as freely as possible somewhere.

In my country suicidal patients are not treated right and she would be at risk of losing some of the support she actually benefits from. It is simply not a risk i feel like i can take. Her take on life is that she wants to die in order to end the pain and suffering. She has two concerns about it: She thinks she wont be able to pull it off (practically, because of her physical condition). And second because it would hurt me.  

If i don't stick around she would depend entirely on her parents, which i think would end badly.

She has been a beautiful loving person with an amazing personality but she is coping with her problems terribly. She rarely have good days anymore, but there are still times i see the woman i fell in love with.

I have tried expressing what the situation does to me, it makes her resentful of herself and increases her self-hate. Which makes me disconnect from my feelings in order to take care of her. 

[stillafool]

You will have to decide when enough is enough and move on.

[preraph]

Have you checked with anyone to find out if there is home care available maybe through Medicaid or have you had her legally classified as disabled so that she gets disability income? 

 

I'm in the US and I know different places may have different programs. But you should definitely call social security if you're in the US and start filling out paperwork to have her considered disabled so that you would have extra income to work with. And under social security disability you may qualify for some home care to give you a break. and even having some other people in the home caring for her at times might be good for her, a break in the monotony and might lift her spirits. 

 

You should be able to find out some more options through Scial Security Disability. Please look into it right away if you haven't already.. if you've already done all that then you need to ask her doctor if he has any options for prescribing home Care.