How to move on?

[Irridescent]

Hello - first timer here

I've been seeing a guy for the past 6 months, in the beginning it was fiery and amazing, we couldn't get enough of each other, but since early February he's been more distant, he doesn't check in through text as often and was less involved in planning our next dates or would cancel last minute. I called him out on it and he told me he's just been really busy at work and overwhelmed but that he misses me and can't wait till we get time together again. I believed him and gave him space. On Sunday he promised me that he would make sure he would come see me after work sometime this week, and it's Thursday morning and I haven't heard from him. I texted him hello on Wednesday asking how his day was going, trying to start a conversation and he just said he's overwhelmed with work and sent me a kiss emoji.. 

I've decided that I'm worth more than this and I deserve someone who is willing to follow through. He claims he loves me but it all feels like empty words, I feel that it's really a case of out of sight - out of mind with him. I want to break up with him not because I don't like him, but because I don't like how he's treating me but I don't know how. I feel that our connection was worth more than a text breakup but now I'm thinking we don't have much choice.. especially with the lockdowns and restrictions happening due to Coronavirus, I would have thought that he would want to spend as much time with me as possible.

I can see clearly now that he's not as into me as he claims, or he's got some other girl on the side... it's just painful because I actually believed all the beautiful things he said to me and felt so close to him when we were physically together. I want to move on, but I know I'm weak enough to run back into his arms if he does turn up. I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me crazy, I want to be stronger than this, that's why I feel by writing it down maybe it will help me evacuate my feelings.... 

Thanks for reading, any suggestion or shared experiences would help.

[stillafool]

You are correct that you deserve more than he's offering.  It does sound like you aren't the only girl in his life.  You have to decide if putting up with his behavior is worth the pain of keeping him.  I would let him go - by phone.

[preraph]

Maybe he doesn't want to get together because we're supposed to be sheltering in place and not socializing. But if that's not the case then I agree you don't wait for him much longer. He might not want to admit he is afraid of being around people. 

[Irridescent]

16 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe he doesn't want to get together because we're supposed to be sheltering in place and not socializing. 

I get it and that's what we spoke about on Sunday.. I told him it's going to be difficult to not see each other for another 3-4 weeks at least and he replied that he wouldn't want to wait that long and he'll make sure he comes to see me by the end of the week.

I know I'm just delusional and holding onto the empty promises but I really did believe him and that's what hurts.

[preraph]

Well maybe he truly does not feel comfortable exposing himself. I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of not getting enough attention during this coronavirus crisis. I think you will regret it. He'll either resume or he won't. 

[Rex12]

Hey OP; sometimes the 'what might be' situations in relation to a short term relationship are the hardest to handle. 

It may well be the covid outbreak has increased his workload exponentially and/or he is genuinely stressed & anxious with regards to it. Alternatively, he could be opting for a slow fade. Don't torment yourself with thoughts that there's someone else.

You seem heavily invested, so, be honest with your feelings. Let him know what you want & where you see your relationship going. 

I understand you want to be the strong one & show no emotion in the face of the enemy but ultimately, what purpose does that serve? If you do not make it clear to him how you feel whilst you have the opportunity to do so, then it will haunt you moving forward & make it a lot more difficult to get over him. 

Explain where you're currently at and put the ball back in his court. You have then done all you can possibly do. If he comes back with a less then adequate response then at least you tried.

 

 

 

[Irridescent]

8 minutes ago, Rex12 said:

Explain where you're currently at and put the ball back in his court. You have then done all you can possibly do. If he comes back with a less then adequate response then at least you tried.

Thanks Rex, I feel this is a pattern I can't seem to break. I'm always the one giving in my relationships, it would be nice to not be as invested and be the one who cares less for once... It's so painful being on this side. 

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, Irridescent said:

especially with the lockdowns and restrictions happening due to Coronavirus, I would have thought that he would want to spend as much time with me as possible.

That is a contradiction

There is a rapacious virus on the loose and if he's been around people who have it (or vice versa, you) and he's yet to show symptoms, do you really want to risk your health for momentary gratification?

Find a way to self soothe til this thing blows over. Then is when you can decide to believe what you've decided the truth is about him.  If he has any sense, he's not with anyone else--he's sheltering in place by himself and is just busy with work.

6 minutes ago, Irridescent said:

I'm always the one giving in my relationships,

Perhaps it's time for you to use this shelter in place situation to take a break from dating and get down to the root of why this is a reoccurring theme in your life.  If this is your default with every relationship you're getting into, then you need to find out why you latch onto emotionally unavailable men. Great sex at the start of a relationship isn't a strong glue with men who don't feel the same way about you as you do for them.  It becomes the glue once you've determined, out of the bed, that you both have enough in common and both have the desire to go the distance with one another.

 

 

 

 

[Irridescent]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Great sex at the start of a relationship isn't a strong glue with men who don't feel the same way about you as you do for them. 

I agree with you, and appreciate the comment. However he was the first to tell me he loved me. We connected on an emotional level, he says he's never felt so comfortable speaking openly with someone. Our connection was real and beyond just amazing sex. He started drifting before the talk of corona began and now it feels more like an excuse. 

[Rex12]

Don't beat yourself up Irridescent. You met, there was a spark, then a connection after he's started to make all the right noises. 

I do appreciate though it's a horrible place to find yourself in if it is a recurring theme. As a for instance, in recent times, I have ruined two good relationship prospects by being uncertain & flakey with my behaviour only to realize too late that I wanted more. Do as Kendahke suggests; review & learn if necessary. 

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

Find a way to self soothe

I agree. It's an anxious time and even the most solid relationships will be tested. But you got to be ok on your own first before any relationship will really work, that's my take on it.

[Supernova11]

I wouldn’t hold out for him at all. I would end it and block. I know it’s so hard when someone tells you they love you and everything seems so great and then it starts falling apart.

I should just put in my signature “watch mouth of the ape” videos but there is this dude on youtube (good looking dude btw 😊) he has a channel called mouth of the ape. He has tons of really helpful advice on dealing with a breakup.

I do think you need to end this and I don’t think you owe him much of an explanation. A phone call is enough and then block him. 

 

[Irridescent]

Thanks for all your input. He called me last night at 8 PM to tell me that he won't make it.. well thanks I had figured that out. I told him what I needed from him and he said he would try to be more present but that he's really overwhelmed right now and can't make me a priority... I'm not sure what that means really because he said "love you" before hanging up but I've accepted it's over.

[kendahke]

On 3/26/2020 at 1:17 PM, Irridescent said:

Our connection was real and beyond just amazing sex.

Take this time and go on  youtube and watch Derrick Jaxn videos and Terri Cole videos.

[Luna66star]

Men can say I love you to get into your panties.  They know it lowers a woman's boundaries.  Perhaps he played you.  Did he tell you his intentions from the start?  Was he looking for a relationship or just to play the field?

Some people are very good actors.  They seem so into you and suddenly poof! 

The other option is that he's really not feeling it.  Maybe he met someone else  or you were just too available.  You can be totally taken for granted in this type of situation.

Sounds to me like you need to move on with your life.  HE'S  not interested, sorry.

[Realitysux]

I hate to say it but you what are you going to do, date during the coronavirus. This is going to last months! I think China is still getting cases. I think you need to weigh out the pros and cons. You have options but don't keep texting him! .. 1.) You can stop texting him immediately and let him come to you. You can wait to respond and make him chase you a bit. It might work no? 

2.) You can break up with him and spend the coronavirus depressed and alone trying to get over a break up and constantly ranting on this forum (it's so great)

3. Or you can talk to him and ask him flat out why he is more distant.

The relationship is still fairly new at 6 months so my guess is that he's loosing interest and 1 is the best option.

Edited March 28, 2020 by Realitysux

[Irridescent]

On 3/28/2020 at 1:36 AM, Realitysux said:

I hate to say it but you what are you going to do, date during the coronavirus. This is going to last months! I think China is still getting cases. I think you need to weigh out the pros and cons. You have options but don't keep texting him! .. 1.) You can stop texting him immediately and let him come to you. You can wait to respond and make him chase you a bit. It might work no? 

2.) You can break up with him and spend the coronavirus depressed and alone trying to get over a break up and constantly ranting on this forum (it's so great)

3. Or you can talk to him and ask him flat out why he is more distant.

The relationship is still fairly new at 6 months so my guess is that he's loosing interest and 1 is the best option.

I absolutely agree with you.. I've gone for option 1 and keeping myself busy. If he really loves me he'll come around when he's less overwhelmed and if not, I just need to accept it and move on. 

Thanks for the suggestions and support

[Irridescent]

Thought I'd give an update here. I went with option 1 and didn't initiate, and he didn't either. I went ahead and asked him what's going on after 2 weeks of silence and said that if he needs a break or some space I would understand but I'd rather he just tell me so that it's clear. He answered "yes I have been distant but it's not about you. I'm not trying to push you away but I do need time to figure some stuff out". 

It's been another 2 weeks since that message and I haven't heard anything from him. I know I need to move on, and I've been battling these  feelings for months now but it's so hard to focus on anything else since I can't socialize and I'm stuck alone with my thoughts. 

[stillafool]

Some guys will tell you anything but the truth in order to save face.  If he told you it's over that would make him look like a liar because he also told you he loves you so he makes up excuses and still doesn't contact you.  If you hadn't reached out you probably wouldn't have heard from him at all.  I was on another forum the other day and guys were talking about how they will tell a woman anything they think they may want to hear to get laid.  They were even saying that the sex is better when the woman thinks you love her.  I wouldn't try contacting him again if I were you because I'm sure you are tired by now of hearing his lies.  He's interested in someone else.

Edited May 6, 2020 by stillafool

[kendahke]

On 3/26/2020 at 1:17 PM, Irridescent said:

However he was the first to tell me he loved me.

When this is said and there is no consistent behavior to back it up over time, then what he really said was he loves how he feels about himself when he is with you, not that he loves you.

Edited May 6, 2020 by kendahke

[Irridescent]

11 hours ago, kendahke said:

 he loves how he feels about himself when he is with you, not that he loves you.

Wow I really think you're right.. thank you, I needed to read that. 

[Luna66star]

I really think this guy is fading out on you.  It happens to the  best of us.  Sleeping with him too soon may have caused it.  He does not  have to court you, prove himself or do anything else for that matter.  You are there & available to him 24/7.    I've made this mistake before.  The guy started to show less passion or interest in me as a person.  He got the sexual privileges me right away - which was a mistake on my part.

Sorry but you need to move on.  He's trying to be nice about it with you I suspect to keep the door slightly ajar. In case he changes his mind.  Lots of men do this to keep the woman as a backup plan.

 

[Acacia98]

OP, this is what I think: in this particular case it doesn't matter why he's being flaky. I get the sense that regular, consistent and honest communication matters to you, even in times of crisis/stress. This particular guy isn't giving you that. So you're clearly incompatible.

Personally, I can't thrive in a relationship with someone who goes quiet when he's under pressure. I've tried. And it's been disastrous. To me, the ideal is someone who would talk to me about what he was going through and, if necessary, we would deal with it together. Someone else might be okay with the silent, disappearing type. And that's great. They can date each other. Me, I'll stick to the type of guy who shares my views of communication.

So it's okay if you want to end things. You don't have to feel guilty about it. The point of dating is to get to know someone well enough to figure out if you are compatible. And that's precisely what you've done.

[Uptown182]

On 3/26/2020 at 9:15 AM, Irridescent said:

Hello - first timer here

I've been seeing a guy for the past 6 months, in the beginning it was fiery and amazing, we couldn't get enough of each other, but since early February he's been more distant, he doesn't check in through text as often and was less involved in planning our next dates or would cancel last minute. I called him out on it and he told me he's just been really busy at work and overwhelmed but that he misses me and can't wait till we get time together again. I believed him and gave him space. On Sunday he promised me that he would make sure he would come see me after work sometime this week, and it's Thursday morning and I haven't heard from him. I texted him hello on Wednesday asking how his day was going, trying to start a conversation and he just said he's overwhelmed with work and sent me a kiss emoji.. 

I've decided that I'm worth more than this and I deserve someone who is willing to follow through. He claims he loves me but it all feels like empty words, I feel that it's really a case of out of sight - out of mind with him. I want to break up with him not because I don't like him, but because I don't like how he's treating me but I don't know how. I feel that our connection was worth more than a text breakup but now I'm thinking we don't have much choice.. especially with the lockdowns and restrictions happening due to Coronavirus, I would have thought that he would want to spend as much time with me as possible.

I can see clearly now that he's not as into me as he claims, or he's got some other girl on the side... it's just painful because I actually believed all the beautiful things he said to me and felt so close to him when we were physically together. I want to move on, but I know I'm weak enough to run back into his arms if he does turn up. I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me crazy, I want to be stronger than this, that's why I feel by writing it down maybe it will help me evacuate my feelings.... 

Thanks for reading, any suggestion or shared experiences would help.

Almost identical thing happened to me (you can read my threads about it) for me it was almost 7 months.  He ghosted/broke up with me using the excuse that he promised his ex wife he wouldn’t see anyone during this pandemic or else she wouldn’t let him see his kids.  I didn’t take it as a break up at the time since up until that point everything seemed fine and we were still seeing each other about twice a week.  The day after he told me that I texted him telling him I loved him and hoped he was feeling ok....he never responded and that was the last of him.  Like your guy, he always told me he loved me and was the first one to say it.  He was always good with words making me feel special and like he was super into me.  He told me we were serious, he would constantly ask me if I loved him as well.  So I was basically blindsided, this is not to say we had no issues but I didn’t think they were break up worthy.  Needless to say I was heartbroken, still am but it’s getting better. 

I know it’s hard right now, but it will get easier with time.  Just know this lockdown is going to make it harder than normal. I just want to say I’m not sure when he first told you he loved you but I’m assuming that was quite a while after you started having sex with him so I doubt he was telling he loved you to get sex.  I last saw my ex three days before he ended it and he told me he loved me as we were saying goodbye so I really had no idea anything was wrong.  I’m not sure where you’re located but I’m at the epicenter of this and I know the stuff going on is putting a lot of stress on people for economic reasons, so maybe that’s why he’s acting this way?  Still no excuse, but I just don’t think he’d go out looking for another woman in the middle of a pandemic lockdown.  Out of curiosity did you meet any of his family or friends and vice versa?

Stay strong and don’t reach out to him anymore.

[simpycurious]

Sometimes you simply have to LET SOMEONE GO....most often it is NOT EASY but by doing so you are also SETTING YOURSELF FREE (even if you do not realize it). If you have done all you can do then IT'S time.