Moving on?

[alliesaint]

Hi all, 

 

It's my first time doing this. I recently went through a breakup (about two weeks ago). We had been rocky for about a month. Back in February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me with a girl I had asked him to stop seeing that he used to hook up with because she had been stalking me, she'd wait around outside his work for him, and she tried having friends add me on social media platforms. When we became official last year he told me he'd respect that and stopped talking to her (or so I thought). Fast forward 6 months in and I honestly felt things were going great, trust was growing, the bond between us was growing, we were having a wonderful time. There were times where it would be uncomfortable because the girl would show up with mutual friends, or she would go workout where he works when I would be there and we would talk about it but drop the subject. Well back in February I was with him for a bit after he got off work and then he told me he was going home and let me know when he got home. As I was driving home, something in my guy was telling me he was lying. I've never done something so crazy.. but I drove to his house and he wasn't there. I called him and he was answering with "I'm in the middle of something" "give me a second" which was weird. So I waited there and he pulled up a few minutes later. Well to my surprise, he had this girl in his truck. I went crazy and started yelling and asking why he was with her. He told me she had waited around for him after work and just asked if they could meet up for a drink because she was stressing out over her work. He had just gotten to the bar (2 minutes away) when I FaceTimed him so he came back home and brought her with him to answer my call. I was so upset and I confronted him and found out he had slept with her 3 times back in November but that he hadn't done anything since then. He let me go through his phone and read all the conversations.

 

Anyway, I made the wrong choice of staying with him after that happened as he was persistent on trying to get me to talk to him. We decided to work on things but I never really forgave him for what he did to me. This was an issue because I started trying to control him, he would let me go through his phone, I'd ask him about suspicious things and it drove me crazy. A month after this (two weeks ago) we went out and drank a lot, we had a good time, but when we got home I asked him for his phone and he was really drunk he was like take it. I went into my car to charge it because it was dead and he came sprinting down and got very aggressive and tried to take it away. I quickly locked the doors and drove to the end of the street as I felt scared. He sped off 2 minutes later and it took me almost an hour to find him. When I found him he was completely enraged yelling at me that he was done and never wanted to see me again and that he wanted his phone back and he wanted to leave. He was super drunk.. I asked him to calm down and let me take him home or at least get him a ride. But it got out of control, he started yelling all these things at me and he ended up saying to me "you f***ed up you f***ed this up" and I totally lost it. I was so hurt from him saying that because he had been the one who had f***ed up and in that moment I wanted him to hurt the way he had hurt me.. it was a really bad fight, probably the worst fight I've ever had in a relationship. He broke up with me two days later after he asked for some time to cool off. It was super in the air though, because he kept telling me he didn't want to lose me but that he couldn't do this anymore, he didn't want another fight to break out and it get out of hand. He said he loved me but that what had happened was just too much, and he recognized that he had been the one to mess up and that's how we ended up there. He said he'd be there for me, that we could still be friends and I told him I couldn't put myself through that. He still contacted me a couple of times these past two weeks. I have a hard time with my anxiety so when I feel on edge I tend to reply or reach out. I know this relationship wasn't healthy for me at all.. but it just hurts so much because there was real love there. I don't know how to deal with all this pain and I'm just feeling weak that I can't ignore him or block him because I somehow want to try to fix what went wrong. How do I move on and let him go? 

[preraph]

He'll just try to make you the other woman now. He's not looking for one woman. He's looking for a situation where he can have more than one so there's no point in you hanging around for that. You can't be friends with him because he's going to be dating other people. You don't want to be the one he's hiding from the woman he's dating cuz you know how much that hurts. 

 

It doesn't sound like he has it in him to be who you wish he would be. No point in prolonging it and then falling backwards when you get bread crumbs and then finding out it's still going on because it will be. Sorry you're going through this. We always as women think that men care too much about us to hurt us like this, but they often care more about their own selfish desires. There are some good ones out there but they're certainly not super common. My best advice is when you start looking again to look for someone who has generally good ethics and maybe that will also apply to their sex life and relationship life 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, alliesaint said:

this relationship wasn't healthy for me at all.. but it just hurts so much because there was real love there. I don't know how to deal with all this pain and I'm just feeling weak that I can't ignore him or block him because I somehow want to try to fix what went wrong. How do I move on and let him go? 

This is a very human reaction to being hurt and betrayed, simply because the mind and heart don't often work in sync so soon after a break-up. Your mind knows it's best to get this guy out of your life; your heart needs more time to heal and understand it can't be fixed. It's still all so fresh.

Give yourself time and be patient with your ability to see things more logically. You will get there. I would tell him to respect your need to heal and stop contacting you. That won't be easy, but you won't recover any other way. 

[Supernova11]

You need to cut this guy out of your life. Go no contact. Block him on your social media, your phone. I know its so painful but you need him out of your life. You say he loves you but people demonstrate they love you by their actions, otherwise those three words mean nothing. He’s cheated on you multiple times, messed you about and hurt you. Trust me, you haven’t lost anything here.

[alliesaint]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. I've been struggling to see that I deserve so much better because of my feelings and not being able to let go of all the memories. I know it will take time, I am trying to stay optimistic. Right now I am just struggling with not talking to him, the pain, crying, anger, sadness, and not being able to leave my house for distractions. I've been struggling a lot with sleeping too. I don't know if anyone on here has any advice on how to pass this tough time being at home and with my troubles with sleep. 

 

Thank you!!

[alliesaint]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is a very human reaction to being hurt and betrayed, simply because the mind and heart don't often work in sync so soon after a break-up. Your mind knows it's best to get this guy out of your life; your heart needs more time to heal and understand it can't be fixed. It's still all so fresh.

Give yourself time and be patient with your ability to see things more logically. You will get there. I would tell him to respect your need to heal and stop contacting you. That won't be easy, but you won't recover any other way. 

Thank you! I had been feeling hopeless, but decided to just cut off all communication with him. He did say he would still be there for me because he cares, but I cannot put myself through that if I want to heal properly. Thanks again for your words. 

[Supernova11]

21 minutes ago, alliesaint said:

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. I've been struggling to see that I deserve so much better because of my feelings and not being able to let go of all the memories. I know it will take time, I am trying to stay optimistic. Right now I am just struggling with not talking to him, the pain, crying, anger, sadness, and not being able to leave my house for distractions. I've been struggling a lot with sleeping too. I don't know if anyone on here has any advice on how to pass this tough time being at home and with my troubles with sleep. 

 

Thank you!!

Re: advice with sleeping. I’m going to copy and paste some advice I gave in another post. I’ll do a separate post about keeping yourself occupied.

”In terms of sleep, you’ll get different view points about sleeping tablets. I personally think there can be a place for medication. Unfortunately though, depending on what you’re going through, sleeping pills don’t always zonk you out completely.

I don’t know a lot about sleeping pills but I have taken two medications in the past: nytol and zopiclone. I used zopiclone many years ago and they were amazing, especially if you took two! However, I had a tough time of it last year and zopiclone didn’t help it too much. That’s when my doctor suggested nytol. I was surprised because nytol is over the counter so I didn’t expect it to help much but it did! More than the zopiclone! My doctor did explain how the two drugs work differently but it was a bit over my head. Anyway, I took the nytol in the blue packet that you get over the counter (not the green herbal ones which you can find on the shop floor). Maybe you could discuss these drugs with your doctor, I don’t know.

Other things that helped with sleep last year, one of these was lavender. Some nights it helped me sleep, other nights I didn’t sleep very well but the lavender still helped me to relax so rather than lie awake agitated and ruminating, I was a bit more relaxed. I still use it because it does help me wind down for bed. You can buy these in boots:

- Sleep Better - Pillow Mist - by Tisserand

- Sleep Better - Massage and Body Oil - by Tisserand

Honestly, don’t knock it till you try it. I spray my pillow with the pillow mist and massage the body oil into my chest and arms and it really does unwind you (or at least it does me).

One last thing that again may help you sleep or may not actually help you sleep but can calm you down are relaxation tracks eg on spotify or youtube. They can help not only be relaxing you but taking your mind off your ex and onto something else. One track on spotify that I used a lot last year was called Deep Sleep Guided Meditation byPowerThoughts Meditation club. Some nights I slept, some nights it just calmed me down a bit.”

[Supernova11]

For advice on how to get through this difficult time. I always say there are two parts to getting over someone:

1) instigate no contact

2) start self focus

Self focus is a huge topic and a man who covers it very well has a channel on YouTube called mouth of the ape. He went through a brutal breakup and if you watch his videos, he goes over really good stuff and talks about self focus.

I know it’s hard to focus right now but here are 3 suggestions to start you off.

1) start a grateful diary. Keep it by your bed and in the morning write down 3 things you are grateful for. Then at night before you go to sleep, write 3 things you are grateful for. You won’t suddenly feel a million times better but what it’s doing is slowly reconditioning your mind. I’ve been doing this practice for a few years now as it’s a good general practice.

2) another journaling technique. When a negative thought comes into your head such as “I’ll never love anyone as much as my ex”, write it in your journal and then write 3 counter arguments e.g “My ex was not deserving of my love and I am able to love someone else who will actually love me back and treat my properly”. This practice is a type of self therapy.

3) Take stock of your life and re evaluate your goals. This doesn’t have to be heavy, it can be fun. Maybe start with picturing your ideal life. What would it look like? Forget men for a second. I’m talking about your ideal life with or without a partner. How are you spending your time? What kind of friends do you have? What kind of clothes do you wear? Where do you live? Just explore these things. And then choose something that you can work towards. For example, when I split up with my ex, I did a big finances overhaul exercise. Now I’m actually overpaying my mortgage 🙂

Definitely watch mouth of the ape and anything you want to discuss, we can discuss here too.

[alliesaint]

On 3/27/2020 at 2:30 PM, Supernova11 said:

For advice on how to get through this difficult time. I always say there are two parts to getting over someone:

1) instigate no contact

2) start self focus

Self focus is a huge topic and a man who covers it very well has a channel on YouTube called mouth of the ape. He went through a brutal breakup and if you watch his videos, he goes over really good stuff and talks about self focus.

Hello, 

Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I ended up doing no contact. It has been rough, but I don't feel a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I've been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I'm stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don't feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don't think I even want to talk to him. 

Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn't respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn't. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don't think I am there yet. Maybe it's just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship. 

On 3/27/2020 at 2:15 PM, Supernova11 said:

”In terms of sleep, you’ll get different view points about sleeping tablets. I personally think there can be a place for medication. Unfortunately though, depending on what you’re going through, sleeping pills don’t always zonk you out completely.

I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn't healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don't know how to explain it. 

On 3/27/2020 at 2:30 PM, Supernova11 said:

Definitely watch mouth of the ape and anything you want to discuss, we can discuss here too.

I looked him up and started watching his videos. I have only watched a select few and I really like his way of interpreting a breakup. I would probably want to watch a few more.. and then discuss them. Thank you for suggesting him! 

[Supernova11]

19 hours ago, alliesaint said:

 

Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I ended up doing no contact. It has been rough, but I don't feel a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I've been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I'm stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don't feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don't think I even want to talk to him. 

Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn't respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn't. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don't think I am there yet. Maybe it's just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship. 

I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn't healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don't know how to explain it. 

I looked him up and started watching his videos. I have only watched a select few and I really like his way of interpreting a breakup. I would probably want to watch a few more.. and then discuss them. Thank you for suggesting him! 

This is so good to hear! All of this! You are doing so well, I know the emotions are still going to come in waves - dont forget that but the key thing I can see here is - YOU ARE HELPING YOURSELF ✌️I hope some other posters get to read this.

Any time you want to talk self focus then thats great, just do quote post thing and I’ll respond. The best thing about a forum is you can exchange ideas and self focus is a big area for that. I still have to remind myself with the my last ex (luckily only a few months) of self focus especially as I still see him at work, so its good for me to chat with others but yeah self focus ends up going far beyond the breakup and with you for the rest of your life 😍

[alliesaint]

On 4/4/2020 at 7:15 AM, Supernova11 said:

This is so good to hear! All of this! You are doing so well, I know the emotions are still going to come in waves - dont forget that but the key thing I can see here is - YOU ARE HELPING YOURSELF ✌️I hope some other posters get to read this.

Any time you want to talk self focus then thats great, just do quote post thing and I’ll respond. The best thing about a forum is you can exchange ideas and self focus is a big area for that. I still have to remind myself with the my last ex (luckily only a few months) of self focus especially as I still see him at work, so its good for me to chat with others but yeah self focus ends up going far beyond the breakup and with you for the rest of your life 😍

Hello, 

I have been doing well overall. I did however cave and went onto his social media. I saw he added back some girls he had stopped talking to and unfriended while we were together. It kind of hit me hard knowing that he's back to his old ways. I think a part of me was hoping that he might be trying to use this time to work on himself or something. Sometimes I feel super ridiculous trying to always see the good in people. I guess I'm feeling angry more than anything right now. Not that I wanted us to get back together (well a part of me did) but I think it just stings a bit that he's out there going back to other girls and old habits. I know there's positive ways of looking at this but I am just struggling to really focus on all of that. 

 

I just wanted to come on here and vent. I don't want to feel this way. Today feels like it'll be rough, it's already affecting my focus on work. I just want to fast forward to a place where I;ve accepted what happened, learned from it, and healed. 

[preraph]

No time is a good time to go through this.  I feel bad for you.  You are doing good!  As I said, he's not looking for ONE woman.  He's looking for women who will look the other way (like that one who stalked him).  That's why he's hitting up all his old contacts again.  You really ought to block him.  I don't want what he's doing to have any impact on how you feel.  If you block him, it will help you move on.  It hurts to see what they're doing.  If they see what you're doing, that hurts too and you start to edit what you do or post to make them think some way.  Just saying.  But you're doing well as can be expected.  You'll be okay.  

[Supernova11]

2 hours ago, alliesaint said:

Hello, 

I have been doing well overall. I did however cave and went onto his social media. I saw he added back some girls he had stopped talking to and unfriended while we were together. It kind of hit me hard knowing that he's back to his old ways. I think a part of me was hoping that he might be trying to use this time to work on himself or something. Sometimes I feel super ridiculous trying to always see the good in people. I guess I'm feeling angry more than anything right now. Not that I wanted us to get back together (well a part of me did) but I think it just stings a bit that he's out there going back to other girls and old habits. I know there's positive ways of looking at this but I am just struggling to really focus on all of that. 

 

I just wanted to come on here and vent. I don't want to feel this way. Today feels like it'll be rough, it's already affecting my focus on work. I just want to fast forward to a place where I;ve accepted what happened, learned from it, and healed. 

Hey alliesaint

You will get there. I tell you that now 😊 The problem is that recovery isn’t linear. You’ll be feeling like you’re doing really well and then something comes along and knocks you sideways. That’s normal. You might feel like you should be doing better or that it isn’t normal but trust me, it’s normal. In a few days time, you’ll feel different again. I had a limited contact conversation with my ex this week (because we work together) and he was being really nice and afterwards it just killed me. Rest of the day, just felt so sad that he couldn’t stop his drug use for me but already I know there will be no contact until Tuesday (i.e that’s a good thing) and every day I get stronger, even if I don’t always feel it. And it’s the same for you.

I feel you when you say that you want to fast forward to a place where you’ve healed.  You’re in good company there with thousands, probably millions of others feeling the same way. There will simply come a day when you think of them and realise it doesn’t hurt in the same way...it feels kind of distant. My relationship before this one, I really thought I would never get over him. It took a good year, but actually this evening, I was in the garden and you know that song “Symphony” by Clean Bandit? Well I wouldn’t say it was our song but it used to be a song that was ‘one of ours’ because we both had been through dramatic circumstances before we met each other. Well, if I had heard that song a couple of years ago, I would have felt positively distraught. This evening I heard that song and then thought, “oh yeah that was our song wasn’t it “. No pain anymore.

I have a couple of questions

1) I’m guessing you have a type of lock down situation in Texas although I don’t know how limiting it is. How are you spending your time? What are you up to socially, can you still see some friends, are you skyping? What hobbies have you got going on?

2) Will you ever have to see him again in any social situation or can you basically do no contact from now on (apart from the fact that you snooped but don’t flog yourself too much with that fallen branch over there!)

 

[alliesaint]

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

The problem is that recovery isn’t linear. You’ll be feeling like you’re doing really well and then something comes along and knocks you sideways. That’s normal. You might feel like you should be doing better or that it isn’t normal but trust me, it’s normal. In a few daysust hits me and  time, you’ll feel different again.

Hello, 

Yes, I've definitely noticed that type of pattern over the last few weeks. I think it's a thing of me being busy, but then I'll have time to think, or he'll reach out, or I'll see a picture of him somewhere and it just hits me and my whole mood changes. I know it's not a linear process, it's just tough trying to pick myself back up after falling so low. I've done it before, so I know I can do it again, but wow it's been so rough. 

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

I had a limited contact conversation with my ex this week (because we work together) and he was being really nice and afterwards it just killed me.

That's rough that you have to work with your ex, I've been there before and it requires such strength to deal with seeing them all the time. Funny thing, that ex I had that I work with is now actually one of my closest friends! Props to you for staying strong and picking yourself back up  

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

I was in the garden and you know that song “Symphony” by Clean Bandit? Well I wouldn’t say it was our song but it used to be a song that was ‘one of ours’ because we both had been through dramatic circumstances before we met each other. Well, if I had heard that song a couple of years ago, I would have felt positively distraught. This evening I heard that song and then thought, “oh yeah that was our song wasn’t it “. No pain anymore.

I've definitely felt that, and I know that one day I'll look back on this and feel just like you've described your experience. Thanks for sharing that with me, it gives me so much hope. 

 

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

1) I’m guessing you have a type of lock down situation in Texas although I don’t know how limiting it is. How are you spending your time? What are you up to socially, can you still see some friends, are you skyping? What hobbies have you got going on?

Yes, we're on lockdown, we can only leave our homes to get groceries... they recently enforced it more and decided to close off all parks too and I had been walking my dogs around the park. I guess it felt kind of like an extra kick when they closed the parks too, so I haven't tried taking walks around my neighborhood yet. I will try to get myself to do that later today. I am communicating with friends daily. It's weird cause sometimes I'm so sad that I don't even want to do that.. but I still reach out. I also work, I have two jobs, so I am trying to follow a strict schedule from 8 AM to around 5, 6 PM every day. It takes up a good portion of my day, but because I am at home, it's 100x harder to focus. As far as hobbies, I have been playing piano, watching a series with my dad, and I'll go outside and try some yoga/meditation at least once a day. I am trying my hardest to keep busy, and it has helped, but I still have my very low moments/days. 

2) Will you ever have to see him again in any social situation or can you basically do no contact from now on (apart from the fact that you snooped but don’t flog yourself too much with that fallen branch over there!)

Well, yes I don't have to see him. There are things that he has of mine and I have of his that I would probably want to get/give back. I would mostly just see him at school (we both study the same thing) but it's good it's online now, and also at the gym, but I am ending my membership once the end of May comes around. The quarantine is good because I can't go and  see him there. I think NC is possible from here on out, the only thing that has been nagging at my brain is that his birthday is on Monday. Everything tells me not to reach out to him and wish him a happy birthday, but at the same time, everything tells me to do it. Do you have thoughts on this? 

 

Thank you for listening  

[alliesaint]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

No time is a good time to go through this.  I feel bad for you.  You are doing good!  As I said, he's not looking for ONE woman.  He's looking for women who will look the other way (like that one who stalked him).  That's why he's hitting up all his old contacts again.  You really ought to block him.  I don't want what he's doing to have any impact on how you feel.  If you block him, it will help you move on.  It hurts to see what they're doing.  If they see what you're doing, that hurts too and you start to edit what you do or post to make them think some way.  Just saying.  But you're doing well as can be expected.  You'll be okay.  

Yeah, me seeing things he was up to really affected me, and I kind of felt like I was at a point where I thought I could handle it (since I was having a few good days). It just came back and the sadness hit me. I will probably end up blocking him.. I'm not there yet. I have however, gone back to muting him. I know it's easy to cave and still go look, but I will make it my mission to not do that from now on. Thank you for responding and reassuring me that I am handling this the best I can! 

[preraph]

You're really doing well.  This is just not easy.  It will get better.  

[Supernova11]

20 hours ago, alliesaint said:

Yes, we're on lockdown, we can only leave our homes to get groceries... they recently enforced it more and decided to close off all parks too and I had been walking my dogs around the park. I guess it felt kind of like an extra kick when they closed the parks too, so I haven't tried taking walks around my neighborhood yet. I will try to get myself to do that later today. I am communicating with friends daily. It's weird cause sometimes I'm so sad that I don't even want to do that.. but I still reach out. I also work, I have two jobs, so I am trying to follow a strict schedule from 8 AM to around 5, 6 PM every day. It takes up a good portion of my day, but because I am at home, it's 100x harder to focus. As far as hobbies, I have been playing piano, watching a series with my dad, and I'll go outside and try some yoga/meditation at least once a day. I am trying my hardest to keep busy, and it has helped, but I still have my very low moments/days. 

You sound like you’re doing really well even though it’s hard. Hey, I too play piano and do yoga, what about that?

20 hours ago, alliesaint said:

I think NC is possible from here on out, the only thing that has been nagging at my brain is that his birthday is on Monday. Everything tells me not to reach out to him and wish him a happy birthday, but at the same time, everything tells me to do it. Do you have thoughts on this? 

Thank you for listening  

Yeah, I know you might even feel slightly mean for not reaching out but don’t do it. Here’s why. If he was a decent person and you didn’t reach out for his birthday, he would understand. If he he isn’t a decent person, then it doesn’t matter whether he understands or not.

This is all about you now. It has nothing to do with him and the times that you’ve snooped are minor setbacks. You are going to “get your s*** together” simply by going through this breakup process, even though it is going to be hard at times. You need to look after yourself and treat yourself too. Even foods which are good for you like really nice fruits like melon - I love melon! And the odd occasional naughty food treat. As each day passes and your brain has time to process the breakup, the ‘reptilian’ part of the brain will stop crying out after him. It really is no contact, self focus, time...no contact, self focus, time...