How to connect with spouse (10 yrs)

[violetfirefly]

Hi there,
 
Sorry this is so long but I really need help. I hope someone could please help me. Ideally, I would see a Psychologist or Psychiatrist but I cannot afford help right now. Everywhere is locked down but I cannot continue to hurt my spouse who I love so much and need to change as soon as possible. 
 
A little about me: I have social anxiety disorder and depression due to severe trauma (sexual, physical and especially verbal) from my past and I'm really struggling with how to connect with spouse of 10 years who I love so, so much. He is my absolute dream, even after 10 years. He really loves me but is understandably hurt because of my past with him. I have not been a good partner bc in the past, I was a former alcoholic and drug user and thankfully, haven't used either for years) and lied and even though I am very loving and loyal now, the damage is done. He even quit drinking for me and sacrificed so much of his life for me and still currently is (he is letting me go to school while I work even though he wants to do both and finish his Masters. It is a complicated situation regarding the foreign country we are living in). Anyway, I want to know how to show how I care for him on a daily basis. I really would do anything for him.

On a day-to-day basis (and I know this will seem like a huge departure from what I just mentioned), I have realized during this lockdown (and in general) that I am not sure how to connect with him on a casual level and like how people do in general. I struggle with conversation because I have very low emotional intelligence and I am not socially aware. I am quickly learning. It is tough though because I am very intelligent but sometimes cannot understand very basic things like connecting with others. 

I have inadvertently burnt a lot of bridges with him (examples: when he tried to watch tv shows with me, when he tried to watch movies, played various games, etc) since I was so anxious and depressed all the time, I was scared to do new things (anxiety) and also had no motivation (depression) even though parts of me really wanted to do things. Now I have learned to not allow my emotions to dominate everything in my life and to push through. I now understand the importance of bonding (growing up, I really was on my own when it comes to social interactions), but he is not trying anymore to do those hobbies that he tried in the past.
 
How can I connect with him? (actionable steps). We both understand that all loving relationships take work, and I understand he feels defeated and like he had tried everything with me. Now I understand I need to find ways about how to bond, but under the worldwide lockdown and situation, I am not sure how to do that while being at home with him 24/7. I understand I cannot expect to be non-stop fun and a constant form of entertainment for him. 

The thing is, we don't really have a lot of shared hobbies right now but we did in the past. What are hobbies you share with your spouse? (we do not go out at all now due to the lockdown, and, we are in a foreign country). I am happy with just being in his presence and so is he, but, I want to learn how to connect with small loving actions or just small actions in general. How do I do this? I know that seems like a no-brainer for most people but understand I have a very deep history with abuse and have not learned proper social skills.

I am willing to try watching different shows or doing things at home (we kinda dont have any choice as we are all on lockdown) but I am not sure about which things or how to bring up different topics (not out of fear of judgment or rejection but bc I am unsure how to be casual in conversation sometimes/I put too much pressure on myself).

The good thing is that he reads articles and discusses them with me and vice versa and we share a few laughs but I am always putting on my pressure to talk to him and be funny but I am pressuring myself too much that I come off as contrived. I am really at a loss and unsure how to connect on a day-to-day *casual* communication with him (or others) and sexually with him and need help. I have a growth mindset and so does he, we are both very open-minded (yes, even though he is very hesitant to pursue the hobbies he tried in the past but he is still open and willing to try any new suggestions from me but I feel like I'm not creative). We always open to change and am adaptable but we both don't know how to learn how to connect due to past baggage (some briefly mentioned above) and we desperately want to connect. I want to connect with him. He is the only person that knows me and loves me and understands me so much. I know it is not too late because we both love each other so much and *are* willing to do whatever we can to make it work (that is half the battle IMO, the willingness to make things work). Unfortunately I cannot afford a Psychologist or Psychiatrist right now. 
 
I also need to mention we both really, really and deeply love for and care for each other but he has been so hurt by my lack of inactions and broken promises and I do not know how to connect (which seems to come naturally for people). Please help me  He wants to give up but I know how kmuch he loves me. I really do not want to lose the only person who means so much to me. It feels so horrible as he has been so amazing to me. He is very communicative and expressive about how he feels and I just have difficulties knowing what to say to connect. Or how to be funny. People have called me boring in the past so I keep unfortunately repeating this in my mind, although I know I have a lot of great things in me, I just have severe social anxiety and depression. 
 
Thank you so much for your help. 

Edited March 28, 2020 by violetfirefly

[preraph]

Do you have any board games or a deck of cards?  As long as you let him win every now and then and don't just beat him down with it, those could be a nice pastime that you can connect over. 

 

You know even if you're mainly staying home because of the virus, it's okay to go out and go for a walk as long as you stay away from people or even do something like go fishing out someplace remote or you won't be running into people. 

 

You can also just get in the car and drive around a local lake or Park. Just to get out of the house. You could ride bicycles together. Do you have any pets? Pets really give you something to talk about with each other. Do you have kids?

 

Does he have any outdoor hobbies? You could ask him to teach you how to play his favorite video game or one that he thinks you might like that you maybe could do together. 

 

You don't have to do all of it in one day. If you could just think of something different to do once every other day it would liven things up and give you a little break from the monotony. Thing is if you don't do things you don't really have anything to talk to each other about. 

 

 

[schlumpy]

If you are as damaged as you described then it could take years of professional help to recover what you think you have lost. Since you can't afford that I suggest you read and turn to self-help books and videos. You have to be just as picky and choosy with them as you would a counselor. 

How about coming to terms with your limits? Arrange your life so that you avoid those situations that bring out your anxieties and awkwardness. Then you can work on those qualities that you seek to improve without stress.

Bonding with your partner is a personal thing. Does he enjoy coffee or tea? How about bringing him some when he doesn't expect it?

When you are on the couch watching TV try lying down with your head in his lap.

Be spontaneous and kiss or hug him just because you want to.

Hold his hand when you are out and about to let him and the world know you are a couple.

Use the pronoun "We" instead of I or me whenever possible.

Tuck him into bed at night. Fuss over his health. Take an interest in how he dresses.

Not everyone is a social butterfly or needs to be. You can live a quality life with your partner even with your perceived shortcomings. Lots of people do.