A12345 Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 Hi Guys, I'm sure there's been a lot of posts on this topic on here and all over the internet (which I have read tons of). I specifically wanted to know why exes come back after a period of NC and breadcrumb/initiate contact and make conversation while still in a relationship with their rebound. My ex recently reached out a week ago and has been talking almost every day - initiating convo EVERY time, sending selfies, videos of herself, having banter (sometimes borderline flirty banter), opening up about some deep stuff, and then sometimes also ghosting a bit. Very hot and cold. Why might this be? I can't work out her intentions - I made it very clear to her I didn't want a friendship, and she has been posting quite a few pictures of her current BF since getting back in contact with me, dropped in conversation once that she was emotional and upset about something to do with him and her being insecure but I cut that convo off and told her to talk to her friends about him not me. Like I said she's still in her relationship (got with him a mere few days after we broke up and she was the dumper), and seems 'happy' according to social media, professing they love eachother (from early on actually, after 1 month), and I guess if she's crying over him because she's insecure then she must like him/love him a hell of a lot (the way I see it). So why is she doing this? Any thoughts/perspective/opinions much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 It can be to expiate guilt. If you (the scorned lover) talk with them, then how bad can they be? There could be a part of them that misses you. None of us can turn off our emotions overnight unless it's due to a traumatic event. It took me a year to get over my ex fiancée. Your best move is to dump her off social media just like she dumped you. Don't follow the bread crumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author A12345 Posted March 28, 2020 Author Share Posted March 28, 2020 6 minutes ago, schlumpy said: It can be to expiate guilt. If you (the scorned lover) talk with them, then how bad can they be? There could be a part of them that misses you. None of us can turn off our emotions overnight unless it's due to a traumatic event. It took me a year to get over my ex fiancée. Your best move is to dump her off social media just like she dumped you. Don't follow the bread crumbs. Hey Schlumpy, thanks for your reply! I confronted her about the guilt part and she said it wasn't out of guilt but of course she could just be saying this. She hasn't acted guilty (she had a lot of guilt straight after the BU and acted different then). I mean she did apologise for the first time since the BU and it did sound genuine. I have taken her off social media (deleted her) and deleted her number. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for reconciliation down the line, so I don't think blocking her would be the best thing because how else is there supposed to be reconciliation if all communication is cut? I'm not going to be initiating any conversations and I'm only going to reply short and polite if she contacts... Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 28, 2020 Share Posted March 28, 2020 If she knows where you live and can look up your phone number then that's all she needs. Preferably she should knock on your door. You can't go back to what you had. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author A12345 Posted March 28, 2020 Author Share Posted March 28, 2020 I definitely don't want to go back to what we had and have done a lot of self-growth since the BU and have accepted that it's over and any potential relationship with her in future would be an entirely new one. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 On 3/28/2020 at 2:29 PM, A12345 said: I definitely don't want to go back to what we had and have done a lot of self-growth since the BU and have accepted that it's over and any potential relationship with her in future would be an entirely new one. It doesn't usually work that way, OP. Human memory doesn't erase past experiences, the dynamic that existed, the way people connect and disconnect from each other. It's true that people can sometimes make positive changes and work things out, but it doesn't happen by trying to ignore or bury the past. It's just not realistic. The "let's wipe the slate clean!"-approach many exes want to take is incredibly difficult to pull off in practical terms. The past happened for a reason, and much as we might try to overlook it, it does inform who are now - including in romantic relationships, especially when talking reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 That's why it's best to block exes after it's over so you don't receive breadcrumbs that disturb your peace. Why haven't you blocked her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) On 3/28/2020 at 8:13 AM, A12345 said: she has been posting quite a few pictures of her current BF since getting back in contact with me, dropped in conversation once that she was emotional and upset about something to do with him and her being insecure . So why is she doing this? Mainly because you give her an audience. As long as you keep to that fantasy about a reconciliation and dont' block her, she's going to keep on coming to you with her boyfriend woes. And why would you want her after she's been with some other guy? She chose them over you, so what's up? also because she's using you to help her feel better about dumping you. Quote Any thoughts/perspective/opinions much appreciated. Do not let her turn you into her male girlfriend--because that's what girlfriends talk about--their relationships. Right now, you should be on no contact with her, not letting drop in whenever she feels like it. Edited March 30, 2020 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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