Guilty

[Febbow]

So,

I am hoping to get some advice or just share some information I've been bottling up. 

I have been married for 10 years. We have two kids (under 8 . I love my husband. He's a great dad and man. I don't find him attractive sexually. I haven't done for years. We got together because I chose with my head. He was a mutual friend and I knew a kind and gentle soul. 

Over the years he's been critical slightly. He's very intelligent. Loves the power of being smart. I feel sometimes he's found me embarrassing. In company he has rolled his eyes and pulled me up on immature comments or vulgar ones.  This has lead me to shut down a little. He always apologises. We always talk. We communicate really well. 

Since the kids were born I've slept with them. Extended breastfed. Made them my primary focus. He's been supportive. He is the breadwinner. He is kind and helps provided I make it clear what I need (mostly). We were intimate physically once a week. Mostly on my part through a sense of duty. I didn't really want to. Very much a martyrs. Will do things and put myself last and push help away. So I've become resentful at times when he didn't see that and insist on helping anyway (silly hey?). 

Last year , I met another man through a parent group . He's also married with similar aged kids. We had instant attraction (first time.ive felt that way since husband) and soon an emotional affair began. I did try to stop it on numerous occasions both early on and then last December properly. We met a few times. Held hands and kissed. No sex. He's very different to my husband. Incredibly artistic and creative. Much more emotionally supportive and wordy. Masculine and manually skilled. He is a stay at home dad. 

So I tried to shut it down. The guilt was horrendous. I knew all about brain chem and focused on the craziness of conceiving the practicalities of us really living together after breaking two families up. He says him and his wife haven't been properly together for three years despite living together. Who knows. I think I trust him. We have met in group situations a lot. I know his friends. He seems like a genuine person. And I think have fallen in love. He seems much better suited personality wise. We bounce off each other so beautifully. I truly can imagine in some other universe us being happy. He communicates well. He's thoughtful, respectful and listens always. He makes me laugh and me him way more so than my husband does or ever has. 

So we finished in December. I had the worst two months of silence ever. We didn't contact. And yet had all these mutual friends and events. He admits to feeling completely lost and depressed. I felt this way also despite trying to see it as a good action. 

We ended up talking again around my birthday early Feb. Then we said.we would go really slow. Stop the emotional affair. Keep each other in our lives but back off and slowly get to know each other over time . Of course this hasnt worked. Although no physical affair.. the tension is crazy when we meet in a group. And the emotional affair is again happening.

This virus has made.me realise how short life is. How the idea of me living in a pretty ok but sexually dead marriage is depressing both for myself and for my kkind lovely husband to have to endure. Even if I fake. I wish I hadn't met this other guy. I was happy enough I think. Although I think lonely. I've made so many mistakes in the marriage. So many. I take full responsibility. I have talked deeply to my husband , not mentioning this other man, about how the spark isn't there. We have identified the need to work a lot harder to try and fix old patterns. But he said he was happy and the spark has always been there for him. He is willing to go to counselling etc. He's been so patient while I mourned the 'break up' not.knowing what was up with me. Given me much time. Been kind and sweet. I have read and listened to spiritual stuff and to relationship gurus. I have strived to dislike the other man. To see his faults and focus on those and yet I've fallen deeper in love with him. The thought of being with him is so very exciting. I think we would be good..have the spark and crazy attraction and also the deeper ability to communicate and support each other emotionally. 

In an ideal world I'd love to date him. Watch him in many more realistic situations. See how he copes with stress and money etc. I can't though. 

So to wrap up.. 

What do I do. This guy wants to leave his wife and be with me. He's happy to take that slowly. 

I hate to think of breaking my husband's heart. It would kill him. I come from a family where my dad did similar to my mum. Horrendous. I love and care for him. 

This is what I think I should do:

Finish with the other guy (going to break both of our hearts again!! And we have so many shared friends and events , I won't be able to truly avoid him . Our kids are great friends 😭 our son's play as a group online most days.. ) 

Go to individual counseling and then couples counseling. Fake it til we make it or at least fully try.

Maybe look other guy up in future if and when I've gracefully and with nobility left my marriage. See if we can start from there. 

I just feel so sad. So stressed and guilty. And a little concerned i am making the wrong decision by walking away from a potentially pretty amazing match (or appears to be!)..

Thanks so much for reading. 

 

[WilyWill]

Hard for me to feel sorry for you. You fooled a man into marrying you when you didn't feel any spark for him. Now you're happy to have his financial support while you live a dime-novel double-life.

Do the decent thing and divorce your husband. Have the integrity to give him a good settlement as payment for the wrongs you've done to him.

[DKT3]

It sounds like two different people wrote your opening post.

You say you've never been attracted to your husband,  and basically moved out of the bedroom the first chance you got, then you go on to blame your husband because you have no connection.  You do realize how contradictory this is?

Bottom line, you married a guy for the wrong reasons and are now try to blame him for it.

Also, you are being a bit dramatic,  your husband will be hurt if you walk away but long term he will be much happier with a woman who respects and desires him, your children will adjust. But ultimately,  I dont think any of that is what concerns you, like many wayward spouses your concerns are far more self centered. I also suspect that your husband is a far better earner then your boyfriend is.

Edited March 28, 2020 by DKT3

[Febbow]

Thanks to you both. Sobering words. You're both right. Time to grow up and accept responsibility fully. I've been pathetic. This post was pathetic. I think it's helped though. So I appreciate your 'get real' advice. 

[preraph]

I just want you to understand the odds of dating this married man.  They rarely EVER leave their wives or are really looking to.  They are looking for an additional woman, not a replacement.  This is by far the norm.  They seem to always be able to convince the other woman they're unhappy and will leave them, but push comes to shove, they don't.  I doubt he's any different.  It's very easy to be starry eyed on someone you barely ever see and don't have to navigate a real everyday life with, you know.  

[K.K.]

I skimmed your post. The only part i needed to see was there. “He said he was going to leave his wife “ 

Girrrrl, no he’s not. It’s not real. It’s a fantasy. Something to do on a Wednesday. [insert any other day of the week there] 

You best try to get those feelings back for your husband or get out of the marriage. Either way it ain’t gonna be with this Romeo. 

[mark clemson]

If you blow up your life either for this guy or to "do right' by your husband, end your mediocre marriage, and he gets cold feet, then what? Where does that leave you? A divorcee with 2 young kids. Oh that's a wonderful place to be, every girl's dream. Even if you're very attractive, most single men will only want you for a fling. The divorced dads/going "Brady bunch" will be your most likely option, and that probably only once the kids are quite a bit older.

Are you financially prepared for 5+ years of single motherhood in the post-COVID economy? Do you have sufficient family/friends to help watch the kids when they come home from school but you work? If you really wish to choose divorcing your beta male provider, you have a LOT of serious logistics to work out. You seem to be thinking with your heart, not with your head. Many people have had their lives seriously ****ed up taking that approach.

You're post above isn't pathetic IMO. You've made some serious errors in judgement and now you need to consider, and eventually make, some difficult decisions (one way or the other). I don't think divorce is something to take lightly at all. Also, beyond kissing there has been little PA as of yet, so this is mostly "yearning".

 

2 hours ago, Febbow said:

I hate to think of breaking my husband's heart. It would kill him. I come from a family where my dad did similar to my mum. Horrendous. I love and care for him. 

This is what I think I should do:

Finish with the other guy (going to break both of our hearts again!! And we have so many shared friends and events , I won't be able to truly avoid him . Our kids are great friends 😭 our son's play as a group online most days.. ) 

Go to individual counseling and then couples counseling. Fake it til we make it or at least fully try.

Maybe look other guy up in future if and when I've gracefully and with nobility left my marriage. See if we can start from there.

This doesn't seem like a "pathetic" plan to me. The issue is you need to actually fully resolve to be done with the other guy, minimize (I'd say end) contact as much as possible, be done with him, and reinvest in your marriage.  Your husband wants your marriage to work (although it's true he doesn't know all the info). You can't fully respect him since you crossed the kissing line and consider it an EA, but since that was all, I'd say you can respect him "enough "if you bury this thing completely and fully recommit to him and the marriage. It may come back to bite you if the EA is ever revealed, but should you go this path, you need to cover your tracks fully.

Personally I wouldn't wish single motherhood (or fatherhood) on anyone in what's likely to be the coming post-COVID economic trainwreck.

[Els]

I really wish I could talk to every young woman who's considering marrying a man whom she feels zero attraction for, shake her shoulders and ask her "What are you THINKING?!". Sex and attraction obviously isn't the only important thing in a relationship, but it is ONE of the important things,  and without it you will find yourself coming to the junction that you are at now.

Unfortunately there is no turning back time now. For you, it's a tough choice to make. Whatever you do, do NOT choose the infidelity route and ESPECIALLY not with a MM! If you do decide to leave and split custody with your husband, then and only then should you every consider being with another man. For now you are still married, and you must consider the impact of your decisions on your children.

[preraph]

The trouble is that can go away anyway.  I wasn't with anyone long enough for it to go away, but I know it could.  I could see myself flipping off like a light switch if things got too familial.  

Edited March 28, 2020 by preraph

[Febbow]

I truly thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply. I think by keeping this information to myself that I've sent myself a little mad with self hate and guilt.  All brought entirely on myself! I deserve to feel this pain and turmoil now. I guess it's a good wake up call to make the right decisions from now on in. Firm and respectful actions. Change my behaviour and stop the fantasy and any contact with the other man.  I'm glad I posted here this evening . Really glad! Thank you.  My husband deserves way better. I'm going to try harder to forge an intimate connection and certainly never betray his trust again. Healthy strong boundaries. If our marriage fails to work out , then and only then can I walk away feeling happy and proud of my actions . 

I'm applying for online individual counselling and exploring some childhood trauma. An anxious attachment style and fear of abandonment. Not ever to excuse my adult choices. Marriage counselling will follow . Determined to do the right thing from here on in.

 

[preraph]

Good men are hard to find.  I know this may seem strange, but what with your doing duty sex once a week, just be sure to "take care of yourself" in addition to that when he's not around.  That might help.  Or not.  Just a thought.

[HappiDays]

I reaffirm what has already been said and add that what you see isn't always what you get. 

You said the other guy is a stay at home dad. So if you were to choose him at some point does that mean that you would be the breadwinner in the new family? Would you be prepared to do that after being a stay at home mom? I'm assuming that's what you are now from your first post.

You have made a very wise decision about staying in your marriage and working on that. But be warned that the truly hard work is ahead of you....making it work. Since it sounds like you will continue to have the other man in your life in some way you are going to run into stumbling blocks, especially if he doesn't agree with your decision and wants to still try to tempt you. Just be aware of that possibility and have your guard up. Again, IMO, you have made the right decision and i wish you the best of luck. Remember the old saying that the grass is greener where you water it.

Just consider what I said above about what you see probably wouldn't be what you get.

Stay strong and committed. I really believe that in the years to come you will be glad you did.

 

[Buffer]

Hi Febbow

I hope you are doing what you need to do for all three areas, children, him and you. 
Your husband is a duty to you, sex weekly, children used to keep husband at bay, breast feeding and sleeping in separate rooms when you can. Your EA friend hasn’t really been there for you on down days, children sick, family stresses etc. He only sees you in group settings when you dress to impress most likely for him. 
Please be truthful to hubby, he has the right to know that you just aren’t into him just the life he provides Stability, Home etc. You can sweep this EA under the rug pretend the duty sex is good, and leave him when the children finish school. Doesn’t he deserve to be in a loving relationship with some one who wants him for who he is? Please tell him of OM and the EA.

Buffer

 

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, Febbow said:

Marriage counselling will follow . Determined to do the right thing from here on in.

Good luck (((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))

Lots of people have a 'companion marriage', counselling will help you decide if it's enough for you.

[healing light]

Have you never had a spark for your husband? That's what it sounds like. If so, I think you should be fair to him and let him go so he can find a woman that truly desires him. Life is too short to be living unfulfilled. I don't think chemistry is something you can work on or fake into reality if it was never there to begin with.

Practically speaking, the landscape of the economy will be changing. I do not think this other man sounds like a provider from what you've described, so in the unlikely event that he did leave his wife, I agree with the other posters that you should think about what that potential life would look like. It may be sobering, especially if both of you didn't have a solid career trajectory before children. Would you be the breadwinner? You don't know him well enough to know if he would step up--but you do know that he is willing to step out on his wife. And if your husband is as kind and gentle as you say, it's quite possible that the fantasy of this other man will be shattered as you get to see how he deals with the stresses in his life. As an aside from reading these forums, many wayward men claim that there is no intimacy for years in their marriage--only for that to be news to the wife, who often is still having sex with him.

I would firmly work on dissolving or committing to your marriage before you entertain bringing a third party into it.

[Febbow]

Maybe there was a spark of sorts but it was forced a little by me. Maybe I am looking back with a negative focus. He is definitely a good looking and awesome person. So maybe I need to stop telling myself the story above. And perhaps the individual counselling will help. I've listened to a lot of Alain de boton and read 'the true course of love'. It seems I have been entirely childish and allowed myself to be distracted by a new crazy strong (fantasy) of love. In doing so, Ive made horrendous excuses for my behaviour and conduct. It's really like something had become clear through posting here. 

I've not been an evil wife usa1ah. We are really good friends. I have supported and loved him (up until this). I have worked incredibly and ongoingly hard in other areas. I wouldn't have expected half of everything nor gone after that. But at the same time , in some ways you're entirely right. I have been really despicable in both my thoughts and actions. I need to own that, as uncomfortable as it is so that I properly wake up and stop and never do this again. You're also right that I should let him go if I can't give him better. At the same time, I think this could be the making of me and therefore us. I have a lot of hope. Today is a brand new day. Time to start behaving in the way he deserves and working to make myself proud rather the feeling the ongoing (very much deserved) guilt and teenage like love of drama and fantasy (actually an insult to teenagers..sorry). 

I appreciate the thoughts on post covid economy. However, money isn't my driving force in this at all. I think the driving force is the realisation of how close I've come to ruining my, my kids and my innocent husband's life's hankering after a new untested love that should never have been allowed to grow! Like standing now and seeing clearly the edge of the cliff. Counselling time for sure but right now new leaf. 

You've helped me more than you could ever know. I thank you beyond words.

P.s. before this I had absolutely no time for affairs. My dad had many and broke all of our hearts. I was ashamed of his behaviour. I thought his actions were cowardly , selfish and pathetic. He shouldn't have married or stayed married to my mum. Sighhh...and yet I chose to become him knowing all that ! Or almost!!... It stops here. No more. 

 

[Febbow]

The grass is always greener where you water it.. love that!! Thank you. I may have it tattooed on my head. Some really wise and wonderful advice here. Just rereading it. I am so touched that you've shared it with me. Blinkers very much off and brain/heart reactivated. I will reread many times over coming weeks. 

[heartwhole2]

I do wonder if you've rewritten your story with your husband. It sounds like you made the decision to marry him entirely practically, but then you let it slip that you haven't felt that spark "since your husband." 

One simple tip for bonding -- smell his armpits. Weird, I know. But it will help ignite the attraction you used to feel.

I think your plan -- individual counseling, then marriage counseling, and to deal with your marriage without the OM involved -- is the right course. Of course, with the specter of the OM there it's hard to view your marriage objectively. That should be a focus for you in counseling. 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

One simple tip for bonding -- smell his armpits. Weird, I know. But it will help ignite the attraction you used to feel.

 

It's not at all weird,  its Pheromones. Armpits release highest concentration of the body chemical that attracts the opposite sex. 

[heartwhole2]

I also think you should tell your husband. Once it's not a secret, it will lose a lot of its deliciousness. It will also greatly increase the chances that you will not relapse with the OM. And lastly, it's the right thing to do, because everyone deserves to know the truth about their own lives.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

I also think you should tell your husband. Once it's not a secret, it will lose a lot of its deliciousness. It will also greatly increase the chances that you will not relapse with the OM. And lastly, it's the right thing to do, because everyone deserves to know the truth about their own lives.

I used to think the truth was everything, but honestly- it's probably not. It's often just more of feeling obligated to 'go through the motions'. If you tell him, you burden him too and he'll also probably feel obligated to go through the motions, and maybe even end the marriage everyone except you is currently happy with. I personally think you should carry this guilt yourself, it's your consequences from your mistake. Do what feels right for you @Febbow it's your life and family and you know best.

[Bittersweetie]

I am going to agree with Heartwhole. In my experience as a WW, it's very easy to rewrite not only current situations with an H to fit your own narrative and justify your choices, but past experiences as well. My H and I were far apart, both physically and emotionally, when I had my affair. We reconnected and rebuilt a marriage, but that was after a d-day, when my H had his truth returned to him. It also took a lot of work for both of us, especially me, to rebuild. And my results are not guaranteed for others, as we are all different...my H could've easily chosen to just walk away from me and that would've been his right to do. Febbow, you have a challenging road ahead of you regardless of which way you go. I'd suggest deciding what kind of person you want to be moving forward, then stick to that path. I chose honesty and authenticity and while it hasn't been an easy road by any means I am much more content with my life than I ever was while in my affair. Good luck.

[Els]

18 hours ago, Febbow said:

I truly thank each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply. I think by keeping this information to myself that I've sent myself a little mad with self hate and guilt.  All brought entirely on myself! I deserve to feel this pain and turmoil now. I guess it's a good wake up call to make the right decisions from now on in. Firm and respectful actions. Change my behaviour and stop the fantasy and any contact with the other man.  I'm glad I posted here this evening . Really glad! Thank you.  My husband deserves way better. I'm going to try harder to forge an intimate connection and certainly never betray his trust again. Healthy strong boundaries. If our marriage fails to work out , then and only then can I walk away feeling happy and proud of my actions . 

I'm applying for online individual counselling and exploring some childhood trauma. An anxious attachment style and fear of abandonment. Not ever to excuse my adult choices. Marriage counselling will follow . Determined to do the right thing from here on in.

Happy to hear that! I think that your decision here is sound, and best of luck with the counseling.

[Febbow]

Thanks guys. Flip me I'm so glad I found this place and you amazing people!! I should really delete this thread but I'm going to totally need to revisit and reread until it's firmly in my head. Having your impartial views has helped me more than you'll ever know. So extremely grateful. Lots of work on the road ahead but I'm actually excited to put things right. Honesty and authenticity for sure from now on it! And respect!! 👌 As an aside related to this, i don't think I will tell my husband. I think I take the guilt myself (and I have lots) and take the sadness of shutting down the 'relationship' with OM. I truly don't want to damage the marriage further so it's not some selfish motive. I just need to make up for it all the more and NEVER repeat. 

Spot on.. I think we were so far emotionally and physically. I do think I've written the narrative somewhat.  Stopping being intimate just had made that worse. Sniffing armpits very much in my immediate future and just treating him like the amazing supportive person he is. I will learn from my mistakes and bulletproof my marriage. And if he ever has a similar experience , a)it'll serve me right and b) I will be so very understanding. Hopefully that won't happen though. 

 

[oldtruck]

6 hours ago, Febbow said:

Thanks guys. Flip me I'm so glad I found this place and you amazing people!! I should really delete this thread but I'm going to totally need to revisit and reread until it's firmly in my head. Having your impartial views has helped me more than you'll ever know. So extremely grateful. Lots of work on the road ahead but I'm actually excited to put things right. Honesty and authenticity for sure from now on it! And respect!! 👌 As an aside related to this, i don't think I will tell my husband. I think I take the guilt myself (and I have lots) and take the sadness of shutting down the 'relationship' with OM. I truly don't want to damage the marriage further so it's not some selfish motive. I just need to make up for it all the more and NEVER repeat. 

Spot on.. I think we were so far emotionally and physically. I do think I've written the narrative somewhat.  Stopping being intimate just had made that worse. Sniffing armpits very much in my immediate future and just treating him like the amazing supportive person he is. I will learn from my mistakes and bulletproof my marriage. And if he ever has a similar experience , a)it'll serve me right and b) I will be so very understanding. Hopefully that won't happen though. 

 

i advocate exposing affairs. the biggest peril is without exposing the affair the

WS avoids facing consequences.   Statistics show that when there are no consequences

the WS is more likely to have another affair again. so if you are not going to tell 

your BH then you need to see an IC to fix what is broken in you before you back

slide again and break your marriage with another affair.