Guilty

[Marc878]

On 3/28/2020 at 3:45 PM, Febbow said:

Last year , I met another man through a parent group . He's also married with similar aged kids. We had instant attraction (first time.ive felt that way since husband) and soon an emotional affair began. I did try to stop it on numerous occasions both early on and then last December properly. We met a few times. Held hands and kissed. No sex. He's very different to my husband. Incredibly artistic and creative. Much more emotionally supportive and wordy. Masculine and manually skilled. He is a stay at home dad. 

What do I do. This guy wants to leave his wife and be with me. He's happy to take that slowly. 

What are you going to live on? Love? That won’t last long when you can’t pay the bills.

Dont be surprised to find your new Prince Charming is a dead beat.

If he cheats on his wife he’ll cheat on you. If he hasn’t already been down this road before.

The one thing all cheaters have in common. They lie a lot. 

If you have contact this will continue. It always does. 

Better wake up!!! Maybe you should use all this energy on your current marriage?

 

[colingrant]

It's good that you came here before the physical part started. My thoughts

1. Affairs are REALLY deceiving in that, much like dating, you don't see the person's quirky side and flaws. They're buried under the laughter, admiration and butterflies. Nonetheless, he has them and they can't be seen, because of your view of him is completely covered by your image of him, which doesn't let his negative qualities been seen, or he doesn't reveal them until you've left your marriage, and then it's too late. Could be a combination of both also.  
2. I wouldn't entertain him until he leaves his wife. And while he's doing that I would try to reengage with your husband. Chances are he doesn't leave her to be honest. When the rubber meets the road, I bet he doesn't do it. Not to mention, his relationship may not be as bad as he's making it. Affairs have a tendency to make both betrayed spouses look even worse than what they actually are. In other words, your husband looks even less appealing because of the fantasy of your affair partner appearing real and same with your AP and his wife.
3. You're infatuated, but as an adult your misinterpretation of your emotions can and will lead you to make negative life altering and permanent changes. If you feel really strong about this, divorce your husband and go from there. It takes more courage, but is more manageable and better for all involved (kids). Remember them?
4. This is an extremely critical point in your life, so allow reality and not fantasy influence your decision making. I'm not suggesting any future love you have will be fantasy, but the one you're in at the moment may be. Until you have seen how this man is under pressure, when depressed, when angry with you,  when bored with you, or likes another woman at work........not until these situations come up will you know who he really is.
5. Right now, you only know a fraction of him, but seem willing to risk an entire marriage. Not worth it right now IMO.

[pepperbird]

21 hours ago, Ellener said:

I used to think the truth was everything, but honestly- it's probably not. It's often just more of feeling obligated to 'go through the motions'. If you tell him, you burden him too and he'll also probably feel obligated to go through the motions, and maybe even end the marriage everyone except you is currently happy with. I personally think you should carry this guilt yourself, it's your consequences from your mistake. Do what feels right for you @Febbow it's your life and family and you know best.

Unless the op can honestly say she will never, ever cheat again and there is zero chance her husband will find out any other way, she really should tell him. Those are practical reasons why she should tell him.One more really practical reaosn is that if she and her husband are to form a strong connection, it needs to be an honest one. I see so many people say "keep the secret and carry the guilt-your spouse will never know". In a perfect world, that might work, but it often comes up in other ways, poisoning a marriage that otherwise might ave stood a chance if it were built on honesty.

[DKT3]

OP its obvious you have been reading alot, your words are perfect. The problem is, words won't fix this, only actions.  With that being said what have you actually done to make those words true?

 

Time and time again we see wayward spouses come here full of guilt and remorse (not really. but they've convinced themselves it is) but continuing to make decisions with a wayward mindset. If you want a legitimate chance at an authentic relationship there has to be truth. 

What happens when one breaks trust in a relationship and attempts to conceal it,  it creates a wall in the relationship.  Fear of being found out, no matter how much they try to convince it's not possible,  forces one to be reserved,  to hold back and not be open. With that dynamic a truly authentic relationship is impossible.  

Sure you can maintain the kind of relationship that lead you to your affair,  but you've proven that doesn't work.

There is no part way, it's all in or all out. If you cant go all in you should walk away. Your husband deserves no less then that.

 

 

 

 

On 3/29/2020 at 8:43 AM, heartwhole2 said:

 

 

[Bittersweetie]

I am not going to push you one way or another in terms of confession, but I will say this: I am 100% sure my husband and I would not have the relationship we have today if I was not completely honest with him about what I did. I gave him his truth so he could decide how he wanted to move forward. I believe one cannot build a marriage on a foundation that already has a crack in it (cracks being the lies). We fixed our foundations in the trenches ourselves and it enabled us to build another marriage. I do advocate for truth; my H told me he made a career decision when I was in my A and if he'd know the truth he would've made a different decision. I took the truth of his life away from him...think about this: what decisions has your husband made thinking his life is one way, when it is actually another?

There are no easy paths out of the situation we've created for ourselves, I'm sorry to say. That's why I asked about choosing who you want to be moving forward and then acting that way. It's a way to provide guidance. Good luck.

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Unless the op can honestly say she will never, ever cheat again and there is zero chance her husband will find out any other way, she really should tell him. Those are practical reasons why she should tell him.One more really practical reaosn is that if she and her husband are to form a strong connection, it needs to be an honest one. I see so many people say "keep the secret and carry the guilt-your spouse will never know". In a perfect world, that might work, but it often comes up in other ways, poisoning a marriage that otherwise might ave stood a chance if it were built on honesty.

Not really, telling him just unburdens the person feeling guilty and hurts more people. The marriage is what it is, and it's up to the OP to make her own path forward with that.

 

 

[Febbow]

I will have a very deep think about my reasons for not telling my husband. I think they are pure. A part of me would like to confess and move forward but honestly if the shoe was on the other foot (and it may have been/will be ) I would prefer not to know. The jealousy would drive me insane! And of course the horrendous breaking of trust. It's sick! I am truly ashamed. I think it would damage us hugely .

Posting here was the result of so much research and reading . So much introspection and soul searching. It was honestly like I needed a boot in the head to wake me up!!! All the stuff I've read and researched became clear and you guys were just providing a very clear voice of reason to trigger me to assimilate it. I almost felt in some sort of mental fog. It's been day two of no contact. I feel guilty a little for the OM and I am starting to grieve a little. But you know what?.. this time is final!

I was intimate with my husband today  and it felt amazing . I feel like if only I put in a fraction of the energy that I did with the OM to this marriage and this amazing man (who I owe hugely). Things will be better. So much better. I wouldn't EVER cheat again. I was naieve and stupid to the max. I didn't see the slippery slope and then didn't stop it. It would have been so much easier to have stated clear boundaries and backed away with confidence and control and stepped up my efforts with the wonderful man I already had at home. This came after many years of lack of effort on both our parts. Habitual distancing and lack of true quality time. That will change. We both want it to. The kids are older and we have close family.

And I promise if I can't make it better I will leave the marriage and be alone! And work on myself and allow my husband every opportunity to be adored and respected by another woman. I truly have hope I can be that woman though.

I've just been so stupid. The hormones and the attention. The novelty and spending quality time with another man led me to choose the path of complete blindness and shut down from my marriage. Which of course led to this post and the feeling of doom and gloom that I wasn't 'in love' with my husband . No wonder. I wasn't feeding the fire in anyway. In fact I was killing it.

I will never allow that to happen again. If I'm in the same position in a year from now after counselling and huge effort then I will leave.. never again will I cheat. 

I could of course be found out. That worries me because in which case it would be better for me to confess but I will take the risk. As I say. I really wouldn't want to know. He knows I've been having some sort of mid life crisis (traumatic childhood.. not an excuse!) And I've told him today I love him and am so grateful to him for waiting for me. He's amazing. I'm exceptionally lucky!

Each and everyone of you helped push me to wake up and stop my ridiculous, hurtful , disrespectful and fantasy based behaviour /thoughts. I will return to this thread and forum lots especially if I am to feel sad or guilt about the other man and respond to him ..that's a slippery slope. I do feel bad for him. He's a good guy (I think) and seems to spiral into depression when I have finished this ,so many times before. But I know now I can't enter the cycle again. I will totally back off communication and when this covid is over , I will be straight up and then block him from my life. Avoid him at meets.

It's been kind of cool being forced to be at home. I was at every event and meet. Now finally I feel more peace at being at home so I will make sure to avoid (despite our mutual friends). A tough consequence but absolutely necessary.

No more.  Time to make this up (forever) through my behaviour to my husband. 

[DKT3]

I disagree,  I believe relationships go bad when people misrepresent themselves and create an unsustainable facade.  

No relationship is what it is, that's asinine.  A statement like that suggests humans are stupid and cant grow. No, that's not it. The mindset of people that are willing to cheat is also one that doesn't want to face consequences of their actions,  this goes beyond just the affair. Cheating is usually the apex of a long lineage of poor behavior.  Wanting to hide the affair is a continuation of this behavior.  Keep in mind the confession or truth isn't what hurt people,  it was that actions of which you are confessing.  So just how does confession hurt people? If you hadn't done anything there would be nothing to confess. 

Bottom line is this, you will absolutely hurt the person you cheated on with the truth, but being honest, wouldn't it be better for them long term to either move on or be willing to accept and love you for exactly who you are.  

[mark clemson]

On 3/29/2020 at 12:24 AM, Febbow said:

I appreciate the thoughts on post covid economy. However, money isn't my driving force in this at all. I think the driving force is the realisation of how close I've come to ruining my, my kids and my innocent husband's life's hankering after a new untested love that should never have been allowed to grow! Like standing now and seeing clearly the edge of the cliff. Counselling time for sure but right now new leaf.

 

Fair enough. I would note that for many, money probably is or becomes a BIG factor. If you're truly in a place where divorce wouldn't do too much damage financially, great. I suspect that, with many of these affairs, for every rom-com/eat-pray-love style happy ending there are probably at least 20 or so divorcees stuck in cruddy apartments watching money that could have gone to kids college and funding a decent retirement slowly drained away on lawyers, separate rent/cost-of-living, and self maintenance as one competes in the dating pool.

There are indeed good reasons to tell your H. Ethics, controlling the timing of a Dday, and the impact of you being the one who "came clean", among others. However, they must be weighed against the risk of blowing up what you're trying to save. Some men are capable of getting past an affair and reconciling and some simply are not. Some "shut off" instantly and others may try for a few years but find they can't actually get past it.

The kissing worries me. For some men, crossing the physical line that way makes it a lot worse. Again, some men could get past it, others simply couldn't.

They say that IF you tell, give 100% full truth - no "trickle truthing". I tend to agree as no doubt continuing to deceive just makes the WS look worse and worse. One problem is, your husband may go on to sites like this one and people will inform him with great certainty that there's no way it was just kissing, there must have been more. They're often right, but wouldn't be in your case.

IF you're going to just bury it, you may want to be sure to do it well. Below are some things you could consider doing.

Delete any texts and convince the MM to do so as well. Be nice about going NC, but do so and stick to it FULLY. Hopefully there aren't any emails, but see if you can get him to delete any from you as well. If you're doing counseling at home, the last thing you want is for your kid to burst in the room when your husband is walking by and he hears the word "affair" or similar. So be real careful with that. Consider investing in a "white noise machine" for the counseling, and even then be cautious.

If you keep up NC fully for several months, and MM one day tries to re-initiate, be gracious, but firm in indicating no interest. Phrase things in a way that suggest all this is only coming from his side, and save those texts just in case they're needed one day. Hopefully there are few phone call records or similar, but if there are, you could, in an absolute pinch, claim that he seemed interested in you and you rebuffed him and didn't want to tell H about it so as not to stir up trouble. Your subsequent texts could confirm this. More lying, so it's to be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

[Febbow]

I have had the worst year of my life. I wish it had never happened. There have been consequences. I've hurt myself massively , hurt my marriage and my husband (without him knowing why!) and now hurt the OM. I would not ever paint this affair as something I've enjoyed and had some free and easy fun. I'm not that type of person! I made some horrendous choices and I'm ashamed. 

A long lineage of poor behaviour? No. You can't blanket every person who has an affair together. People are way too unique and complex. I will not accept that. I am a good person. I have made some pathetic and nasty decisions but ive never cheated before in my life. Not even close. I don't flirt. I don't send out signals of ant type. I just messed up. And I've learned. So whether I tell him or not.. that's really my choice based on my understanding and introspection about what will be best for my marriage. 

Thanks for your reply though.  I will certainly consider your other points. You're right my behaviour is what will hurt him if I confess of course. But if he doesn't know then some of that will be taken away. Im not some simple soul who will take that as an opportunity to carry on awful behaviour. Not at all. If anything it'll propel me to never cross that line (or go anywhere near it again!)

I wish people were taught more about love and marriage. I was stupid. Alain De batton and the true course of love should be given to every young person in the world! 

[Febbow]

Thank you Mark. Some really good points I hadn't considered there. 

[Ellener]

@Febbow 

You're learning the hard way. But don't feel pressured by well-meant advice from strangers on the internet is what I mean. You know your situation and what will work going forward. It's easy for others to give advice, especially moral advice. But no relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. It's easy to be idealistic and think marriage is all about 'true love' and total honesty etc but for most people it's going to be about realistic expectations and pragmatism and above all trying to make sure children's lives aren't derailed...there's a 'let it be' component to successful relationships and definitely an aspect of timing. The whole world's in crisis right now, it's not a moment I'd choose to break up my family environment.

 

 

[DKT3]

People dont like reflection,  they dont like admitting or even seeing thier truth.

You married your husband for the wrong reasons,  you moved out of the bedroom the first legitimate chance you got. You only had sex to placate him,  you had an affair,  and now you intend on concealing it. Which one of those things dont fit?

They all fit, they are all the same behavior.

I have a really good track record of understanding who will and who won't confess. This isnt some attempted Jedi mind trick but I'm betting you will in fact confess. 

The biggest mistake people many people make when deciding to have an affair is misjudging thier ability to actually live with it. Most people are inherently good and have a very difficult time living with this kind of thing. Other tend to learn towards a path, sociopath psychopath so on, those people can live with it. You or clearly the former,  albeit rather selfish,  you are basically a good person.  

Once you understand that confession isnt about hurting the other person or carrying guilt but it's about making the decision to live an authentic life and doing what's best for others you love, even if that means the marriage ends. 

Another reason,  when people dont confess they fail.  Its really that simple.  When you believe you have strong feelings for someone else and no one to hold you accountable you will backslide.  There is no real reason to adjust your behavior.  At some point,  be it 5 days 5 years or in another relationship you are more likely to repeat an affair. 

 

[DKT3]

30 minutes ago, Ellener said:

@Febbow 

You're learning the hard way. But don't feel pressured by well-meant advice from strangers on the internet is what I mean. You know your situation and what will work going forward. It's easy for others to give advice, especially moral advice. But no relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. It's easy to be idealistic and think marriage is all about 'true love' and total honesty etc but for most people it's going to be about realistic expectations and pragmatism and above all trying to make sure children's lives aren't derailed...there's a 'let it be' component to successful relationships and definitely an aspect of timing. The whole world's in crisis right now, it's not a moment I'd choose to break up my family environment.

 

 

This is one way. But what are you teaching those children? Are you giving them the tools to navigate relationships successful in the future? Or are you dooming them to repeat yours.

Sometimes people marry the wrong people,  sometimes people grow in different directions and it makes maintaining a relationship almost impossible.  How you navigate through goes a long way in giving your children the tools they will need.

Sure it's easy to mess up and act as if it didn't happen,  but what lesson are you teaching? Children are small not blind and stupid. 

[Febbow]

DKT3 I did not move out of the bedroom at first chance. I birthed and breastfed and did all night-time wake ups (there were many). It wasn't planned the way you suggest. My first message may have not made that clear. I was so obsessed with the new love I think I fell into the trap of comparison and rewriting our story . I chose to marry him because I deeply loved and respected him. It wasn't based on some crazy initial spark but there was definitely something there (& still is). I realise that now. Sex did become a chore. Young kids. Physically and mentally exhausted. Not much effort from either of us for intimacy outside of that or leading up to. Textbook errors. 

Thanks for your feedback. Although I respectfully disagree on a few points , I appreciate your thoughts .

[Febbow]

Textbook errors I believe can be put right . I feel a million times wiser . 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Febbow said:

I feel a million times wiser . 

Hindsight is 20/20...

[pepperbird]

57 minutes ago, Ellener said:

@Febbow 

You're learning the hard way. But don't feel pressured by well-meant advice from strangers on the internet is what I mean. You know your situation and what will work going forward. It's easy for others to give advice, especially moral advice. But no relationship is perfect. No person is perfect. It's easy to be idealistic and think marriage is all about 'true love' and total honesty etc but for most people it's going to be about realistic expectations and pragmatism and above all trying to make sure children's lives aren't derailed...there's a 'let it be' component to successful relationships and definitely an aspect of timing. The whole world's in crisis right now, it's not a moment I'd choose to break up my family environment.

 

 

actually, much of the advice is coming form people who have been a BS.
OP, you can choose to do as you wish, but it might serve you well to listen to the people who have been where you husband is standing right now.

I do;t know about you-you'll find your own way- but if I had learned about my husband cheating from anyone else besides him., I would have walked. It wouldn't have mattered how remorseful he was- I couldn't have ever trusted him again

[pepperbird]

33 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

People dont like reflection,  they dont like admitting or even seeing thier truth.

You married your husband for the wrong reasons,  you moved out of the bedroom the first legitimate chance you got. You only had sex to placate him,  you had an affair,  and now you intend on concealing it. Which one of those things dont fit?

They all fit, they are all the same behavior.

I have a really good track record of understanding who will and who won't confess. This isnt some attempted Jedi mind trick but I'm betting you will in fact confess. 

The biggest mistake people many people make when deciding to have an affair is misjudging thier ability to actually live with it. Most people are inherently good and have a very difficult time living with this kind of thing. Other tend to learn towards a path, sociopath psychopath so on, those people can live with it. You or clearly the former,  albeit rather selfish,  you are basically a good person.  

Once you understand that confession isnt about hurting the other person or carrying guilt but it's about making the decision to live an authentic life and doing what's best for others you love, even if that means the marriage ends. 

Another reason,  when people dont confess they fail.  Its really that simple.  When you believe you have strong feelings for someone else and no one to hold you accountable you will backslide.  There is no real reason to adjust your behavior.  At some point,  be it 5 days 5 years or in another relationship you are more likely to repeat an affair. 

 

This is very true. People who are fundamentally honest have trouble keeping this sort of secret. it can eat away at them.

[pepperbird]

19 hours ago, oldtruck said:

i advocate exposing affairs. the biggest peril is without exposing the affair the

WS avoids facing consequences.   Statistics show that when there are no consequences

the WS is more likely to have another affair again. so if you are not going to tell 

your BH then you need to see an IC to fix what is broken in you before you back

slide again and break your marriage with another affair.

To me, it's not so much about consequences as practicalities. So many WS have a laundry list of issues with their spouse, and many times,. they are pretty serious. I fail to see how someone can fix a problem if they don't know about it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/28/2020 at 12:45 PM, Febbow said:

So,

I am hoping to get some advice or just share some information I've been bottling up. 

I have been married for 10 years. We have two kids (under 8 . I love my husband. He's a great dad and man. I don't find him attractive sexually. I haven't done for years. We got together because I chose with my head. He was a mutual friend and I knew a kind and gentle soul. 

Over the years he's been critical slightly. He's very intelligent. Loves the power of being smart. I feel sometimes he's found me embarrassing. In company he has rolled his eyes and pulled me up on immature comments or vulgar ones.  This has lead me to shut down a little. He always apologises. We always talk. We communicate really well. 

Since the kids were born I've slept with them. Extended breastfed. Made them my primary focus. He's been supportive. He is the breadwinner. He is kind and helps provided I make it clear what I need (mostly). We were intimate physically once a week. Mostly on my part through a sense of duty. I didn't really want to. Very much a martyrs. Will do things and put myself last and push help away. So I've become resentful at times when he didn't see that and insist on helping anyway (silly hey?). 

Last year , I met another man through a parent group . He's also married with similar aged kids. We had instant attraction (first time.ive felt that way since husband) and soon an emotional affair began. I did try to stop it on numerous occasions both early on and then last December properly. We met a few times. Held hands and kissed. No sex. He's very different to my husband. Incredibly artistic and creative. Much more emotionally supportive and wordy. Masculine and manually skilled. He is a stay at home dad. 

So I tried to shut it down. The guilt was horrendous. I knew all about brain chem and focused on the craziness of conceiving the practicalities of us really living together after breaking two families up. He says him and his wife haven't been properly together for three years despite living together. Who knows. I think I trust him. We have met in group situations a lot. I know his friends. He seems like a genuine person. And I think have fallen in love. He seems much better suited personality wise. We bounce off each other so beautifully. I truly can imagine in some other universe us being happy. He communicates well. He's thoughtful, respectful and listens always. He makes me laugh and me him way more so than my husband does or ever has. 

So we finished in December. I had the worst two months of silence ever. We didn't contact. And yet had all these mutual friends and events. He admits to feeling completely lost and depressed. I felt this way also despite trying to see it as a good action. 

We ended up talking again around my birthday early Feb. Then we said.we would go really slow. Stop the emotional affair. Keep each other in our lives but back off and slowly get to know each other over time . Of course this hasnt worked. Although no physical affair.. the tension is crazy when we meet in a group. And the emotional affair is again happening.

This virus has made.me realise how short life is. How the idea of me living in a pretty ok but sexually dead marriage is depressing both for myself and for my kkind lovely husband to have to endure. Even if I fake. I wish I hadn't met this other guy. I was happy enough I think. Although I think lonely. I've made so many mistakes in the marriage. So many. I take full responsibility. I have talked deeply to my husband , not mentioning this other man, about how the spark isn't there. We have identified the need to work a lot harder to try and fix old patterns. But he said he was happy and the spark has always been there for him. He is willing to go to counselling etc. He's been so patient while I mourned the 'break up' not.knowing what was up with me. Given me much time. Been kind and sweet. I have read and listened to spiritual stuff and to relationship gurus. I have strived to dislike the other man. To see his faults and focus on those and yet I've fallen deeper in love with him. The thought of being with him is so very exciting. I think we would be good..have the spark and crazy attraction and also the deeper ability to communicate and support each other emotionally. 

In an ideal world I'd love to date him. Watch him in many more realistic situations. See how he copes with stress and money etc. I can't though. 

So to wrap up.. 

What do I do. This guy wants to leave his wife and be with me. He's happy to take that slowly. 

I hate to think of breaking my husband's heart. It would kill him. I come from a family where my dad did similar to my mum. Horrendous. I love and care for him. 

This is what I think I should do:

Finish with the other guy (going to break both of our hearts again!! And we have so many shared friends and events , I won't be able to truly avoid him . Our kids are great friends 😭 our son's play as a group online most days.. ) 

Go to individual counseling and then couples counseling. Fake it til we make it or at least fully try.

Maybe look other guy up in future if and when I've gracefully and with nobility left my marriage. See if we can start from there. 

I just feel so sad. So stressed and guilty. And a little concerned i am making the wrong decision by walking away from a potentially pretty amazing match (or appears to be!)..

Thanks so much for reading. 

 

 

Gosh, Febbow is one of the most remarkably introspective people I have EVER read at Loveshack... right down to an orderly-seeming presentation of   "what I think I should do".

 

I'm not sure where to start, but I want to be sure to touch-upon the fact that Febbow's father introduced long ago the idea of (cheating on spouses).

 

Second, I'm leaping to what seems to ME to be the most important (idea I have that relates in any way)...     

and that is, the (emotional) affair partner mentioned is a lot like, say, the long-distance people we tend to meet online in various places...   in what used to be chatrooms.

It is SO EASY to enjoy another person best when we first sense them to seem 98% perfect/ideal, and only later evolve to chip further away at their seeming perfections... (often AF-ter we've already been swept away by the splendor of their ideals).   We will more easily put ourselves in their direct vicinity when we begin in such a way, and we will more easily become intimate with them on various levels from those beginnings as well.  (she's only seeing a good *part* of the other guy, and doing an unfair comparison of this 97% ideal person to the 70% ideal person she has at home)

 

When Febbow further weans herself away from this other guy, it will be important to separate the different entities which are  *him* the individual and *her own emotional investment  IN him*.

 

The latter is far more central to the challenge... and IF able to re-channel her yearning to ***invest herself in some direction*** ...  toward her own marriage there at home, she could come out of this with renewed optimism about home life.

 

With regard to the guilt...   Febbow needs to be reminded (even though she IS already in print as being well aware) that IF there is a reasonable chance that her husband could learn of her emotional affair through other channels, then she should inform him FIRST...  but otherwise, she should live with the guilt and never tell him.   For it isn't appropriate to shatter her husband's sense of their relationship merely to assuage her own guilt.  

 

Maybe the new Covid environment will make it more difficult to live on the path that Febbow is on...  but maybe not.

 

IF successful in considerably upping her own *investment*  there at home, then the Covid environment will make it all *better*  (than if Covid weren't a factor now),  but if Febbow doesn't commit to investing her emotions in her family, and instead opts for the lonely, quiet days ahead, then the Covid world will make it all worse.

 

I would say that with so much good instinct  already showing here in black and white, Febbow has a whole lot going for her as she chooses her own path.

 

(I can't relate to the surely-common notion of parents or family members ever cheating  on anyone... but I hardly ever see evidence that anyone anywhere ever even thought about the effects of that on kids {who then later go on to think 'cheating' is a normal part of adult life} )

 

 

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, pepperbird said:

much of the advice is coming form people who have been a BS.

& not objective? 

Good luck going forward @Febbow 

 

[Bittersweetie]

3 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Bottom line is this, you will absolutely hurt the person you cheated on with the truth, but being honest, wouldn't it be better for them long term to either move on or be willing to accept and love you for exactly who you are.  

In my experience, I would agree with this statement. After d-day, my husband and myself were at our absolute worst. He was understandably angry, hurt, confused, shocked. I was confused, angry with myself, terrified, and lost. We were both incredibly vulnerable and showed it to the other. Yet somehow we made it through, still choosing each other despite everything. I have nothing to hide with him, and it is a freeing feeling after living with something to hide. Again, though, it is your choice, and I understand the conviction to not tell...I was not going to tell, ever. But the world had a different idea and I did end up confessing. And looking back it's horrifying to me how much I tried to control my H's life in order to hide my own bad choices. 

[heartwhole2]

58 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

With regard to the guilt...   Febbow needs to be reminded (even though she IS already in print as being well aware) that IF there is a reasonable chance that her husband could learn of her emotional affair through other channels, then she should inform him FIRST...  but otherwise, she should live with the guilt and never tell him.   For it isn't appropriate to shatter her husband's sense of their relationship merely to assuage her own guilt.  

 

But his sense of the relationship is based on lies. She already shattered the reality of their relationship. 

I do think it's great that you've come to these realizations before the affair turned physical, OP. I hate to play into gender stereotypes, but men tend to have an easier time with the emotional aspect of their wives' affairs; it's often the reverse for women whose husbands cheat. So yes, you are telling him that you played with fire, that you crossed the line and had all sorts of terrible thoughts, but he is spared all that comes with a PA. 

The abundant relief and resolve that you feel right now is simply that . . . a feeling. It's like when you barely avoid a car accident or get any kind of second chance. You feel exhilarated. That exhilaration will not last. And when it wanes all the little issues that went into getting you into this situation will remain. You'll have become accustomed to lying by omission ("I'm just having a midlife crisis, honey"). So the next time you feel curious or bored or justified and neglected, you will act self-destructively again. It may not be an affair. You really need to expose everything to the light in order to have an authentic life and marriage.

And I say this as a BS. If you really think your husband wouldn't want to know, you could tell him the "lite" version . . . that you started developing an inappropriate relationship with this guy but cut it off. If he wants to know a lot of details, then you know that he really wants to know. If he drops it, then you can move forward knowing that you offered him the truth. Just always be ready to offer more if and when he wants it.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

And looking back it's horrifying to me how much I tried to control my H's life in order to hide my own bad choices. 

This sums it up pretty well. Very few people who dont feel they have the upper hand in a marriage cheat. They believe that because they have been able to kinda dictate the direction of the marriage that they can have affairs, they believe they can control information and by extension thier spouses.  This is what we are seeing in this thread no matter how likable OP, she is looking to continue to make unilateral decisions and trick her husband into believing she is something she isnt and into staying in a marriage that given all the information he may otherwise choose not to be in. That isnt loving, that isnt doing something in his best interest no matter how the thinking is twisted or covered in self servingness. Boiled down to its barest form,  this is all about not facing consequences, and not about saving others from hurt. Saving others from hurt would have meant not having an affair.  Call it what it is.