Mistake to ask for additional pics before meeting someone when online dating?

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

out in the real world seeing each other is the very first and most natural thing that brings two people together in the first place.

which is why two people should just meet as simply and soon as safely possible and get that over with, if there's zero interest it's otherwise just making an internet friend.

[salparadise]

3 hours ago, nospam99 said:

My life is not so full that I can't invest an hour or two in meeting a woman who has potential as a dating partner. And I see no reason why that level of investigation and politeness would be too much for any other man to invest.

Well, my life is not that full either, but my patience is definitely limited after having endured online bullish*t longer than I wish I had. And besides, they're certainly going to expect you to do the drive and cover the expense... while they ask indirect questions aimed at assessing your wealth and real estate holdings. You see, this imbalance in the expectation (they see you, but you can't see them) is the epitome of entitlement, and who wants to date a person with that issue. Of course perspective is everything, and for some, once it's established that they love the color orange, what more would you need to know?

Edited March 29, 2020 by salparadise

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

my patience is definitely limited after having endured online bullish*t 

a person doesn't need to take any baggage into a new relationship to give it a chance. If I sense impatience or an agenda however noble the intention I'm going to back off and so will many people. I don't ever want to feel controlled.

Right now with all that's going on in the world a lot of people are going to be a bit bored and lonely too, maybe making online connections they would not entertain later when it's real. 

I suspect many people do this with OLD anyway, amuse themselves with no intentions of moving forward, and I've certainly had this situation in real life, and at times it is even enough for a while.

People need to know what it is they want before they sign up if they are saying 'relationship'...but put it out there in such a way as leaves both parties free enough to be themself and let a relationship develop somewhat spontaneously beyond the basics.

That's how it is for me anyway 🙂

 

[greymatter]

Max, I don't think asking for more pictures communicates anything about wanting sex only, and disagree with the other posters about that. I DO think you communicated that what you saw of her via her photos had you doubting that you like how she looks, and think it was obnoxious and rude to ask for more photos. I too don't understand why you bothered if you felt she seemed unstable. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, greymatter said:

I too don't understand why you bothered if you felt she seemed unstable. 

Unless you already know crazy sex is really great sex?! ( been there done that...) 😆

[max3732]

4 hours ago, greymatter said:

Max, I don't think asking for more pictures communicates anything about wanting sex only, and disagree with the other posters about that. I DO think you communicated that what you saw of her via her photos had you doubting that you like how she looks, and think it was obnoxious and rude to ask for more photos. I too don't understand why you bothered if you felt she seemed unstable. 

Considering I'm a virgin and not just after sex that's certainly not my intention. 

When I first start talking to someone from OLD I still get excited and hope I've found the right person. As she was telling me some stories it brought up some red flags that may be a bit unstable. Basically she said she gets into arguments with people all the time and has no filter. It didn't sound like it was a minor temper either. She said she's had the cops called on her. 

Obviously when I messaged her I didn't know that. All I knew was she put in her profile she had a lot of the same interests as me. I also only found out during our phone call has far away she was. All the other women I met in that app were close to me. 

Part of the reason I wanted to see pics with her whole body is I found her headshots really attractive and I just thought it be nice to visualize who I was talking to on the phone. Once I met someone who had great headshots but when I met her she was really obese and we had a nice platonic conversation, but I felt cheated since I wasted my time and money driving to meet her. 

I think when it comes to women my brain doesn't work right. She's the first woman I've met that shared one of my interests I thought only guys were into so I really enjoyed talking to her about it and I think maybe I got carried away.

She did message me back, but didn't send any pics. So I think I could just have her as a friend I talk to on the phone.

[Emilie Jolie]

25 minutes ago, max3732 said:

So I think I could just have her as a friend I talk to on the phone.

You should aim higher, Max. 'A friend I talk to on the phone' is a no-man's land.

 

It's ok to let her go nicely, you'll both survive it.

 

And next time, don't bother asking for extra pics; just move on.

[Marc878]

Amazing though at how many put younger thin pics up but in reality they are 50-100lbs heavier or years older.

 

[salparadise]

16 hours ago, Ellener said:

a person doesn't need to take any baggage into a new relationship to give it a chance. If I sense impatience or an agenda however noble the intention I'm going to back off and so will many people. I don't ever want to feel controlled.

I don't mean bringing generalized impatience toward someone I'm dating. What I'm saying is that if the flow isn't balanced during messaging phase; they assume an attitude of superiority, thinking they should be able to judge without being judged, that's really all one needs to know. A smart man will see that for what it is and refuse to play that game. Unmatch and move on, because nothing good is going to happen with a personality like that. It's more than a red flag––it's flashing lights and sirens.

Edited March 30, 2020 by salparadise

[elaine567]

22 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Date women who have body shots on their profile.

^^^ this
If looks are that important to you then it is better you stick to the women who are happy posting pics of their body on their profile.
Trying to get more pics or full  body pics from women who have chosen not to post them is always going to be a bone of contention, so why get into that?
Whether or not YOU just wanted sex is moot. SHE feels you were shallow and angling for sex so she blocked you. That is what tends to happen.
You either take the chance to meet or you pass.
Yes some of these women will be obese or shy or covering up some perceived "deformity", but some will just want to weed out "thirsty" or entitled guys.

BTW obese people tend to have "obese" faces, so I am not sure why so many seem to be tricked by those who just post head shots.

[Blind-Sided]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

....
BTW obese people tend to have "obese" faces, so I am not sure why so many seem to be tricked by those who just post head shots.

Yep... I agree with that.  I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind a woman who is a little... umm.... softer.  But a girl who is very big, will show in her face and neck.  (If that's a big deal to you)

[chillii]

20 hours ago, Ellener said:

which is why two people should just meet as simply and soon as safely possible and get that over with, if there's zero interest it's otherwise just making an internet friend.

And why you should at least supply a few good pics first before you even bother. No brainer .

[chillii]

52 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Yep... I agree with that.  I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind a woman who is a little... umm.... softer.  But a girl who is very big, will show in her face and neck.  (If that's a big deal to you)

Not always so as most guys pretty quickly discover on date sites especially when so many use older pics.

[Ellener]

59 minutes ago, chillii said:

And why you should at least supply a few good pics first before you even bother. No brainer .

I just put one very normal pic of me fully clothed and outdoors! I did put my BMI on my profile, that's more of an indicator of I guess.

I have chuckled reading OLD requests ( written as demands: 'you must be...' 😲 Yikes ) for gorgeous women from some rather er physically unappealing themselves men...

[chillii]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

^^^ this
If looks are that important to you then it is better you stick to the women who are happy posting pics of their body on their profile.
Trying to get more pics or full  body pics from women who have chosen not to post them is always going to be a bone of contention, so why get into that?
Whether or not YOU just wanted sex is moot. SHE feels you were shallow and angling for sex so she blocked you. That is what tends to happen.
You either take the chance to meet or you pass.
Yes some of these women will be obese or shy or covering up some perceived "deformity", but some will just want to weed out "thirsty" or entitled guys.

BTW obese people tend to have "obese" faces, so I am not sure why so many seem to be tricked by those who just post head shots.

 

See l never get that thinking of men on date sites just for the physical , man l use to think when l was on one , that would have to be the stupidest most time consuming way out there for casual. You have no idea how real anyone is and there's so much bs involved to even get that far , and assuming when he did finally meet her she looks anything like her pics and he'd even want to sleep with her.

l dunno ,  a bar or club or something is 10x easier for casual and he'd see the real right there straight up in seconds, seconds that take days and days of bs on a date site , the mind boggles.

 

 

 

 

[chillii]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I just put one very normal pic of me fully clothed and outdoors! I did put my BMI on my profile, that's more of an indicator of I guess.

I have chuckled reading OLD requests ( written as demands: 'you must be...' 😲 Yikes ) for gorgeous women from some rather er physically unappealing themselves men...

 

Yeah see, and that's all you need , that's all l ever wanted and all l put on it too , just one recent pic of me just standing there doing absolutely nothing, they could see all of me and my face , good enough.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

 

Yeah see, and that's all you need , that's all l ever wanted and all l put on it too , just one recent pic of me just standing there doing absolutely nothing, they could see all of me and my face , good enough.

My picture also has my dog, since that turns out to be more of a deal-breaker than I thought it would, and I don't want someone who doesn't like dogs!!!

[chillii]

 

Yeah right , see that's plenty good enough , and it's real .

[snowcones]

I'm a woman and I care about how a man looks.  If I am unsure of how he looks because he hasn't provided pictures on his profile that make it clear enough how he looks, then I just swipe left (or pass).  Sometimes men post up blurry pictures or pictures from very far away and I don't even bother asking for more. I just swipe left.   I think there's a 98% chance that a guy who posts unclear or ambiguous pics is probably not attractive anyway, so it's best just to not even start talking.

On the other side of the coin, where I draw the line is when I have provided enough pics on my profile for a guy who see how I look (including head-to-toe and clear face pics - sans tons of makeup or filters) and guys STILL ask for more because they don't believe you are real or some crap, or just because they get a thrill out of receiving pics of woman. Dude, NO.  I'm not here to assuage all of your online dating insecurities, nor am I here to provide you entertainment.  I didn't cause your anxiety and it's not my problem. And we are all busy and don't want to waste time, so you either meet me in person asap or please move along. No extra pics.

Edited April 8, 2020 by snowcones

[max3732]

20 hours ago, snowcones said:

I'm a woman and I care about how a man looks.  If I am unsure of how he looks because he hasn't provided pictures on his profile that make it clear enough how he looks, then I just swipe left (or pass).  Sometimes men post up blurry pictures or pictures from very far away and I don't even bother asking for more. I just swipe left.   I think there's a 98% chance that a guy who posts unclear or ambiguous pics is probably not attractive anyway, so it's best just to not even start talking.

On the other side of the coin, where I draw the line is when I have provided enough pics on my profile for a guy who see how I look (including head-to-toe and clear face pics - sans tons of makeup or filters) and guys STILL ask for more because they don't believe you are real or some crap, or just because they get a thrill out of receiving pics of woman. Dude, NO.  I'm not here to assuage all of your online dating insecurities, nor am I here to provide you entertainment.  I didn't cause your anxiety and it's not my problem. And we are all busy and don't want to waste time, so you either meet me in person asap or please move along. No extra pics.

I think the key is that you provide enough pics that the guy has an idea of what you actually look like. 

Recently I asked someone for an additional picture because all her photos were from work or looked like they could have been taken from a magazine. They were great pictures and I could tell what she looked like, but they were so professional that I was suspicious someone had just downloaded them from a company website.  So I asked her if she had any more casual pictures and she got upset but did send me one and we're still chatting. 

One of my friends also said he's gotten nasty responses when asking for more pictures. It's not about insecurities, the thrill of receiving pics or entertainment, it's about verifying that you're not being misled or scammed.

[basil67]

I don't understand why guys are saying a woman should put more pictures up or send them if asked.   If a woman doesn't want to put lots of pictures up like an item on eBay or be pre-judged on appearance, it's her prerogative.  Her profile shouldn't be anything that she doesn't want it to be.  If the guy doesn't like what she's put up there, look at someone else.    (And I would say the same if genders were switched)

 

[max3732]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't understand why guys are saying a woman should put more pictures up or send them if asked.   If a woman doesn't want to put lots of pictures up like an item on eBay or be pre-judged on appearance, it's her prerogative.  Her profile shouldn't be anything that she doesn't want it to be.  If the guy doesn't like what she's put up there, look at someone else.    (And I would say the same if genders were switched)

 

Isn't the whole point of a dating profile to let people that might be interested in dating you know what you look like and something about your personality and who you are? What's the difference between asking for more pictures to get a better idea of what someone looks like and asking them for more detail about their job or hobbies? I'd think that the goal is to meet in person at some point and by then you'll get to see what the other person looks like, so why not post enough pictures so that the guy can tell if he's interested physically before going through the effort of meeting up?

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, max3732 said:

One of my friends also said he's gotten nasty responses when asking for more pictures. It's not about insecurities, the thrill of receiving pics or entertainment, it's about verifying that you're not being misled or scammed.

You judge yourself by your intentions, others judge you by your actions.  There are plenty of people who ask for pics for not so neutral intentions.

In addition, anyone who started off messaging me with the idea I'm too good to be true and I need to prove myself "real", next I say, and so I suspect a lot of women.  In my view one needs to check one's insecurities at the door and take some risks.  Also in my view I believe women find such insecurity (inability to take the risk...and a pretty darn small one at that) unattractive.   

Sure asking for pictures may filter out the scammers (unless they are using a bunch of old photos), but it will also filter out the unicorns and those are amazing as they will not necessarily put up with such requests.  Your left with a thin sliver of those who will respond and I suspect to half of them your request is a yellow flag they will keep in mind.

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Vespil said:

If the profile doesn't show full figure odds are you won't find the person to be appealing. If you ask for pictures from someone who has nothing to hide, they may very well be insulted and you lose, but that's probably not the case. Odds are they're hiding something so don't waste a lot of time messaging back and forth and get right to a first meetup but plan for it to be short so you can get the heck out of there. .... 

My own limited set of data shows this to be a false assumption.  First, you can generally tell from a head shot (as mentioned above) if someone is obese.  Second, of all the women I met who were substantially heavier than their photos, all had full body photos, they were just older photos but not so old as to look old.  Third, I've ignored the "need a full body shot" twice based on a head shot that looks like she was fine weight wise, but more importantly they had a good profile and/or great messaging. 

In both cases the women were very, very much in shape, smoking hot..and the reason no full body shots...to filter out guys who judge based on them, those with the shopping and the I'm all that mentality.   Don't get me wrong, women do the shopping and I'm all that approach as well, it's a very unattractive mindset to me, next. 

[poppyfields]

Agree with everyone, what I don't get is why don't you just meet for 15 min over cappachino, pictures can be so deceiving anyway!   After this health crisis is over of course.

Plus, think of the awkwardness.  You're connecting via chat, you ask for more pics, you don't like what you see, what are you gonna do, suddenly stop texting?  

I've had guys send me unsolicited pics of themselves, I'm not attracted, then they come back with - so what'd ya think?

Now I am left in the extremely awkward position of either lying or being brutally honest in saying, sorry dude not for me, good luck.

Just meet, if you don't like what you see, chat for 15 min and then politely excuse yourself, and chalk it up to lack of energy/chemistry, which is a perfectly legit reason to not want to meet up again. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by poppyfields