Author Hurt1234 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 15 hours ago, kendahke said: And what man lies about texting with their boys if there was no reason to? If he was texting that much with them, why wait until he dropped you off to get back to it? Why wasn't he texting them in front of you? I know he did not respond in front of me because that was the day I approached him with it and the argument was heated. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 8 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I questioned once before on his whereabouts, he proved it with photos. I questioned an ex calling him a few months back and he openly had a conversation with her with me by his side. That was his 'proving' to me nothing is going on. This last time he said he had to put his foot down and I have to learn to trust him and take his word for it. I have no idea what's actually happening now, but the stuff above is not good, OP. He had to prove his whereabouts with photos? I don't know why you put "proving" in quotes, because it seems like that's exactly what you forced him to do. Something is seriously wrong here. Trust is fundamental to any relationship. If he's inherently untrustworthy, you need to leave. If you're inherently unable to trust, that's something you need to work on before you embark on a new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 1 hour ago, Hurt1234 said: I know he is lying, it is why he would not show me his phone and when he did try to hide that one message. Its enough evidence for me and so many others on here...why am I having such a hard time saying goodbye. I want to trust and believe him so badly thats why. You don't trust and believe him. Period. If what you have discovered is solid, you forcing yourself to believe in him is nothing more than denial and a sure road to relationship hell and self-loathing. What you are feeling is the possible loss of a once content relationship. That can be found again. It doesn't have to be with a cheater. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 26 minutes ago, introverted1 said: I have no idea what's actually happening now, but the stuff above is not good, OP. He had to prove his whereabouts with photos? I don't know why you put "proving" in quotes, because it seems like that's exactly what you forced him to do. Something is seriously wrong here. Trust is fundamental to any relationship. If he's inherently untrustworthy, you need to leave. If you're inherently unable to trust, that's something you need to work on before you embark on a new relationship. Never to prove as in...hey prove to me where you are...more like, hey I am at ?? check out these photos, or look what I found at the grocery store. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 22 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: You don't trust and believe him. Period. If what you have discovered is solid, you forcing yourself to believe in him is nothing more than denial and a sure road to relationship hell and self-loathing. What you are feeling is the possible loss of a once content relationship. That can be found again. It doesn't have to be with a cheater. I am in denial, that is the truth. I do not want to face the break up heartbreak. The loss of a once content relationship. I fully agree. Everyone goes through it and gets over it eventually. I need to find the self love to walk away and not depend on him for my happiness. Until now, he always made me happy, and one gets used to that making it hard to walk away. He is not a terrible individual, relationship was amazing. This incident has thrown me way off with how I trust him and love gets the better of me making it tough to walk away. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said: I am in denial, that is the truth. I do not want to face the break up heartbreak. The loss of a once content relationship. I fully agree. Everyone goes through it and gets over it eventually. I need to find the self love to walk away and not depend on him for my happiness. Until now, he always made me happy, and one gets used to that making it hard to walk away. He is not a terrible individual, relationship was amazing. This incident has thrown me way off with how I trust him and love gets the better of me making it tough to walk away. We all know what it's like. MOST people do get over it. Those people who do as you suggest...do not be dependent on others for YOUR happiness. Always maintain control and never relinquish it to someone else. There are people who have not learned to self-affirm. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 This is wrong: He always made me happy. Ain't a relationship on on earth that lasts more than a month where that is true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: This is wrong: He always made me happy. Ain't a relationship on on earth that lasts more than a month where that is true. She 'perceived' it that way. Many people believe the same kind of thing, but upon more objective, careful examination, realize it wasn't so. Eh, for some, it is true, I suppose. 🤔 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hurt1234 said: I am in denial, that is the truth. I do not want to face the break up heartbreak. ...... You already have the heartbreak, and are hurting. The only way to stop the hurting is to do what you know needs done. Edited March 31, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 2 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I want to trust and believe him so badly thats why. This is when your mind needs to act on behalf of your heart. Heartbreaks suck. Having to breakup with someone because you don't trust them really sucks. There's no need to know what was in those messages, or who this woman is. The fact you believe he is lying is all the evidence you need. Wishing you fortitude, Hurt1234 ((virtual hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 23 hours ago, Dawn37 said: I stupidly believe I was 'the one' and that he would never cheat. 4 years ago I found inappropriate messages in a group WhatsApp chat between him, 3 other males and 1 female, most of the innuendoes coming from my husband. When I confronted him he said it was just chat but I still put him out of the house for 2 days and he swore he would never be so silly again. ^^^ Read this thread, this is you in a few years... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 10 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: He was on there with his group chat. However his story changed from I was on this morning to I checked the group chat a few times. That's his bravado... it's one of the tools in the arsenal of a liar. "How dare you question me?" It's in the same pile as "do you know who I am?" Quote This last time he said he had to put his foot down and I have to learn to trust him and take his word for it. See, that's the thing: No. You. Don't. Not with someone who can't keep their lie straight. Just like he did what he "had to do", so can you. That's a two way street. And no, he wouldn't have believed what you said if he knew when he asked you that what he saw isn't what you were now telling him. Again, that's his magnanimous pride--and pride goes before destruction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 So now he's just demanding you have to believe him, but he won't show you his phone. So stupid. By now I guess it's all deleted anyway. Here's the bottom line. You are NEVER going to be able to trust him again, and therefore you are never going to feel the same about him again. It changes things permanently when you can't trust the person. You will find you can't really be vulnerable to him anymore. And it will make you hypervigilant, which means you will get suspicious of everything going forward and eventually your relationship will end. You saw her before he scrolled past it. He lied about it, so he has something to hide. Why not just show you it if it was just some silly innocent stuff? Attorneys have an old saying: When the law is on your side, hammer the law. When the truth is on your side, hammer the truth. But when you have neither the law nor the truth on your side, hammer the table. He's hammering the table. He's stomping his foot and demanding, I'm the man. Do what I say and ignore what you know. You won't be able to live with that. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kballer Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Hurt, I think the important stuff has been covered already.. I just wanted to make clear that they are all right.. In your heart you already knew there was a problem. That's what started all of this. Your intuition told you that something was amiss. Trust your gut. It is not misleading you. Your dude may come to regret what he has done... Or maybe not. Maybe he's been telling the other chick that he was going to break up with you to be with her... Now, you break it off and he may fall right into her arms.. And she will then be stuck with a lying turd of a boyfriend.. Or, maybe he has never told her that he has YOU in his life.. Maybe he's been telling her that he is single. One thing for sure.. You are never going to get a straight answer from him. I would not trust a single word out of his mouth at this point. When someone is okay with lying.. There usually is no limit to what they will lie about... It's gonna suck to walk away.. But it needs to happen. Be strong. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 3 hours ago, preraph said: When the law is on your side, hammer the law. When the truth is on your side, hammer the truth. But when you have neither the law nor the truth on your side, hammer the table. He's hammering the table. I like that saying. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 Hi. So sorry you're going through this. One of my favorite quotes 'People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing'. The thing that really sticks out to me from this thread is the post where you said you confronted him, you said there was an argument about it. IMO, when someone really loves someone and is doing everything they can to protect the relationship, they would be completely transparent if asked to be. They might be upset about having to prove themselves, but honestly would they be argumentative about it? 'O.K honey, here is my phone. See, it's nothing. I'm sorry that you feel this way, I'm sorry you're feeling insecure, but here are the texts from the guys and you can see the conversation and see that it's nothing'. I can see that he might be upset about you not trusting him, about feeling like he's being watched, etc. But if he cares about you and is trying to protect the relationship, he should be upset that you are feeling this way, he should be sad that HE made you feel this way and he should be completely transparent to you. Something is definitely fishy here that when you confronted him, there was a big argument before he showed you his phone and then the fact that he scrolled down to show you and didn't just let you do it yourself. He was hiding that message from that other woman I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 On 3/30/2020 at 12:12 PM, Hurt1234 said: ... I need to either believe him and get over it or walk away. Both are difficult. Actually you just need to walk away. All of this strains credulity. "Getting over it" just means he takes it deeper underground or waits a few months to start up again. Recognizing that will make it easier. 14 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: I asked how he could lie to my face that I had the activity log and all he said was he is not lying, the activity log is incorrect with how many times he was online and the woman on his first chat had just messaged him that it was not a conversation he was in the middle of. I have no concrete evidence that he was on and off the app chatting with her as he did not show me the message. I am at a dead end with this No. This is just gaslighting, and frankly not even particularly well done gaslighting, esp. with the hiding to top conversation on the app. The only reason you would conceivably buy into this is because your emotional brain is scared of losing him (as I believe you allude to above). Don't cave as, along with I think most posters, I'm 99% sure nothing but even more pain awaits you down the road with this guy. Only one thing makes sense here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 2 hours ago, Kballer said: Hurt, I think the important stuff has been covered already.. I just wanted to make clear that they are all right.. In your heart you already knew there was a problem. That's what started all of this. Your intuition told you that something was amiss. Trust your gut. It is not misleading you. Your dude may come to regret what he has done... Or maybe not. Maybe he's been telling the other chick that he was going to break up with you to be with her... Now, you break it off and he may fall right into her arms.. And she will then be stuck with a lying turd of a boyfriend.. Or, maybe he has never told her that he has YOU in his life.. Maybe he's been telling her that he is single. One thing for sure.. You are never going to get a straight answer from him. I would not trust a single word out of his mouth at this point. When someone is okay with lying.. There usually is no limit to what they will lie about... It's gonna suck to walk away.. But it needs to happen. Be strong. This all makes alot of sense thank you to everyone. When you are going through it you don't always see things so clearly, or make excuses because you don't want to believe the harsh truth. You have all helped me see things in a different light. It is DEFINITELY hard to let this guy go but realistically you are all right, I will never trust him again and I am doing more harm to myself if I stay. If I leave I will wonder who he is with or messaging, If I stay I will wonder who he is with or messaging. It kills me either way but I don't deserve any of this runaround nor what I currently feel by being hurt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 See that’s the important thing. When I was no longer with my exH I no longer had to “worry about it”. i never looked back - because he was stealing my peace of mind for a LONG time... and to no longer worry was complete freedom! don't get it backwards - when the worry is gone - it’s everything. date someone who prioritizes only you. If he’s on his phone all the time - he’s not prioritizing you/the relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 2, 2020 Share Posted April 2, 2020 Hey Hurt, may we have an update? Are you still with this guy? Just my $.02 but if you look past this, and “forgive and forget,” the message you’re sending him is (1) he can do whatever he wants including chasing other women and you will always “be there” no matter what, (2) you’re too into him or scared to ever leave him, and (3) you’ve got no boundaries. NOT a good message to send Hurt, it makes you look weak, I’m sorry to say that, but it just does. ☹ The only way a man like him will ever respect you or any woman he’s dating is to suffer the consequences of his actions when he behaves like a lying shyt. I truly hope you have left him Hurt, nothing will change, he will just try harder to hide it. You deserve better. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 3, 2020 Share Posted April 3, 2020 It's clear as day he was up to no good, hence he didn't show you the top message and tried to hide it. This guy will not be true to you...he will just hide things better from now on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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