kendahke Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: It’s a messaging app that’s like AIM that some people still use for some strange reason it has better encryption features than ordinary text apps... in fact, Whatsapp goes out of their way to make sure their app is locked tighter than Ft. Knox. What dude hasn't figured out is that you can set the preferences to not show when the last time you've been on it. Quote Did he not give you his WhatsApp info? I thought it would shoW people online in a friends list or something... All you need is the telephone number... I think you have to be a part of the group conversation to see others in the conversation. It's not going to reveal who you're talking to to others if you're not in a group conversation. Edited March 29, 2020 by kendahke 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 54 minutes ago, preraph said: Write him on WhatsApp. That will fluster him. Maybe while he is online 😯 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 14 minutes ago, kendahke said: it has better encryption features than ordinary text apps... in fact, Whatsapp goes out of their way to make sure their app is locked tighter than Ft. Knox. What dude hasn't figured out is that you can set the preferences to not show when the last time you've been on it. All you need is the telephone number... I think you have to be a part of the group conversation to see others in the conversation. It's not going to reveal who you're talking to to others if you're not in a group conversation. Exactly...and when this dude figures out I have seen him online he will call me nuts and change his settings. If he does, well obviously he is up to something he doesn't want me knowing about 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 2 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said: Exactly...and when this dude figures out I have seen him online he will call me nuts and change his settings. If he does, well obviously he is up to something he doesn't want me knowing about and there will be your answer. You'll have caught him out in a lie. Question is: do you want to be with a liar? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 How did you notice he was on this app? It was a wrong question to ask. You should have said, I saw you on this app these days, anything I should know? Now he lied and you accepted it and it's done. The only way to correct this is be up front: you said you don't use it but I checked 3-4 times today and you are on it every time I checked so this makes me uncomfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Since we went into lockdown/quarantine/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, my WhatsApp chat has gone from a few dozen messages per day to a few hundred. If he has relatives in a foreign country he may be using it to keep in touch as well; WhatsApp is the most popular messaging app in the world outside of China. Anyway, those are two explanations I can think of that are completely innocent and I'm sure there are more. However, it's worrisome that he says he "doesn't really use it" when that is clearly not true. If he did have an innocent explanation you'd think he would say "I don't usually use it but all my friends are groupchatting now" or something. But you'd think that if he was truly worried about being caught he'd hide his "last online" status from you. All in all this strikes me as yellow flag behavior; not a red flag, but a warning sign. As SummerDreams said, your only choice is to be honest and say you checked the app a couple times today and noticed he was online every time. You can try to be jokey about it if you want and tease him: "hey, I thought you said you never used WhatsApp! You were on a few times today!" but yeah, there is no way to do it without admitting that you check up on his status, and you have no control over how he'll react to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedOlive Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) Sorry about your predicament, OP. Even if your “amazing” boyfriend is not doing anything shady on WhatsApp, it is very telling of his character that he is lying to you. Yes, it is possible he is just keeping tabs on relatives and responds to family members in another country... if so, he is a “fine print” liar. Let me explain. I’m with an “amazing” boyfriend who is this type of liar. We are not going to get into why I’m still with him, but I have years invested in this relationship now. Anyway, I can imagine that I would catch him on a lie like this and somehow found a way to press him about it, and his excuse would be :”Oh, I NORMALLY, never use WhatsApp, only to keep communication with family during the pandemic. I though you were asking about the regular times”. Let me tell you, it’s very difficult to live with a person like that. Everything they tell you is questioned and needs to be vetted for “fine print”. You are only a year in, I would consider getting to the bottom of this so you can make a choice if this type of relationship is acceptable to you. Edited March 29, 2020 by RedOlive 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderlust2018 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 I’m no tech expert, but agree with one of the previous replies about a known FB messenger “glitch” that would show those in ones friend list as “online” when they actually were not. Granted, you’re talking about WhatsApp, but it could be a similar issue since settings such as background app refresh and the like could conceivably make it appear as one is using it when perhaps they’re really not. It seems plausible to me, but again, I’m no tech expert. You might try doing some Google research for an answer which may put your mind at ease...or not. Have you checked this online status when you’ve been able to physically observe him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 29, 2020 Author Share Posted March 29, 2020 10 hours ago, kendahke said: You already know he's lying--you don't need him to look you in the face and lie about it some more and cop an attitude. The question is: are you ready to end your relationship by the end of the weekend? While he may have a legitimate reason for using the app, more likely he's talking to someone else. Take a screenshot of his activity on the app and send it to him and tell him this doesn't look like "not really". Be prepared for your relationship to end in that moment. The easy thing to do, if he wasn't up to something he couldn't let you see, is to say to you "yeah, I'm talking to whomever" and not play you out by saying "not really" when, as you say, 1 minute after leaving your side, he was on the app. that is your gut telling you there's a disturbance in the force Thank you for your thoughts. Will it seem crazy if I send a screenshot or allow him to know I have been monitoring his activity? Do I look like the insecure girlfriend? At the moment I am! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 You have been dating a year and yet you seem uncomfortable talking with him. Is it because you fear this is potentially a relationship ending conversation? If so, why? After a year I would think you were pretty close. Some people are married within a year of meeting one another. Are you two exclusive to one another and that is understood by both parties? I sense you fear the answer and that is why you are beating around the bush. Put it on the table and let him explain. If he's looking for someone else the sooner you find out the better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Can you offer some context? How old are you guys? Do you live together/how often do you see each other? Have you observed anything else that makes you suspicious or is it just this? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 35 minutes ago, Hurt1234 said: Thank you for your thoughts. Will it seem crazy if I send a screenshot or allow him to know I have been monitoring his activity? Do I look like the insecure girlfriend? At the moment I am! Yes, absolutely. If you want shoot yourself right in the foot, that will do it. I use What's App as my regular communication channel. Where I live, nearly everyone uses it in place of texting. Friends, colleagues, working professionals, the works. It's not necessarily a red flag in and of itself. Do you have any other reason to believe he's being unfaithful? Why not simply have a face-to-face conversation about this? Firing off a screenshot is going to immediately put him on the defensive and it comes across as accusatory. You won't have a productive conversation if that's how you approach it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 He's already lied about it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 You never alert cheaters to what you "suspect" as they will deny deny deny and then take all it underground. If he is messaging another woman the minute you tell him you you think he is up to no good on Whatsapp he will feed you a line to suss out what you really know and if he thinks you know little he will stop using Whatsapp and just download another messaging app and carry on... In order to out a cheater you need to be sure of your evidence, do not rely on him to confess. He may be your "best friend", but if he is a cheater be prepared for him to lie to your face again and again to cover up his "activities". Lie low, eyes and ears open, get some real evidence before you make a move. OR if you feel you have enough evidence then just leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 Question: does he have a history of cheating that you may have heard from someone in passing? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Hurt1234 said: Thank you for your thoughts. Will it seem crazy if I send a screenshot or allow him to know I have been monitoring his activity? Do I look like the insecure girlfriend? At the moment I am! Honestly, kind of ... I mean if you had no substantial reason to start monitoring his WhatsApp activity and you did, that does seem like a display of insecurity. Maybe it was your spidey senses tingling. A lot of times you have that visceral feeling of something being off, but never discover any evidence, so you brush it off insecurity.. This time you do have some evidence that he is lying because of your insecurities that led you to investigate this. But because you don’t have any hard evidence and he has already lied, the others are right that it is almost certain he will continue to lie and deny when confronted unless you have solid proof of something and even then he might try to lie about it. I see no benefit in asking him again. Edited March 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 If he's denied being on WhatsApp, you don't even need to show a screenshot. Just write him on WhatsApp. He already knows you're suspicious. You can't make him come clean. He will just lie and try to make it all seem like you're paranoid or it's your fault he's looking around. So it's really down to YOU deciding what to do about it now you know he's at a minimum lying to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 29, 2020 Share Posted March 29, 2020 if you were him, you’d deny til the cows came home too Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) WhatsApp is another texting app for communication. There shouldn't be anything suspicious about using it. It does have some features that may be helpful, but it has been a while since I used it. You can check to see if the recipient has read your message. I would think that if the bf wanted to cheat he'd use the native texting app so that he is not 'seen' online and active. 🤔 But, he did sort of lie to you. His "not really" is an admission that he does, but also an attempt to downplay it. I suspect he knows that you know. But how does his use of the app constitute cheating? You have evidence that he is texting another girl(s)? Edited March 30, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Will it seem crazy if I send a screenshot or allow him to know I have been monitoring his activity? Do I look like the insecure girlfriend? At the moment I am! You're confusing things here. In response to his lying, you SHOULD feel insecure about the relationship and your position in his life. That feeling of insecurity is real and healthy ... you've been lied to ... blatantly. That's a betrayal ... and that betrayal could very well be a sign of more betrayal ... as in ... he isn't being loyal to you. Ideally you would get to some anger ... and anger (as long as we don't get stuck) is the emotion that gives us backboard ... that gives us courage to say, "no, this is not acceptable. You lied to me." But a lot of people have trouble accessing anger ... and so ... for now, feeling insecure ... is reasonable. Anytime you feel insecure as you feel now, you need to confront your partner, have a discussion. But ... in order to really confront someone, you have to get clear in your mind what a good outcome is. Right now, it's like you want to send him a screenshot and get him to explain himself--I'm sensing that's your thought process. And you're worried that he'll be offended. Eff whether he will be offended. You have to stand up for yourself ... So ... back to ideals ... ideally your response to him wouldn't just be "explain" ... but would also have a bit of bite as if to say, "look, I don't put up with lying." If you cannot add that bite, confronting him does no good ... now we get to the next question ... are you really someone who will not put up with lying? Are you? We don't look insecure when we confront someone about a discrepancy ... We ARE insecure ... and communicate insecurity ... when we let someone get away with lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 UPDATE: I confronted him face to face. I showed him the screenshots of his activity online, he said he spoke to guys in a group that morning. I asked to explain his afternoon activity right up until he met me, he said he has no idea that I can't go by these social media apps they aren't always accurate. I asked to see his phone, it was an arguement but he did. When he opened Whatsapp I did see the top unread message with a womans photo on it but could not read the message as he scrolled down to hide the top message and show his group chat with his guy friends. He said he didn't scroll, not hiding anything and wouldn't show me again. We went our separate ways and he deleted his Whatsapp as he is no longer on my list....like you'r not talking to her through regular text now??? I'm not stupid and I am devastated! 3 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 I'm sorry that this happened but at least you know the truth now and you will be able to get over it and have some closure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Good job to confront him. Now it's time to block him for a week ... perhaps two weeks ... If he's totally innocent, he will come begging back to you. But you cannot negotiate with him until after he gets totally clean and stops the hiding and evading. Seriously, I would block him for two weeks ... phone ... apps ... social media ... and be ready to end the relationship. Feel devastated but also get to feeling pissed. And stay focused here ... The issue isn't a debate about details ... "I was talking to some guys." The issue is, "When you tell me you're not on social media, and then i see you, I don't put up with that." That's your stand. Congratulations ... I know you're in pain ... but there is worse pain ... far worse ... the pain of what you're feeling now + the pain of betraying yourself and keeping going despite all you now know. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Dump the chump 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt1234 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 5 hours ago, SummerDreams said: I'm sorry that this happened but at least you know the truth now and you will be able to get over it and have some closure. Getting over this one will be easier to say then actually do...thank you for the kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts