Unsure about relationship with girlfriend of 4 years

[zigzag_2]

I have been with my current girlfriend for almost 4 years now. She is a very caring person. We have a very calm and harmonious life. In fact, we have never yet argued which, thinking about some of my past relationships, I really value. We have a lot of fun together and enjoy a lot of the same pastimes. We also have a few deeper things in common, for example: we are both unmaterialistic. I love my girlfriend very deeply and I value her kindness and various wonderful characteristics.

However, for a long time my instincts tell me that this will not work out, in the long term. I feel that we are insufficiently compatible on a deeper level. For example: our political views are different and I gravitate towards deep topics for conversation whereas she prefers to talk about lighter topics. Also I am not very attracted to her physically. Finally, although it breaks my heart to say it, I can’t really say I miss my girlfriend when we are not together.

I’ve been debating this with myself now for several months; I think that hesitating to break-up with her because it’s such a painful thing to do and I can’t bear the thought of the hurt it will cause. Also what we have seems so good in so many ways. Perhaps I am being a little greedy or unrealistic; wanting perfection. Also I wonder whether it is possible, for me in particular, to find a deeper connection, as I can’t say that I’ve really had any close and genuine friends in my life. Any advice on this would be really appreciated.

[RedOlive]

The kind of compatibility you are describing is friendship, not a romantic relationship.

Attraction and romantic love is what differentiates a couple from platonic friends. Does your girlfriend know how you feel? Come clean with your  girlfriend and let HER decide.

Edited March 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[zigzag_2]

Just to clarify, as a newbie to this forum, I’m not seeking to be judged and convicted here on the basis of the 270 odd words that I wrote. Helpful advice will be most appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RedOlive said:

First, the kind of compatibility you are describing is friendship, not a romantic relationship. You are not attracted to your girlfriend and you don’t miss her when apart.

I was about to write the same thing. What you describe sounds like a solid friendship, OP, but not a love match. 

As for not being attracted to her, I wonder, has this always been an issue for you? I am curious how you two got together and have made it to the 4-year mark if you've generally struggled with the physical chemistry. 

For context, how old are you both? 

[zigzag_2]

I understand what you write about compatibility, and certainly the attraction is worrying. There are other things that I value about the relationship and her as a person. However, I do see the distinction that you are drawing between friendship and romantic relationship and that makes a lot of sense. I guess I have limited experience of both forms of relationship.

I think that's a very good question. Perhaps I phrased that part too strongly. I’m not un-attracted to her. But I wonder whether what I feel is enough. I couldn’t say I desire her and I don’t think that’s ever been the case. Our sex life is good, but I think our libidos and preferences are a bit different.

We met at work. I guess that for the first few years we visited a lot of places and did a lot of things together, perhaps that masked the level of compatibility.

We’re in our 30s.

 

[elaine567]

Have you discussed children?

[zigzag_2]

Yes, neither of us want children

[preraph]

This is the part I don't get. If you've never had any desire for her, why would you have ever had sex with her? I mean if you're able to have sex, that basically is desire. It's not love but it's a desire to get physical with her.

[zigzag_2]

That's a good point. So, I guess there is desire. But I feel it could be stronger. I mean, when I'm away from her I don't think about the next time we will be together physically. I guess that the strength of desire,  in a relationship, fades over time. But I don't think it was there at the start

[Azincourt]

15 minutes ago, preraph said:

This is the part I don't get. If you've never had any desire for her, why would you have ever had sex with her? I mean if you're able to have sex, that basically is desire. It's not love but it's a desire to get physical with her.

 

No, a man doesn't need to feel sexually attracted to someone in order to manage an erection. I'll sleep with anyone when I'm having a dry spell of 2 weeks.

The desire for sex alone is more than enough to want to sleep with anyone who is willing, even if you are neither emotionally attracted or physically attracted to someone. My dad used to work with a guy who got fired because he slept with every woman who worked in the company, including the women who were really, really, not his type.

His answer to my father's question to why would you sleep with that or that woman.

''every woman is beautiful when the lights are turned off.''

Curiously, that's also what my father's father told me when I was a young lad.

Dunno about OP, but maybe he has feelings for his girlfriend, lacks a physical attraction for her, but he sleeps with her under the hope that his physical desire for her will grow in time.

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Azincourt

[preraph]

That's just sad. People should have a little more self-control.

[Azincourt]

Just now, preraph said:

That's just sad. People should have a little more self-control.

Nah. It's not sad.

That's like saying drinking 3 liters of water a day is sad, and that we should just have more self-control. It's good for you and for your health.

As a guy, you have to take what is offered, because you never know when the next offer is coming from, or IF it's coming at all.

My house can collapse tomorrow while I sleep and take me to Neverland, never to wake up again.

I might get in a car crash and lose the use of the lower-half of my body. Then what?

Take what is offered, doesn't matter if she's a 19 year old Laetitia Casta, or if she's overweight and you are really not into that body type, because maybe tomorrow or the day after you'll not be able to get any from anyone.

[preraph]

Are you expecting to still be able to be friends with this girl after you dump her? because at some point she's going to move on and get a new boyfriend and that boyfriend isn't going to let her keep talking to you. So you just want to make sure that you have no problem with that.

[zigzag_2]

I understand what Azincourt wrote, the desire for sex is strong in both men and women. But I don’t think that isn’t what’s happening in my case, I love my girlfriend. If it was only about sex this would be a much simpler situation; there is also the compatibility side. I wonder how much the “average” couple has in common on a deeper level.

[Azincourt]

Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

I once dated a woman who had romantic feelings for me, but she wasn't sexually attracted to me, so the sex rarely happened, when it happened it was I who had to initate it, and it wasn't good.

What makes you feel like you aren't compatible with your girlfriend on a deeper level? beyond sex.

[preraph]

If women had sex with just any old body that they really have no attraction or sexual desire for instead of just masturbating, there would be a hue and cry around the world from men.  Men would never be able to trust women again.

 

Women I know would rather just masturbate from now on than have sex with some guy they have no attraction for.  Much rather.  

Edited March 29, 2020 by preraph

[zigzag_2]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Are you expecting to still be able to be friends with this girl after you dump her? because at some point she's going to move on and get a new boyfriend and that boyfriend isn't going to let her keep talking to you. So you just want to make sure that you have no problem with that.

I have had a past experience with remaining friends with a past girlfriend. I think it doesn't work; partly because both sides move on, as you say, and the new partners find it unsettling and wrong. Also it just prolongs the agony of the break-up on both sides. So, I think I would accept we couldn’t remain friends.

[preraph]

This is probably the best partner this guy is ever going to be able to find. He can have this or he can possibly once in a blue moon find someone who he's attracted to and manipulate into bed.

Edited March 29, 2020 by preraph

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you think she suspects you feel this way, OP?

[zigzag_2]

No, I doubt it. I want to get my thoughts straight before raising the topic.

[Els]

5 hours ago, zigzag_2 said:

I’ve been debating this with myself now for several months; I think that hesitating to break-up with her because it’s such a painful thing to do and I can’t bear the thought of the hurt it will cause.

If this is your primary reason for hesitating, you really should NOT hesitate. It will be far less painful for her to break up now than in 10 years' time.

Quote

Also I wonder whether it is possible, for me in particular, to find a deeper connection, as I can’t say that I’ve really had any close and genuine friends in my life.

I think it is definitely possible (I'm married to such a person), but it is a bit concerning that you have never had any close friends. How old are you? Do you know why you have never had a close friend?

 

[zigzag_2]

21 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

but it is a bit concerning that you have never had any close friends. How old are you? Do you know why you have never had a close friend?

I agree. I'm in my 30s. I don't know exactly why this is. I think my life experiences, have been quite different from the norm, which doesn't help with relating to people.

I wonder how much of the deeper things most happly married people have in common?

[Els]

14 minutes ago, zigzag_2 said:

I agree. I'm in my 30s. I don't know exactly why this is. I think my life experiences, have been quite different from the norm, which doesn't help with relating to people.

Right, I'm the same way too, I don't have a large number of friends, although I do have a small group of close friends. But zero in 30 years would be somewhat unusual I think... did you just never feel the desire to connect with another human being beyond a relationship?

Quote

I wonder how much of the deeper things most happly married people have in common?

I guess it differs depending on the couple and their priorities. For H and I, having a significant overlap of worldviews, interests, and personality traits is extremely important. But we aren't 100% the same of course, there will be differences regardless of who you are with, because you are both individuals. However, we do have enough overlap for a strong emotional connection.

If you don't feel an emotional connection then you don't, there is no purpose in trying to force a square peg into a round hole. If it has never happened in 4 years it will almost certainly never happen IMO.

Edited March 29, 2020 by Elswyth

[zigzag_2]

It’s not that I haven’t had any friends. I've know quite a few people that I would regard as friends. But most were met through work and I don’t think there is depth beyond our shared profession. I can consult them about work and share things that have happened in that arena. But I don’t feel they could advise me personal matters, so there isn’t a lot of depth.

Thanks for commenting on the part about compatibility. That was really helpful. I don’t really have a sense of what is normal, so it’s good to hear people’s views. My girlfriend and I have some of those things in common too. I checked the definition of “emotional connection”. That was very helpful. Things mentioned include: 1) Feeling like they “get you”, 2) Constantly thinking about them. 3) Your values are in sync.. Those things are not the case with us.

[preraph]

If this is the only real deep friendship you've had, then I would surely advise you not to walk away from it.  I mean, what has changed that would enable you to be social and find someone if it's that hard for you to just make real friends.  (and I agree most work friendships are not real or deep)