Unsure about relationship with girlfriend of 4 years

[Cookiesandough]

Yea, it’s not gonna feel good, man. But you have to work up the courage to end this. Sooner rather than later. Sorry. 

[zigzag_2]

28 minutes ago, preraph said:

If this is the only real deep friendship you've had, then I would surely advise you not to walk away from it.  I mean, what has changed that would enable you to be social and find someone if it's that hard for you to just make real friends.  (and I agree most work friendships are not real or deep)

I agree with almost all of what you wrote. I think your question about what has changed is a very pertinent one. However, I still wonder whether what I have is sustainable in the long term for the reasons I mentioned e.g. lack of emotional connection.

[preraph]

Just because we want something doesn't always mean we have changed enough to get it.  I suppose either way, it would be a growth opportunity for you.   Not everyone finds someone else.  Just keep giving it some thought.  Also think about if you would be okay if you ended up alone and just didn't find anyone.  I mean, maybe you can do some online dating, but it is brutal and not for the feint of heart.  Do you have anyone within your personal sphere you think might be a good candidate who shows any interest?  Do you have anyone who would set you up with their lady friends?  Would you go out to bars and clubs?  Do you have active hobbies that include women and have you ever met any through those hobbies that you could maybe ask out?  Would you be willing to join some meetup groups or a bowling league or whatever to get you out there, or maybe volunteer with animal rescue groups?  Do you have a dog you can take to the dog park and meet people there (that's really a good place to talk to people because you just follow your dog and it kind of forces you to talk to whoever it goes to!)  

 

Just consider if your lifestyle lends itself to meeting people or if you'd be willing to change it to where it did, or if you'd feel awkward doing all that.  

[Els]

55 minutes ago, zigzag_2 said:

Thanks for commenting on the part about compatibility. That was really helpful. I don’t really have a sense of what is normal, so it’s good to hear people’s views. My girlfriend and I have some of those things in common too. I checked the definition of “emotional connection”. That was very helpful. Things mentioned include: 1) Feeling like they “get you”, 2) Constantly thinking about them. 3) Your values are in sync.. Those things are not the case with us.

I can say that we definitely have all of those things.

I mean, I won't try to tell you what to do. All I'm saying is, if the main concern you have about breaking up is "hurting her", I don't think that should be a reason for staying. Breakups can be painful, but being with someone who feels the way that you do about her, is worse IMO. I get that she doesn't want kids, hence the biological clock isn't an issue, but even then we all have a fixed number of years to live. I don't think it's fair to her to spend more than she already has with a man who feels this way about her.

At the very least you should tell her how you feel so she can decide what to do, in my opinion.

[Whodatdog]

4 hours ago, zigzag_2 said:

I agree with almost all of what you wrote. I think your question about what has changed is a very pertinent one. However, I still wonder whether what I have is sustainable in the long term for the reasons I mentioned e.g. lack of emotional connection.

It actually is sustainable for you, since you really have nothing to compare it to. It will be sustainable....until it isnt. It wont be sustainable if you feel you are missing something in the relationship, or if, and when, you meet someone who pushes all your buttons that your current girlfriend doesnt. There are a lot of relationships out there that are like yours, and they seem to work for the simple reason that its all that the people involved want, and are content with. Everyones definition of a sustainable relationship can be different. The bottom line is, if it works for both parties involved, then its sustainable. Only you can answer that.

[lolablue17]

Is your girlfriend attracted to you the same as you to her? Or is she very hot and passionate for you, much more than you to her?

[zigzag_2]

Thanks for these valuable comments and advice.

Preraph: I agree, what is achievable, for me, in relationship terms very much depends on where I am emotionally i.e. whether I can learn and develop or whether I remain unchanged. I agree with you; this could be an opportunity for growth. If this relationship ends, then it’s imperative that I learn from the experience to avoid simply repeating the pattern. Being alone is fine, if that happens. There are one or two people who have shown interest in me but I need to take more care to assess suitability before committing to another relationship. Groups related to hobbies is an option. I tried that quite a lot in the past and didn’t come across people with whom I could connect. Hopefully I’m now in a different place, and so that could be different.

Elswyth: I totally agree, it’s not fair to continue feeling given the way I feel and that’s unlikely to change. I plan to discuss it. But I want to get things clear in my own mind first. Presenting this, when I myself am confused will only make a bad situation worse.

Whodatdog: I agree with your reasoning, and I think your logic is very sound. You also mention a potential hazard that could arise in the future, namely that I could met someone who has the things I feel are missing from this relationship. Also, the more time goes by, the harder a break up becomes. I know exactly what you mean about there being “There are a lot of relationship like yours”, I’ve seen it myself.

lolablue17: That’s a good question. Probably the attraction level is similar on both sides. However, I don’t honestly know and I think she is not a very passionate person by nature.

[mark clemson]

On 3/29/2020 at 8:59 AM, zigzag_2 said:

I wonder how much the “average” couple has in common on a deeper level.

You might consider doing some internet research on this topic, especially if you are looking to the long term. My layman's view is that people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time and even a "perfectly compatible" couple can grow apart over decades. They can also grow together over time, and that fact should not be overlooked.

Some LT couples stay very well matched, but many divorce or stay together for reasons other than "passionate love" and/or having a lot in common at a "deeper level". For example, religious views, social expectations, "the kids", co-dependence, perceived lack of better options, financial interdependence, "comfort level", and even simple inertia may all be in play.

I think the bottom line is that neither "strong initial spark" or "deeper compatibility" reliably lead to LTR success, although they may help in some cases.

[Azincourt]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You might consider doing some internet research on this topic, especially if you are looking to the long term. My layman's view is that people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time and even a "perfectly compatible" couple can grow apart over decades. They can also grow together over time, and that fact should not be overlooked.

Some LT couples stay very well matched, but many divorce or stay together for reasons other than "passionate love" and/or having a lot in common at a "deeper level". For example, religious views, social expectations, "the kids", co-dependence, perceived lack of better options, financial interdependence, "comfort level", and even simple inertia may all be in play.

I think the bottom line is that neither "strong initial spark" or "deeper compatibility" reliably lead to LTR success, although they may help in some cases.

 

I  read somewhere that arranged marriage couples reported a higher level of happiness over time, but I wonder if it's just people doing what they can, because they can't get a divorce, whereas getting a divorce in the west is considerably easier.

 

I was reading an European report done on the sexual life of married men/long-term relationships, and it seems that men aged 30-60 report having sex about 4 times a month. People are probably not getting married and staying married out of sexual lust and satisfaction. Although I guess there are men who are satisfied with sex a few times a month.

People probably get married and stay together because they want to have children, want to be a homeowner, and it gets easier to do so by getting married.

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

People probably get married and stay together because they want to have children, want to be a homeowner, and it gets easier to do so by getting married.

Perhaps. I'm not sure, but I have read that "settling" for pretty good (rather than fantastic) relationships is often how families get made. I have also read that the "lower emotional intensity" relationships tend to last longer over time, metaphorically kind of like a slower burn candle vs fireworks kind of thing.

I don't have research to back that up. The articles I read claimed to, but I didn't go saving links or anything, so take with as big a grain of salt as you feel is warranted.

[Azincourt]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps. I'm not sure, but I have read that "settling" for pretty good (rather than fantastic) relationships is often how families get made.

I feel that most people who get to their mid 30s to early 40s and are still single, end up settling one way or another, especially if they want to have children. Love-based relationships and sex-based relationships can work in the long-run, if by working we mean relationships that last until one of the participants dies of old age, but they're probably rare.

I feel like that many of the people who are married are people who want a divorce, but they feel like they'd be left in a worse situation than the one they are in, if they got divorced so they stay married. It's a very complicated subject.

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

 

I have also read that the "lower emotional intensity" relationships tend to last longer over time, metaphorically kind of like a slower burn candle vs fireworks kind of thing.

Oh, there are relationships that seem to last based on an emotional connection.

 

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I don't have research to back that up. The articles I read claimed to, but I didn't go saving links or anything, so take with as big a grain of salt as you feel is warranted.

 

[lolablue17]

3 hours ago, zigzag_2 said:

Probably the attraction level is similar on both sides. However, I don’t honestly know and I think she is not a very passionate person by nature.

I know a couples that opened their marriage. The ones that did it out of absense of sexual attraction to one another, survived and kept their marriage, which seems to be the case in your situation. You are not attracted to her, so you won't be jealous if she has sex with others and vise versa. Why to ruin something good only because of sex?