Is My Pregnant Girlfriend Falling out of Love? Am I at fault?

[bobross00]

My girlfriend and I were dating a few months prior to her becoming pregnant. She seemed to be crazy over me, and was keen on getting married after her pregnancy.

She's 7 months pregnant now and things have taken a turn. We had a large argument a few months ago that affected things. Here are a list of our arguments that have affected our relationship. The first one is what set things off in a bad direction

1) I have the type of job where i may have to look out of state for a better opportunity. She gave me the option to move in a few years, or stay where we are forever. This is because she's worried that her father wont be able to get a job in the future in our new location, and therefore she can't be near her parents. She says "if my parent can't go, i'm not going". I told her i can't promise to stay forever. ---- A few months back, i told her mom the same and her response was "but [name] wont be able to get a job"... to me this struck me as selfish. And that her mom may have a large influence on my gf's thoughts. I tried to compromise, and mention that i'd tell them a yea ahead of time if i need to get another job. 

2) She wants to spoil our child. She says "I'm going to try and get her whatever she wants, if i can". She's never going to tell our child 'no'.. I told her that our kid may turned out spoiled if we do this. You can't always say yes to our child's heart's desire.

3) Recently she picked out a stroller and told me about it. We agreed that i'd by this. I wanted to do a little research for myself, on the cost vs safety. She blows up after i mention this and says i don't trust her.

3) During the coronavirus pandemic, she wanted very specific water. I later learned that she wanted it because it's filtered better ? I offered the solution to get more water for the least amount of money, because who knows if everyone will take all of the kind that she wants. She blows up before I can even get the full sentence out, and says "why can't you just get me water"

4) I work at a pretty large company. She wanted me to send out a message to all of the coworkers in my team asking if they've been overseas, after learning about coronavirus. I refused to do so, and simply said "i'm not going to do that"... and this was a big deal.

5) I accidentally let the cat in her room (cat poop carries diseases that can transfer to the baby), and she went on a cursing rampage. "I told him to not let the f**king cat in"... "He never f**king listens" .... f**k ... f**king, etc --- She also makes it a point that my clothes dont touch her vagina, because she is paranoid about not getting an infection or something, that can hurt the baby... While i was trying to get the cat out, i accidentally brushed up against her. She then starts yelling to her my that "i touched her vagina, and that she told me not to" ... I feel like she was trying to frame me, but then she corrected herself.

So i'm not sure what i'm dealing with here. Am I wrong? I'm not sure if this is hormones or what. She seems to be growing further and further. Never says i love you anymore, never calls first. -- I asked her recently if she thinks we'd be together if it wasn't for the baby and she said "no probably not, we just have different beliefs". She says she wants to wait after the pregnancy and see if it brings us together.

 

I've noticed that she's also complained about her and I not talking much when we get on the phone. ... Her mom even chimed in first and said "that is your guy's conversation?", because we happened to be silent. 

Edited March 29, 2020 by bobross00
additional info

[preraph]

It doesn't sound like a love match to me. She's not even ready to separate from her parents. That's how immature she is. I mean I do not blame her for not wanting to move away from them right when she's about to have a baby though. And if she's just super close to them and then she may not ever move away from them which would not be the life for me but that's an individual choice. 

 

you're going to have responsibilities and be the father of this child whether you're with her or not. I think what you should do is get a lawyer and make sure you get joint custody so that you have the child half the time and she has a child half the time, but depending on where you live, you won't be able to just get up and move and take the child with you. so now that you have gotten a girl pregnant, you kind of do have to stay in one place. And it sounds like she's not willing to move and she certainly not going to be willing to move if you two don't marry, which I don't think you should because it doesn't even sound like you get along or have common goals. 

 

but yeah you are going to have to stay there if you want to be in that child's life. So that's your basic decision here. Kids change everything.

[bobross00]

43 minutes ago, preraph said:

It doesn't sound like a love match to me. She's not even ready to separate from her parents. That's how immature she is. I mean I do not blame her for not wanting to move away from them right when she's about to have a baby though. And if she's just super close to them and then she may not ever move away from them which would not be the life for me but that's an individual choice. 

 

 

She never wants to move away. Im fine with staying with them for now. But if i have to get another job, and that job is in another state, she is not going to go, if her parents cant make it their either. 

 

Her mom is a big influence on this. She tells her "you better not leave me".... But she is dead series. She's not joking. Her mom also wants "all of her daughters near her, and thats why if i move, her other daughters may not be able to come either. --- shes pissed at the older daughter for moving away with her boyfriend and says my gf is now her favorite daughter. She's a large influence on my girlfriend's thoughts

[preraph]

Yeah, that's really not healthy. I'm not sure how much of an adult she can be if this is where she's at with her mom still completely dominating her and controlling her. But that's not anything you can fix. she's likely going to be cleaving to your mom and her sisters when she has this baby.  

[basil67]

Your girlfriend strikes me as being young and some of this behaviour could be explained by age.  How old is she?

 

[bobross00]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your girlfriend strikes me as being young and some of this behaviour could be explained by age.  How old is she?

 

She's 23, and i'm 24. She had 2 week left of student teaching before graduating from university. She's going to complete this in september. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Many people will not change their behavior until they are forced to; your arguments about how to spend your money will take the back burner when you dont have any... There will be unseen expenses, possibly even health problems with your child or even childcare if she wants to go back to teaching.

If this were the other way around, if you were the immature one, I think this would be a deal breaker for the relationship, but for her, she will mature quickly once the child is here.

If shes at 7 months and you dont have a stable job though, that is a big issue, for sure. Moving states once the child is born will be very difficult... I also cant blame her for bringing up the fact that her dad cant get a job out of state, because that statement makes it sound like she has very little faith in your earning potential.

Overall, you two are clearly not ready to be having children, sounds like your gonna have a rough go of it... You should of gotten well ahead of this situation, your at the point now where she could potentially have the baby at any time... 

Good luck.

[bobross00]

she's worried about her dad not being able to find a job, solely because him and her mother wouldnt be able to move where ever we are. He would be too old to pick up a job in the engineering field apparently.

 

I make $75k a year, so finances arent a problem. 

[healing light]

Less than a year in... this doesn't bode well. That last one on the list sounds like she has anxiety in some form, almost sounds OCDish to me, to be totally honest. I don't like how she was cussing you out and I wouldn't blame it on hormones. I know these are uncertain times, but I think it's in adversity that a person reveals their true colors. The problem is that less than a year in you're really still getting to know someone, so you don't even have a baseline to see if this is the circumstances, the pregnancy, or how she handles stress in general/who she is.

It sounds like you guys have different values and she is prioritizing her parent's input over yours. I see multiple layers of issues in this post. Unfortunately once she has the child, if you guys do separate, I don't know if the custody arrangement could affect where you can settle down for your career. I would try to look into your legal rights and counseling if you can in order to improve the communication with her since there is a child involved. 

[bobross00]

Yea she has pretty bad anxiety as of late. We originally had twins, but about 1.5 months into her pregnancy, one of them didnt make it. Ever since then, her anxiety has been on high.

[BaileyB]

It sounds to me like she got pregnant before you had actually learned enough about each other to decide if this was going to be a good long term match. You never truly “chose” each other. And now, with time, you are learning the truth about this person and it’s not as pretty...

It does sound like she is dealing with some significant anxiety, made worse by her pregnancy, the loss of the twin pregnancy, and the virus. That’s tough.

It also sounds like she has a lot to learn about parenting. I feel badly for the baby, a mother who gives the child everything and never says “no” is not going to provide the child what they need to be successful life. The best of intentions, perhaps... But, it will be quite debilitating for the child if she does this... Parenting is hard enough when you are on the same page, it’s going to create a lot of stress in your relationship if you have different philosophies about parenting, especially if she is not willing to bend in any way...

Edited April 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

I have one word for you....hormones!

[Lotus_Luna]

She sounds hormonal

anxiety for sure which can be triggered by hormones

immature

 

just be prepared for her to struggle with self regulation.

I would be concerned of PPD or PPA.

as for not wanting to move away, I get that. She needs the emotional support right now. I would put the subject at rest for now. 

[bradt93]

On 3/29/2020 at 3:37 PM, bobross00 said:

My girlfriend and I were dating a few months prior to her becoming pregnant. She seemed to be crazy over me, and was keen on getting married after her pregnancy.

She's 7 months pregnant now and things have taken a turn. We had a large argument a few months ago that affected things. Here are a list of our arguments that have affected our relationship. The first one is what set things off in a bad direction

1) I have the type of job where i may have to look out of state for a better opportunity. She gave me the option to move in a few years, or stay where we are forever. This is because she's worried that her father wont be able to get a job in the future in our new location, and therefore she can't be near her parents. She says "if my parent can't go, i'm not going". I told her i can't promise to stay forever. ---- A few months back, i told her mom the same and her response was "but [name] wont be able to get a job"... to me this struck me as selfish. And that her mom may have a large influence on my gf's thoughts. I tried to compromise, and mention that i'd tell them a yea ahead of time if i need to get another job. 

2) She wants to spoil our child. She says "I'm going to try and get her whatever she wants, if i can". She's never going to tell our child 'no'.. I told her that our kid may turned out spoiled if we do this. You can't always say yes to our child's heart's desire.

3) Recently she picked out a stroller and told me about it. We agreed that i'd by this. I wanted to do a little research for myself, on the cost vs safety. She blows up after i mention this and says i don't trust her.

3) During the coronavirus pandemic, she wanted very specific water. I later learned that she wanted it because it's filtered better ? I offered the solution to get more water for the least amount of money, because who knows if everyone will take all of the kind that she wants. She blows up before I can even get the full sentence out, and says "why can't you just get me water"

4) I work at a pretty large company. She wanted me to send out a message to all of the coworkers in my team asking if they've been overseas, after learning about coronavirus. I refused to do so, and simply said "i'm not going to do that"... and this was a big deal.

5) I accidentally let the cat in her room (cat poop carries diseases that can transfer to the baby), and she went on a cursing rampage. "I told him to not let the f**king cat in"... "He never f**king listens" .... f**k ... f**king, etc --- She also makes it a point that my clothes dont touch her vagina, because she is paranoid about not getting an infection or something, that can hurt the baby... While i was trying to get the cat out, i accidentally brushed up against her. She then starts yelling to her my that "i touched her vagina, and that she told me not to" ... I feel like she was trying to frame me, but then she corrected herself.

So i'm not sure what i'm dealing with here. Am I wrong? I'm not sure if this is hormones or what. She seems to be growing further and further. Never says i love you anymore, never calls first. -- I asked her recently if she thinks we'd be together if it wasn't for the baby and she said "no probably not, we just have different beliefs". She says she wants to wait after the pregnancy and see if it brings us together.

 

I've noticed that she's also complained about her and I not talking much when we get on the phone. ... Her mom even chimed in first and said "that is your guy's conversation?", because we happened to be silent. 

Not to be an nosey or anything, but did you all plan the pregnancy or did it just happen? I say this, because I hope she didn't lie to you about not using birth control.

[Malin889]

You’re postings headline is, “Is my pregnant girlfriend falling out of love?” Were you ever in love?? You both don’t seem to get along very well and she seems jumpy at every little thing. You weren’t dating very long when she got pregnant. Before you mentioned it, I was actually going to ask you, “ Would you be with her if she wasn’t pregnant?” I think that’s your answer. You can still be in her and the baby’s life without being together.