Not even on a break. but heartbroken.

[Lilou1988]

I cannot simply believe I am back here asking for advice, when I thought I had found “The One”.

I have been dating this doctor for 9 months now. We met through our families. He’s 35 with a child from a previous relationship (with whom I get along super great). I’m 31. The first 7 months of our relationship were astonishing. He was (more than me) head over heels for me, making plans for the future (house, kids). We went on two overseas trips, he brought me to his doctor conferences as a spouse all over the country, we shared the same interest (both marathon runners, who love to hike, read, wine and chill, travel, camping, organic food, simplicity, etc.). We got along super great with our groups of friends and family. He was the most careful, nice, loving, calm and kind boyfriend.

Two months ago he started acting a little weird, less affectionate, I caught weird glimpses in his eyes, he started to become very susceptible. He is still dealing with custody issues of the child with his ex. We spent hours talking about it and how to make things better, which seems to help. We had a trip planned on the east coast in April and in Europe in May (now cancelled because Covid19) which he initiated and was looking forward to it. During those two months we fought quite a lot, but I thought we worked things out every time and thought that this was normal to adjust to our personalities after the “honeymoon phase” is over. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he told me he wasn’t happy, that everyone (including me) was getting on his nerves, and that he needed time alone to unwind, that the relationship had grow too fast. He said I was projecting my anxiety on him, always thinking he would leave me, and felt like he had too many responsibilities -was either working, taking care of his child or being with me, and this was overwhelming. I cried a lot but we ended up having a very loving night, where he said he loved me and cared about our relationship, etc. Everyday after this he texted me nice things. We had a talk on Tuesday (initiated by me) where he told me he still needed more time, he wished he was 15 y/o with no responsibilities, that I was the most perfect match for him but wasn’t sure HE LOVED ME ANYMORE. was unhappy and needed time to think. He said we were still in a relationship and would keep contact. Radio silence since Tuesday. I am desperate. I cry all the time or take my anxiety medication or drink too much wine and smoke cigs which I never do. I lost 12 pounds. It’s honestly horrible. Any advice when I should contact  him ? And what to say? Thanks in advance. Lilou xxx

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Lilou1988
Grammar

[TeddyBundy1993]

Either hes back to his ex or someone else in picture or he's really feeling that way. You'll find out soon. Give him time to sort out what's in his mind. The way hes behaving I am more certain someone else is in the his life be it his ex or someone else after new shiny relationshipwith you ended he moved to someone else.However expect for the worst. 

On the other hand 7 months is too soon to ask space like this. I doubt his capability to maintain and face challenges coming along in a long run relationship.  Leave him alone. Let him miss you. You sound desperate enough.  It's a turn down he knows you are available whenever he wants. Take time off from this s***. You are no more a teenager that you are smoking and drinking like crazy heartbreaks are awful but if dealed properly one realizes its self worth and move on soon. Reach to a family member or friends have and live a life without him for a while obsession will simply do no good to you. Take it slow, you 31 if this wont work someone else will come along. You dont contact him. Let him reach you. You give him dead silence bcz that's what he has asked  if you constantly reach to him he will get irritate meanwhile judge his actions how he behaves you'll know by actions itself, how much hes into you. 

[stillafool]

I agree that he probably is having second thoughts about his ex or wants to get to know someone new.  It sounds like you were arguing with him over not enough time spent with you and the arguing probably brought him back to reality.  He doesn't want to feel tied down again the way he was when he was married.  9 months is usually the point you decide if you want to go further or not.  Do not call him anymore wait for him to reach out to you.  When a person asks for space it annoys them and shows disrespect if you don't honor that choice.  Please realize that you cannot settle for being his friend just to somehow get him back.  You will only end up hurt even more.

[Lilou1988]

Thanks guys for the advise. I thought too that he was seeing someone else and confronted him about it. He said « this is a legit question. I totally understand why you would think that, but I honestly swear there isn’t anyone else. » and I can’t believe he would get back with his ex, she’s bipolar and used to physically and verbally assault him in front of their child. But it’s true that he said three weeks ago « that he still loved her and will always do » and that he did told me he couldn’t handle our fights, PTSD style. 

[ExpatInItaly]

How often were you arguing, and what about?

[basil67]

This stuff about you always thinking he would leave you - was this just during those last weeks when it all changed?  Or had your concerns started before that.   If it was before that, what things did he do which made you wary of this happening?

[schlumpy]

The way you describe his detachment is in stages. He is letting you go one piece at a time with regard to your feelings or his. Is there someone else? That's a possibility but if there's no proof you have to go with what he is telling you, however improbable.

The one thing you should clearly hear is that he wants to break it off. He's not asking you to change anything he just wants out. That's what you should concentrate on.

You can keep clinging as you are until he finally pulls the plug or you can preempt by cutting him out of your life. It's the only way to regain some control over your future. Much better for you to determine where you will be six months from now then allow him to do it.

 

[FMW]

I agree with the advice to not contact him in any way.  I know that's incredibly difficult. 

If you think back over your relationship there are probably things that you were just ignoring, warning signs that things weren't really as great as you wanted to believe.  basil'67s questions about when you started worrying about him leaving you are important to think about.  It's possible that you yourself weren't completely happy with things either, but decided to overlook any doubts.  Acknowledging those things (to yourself) might be helpful in dealing with this.

    

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Lilou1988 said:

But it’s true that he said three weeks ago « that he still loved her and will always do »

For some reason guys have a hard time letting the Bipolars go.  Look on this board at the guys who can't get over these girls and most are Bipolar.

[Rex12]

Hey OP, does he genuinely know how you feel about him? Do you feel you need to tell him again? If you're already certain he knows & there's nothing left for you to say, then go with the advice given and leave him be. Let him do some of the leg work here.

9 months is a significant enough amount of time for you to have good, loving memories of each other. Let him go, let him feel the void. If he doesn't get in touch, you have your answer. 

Schlumpy makes a good point. In six months time the fog you're in at the moment will have lifted. You may still feel hurt but it will be far more manageable. 

 

[Lilou1988]

Thank you all for your advices. Also, apologize for my English - French is my first language. 
To answer your questions:

- We were fighting about the fact that he ALWAYS talked about his ex, or the girl he felt in love with while he was with her, and how that made him realize he loved her just because she was kind to him. We also fought recently because he told me to book any hotel for our upcoming trip « no budget limit ». I managed to find a cute apartment, in the price for the city (like 220 USD a night) and I submitted to him before booking just to make sure (he didn’t check / said he couldn’t see the price...) He then accused me of not respecting his money. That was our biggest fight, lots of cries because this felt so unjust. But this was only since two months. Before that there was nothing, everything was as perfect as it can be. We had the loveliest Christmas time, we’ve received his entire family (17 people), happily decorated a huge Christmas tree with his child, and professed our love everyday, how lucky we were to have found each other. He said I don’t know how many time how he wished we could have met earlier. 

- I’ve been starting to feel insecure in this relationship when his demeanour started to change, two months ago. Before that I felt loved and thought we were building something together. He said to everyone around him that I was « the one ». I must also mention that I have a PTSD, having been rejected out of the blue by my ex boyfriend when I was 27 after 8 months of relationship.

- Yes he knows How I feel about him. I told him I was willing to make the efforts if he did too, because our relationship was precious to me. That for the past two months I was not happy with him and always walking on eggshells but that I believed we could both make the efforts to see if we can make it work. I said I was taking this time to think, as well. I was not idealizing our relationship - it’s super hard to be a stepmom and to deal with a doctor’s schedule. I wasn’t head over heels like he was when we met. I really fell in love with him when I got to know his personality.

It’s gonna be a week tomorrow night of NC. I have my therapist appointment and then I believe I will call him to see where he stands, to give him the opportunity to break up. This situation is unbearable and I feel I cannot grieve properly without this conversation. What do you guys think?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the honeymoon phase wore off and you're seeing who he really is, OP. 

Him constantly talking about an ex was a significant red flag. Had you pointed out that it made you uncomfortable? It sounds like he's got a lot of unfinished emotional business with her. 

Him having a tantrum about the hotel booking was also a concerning over-reaction. There were far more mature and respectable ways for him to handle that. 

I believe the bottom line is that he was on his best behaviour for the first few months of the relationship. And now, you're getting a better idea of his true character. It's not great. He may have been picking fights as a way to eventually end the relationship, too. I don't think I'd count on this coming back together well. He doesn't sound like a very good candidate for anything truly long-term. 

[FMW]

I would advise against contacting him.  I don't think he'll say anything that will make this more bearable for you.  If he breaks up, you're still going to be wondering why and replaying the relationship over and over again in your mind.

Consciously see this as a pause in your relationship, don't seek or expect communication.  Focus on yourself.  It sounds like this situation may have similarities to the breakup that caused serious anxiety for you, including a similar length of time in the relationship.  I think it's rare that relationships end without any warning whatsoever - I think usually we just refuse to acknowledge the warning signs along the way because we want to hang on to the relationship no matter what.  

Take some time and really think about things, including whether or not you really want to hang on so tightly to someone who clearly can't give you what you need.  

Again, I know it's really hard.  Most of us have been there.    

[Supernova11]

20 minutes ago, FMW said:

I would advise against contacting him. 

I second this. You get closure from yourself, not from someone else. You get closure when you realise that the conversation doesn’t matter. He has caused you enough pain.

[Redhead14]

20 hours ago, Lilou1988 said:

 He said we were still in a relationship and would keep contact. Radio silence since Tuesday.

Seriously???!!! You're allowing him to put you on a shelf and expect you to be there when HE decides to reach out and/or decides what will happen with YOUR life?????????  Please girl!  End this yourself right now!  How can this be a relationship??? He's exercising autonomy and you are keeping yourself in limbo.  Tell him you wish him well and move forward with your own life.  The block, delete, forget, forever.  You will likely feel relief once you are out from under this situation.  A good part of your anxiety is about this guy and the unknown and feeling powerless.  Once you take the power you actually have over the situation and end it yourself, you'll feel better for it. 

Edited March 30, 2020 by Redhead14

[Lilou1988]

Yeah so update: I couldn’t live in this limbo situation and I just asked him he we could talk. I know and he knows where this is going. Call scheduled in two hours. Rip the bandage. Man this is gonna hurt. I know you all say he is a jerk but remember that up until last week I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. Could not feel worst right now. 

[Malin889]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

For some reason guys have a hard time letting the Bipolars go.  Look on this board at the guys who can't get over these girls and most are Bipolar.

Very true. Certain men like women who have issues, or are a damsel in distress, etc etc. And if so, let him have her, and you can move on to someone who doesn't have a past or present with anyone else. Also, although it sounds like you both had a great time together, sometimes when you move too fast, with the trips, making plans with you, being head over heals for you as you say, things also burn fast. Sorry to say!  😞 

[lana-banana]

You learned some very valuable lessons in one shot:

1. When it burns that hot that fast, it almost always burns out. Even if you're both head over heels, a responsible partner will realize when the emotions are getting too strong and try to be reasonable.
2. Anybody who spends an excessive amount of time talking about an ex, or another woman, or The One That Got Away isn't available to you. When you engage them you're essentially just a distraction until they finally work up the nerve to take flight...and they will, every single time. 
3. Any man who wants to be with you won't let you go.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know how much it hurts. I dated one of these and it utterly devastated me. I thought I'd never love again, even though it wasn't love in any real, meaningful, mature way. When I met the man I went on to marry I realized I'd just been on a cloud of infatuation the whole time. Real love isn't all smiles and fancy trips and perfect holiday hosting. Real love involves frustration, inconvenience, and downright annoyance. Real love takes someone who works with you through their problems, not someone who immediately shuts you out.

Edited March 31, 2020 by lana-banana

[Lilou1988]

Thank you all for your advice. Turns out you were right. He dumped me three hours ago. Got my stuff, exchange keys, and Boum! That man is out of my life forever. We gave each other a big hug and that was it, following a 3 hours convo. I hurt so much right now it’s unbearable. I feel old and feel like by the time this will take to recover, my ovaries will be all dried. I knew this amount of pain existed, but I did not know it was possible to live it twice in 4 years. Dying would seem like a relief. 

[spiderowl]

I’m really sorry to hear what happened. I know there’s not much I can say that will relieve your pain at the moment. You are far more than your relationship with this guy and you will realise that gradually. 

One thing I would suggest for the future is not to let a guy dictate a relationship like this. The minute he did anything that made you feel uneasy or insecure, e.g. the ex talk, that is the time to question what you are doing and to distance yourself from him. It is a balancing act: if you become more insecure and get nervous about whether the relationship is real or not, then he is going to react to that unconscious pressure. However, if you put him at a distance for talking about his ex, he has to give up on you or realise that you are not someone who will hang around for him. He has to have more respect for you.

The minute he said he needed to think was the time you should have dumped him. I know it’s all too easy to say now. There is nothing worse than waiting for someone to make a decision about you. If you allow them that, you are giving them all the power.  Now is the time for you to take it back.

I know you are hurting badly at the moment. Please do not contact him or give him chance to contact you. This is where you take your power back, where he realises he has lost someone important. Refuse any contact, not in a mean way, just in a clear way. The guy is going to have to miss you.

You have idealised him somewhat. I am sure he is not that perfect. There were arguments so something wasn’t working for you. He gave you freedom to choose a holiday place then complained about the cost. That’s just mean. There’s no reason he couldn’t have given you a ballpark figure.

He did have a lot on his plate and may not have been coping. I think some guys who are separated with children avoid anything but casual relationships because they cannot cope with the multiple emotional demands and demands on their time. He could probably only have coped with a quarter of a relationship and then if it was minimal pressure, that means it would not be enough commitment for many women.

You have a lot to offer the right guy and this is not your fault. You will recover and will gradually realise that time and commitment was missing from the relationship. You deserve better than to be supporting someone with their busy life. Yours is just as important and your feelings matter too x
 

 

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like he is on the rebound and you were the rebound girl.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Lilou1988 said:

Thank you all for your advice. Turns out you were right. He dumped me three hours ago. Got my stuff, exchange keys, and Boum! That man is out of my life forever. We gave each other a big hug and that was it, following a 3 hours convo. I hurt so much right now it’s unbearable. I feel old and feel like by the time this will take to recover, my ovaries will be all dried. I knew this amount of pain existed, but I did not know it was possible to live it twice in 4 years. Dying would seem like a relief. 

What excuse did he use to dump you?

[Lilou1988]

"I don't want to be with you anymore". Simple as that. I keep having nightmarish flashbacks of this all the time.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lilou1988 said:

"I don't want to be with you anymore". Simple as that. I keep having nightmarish flashbacks of this all the time.

Did he give you a reason why?

[Lilou1988]

He said the sparkle was gone. But then he was all confused, by saying things like : «  I don’t need lust and fireworks in a relationship, I only want a stable relationship, sharing the same interests and trust ». This doesn’t make any sense because this is what we had. He was basically trying to find excuses to explain the feeling that was gone. My whole day is filled with tears. I cannot see how I can survive this. It’s basically the same has my break up four years ago. 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Lilou1988