Thinking back after 5 years

[Amethyst68]

No, it's disrespectful and immoral, no amount of debating's going to change that. Good try though.

We have no way of knowing the dynamic between the OP's mother and his wife, again just because a mother is loving to their child doesn't mean they accept their spouse/partner with open arms. We have no idea of their relationship before they stopped talking. If the OP's mother was aware and accepted the OW at the time then yes, it does show the BW was correct in her boundaries.

Respect and boundaries matter to most people. Involving your AP with your family is not acceptable to the majority of people despite what you may think. 

[pepperbird]

So your children are adults, and you still feel like you can't leave?
What's really holding you in your marriage? What are you afraid of?
Have you ever really been on your own before?

The only one is charge of your life right now is you. Looking ahead to the future, what would you like it to look like? How will you make that happen?

[sandylee1]

I agree that introducing the OW to your family was wrong on so many levels. They colluded with your infidelity ...that's very bad. 

 

How would you feel if your wife took her affair partner to meet her family? That's like saying you mean nothing.

Your family colluded with you and if I was your wife,  I wouldn't want to have anything to do with them ever again.

What reason did she give for ignoring your family  for years? And why did you not deal with the issue.

Many mothers are sweetness and like to their child and others,  but not the DIL. Often reserving their comments and snide remarks till it's just them and the DIL.

I see a lot of conflict avoidance on your post. You're even to scared to raise the issue of separation and divorce. 

I have to question if you're a good judge of character,  because according to you, everything is your wife's fault and has been from the beginning. 

Why would a sane person automatically dislike your family members for no reason? It doesn't  make sense.

The 2 of you need to seperate and find happiness elsewhere. 

[moonman1]

I have been reading this forum for last few days.  Yes cheating is bad, I take full blame for it.  But marriage falling apart even before affair is responsibility on both of our parts. I see from this forum that some BW never take any hard look at themselves as to what role they might have taken in demise of their marriage. My mother was in a nursing home with dementia, she needed clothes, home cooked food that she missed and OW on her own decided to do this.  My mother had no idea who she was.  And my wife was planning a vacation and still unforgiving for petty things, yes they were petty such as one kid got gift for $20 while other got for $25.  

There is also some truth to the fact that time with my OW made my marriage more bearable.  I thought after DD if I worked hard enough we would eventually have a satisfying marriage.  And believe me when I say worked on it, but I also know that some BW will find faults in no matter how hard I tried.  Regardless I am preparing for divorce.  I do not care if I am alone all of my life but I do know there are meaningful, kind people out there.  My fault is I cheated, its been five years since then and I've worked on myself.  I will never cheat again.  

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, moonman1 said:

yes they were petty such as one kid got gift for $20 while other got for $25.

OK "petty" but why did your mother do that?
My guess there is another story here that you are not aware of.
The MIL/DIL relationship can be wonderful, but often it involves a lot of biting of tongues and smiling through snide and hurtful remarks.
Seems like the dementia gave your wife the excuse to not pretend any more.

[SummerDreams]

17 minutes ago, moonman1 said:

I have been reading this forum for last few days.  Yes cheating is bad, I take full blame for it.  But marriage falling apart even before affair is responsibility on both of our parts. I see from this forum that some BW never take any hard look at themselves as to what role they might have taken in demise of their marriage. My mother was in a nursing home with dementia, she needed clothes, home cooked food that she missed and OW on her own decided to do this.  My mother had no idea who she was.  And my wife was planning a vacation and still unforgiving for petty things, yes they were petty such as one kid got gift for $20 while other got for $25.  

There is also some truth to the fact that time with my OW made my marriage more bearable.  I thought after DD if I worked hard enough we would eventually have a satisfying marriage.  And believe me when I say worked on it, but I also know that some BW will find faults in no matter how hard I tried.  Regardless I am preparing for divorce.  I do not care if I am alone all of my life but I do know there are meaningful, kind people out there.  My fault is I cheated, its been five years since then and I've worked on myself.  I will never cheat again.  

You have to remember that everyone in this forum has their own baggage and sometimes it's normal that we people tranfer this baggage to our replies and advise we are asked. So please don't take anything personally. You only know your story, your wife, what you went through and how you have worked on yourself to make yourself better. Only you know what is best for yourself and I wish you every luck with doing it. Please be more careful with the woman you choose after your wife. Best wishes mate.

[Luna66star]

The problem as I see it is you are still in a marriage that is no longer working.  I can understand a willingness to work on it with counseling, etc.  Also a reluctance to let go of all those years of investment plus the kids.  I see several married male friends in the same corrundrum.

Ultimately, I hear you being very unhappy and engaging in an affair has increased your tolerance level to some extent.  

Separating looks to be your next viable step.  

Envision what you would like the next 5 years of your life to be like.  Then make a plan of action.  Then stick to it.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I do not care if I am alone all of my life 

Yes you do and so you should.
You have a wife you do not want, I get it, but being actually alone is a different thing all together...

[sandylee1]

2 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I have been reading this forum for last few days.  Yes cheating is bad, I take full blame for it.  But marriage falling apart even before affair is responsibility on both of our parts. I see from this forum that some BW never take any hard look at themselves as to what role they might have taken in demise of their marriage. My mother was in a nursing home with dementia, she needed clothes, home cooked food that she missed and OW on her own decided to do this.  My mother had no idea who she was.  And my wife was planning a vacation and still unforgiving for petty things, yes they were petty such as one kid got gift for $20 while other got for $25.  

There is also some truth to the fact that time with my OW made my marriage more bearable.  I thought after DD if I worked hard enough we would eventually have a satisfying marriage.  And believe me when I say worked on it, but I also know that some BW will find faults in no matter how hard I tried.  Regardless I am preparing for divorce.  I do not care if I am alone all of my life but I do know there are meaningful, kind people out there.  My fault is I cheated, its been five years since then and I've worked on myself.  I will never cheat again.  

I didn't mean to upset you. Perhaps you should have explained that your mum had dementia and didn't know you were bringing your OW to see her...that's a significant bit of information. 

I'm just wondering, .you were both in the marriage which wasn't so  good pre affair, so if she had an affair at that time, do you think you'd have been able to reconcile and forgive her?

A lot of times people don't think through the consequences of cheating,  the very thing you were trying to avoid (not living full time with your kids), is what the affair could have caused.

If your wife had decided on dday, that she wanted a divorce, it could have been terribly acrimonious and bad for the kids.  She would have been angry for a long time and you would have had many years of child support and spousal support to pay.

One thing I will say though regarding your kids,  is when you divorce, always maintain (or start developing) a close bond with them. Spend quality  time with them and be someone they can rely on. 

 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

One thing I will say though regarding your kids,  is when you divorce, always maintain (or start developing) a close bond with them. Spend quality  time with them and be someone they can rely on.

^^Agreed.
Moonman1
As you want the divorce and your wife may not be best pleased or devastated by that news then your kids may take her side especially if you have been the absent or hands off father.
That can easily happen when their mother is a SAHM.
IF she decides to tell them about your cheating then that may not go down well either.
You need to build some bridges with your kids if they don't already exist, to insulate yourself from any potential fall out.
As an aside, another poster here was an OW, her MM left for her, and after living together for 1 year  he returned to the marital home as his grown up kids refused to talk to him and he couldn't stand it... Its not easy...


 

[moonman1]

Thank you.  I am actually very close to my kids, as I wrote earlier I did help quite a bit around house and took them to games etc.  I spend quality time with them as best I can now that they are older.  I will always be there for them. 

As to answer some of your questions I don't know what I would have done if my wife had affair, probably would have made decision easier to call it quits back then I think.  I truly was not out looking for an affair, and after things got more involved I knew I couldn't be with my kids part time only especially when they were younger.  I know I hurt OW a lot. As for hurting my wife we both hurt each other.  I am planning on discussing this with my wife tomorrow, not sure how it will all end up but agree its time to move forward.  

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I don't know what I would have done if my wife had affair, probably would have made decision easier to call it quits back then I think.

That does seem to be the decision many men seem to make sooner or later, a cheating wife is no good to them. 
Women especially with kids, tend to "forgive" their cheating man and stick around for the kids and the lifestyle.
Your wife being a long term SAHM, was unlikely to press for divorce, a quick cost benefit analysis would have told her that that would not have been in her or her kids best interests.
 

Edited April 5, 2020 by elaine567

[MadlyDeeply]

Moonman your thread is v interesting for me, i am m but also an ow with a mm that says he loves both his W and me! 

Have you really not had any contact with your ow after all this time, can't believe you are not curious about what she has been up to or how her life has been. I know you said you have been working hard on your marriage but you are clearly not happy in it so I'm surprised as you said you loved your ow. When I finally finish my a, i will be hoping every single day that my mm will one day contact me again, cause I love him so much. I know you say you don't want to hurt her but if she really loved you and is single, she might be happy to hear from you, especially if your seriously talking about divorce. 

Elaine My mm says if he found out his W was having an a, she would be out the door straight away but he expects her to forgive his flings etc. I think if a woman has an a it proves to a man that she definitely doesn't love him but a man cheating on his w is somehow different to a man! 

[SummerDreams]

10 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Elaine My mm says if he found out his W was having an a, she would be out the door straight away but he expects her to forgive his flings etc. I think if a woman has an a it proves to a man that she definitely doesn't love him but a man cheating on his w is somehow different to a man! 

I don't even know what to respond to this. So, since you are a woman having an affair so that means you don't love your H, why don't you leave him?

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

Elaine My mm says if he found out his W was having an a, she would be out the door straight away but he expects her to forgive his flings etc. I think if a woman has an a it proves to a man that she definitely doesn't love him but a man cheating on his w is somehow different to a man! 

It is also the reason he doesn't really take you seriously.
A disloyal wife is the worst thing imaginable to many men.
BUT many cheating men will quite happily enter into an affair with a MW, in fact some of them prefer it.
He is going nowhere, she is going nowhere, perfect.
However he never really considers her as wife material, as she is a cheat...

[SummerDreams]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

It is also the reason he doesn't really take you seriously.
A disloyal wife is the worst thing imaginable to many men.
BUT many cheating men will quite happily enter into an affair with a MW, in fact some of them prefer it.
He is going nowhere, she is going nowhere, perfect.
However he never really considers her as wife material, as she is a cheat...

The disturbing thing is that this woman agrees with this logic. :S

[MadlyDeeply]

I'm sorry I know it sounds really bad and having an affair is and there really isn't any excuse for it but this is my first and only affair I can promise you this. I do love my husband as the father of my children but I'm not in love with him. We are together for the children and that's why I stay to keep family unit together. My h and I get on v well but we both know we are here for the children and realise there won't be anything between us once they have grown, sad but true. We both love our children so much. 

[MadlyDeeply]

I think the rules should be the same for men and women. A man cheating on his wife should be equal to a woman cheating on her husband. 

When I wrote this..... My mm says if he found out his W was having an a, she would be out the door straight away but he expects her to forgive his flings etc. I think if a woman has an a it proves to a man that she definitely doesn't love him but a man cheating on his w is somehow different to a man! I meant from my mms point of view not mine, sorry if I wasn't clear. 

[SummerDreams]

14 minutes ago, MadlyDeeply said:

I think the rules should be the same for men and women. A man cheating on his wife should be equal to a woman cheating on her husband. 

When I wrote this..... My mm says if he found out his W was having an a, she would be out the door straight away but he expects her to forgive his flings etc. I think if a woman has an a it proves to a man that she definitely doesn't love him but a man cheating on his w is somehow different to a man! I meant from my mms point of view not mine, sorry if I wasn't clear. 

Allright but you are with a man who has this point of view. And he has it about his wife and the possibility she may cheat, imagine what opinion he has about YOU who is a married woman who cheats.

[MadlyDeeply]

He knows I'm only having an a cause it's him and we fell in love. My thread "Am I just a crutch" explains I'm hoping to say goodbye as soon as possible cause i can't stand the situation anymore. Thank you for your comments. 

[Prudence V]

On 4/5/2020 at 2:36 AM, moonman1 said:

I am planning on discussing this with my wife tomorrow, not sure how it will all end up but agree its time to move forward.  

I hope this went well and you have agreed a way forward. 

[pepperbird]

Op,

Talking to your wife is really important, but this being said, where does your responsibility lie in all of this? Whether you choose to stay or go, it's really important that you figure that out. You can't change your wife, but you can change yourself.

[moonman1]

So Sunday talked to kids first, told them I was unhappy for a while.  I reassured them there was nothing more important in my life until now then raising them.  But now they are older and I need to do something for myself.  Told them I was thinking of separating.  I was surprised that my kids kind of thought that might happen already.  I have never discussed my previous affair with kids but I told them I made mistakes and its mostly my fault but I need to move on. 

There was a lot of yelling, screaming and accusing from my wife.  She accused me of cheating again which I do understand.   She also told me she would go for full custody of kids although they are adults now.  She will financially ruin me, take me for all I am worth.  I reassured her that I had no intention of not giving her fair share and she can take bulk of everything.  Unfortunately she knows even if she does that she will have to work.  I ended up moving about 45 minutes away to our camper.  It's a small place but quiet and I am at peace here.  I am still working from home.  Boy are home, doing their college classed online.  They called to check in on me, I told them I was okay and they actually told me not to worry about them.  Yesterday my wife called yelling multiple times, calling me all kinds of names.  At some point I stopped answering her calls.  I did exchange some text messages with a lawyer friend of mine regarding my next steps.  Its going to be a long process due to not many working right now.  Lets see.  For now I am at my camper, feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest.  

[Hip Pocket]

38 minutes ago, moonman1 said:

So Sunday talked to kids first, told them I was unhappy for a while.  I reassured them there was nothing more important in my life until now then raising them.  But now they are older and I need to do something for myself.  Told them I was thinking of separating.  I was surprised that my kids kind of thought that might happen already.  I have never discussed my previous affair with kids but I told them I made mistakes and its mostly my fault but I need to move on. 

There was a lot of yelling, screaming and accusing from my wife.  She accused me of cheating again which I do understand.   She also told me she would go for full custody of kids although they are adults now.  She will financially ruin me, take me for all I am worth.  I reassured her that I had no intention of not giving her fair share and she can take bulk of everything.  Unfortunately she knows even if she does that she will have to work.  I ended up moving about 45 minutes away to our camper.  It's a small place but quiet and I am at peace here.  I am still working from home.  Boy are home, doing their college classed online.  They called to check in on me, I told them I was okay and they actually told me not to worry about them.  Yesterday my wife called yelling multiple times, calling me all kinds of names.  At some point I stopped answering her calls.  I did exchange some text messages with a lawyer friend of mine regarding my next steps.  Its going to be a long process due to not many working right now.  Lets see.  For now I am at my camper, feels as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest.  

It sounds like you needed to take this step to gain some peace in your life. I’m glad your boys are ok. I hope your soon-to-be-xW(?) gets to a better place and that she can talk to you rather than yell at you. 
 

I happy for your future.

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I was surprised that my kids kind of thought that might happen already.

Kids are more astute than they’re given credit for. When my H told his he was thinking of separating from his (nowX)BW, he found support and full understanding from his. Kids can see how parents are treating each other, and if your BE is the nasty piece of work you describe, they’ll be well aware of that too. 
 

I’m glad you’ve taken this step and managed to find some piece of mind. I hope your D can proceed smoothly and quickly with as little pain as possible, and as fair a resolution as possible.