Dawn37 Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Its been almost 6 weeks since my husband of 7 years announced that he was leaving, and still I don't understand where it all went so wrong We have been together for 12 (good, happy) years, we have 2 children, a boy and a girl, had a nice life, good friends, holidays etc. To many, and to me it seemed like we really did have the almost perfect life. On new years day I discovered that he had been texting/meeting up with a girl 9 years younger than him. To make matters worse, this girl was also my friend and lives in the same neighbourhood as us, our daughters are also friends. On discovering this, he was very much the 'broken man', crying, fighting for our marriage, full of remorse etc etc. Call it womans intuition but something didn't feel right and I felt there was more to the meet ups than just coffee. After a bit of digging, I eventually confirmed my worst fears that they had in fact slept together, not only that he had been texting her when we were away for an overnight for our wedding anniversary, according to her, to tell her what a miserable time he was having. I stupidly was willing to work through all of this, however, he came home from work one day and announced that he was leaving me. Claimed that he still loved me but has feelings for her - I might add this affair only went on for 2 months. Since leaving his behaviour has completely changed, he has gone from being such a loving husband and doting dad, to this person I no longer understand! The stuff he says sounds so text book, i.e we (him and his new lover) have such a connection, everything is seamless and effortless between us. It sounds as though he has been utterly brain washed or had a bump to the head. His parents, and our whole family are so shocked and devastated by this, mostly me because I had no warning of any of this. Yes we had arguments like most other couples do, he has now said that he could no longer put up with nagging or the unappreciation from me. I didn't realise he felt this way and accept my side of the blame but why not come to me and explain? Because apparently i'm too confrontational, but that's the person he married ?!! I am curious as to whether anyone has experienced similar situations as this, will he come round and realise what he's walked out on, does this sound like mid life crisis behaviour? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Dawn37 said: Because apparently i'm too confrontational, but that's the person he married ?!! I'm sorry for what you are going through. I think the first thing you need to do is ask a lawyer about your rights and the alimony he has to pay. He will soon see that the fairytale he thinks he is living is not a fairytale, when he has to find a house to live, when he has to have the kids on weekends (at the time he would plan to be with his new GF) and when all relatives and friends won't want anything to do with him after his behavior. Also important is that you inform the kids in a way that makes them feel safe and secure. Let him go, he is no good. I just want to comment on the above sentence though. I used to be (and still am at times) a really angry person who gets easily mad, this is the way my dad is and this is what I saw growing up. My H is the least confrontational person you will meet in your life, so my nerves used to make him sad and upset. I went to a therapist and managed to be able to have calm conversations without yelling or calling names. I used to say the same thing at the start "that's the person he married!" but this doesn't mean we don't need to better ourselves just because this is what and how we were when we met or married our partners. Just food for thought. I'm not saying it's your fault by any means, just something you can consider to improve for yourself. Edited March 30, 2020 by SummerDreams 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 Summer Dreams, thank you for your reply. I think at the moment he is living some kind of single guy dream life and is very much revelling in it. He told me on Saturday after a lengthy conversation over the phone, that I need to stop torturing myself by getting upset because he has moved on. He told me his feelings have grown towards the OW and that he no longer loves me or thinks about me the way he did when we were together!!! 😥 For him its very cut and dry, he wanted his name off of our mortgage a week after he left. I was friends with this OW so only seen one side of her and I thought she was a nice person. However since the split we have had contact and she is so callous, its all conversations of 'WE are sorry, 'WE have explained how we feel, WE understand it will take time for you to come to terms with but hope that you find the happiness you deserve' 😤My husband, my children, my family, they were my happiness!!!! In terms of my confrontational side, yes I admit at times I can fly off the handle. I hate to say but there have been a couple of occasions during our 12 years where we have had a heated argument, the last one being a Christmas night out where he and her were flirting ridiculously with one another, we had an argument and I slapped him, I felt so humiliated. He said that's part of the reason he wasn't willing to stay - but again, that was something we could have worked on. I feel as though he's picking out any single excuse he can to justify his behaviour! 1 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 I'm sorry you have been hurt by someone you trusted. This sounds mean but just let him go. Don't try to win him back or beg him back. Close the door on him and start planning your future without him. The sooner you do this the better off you will be because then you can move forward to heal. Don't listen to anymore of his lies. The man you married is gone and you have to view it like he's dead. Grieve, scream and cry then let him go. Get what monies you are owed and move on to a happier life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant-Sage Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 3 hours ago, Dawn37 said: I am curious as to whether anyone has experienced similar situations as this, will he come round and realise what he's walked out on, does this sound like mid life crisis behaviour? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated x This sort of thing happens to ever single day to thousands of other men and women. It's not always the same but many do share the same story as you. I've been through losing a spouse twice and here's what I can tell you from my own experiences and hearing countless stories from other people. The possibility exists that your marriage can be saved but it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life. Even through all that pain and suffering, there's no guarantee that he is coming back. If he does, he's not going to be the same man that left and you're not going to be the same woman either. It amounts to a broken mirror. You can glue the pieces together and put it back on the wall but it's still quite hideous to look at. It'll slowly finish repairing itself as time goes on with the proper amount of work but there's no guarantee for that actually happening either. If you were an great wife, his selfishness is going to catch up with him and he's probably going to try come crawling back when he wants his old life back. You may not even want him back when this time comes. Having a spouse tear your world apart causes you to grieve. It's very much like the person you knew died but I'd have to say it's much worse. You'll go through all the different stages of grief. Research that and try to see where you are. It's unhealthy to remain in one stage too long so you don't want to get stuck in a particular stage. If you do, talk with friends, family, or even a councilor about your feelings so you can finally work towards acceptance. There's no amount of begging or logic to make him see the light. Sadly, it just doesn't work. If you feel like you need to try anyways, I encourage you to do so. At least you'll feel like you've done everything you could and there's a little bit of comfort in that. I'm sorry you're going through this. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 30, 2020 Author Share Posted March 30, 2020 Pleasant-Sage Thank you for your kind words. I failed to add in original post that I knew my ex husband for 3 years before we got together (he was engaged very young), in that time he cheated then left that relationship, he then got together with someone else for a year whom he then left and he and I started a long 12 year (7 years married) relationship. I stupidly believe I was 'the one' and that he would never cheat. 4 years ago I found inappropriate messages in a group WhatsApp chat between him, 3 other males and 1 female, most of the innuendoes coming from my husband. When I confronted him he said it was just chat but I still put him out of the house for 2 days and he swore he would never be so silly again. I think for me that put a big dent in my trust. I believe that aside from sometimes loosing my temper, I was a good wife/mum, and always tried my best for all of us to keep our family unit ticking over. If my only flaws were nagging, allegedly he felt unappreciated, and being hot headed at times, I don't think it makes me the worst wife in the world, nor does it merit having an affair with my friend? To make matters worse, my daughter and her daughter were best friends at school. I just think its a very selfish act by 2 parents!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 30, 2020 Share Posted March 30, 2020 Everything you mentioned Dawn37 is more evidence to let him go and seek a divorce. He has disrespected you in the past and now with your friend confessing his love for her to the public. Every couple has arguments but that is no reason to cheat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 The more you write, the more it sounds like he's long been checked out of the marriage and has never really been a long-term, monogamy-oriented person. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I don't think he's having a mid-life crisis, nor do I think he's been brainwashed by her. My read is that he slowly detached from you over time, and handled his dissatisfaction in the marriage in the worst and most hurtful way possible. You are absolutely correct that he could have come to you about resolving the issues he had with you; his choice not to do so says a lot, unfortunately. People who don't bother to address the problems are often the ones who don't really care anymore. It also sounds like they've been playing footsie a lot longer than they admit to. They're in the throes of the honeymoon phase right now, so of course he foolishly believes it's all seamless and sparkles. Reality of day-to-day life hasn't hit them yet, nor have the full consequences of their behaviour. It's coming. However, this does not mean that your marriage will still be intact if their relationship fails. It appears that he doesn't want the marriage anymore, and has zero respect for you and your family. That isn't something that will heal itself in the event that he wants to come back. Your marriage could well be irretrievably broken here, and in the long-run, it might actually be the best thing for you to divorce and move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Expantitaly, I'm very interested in your reply as I always like others opinions from the outside looking in. To me, I didn't think he had checked out, we still seemed to be very much 'happy and in love' , we had a holiday booked alone for june and our family holiday for july. We were even making plans and had started saving to take our children to new York. We had a very healthy and active life intimately and we done a lot of date nights alone. I feel very shocked by what has happened as to all of our family and friends, he was a loving caring family man and the way his behaviour has changed has shocked me. Please feed back to me as I take great comfort from everyones opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 I think it's rare that a cheating spouse decides to leave the marriage and makes it known to the whole family and friends cycle. Most of them get out of their "bubble" when the relatives and friends are informed about their cheating, and that's why when a BS asks about help, the advise always is to inform the relatives and friends about the cheating. It seems that sadly your H has planned this mentally and practically for quite some time and he is prepared for every backlash that will come to him. The fact that he has let his OW talk to you with the phrase "WE feel sorry for you" etc shows the disrespect he has for you. I'm not a person who believes in marriage vows as muvh as other people do and I'm not a person who wants a spouse to stay with their spouse even if they stop being happy with them. I mean, it's not a good thing to happen, but it's possible that a married person finds someone they love more than their spouse and decides to get a divorce. I'm not someone who will say that a married person should stay unhappy forever with someone they don't love just because X years ago they got married. BUT there is a certain way to do things in order to show you respect the person you married and had kids with and spent some years with; he ought to inform you in a respectful way, take the time to answer your questions, offer to help you accept the fact, I don't know, he should have been more sensitive in general. The way he did it is the worst for me. I'm sorry you are in this position and I'm sure you are searching for answers but I guess the only one who can give you these answers is him. Maybe you could write him a letter and ask him some things and see if he will reply. But other than that I think he has no intention to come back. He seems to be 10 steps ahead of you. I'm sorry. Don't blame yourself, you did your best, he made his decisions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Summerdreams, thank you. I understand your opinion on all of this. To me, i'm so uncertain, when all of this came out initially at the start (January), he was devastated told me he loved me and never wanted to be apart from me or his kids, his family are his world and he would fight for everything we had - he even went to individual counselling. As soon as I discovered they had slept together, that was when it all changed. He then decided he HAD to make a decision, he said that all the questions were driving us apart and that he knew I would never get over his betrayal and that he was forced to make a decision between me and the OW. Theres so much to this story that I've lost my mind trying to make sense of it. Meanwhile he's just acting like we've all to move on and its just life! Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) Dawn if you want a reference to your situation look up Rainbows thread under Marriage infidelity - "Real Love Affair or Male PND." It's not an exact match but does have similarities. I'm afraid that your only choice now is to protect yourself. It's unknown whether he will come back but it does happen. Once the thrill of sneaking around is missing the affair partner can look a bit more ordinary. The danger here is yourself. You cannot allow him to come back without consequences. If you rug sweep, then expect a repeat in the future. Don't do that to yourself. Edited March 31, 2020 by schlumpy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Shlumpy, its so funny that you say this because depression has been on my mind for a while. A couple of his friends have actually asked me Is he going through a depression or a breakdown. I think I said on previous thread, he's drinking a lot more at weekends than he ever did before and he looks dreadful. Any time I see him he looks pale and tired 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 You could enlist the help of friends to get him into a medical checkup just to clarify the situation. Make sure the doctor understands the behavioral changes that have occurred. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 On 3/30/2020 at 4:17 AM, Dawn37 said: His parents, and our whole family are so shocked and devastated by this, mostly me because I had no warning of any of this. Yes we had arguments like most other couples do, he has now said that he could no longer put up with nagging or the unappreciation from me. I didn't realise he felt this way and accept my side of the blame but why not come to me and explain? Because apparently i'm too confrontational, but that's the person he married ?!! What blame would that be? Honestly, even slapping him, I mean, he was flirting right in front of you on a "date night" outing, right? He's male, he can handle one slap. And almost every couple argues sometimes. The blame is on him for stepping out - nothing you did warranted that. I think that, unfortunately, your husband simply isn't monogamously inclined and either doesn't have or is not willing to exercise the level of self control needed to remain in a marriage. This former friend of yours probably isn't aware of this, but the vast majority of affairs don't make it long as LTRs. They might be an exception, but their chances are not good. In the meantime, I agree with those above, sometime if the other partner is walking away the best (and sometimes the only) thing you can do is cut your losses and let them. I could be wrong, but I strongly suspect his path ahead is not as rosy as he thinks. However, and it appears he's not giving you a choice in this, you need to start focusing and worrying about you. If he's talking about divorcing, you might be wise to start talking to a lawyer. Be aware that in some areas infidelity can strongly impact a divorce settlement and, while I'm certainly not recommending this, there are a few states where a BS can actually sometimes sue the affair partner for damages under "alienation of affection". Many family lawyers will give free half hour initial consultations, and you can shop around to a few to get questions answered. That said, I personally don't have a great fondness for lawyers, and if I was in your situation, I'd look for one who goes to mediation quickly (which is where these things often end up anyhow) without dragging things out beforehand, since that tends to cost a lot of money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) I think "depression" is wishful thinking. Bored and unhappy in his marriage he finds a woman 9 years younger. He sleeps with her and carries on in an affair. The dream of many married older men. Wife and kids at home. Sexy younger woman on the side. Dday happens - OMG he is "devastated". that wasn't supposed to happen. But instead of knuckling down to save his marriage with his forgiving wife, he decides to skip off with his young mistress. My heart bleeds for him... Yes he may not be getting much sleep these days but that may not be due to guilt and "depression"... Edited March 31, 2020 by elaine567 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 4 hours ago, Dawn37 said: To me, i'm so uncertain, when all of this came out initially at the start (January), he was devastated told me he loved me and never wanted to be apart from me or his kids, his family are his world and he would fight for everything we had - he even went to individual counselling. He was trying to convince himself this is what he wanted; but when you found out he knew he couldn't stop having sex with the OW so he finally told the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 Elaine567, you think guilt? What guilt though? I feel like he's shown no remorse, all I've had is 'i'm sorry ive hurt you but I cant help my feelings' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, Dawn37 said: Elaine567, you think guilt? What guilt though? I feel like he's shown no remorse, all I've had is 'i'm sorry ive hurt you but I cant help my feelings' What I meant by that sentence is that I doubt very much he is feeling guilty or is depressed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2020 Share Posted March 31, 2020 He didn't have enough guilt to keep him from doing it. Not everyone has the same amount of empathy. I've always followed true crime, and it reminds when the family are convinced (when they are given a chance to air their grief in court) that they can make the perpetrator feel bad for what they've done by explaining what it did to the family. They don't understand that not everyone has the same empathy or feelings or even the capacity for it. For a bad criminal, it probably gratifies them to hear that if it does anything at all. Hopefully it helps get it off the chest of the victims, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted March 31, 2020 Author Share Posted March 31, 2020 For me, its the fact he allowed me and my children to go into her house at new year, knowing that they had slept together, that makes me sick. Not me, but my kids!!! The day after they sleazy little budget hotel meeting, she actually came over into my house while I was out. My Ex H also walked our dog and went over to her house late afternoon on NY eye, whilst I was asleep with our daughter, he claims it was to walk her dog It makes me feel sick every time I think of it Link to post Share on other sites
moonman1 Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 Best thing you can do is move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 It sort of seems he is escaping the hard times to be with the good/care free times. When my now ex-husband was discovered in his affair, he didn't understand how I just didn't immediately get over it. I mean, he "stopped" talking to her and "ended" his affair and chose me, so why couldn't I just drop it and move on and be happy? I remember even once he said, "What do you have to be depressed about?" Completely clueless. At first, he wanted to keep his marriage, but when he realized it would actually be work, he ran back to the OW who would be fun right now. And trust me, right now it is all honeymoon phase. Don't worry, sooner or later it will catch up with them. She won't have the trust in him he thinks he deserves, she won't be able to provide him the happiness he believes he is entitled to, she won't be able to make him whole. Key is no one will and he will keep searching for it as soon as that relationship becomes mundane. Sad reality in a relationship with a philanderer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 (edited) This is so sad, so sad. 12 good happy years down the drain, smh. You did say you’re a nag though. How often do you nag him? several times a week for 7-12 years? Constant nagging and fighting can really erode interest level and relationships. I’m not saying what he did is right though, and I feel for the two kids because divorce is sanctioned child abuse. Edited April 1, 2020 by Interstellar Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 1, 2020 Share Posted April 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: And trust me, right now it is all honeymoon phase. Don't worry, sooner or later it will catch up with them. She won't have the trust in him he thinks he deserves, she won't be able to provide him the happiness he believes he is entitled to, she won't be able to make him whole. Key is no one will and he will keep searching for it as soon as that relationship becomes mundane. Sad reality in a relationship with a philanderer. That again may pan out or it may just be wishful thinking. Karma is nonsense in my book. Plenty guys leave for a younger model and never look back. They have second families and all is hunky dory. Plenty people move on to find happiness elsewhere. It is not guaranteed he or she will regret anything. Yes if he is the non monogamous type then he may never be happy with one woman, but many do find they are in unhappy marriages and move seamlessly on with people they like and get on with better. Best not to pin hopes on it all going pear-shaped, it may not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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