Hurt betrayed wife

[stillafool]

Elaine is right.  My uncle left my aunt and they had 6 little girls.  He married his OW and never looked back, she had 4 kids from different men.  They have been happily married now going on 30 years. Their karma is yet to come it seems.

[Starswillshine]

I agree that not always does karma catch up to them. Maybe they do go on with their OW and are blissfully happy. Or maybe they have many of the same struggles and are unhappy, too. Do we ever really know? I think cheaters tend to have their own issues that unless they fix, they will never truly be happy. 

Best thing to do is let him just go on living his life and make the best of your own. Most people will find a happier relationship than that from a cheating spouse. 

[heartwhole2]

Oh I'm so sorry. 

I know this won't be easy, but I'd do my best to let go. Right now they are star-crossed lovers, and needing to prove themselves to the world is probably motivating them to double down on this relationship working out. Don't let them triangulate you into the nonsense. 

I can't predict the future, but restoring any marriage after an affair (which I have done) requires complete ownership and commitment to change on the part of the WS. You are very far from having that. So even if he were to leave the OW next week, he'd still be this same wishy-washy, selfish, and immature guy. I would not contemplate taking him back until he's made serious progress on fixing himself.

[skywriter]

Dawn37,

I'm sorry for all that you and your children have been going through. My H left when I was 37. He didn't have an OW, that I know of

however, from what I know, there was some that I knew of that were questionable. We had only bought our house five years earlier.

It's normal to question everything, and you will for all very long time and may never have the answers. I'd not allow myself to dwell but only so much and ask myself given what he is capable of would I really want him back?  What are you really getting?

You take all that energy and put it into things you can control, make you and your children's life the best it can be and show yourself what he gave up. 

[Guildford]

Dawn37  You remind me of my wife early in our marriage.  She would walk into the room angry about something and BANG we were in another argument.  The arguments were heated and nasty and frequently include a threat of divorce.  Around the time of our first anniversary I said that maybe we had made a mistake and we should get a divorce.  My wife said that the past year had been the happiest year of her life.  I don’t believer that I understood at the time how those arguments were eating away at my feelings for my wife.

Now after 50 years of marriage, we are getting along much better, but I keep asking myself why we could not have gotten along like this early in the marriage.  I don’t remember what we fought about early in the marriage, but I still remember the fights.  We are now in our 70s and sequestered at home.  I sometimes wonder what this coronavirus would be like if we had separated and we were now living separately. 

I suspect that your marriage is now over, and you should plan for a life that does not include your husband.  In moving forward, I hope that you learn from your mistakes and learn to control your temper.

[SummerDreams]

13 minutes ago, Guildford said:

My wife said that the past year had been the happiest year of her life.  I don’t believer that I understood at the time how those arguments were eating away at my feelings for my wife.

I totally respect you and your opinion Sir, it's great that you stayed together for so long and I wish you health and happiness for another 50 years together.

I just want to say, I grew up with a father who was always yelling about everything. He was an alcoholic and I have terrible memories from my childhood. Yelling and fighting was something I used to experience at home every day until my parents got a divorce at 18. After that it seems I had no much choice than having become like my father. Me and my mom used to yell at each other for 10-15 mins and then we'd be done and hug each other and there was no consequence, emotional or other, to that. So yelling was something normal for me. When I met my H at 29, we spent 4 happy years but our problem was that he could not take my yelling. I decided that I wanted to change for him and I saw a therapist who helped me with it. Now, at 10 years together, I have become a calmer person who can have a conversation without yelling. The irony is that, when there are times I do have to fight with someone lets say on the phone or at the bank or at the supermarket, I feel that I can't do this anymore as easily as I used to. It's a hard thing to change who you are, but it's worth trying for someone who loves you.

[sandylee1]

The best thing you can do is plan your future without him. Focus on your kids and sort out child support and a divorce. 

You mention flirting and other issues...those are the things you knew about, along with his latest affair. Do you really think you caught him every time?

 

He's not monogamous...he might have liked the idea of it, but it's not him. He'll always be a cheater.

You deserve better and the best revenge is living a good life. 

When you have the confidence to move on...and put a reconciliation out of your mind, you'll feel better. 

Don't be waiting around for him. 

[Dawn37]

Sandylee, I found inappropriate messages in his phone around 3 years ago, not between him and a girl individually. They were in a group WhatsApp, but I went crazy. He told me they meant nothing.

However, this affair and him leaving was something I never seen coming!! His reason for leaving, he told me, is that he never ever believed he would cheat on me because of how much he loved me (even though he now claims he doesn't love me the way he used to), and for the fact he has makes him think theres a far bigger reason.  He told me he has feelings (after a 6 week affair) for the OW, and that he believes he's made the right choice for him!! Me and the kids are just to accept it, it seems. My kids knowing nothing about the OW and i'm trying to keep it that way 

[S2B]

File for divorce and ask for way more than you should get by law! 
 

if he wants to be with her so badly that he ruins your family - let him walk away with nothing.

request child support, spousal support and demand he keep a hefty life ins policy in case he dies - you need to be the beneficiary only.

he wants to be free via hurting you? Ya, make him pay for that crappy decision!

file ASAP. Make sure you move any available money to your name only. Close any credit cards you are on with him. Keep tax returns for any court info. He will spend anything you leave there on his OW.

protect yourself. Protect your family!

[sandylee1]

On 4/4/2020 at 8:34 PM, Dawn37 said:

Sandylee, I found inappropriate messages in his phone around 3 years ago, not between him and a girl individually. They were in a group WhatsApp, but I went crazy. He told me they meant nothing.

However, this affair and him leaving was something I never seen coming!! His reason for leaving, he told me, is that he never ever believed he would cheat on me because of how much he loved me (even though he now claims he doesn't love me the way he used to), and for the fact he has makes him think theres a far bigger reason.  He told me he has feelings (after a 6 week affair) for the OW, and that he believes he's made the right choice for him!! Me and the kids are just to accept it, it seems. My kids knowing nothing about the OW and i'm trying to keep it that way 

His behaviour is immature. Even though he has left you,  doesn't mean he is no longer a father. He has no respect for you and I would find that very difficult to forgive. 

Family life sounds good in principle, but he isn't up to it.

Him being with an OW who is known to your family,  shows he has no boundaries. 

Your children will remember the time DSD wasn't around. He'll be the one who had a non existent relationship with them. 

The best thing you can do is maintain your dignity,  look after your children,  they need a constant,  present reliable parent in their lives. That clearly isn't going to be him.

 

[Dawn37]

My ExH really has no idea the devastation that this has caused to me and my children.  He genuinely believes that in time I will be ok with all of this and that my children don't need to know the truth when they are old enough. If they do find out the truth its up to them to decide how they want to deal with it, its as simple as that for him.

Meanwhile, i'm doing everything, talking to them, making emotion boards, doing schoolwork during isolation - all the while i'm breaking quite literally inside, and keeping a brave face.

What I don't understand is, when I get upset, it seems to almost anger him and he tells me I need to stop I'm only torturing myself. He also doesn't have any 'plan' long term. I have asked him what he plans to do regarding living arrangements etc and he is planning to stay with his mum (for potentially the next 3 years as he is tied to our mortgage). The only other option he has, is to move in with the OW and her 2 children

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

My ExH really has no idea the devastation that this has caused to me and my children. 

Have you told the children that their father left you for someone else?

[sandylee1]

5 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

My ExH really has no idea the devastation that this has caused to me and my children.  He genuinely believes that in time I will be ok with all of this and that my children don't need to know the truth when they are old enough. If they do find out the truth its up to them to decide how they want to deal with it, its as simple as that for him.

Meanwhile, i'm doing everything, talking to them, making emotion boards, doing schoolwork during isolation - all the while i'm breaking quite literally inside, and keeping a brave face.

What I don't understand is, when I get upset, it seems to almost anger him and he tells me I need to stop I'm only torturing myself. He also doesn't have any 'plan' long term. I have asked him what he plans to do regarding living arrangements etc and he is planning to stay with his mum (for potentially the next 3 years as he is tied to our mortgage). The only other option he has, is to move in with the OW and her 2 children

I wouldn't let him see you upset. I'd put on a neutral face,  but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. 

He doesn't realise the kids are hurt,  because he's selfish and he has no idea how to be a dad.

I really hope you can build yourself up and realise he doesn't deserve you...because I feel that if he came back begging,  you'd have him.

 

[Dawn37]

No the children have no idea! They just think that dad has told lies!!

part of me wants back the man I had and my family but I know things would never be the same between us, he broke us. I was willing to work through it but he chose her and I’m never going to be second best to anyone 

[stillafool]

If the kids have no idea then why are they also devastated?  I'm sure they can feel your tension and know that something is wrong.  Do they ask where he is or when he's coming home?  Do they know that even if he is leaving you he still loves and wants them?

[elaine567]

If this woman is part of your social group and your daughters are friends, you will not be able to keep your kids in the dark for very long.

[Dawn37]

They are  devastated because for the last 8 & 6 years of their lives, they have had a very stable and secure upbringing and cant understand why their dad cant come home If mummy still loves him.

Also, they witnessed the carnage that she - the OW created on NY eve when I suspected something was going on between her and my H. She caused a scene, attacked her own mother and my oldest son witnessed it all. They have pieced bits together and know that the OW has something to do with all this, I have only told them the bare minimum that she and daddy told lies, hence why we are no longer friends

 

 

[preraph]

I bet you're not sorry you slapped him now.  I wouldn't be.  He had it coming.  The nerve of him to blame you for his continuing flirting and cheating with a friend of yours.  That's LOW.  Why are you even speaking to her anymore?  She's no friend.  She's terrible.  And condescending to you as if there's something wrong with you that you are upset about the mess THEY made, neither of them using any ethics.  Shame on them!  Don't you let them tear you down like that!  

 

You go get you a good family attorney and get those two out of your life as much as you can.  You need to accept he's gone because you must have more pride than to even consider taking him back after this.  You put up with it and overlooked it long enough!  You give him joint custody of the kids so he has to take care of them 3 and a half days a week and that leaves you time to rest up and start dating other men.  We'll see who "tortures" who then.  They never like it if you're having a good time.  Even if they don't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you.  So you get an attorney and quickly wash your hands of him and start a new life.  Do not think twice about giving him joint custody whether he wants it or not.  This will make reality set in real quickly for him that he's not a bachelor but a father with the responsibility for his kids.  Insist he get them half the time and have to deal with it so you can have a life.  Maybe he'll grow up.   

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

cant understand why their dad cant come home If mummy still loves him.

What does he tell them the reason is he isn't coming home?

[Dawn37]

Stillafool - he has told them that because he has told lies, mummies and daddys sometimes argue and that its better that he lives with gran, but that we both still love them.  I wont allow him to tell them the full truth, nor does he ever want that to be revealed to them. He doesn't want to come out as the bad guy in any of this.!!

[LynneVicious]

Dawn, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something very similar, and same as you, had to put on a brave face while raising my 3 young children alone. 
 

I will tell you that it DOES get easier. Right now, you’re dealing with the trauma. You’ll get through it and you will start to build a new life for yourself and your children. 
 

your husband appears very very selfish. As far as him not wanting the children to know the truth, I believe when they’re older, they will figure it out. 
 

whej my kids were older and asked me if their dad had an affair, I told them the truth. They pick up a lot more than you think. They’re like sponges. And I believe lying to them would only hurt them more. And, I refused to enable his behavior by lying and protecting him. He made his bed. He can lay down in it. 
 

your kids will get used to their new life. There have been millions of women in your place. We are in this together. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Dawn37 said:

He doesn't want to come out as the bad guy in any of this.!!

I am sure he doesn't, but you have to consider that it may be you that they then see as ""the bad guy" eventually.
Mom didn't tell us the truth. She lied to us.
She drove Dad away...

[pepperbird]

On 4/4/2020 at 4:34 PM, Dawn37 said:

Sandylee, I found inappropriate messages in his phone around 3 years ago, not between him and a girl individually. They were in a group WhatsApp, but I went crazy. He told me they meant nothing.

However, this affair and him leaving was something I never seen coming!! His reason for leaving, he told me, is that he never ever believed he would cheat on me because of how much he loved me (even though he now claims he doesn't love me the way he used to), and for the fact he has makes him think theres a far bigger reason.  He told me he has feelings (after a 6 week affair) for the OW, and that he believes he's made the right choice for him!! Me and the kids are just to accept it, it seems. My kids knowing nothing about the OW and i'm trying to keep it that way 

I'm a BS and a parent too, and I am here to say that affairs can often impact the whole family, even if the WH and BS think they have kept it under wraps. 
I fully realize this is going to get me blasted, but if there is any chance your kids will be around this woman, they have every right to know who she is. When I say that, I DO NOT mean you run her down, but if they ask, don't lie. I know it seems like a small point, but after my kids found out about my husband, they asked me. I lied to them, and they knew it. Like you, I thought I could hide it, but they found out anyway. This led to a huge discussion about honesty, taking responsibility and owning up when you make bad choices. All good lessons, but I really would like to have approached this  in a better way. In the end, he told them what he did, took responsibility and answered their questions.

[pepperbird]

On 4/7/2020 at 3:03 PM, Dawn37 said:

My ExH really has no idea the devastation that this has caused to me and my children.  He genuinely believes that in time I will be ok with all of this and that my children don't need to know the truth when they are old enough. If they do find out the truth its up to them to decide how they want to deal with it, its as simple as that for him.

Meanwhile, i'm doing everything, talking to them, making emotion boards, doing schoolwork during isolation - all the while i'm breaking quite literally inside, and keeping a brave face.

What I don't understand is, when I get upset, it seems to almost anger him and he tells me I need to stop I'm only torturing myself. He also doesn't have any 'plan' long term. I have asked him what he plans to do regarding living arrangements etc and he is planning to stay with his mum (for potentially the next 3 years as he is tied to our mortgage). The only other option he has, is to move in with the OW and her 2 children

You have just discovered one of the truths about some WH/WW.
They are like little children, incapable of putting themselves in someone else's shoes (i.e.-empathy). It's all about him, his needs, what he wants-children and wife at home be damned! He'll go off and have his "fun" and then come back expecting his kids to take up right where they left off. In his mind, if that doesn't work, it will be your fault.

I realize most are staying at home, but that includes lawyers. Many are practicing out of their home office and accepting calls. Call one now. it will give you back your control over your life.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

Stillafool - he has told them that because he has told lies, mummies and daddys sometimes argue and that its better that he lives with gran, but that we both still love them.  I wont allow him to tell them the full truth, nor does he ever want that to be revealed to them. He doesn't want to come out as the bad guy in any of this.!!

oh god...that is such a mind game for a child. there are ways to be honest that can still allow him to save face. Something as simple as "l for a whole lot of grown up reasons, daddy and mommy have decided that it's best if they don't live together anymore. That doesn't mean we aren't still a family, and we both still love you to bits".
If they ask questions, you might need to explain further. They will likely keep coming back, wanting more details. 

I would speak to a lawyer ASAP, Know your fight, his rights and also your legal obligations.