Hurt betrayed wife

[basil67]

Oh Dawn, I think you need to start protecting yourself from hurt.  Going past the OWs house is doing nobody any good and having your daughter hear his voice in there is so hurtful to her too.   And no matter what has happened, assaulting him (again!) is not OK.

Be kind to yourself and limit any direct or indirect interaction with him.

Edited April 26, 2020 by basil67

[LynneVicious]

Dawn,

I went through something similar in that my ex strayed and I divorced him. I know it is so painful and wrenching. Reading your threads remind me of those times. The best advice I have for you is to protect yourself and your kids. 
 

Even if your kids hear his voice or even see him, it’s obviously crushing to you, so you need to avoid it. If the kids ask questions, you can skirt the truth without making them upset. But ultimately, it’s his responsibility to explain things to them. I would remind him of that whenever you speak in that make sure he knows you will not like to your children to protect him and his choices, but I sincerely hope that soon you have a regular schedule for him to see and speak with the kids. 
 

outside of that, you really need to avoid him at all costs. And during your alone time, it is important that you feel your emotions and grieve. Let it out once in a while. Stay strong for your kids . be the super mom that you are. Work through your despair. You will get through this. 

 

Us women who go through this do come out so so so much stronger. Every thing happens for a reason, girl. It’s hard to see it through your pain, but there’s a reason. Trust the universe. 

[spiritedaway2003]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

He was drunk, I went mad, slapped him told him he’s disrespectful in every way and that he owed our daughter an explanation! He refused to come over then grudgingly came over and told me I was a disgrace for being upset and involving our children. I feel this man is just in another world he blames me for everything.

I understand that you are upset, but you really can’t or shouldn’t have slapped him again, even when out of anger.  

You absolutely have the right to confront him verbally, but lay off the hands.  You  need to work on your anger management response, since it’s not the first time. You can’t lay your hands on someone just because you are upset.  No excuses, regardless of gender. It’s a relationship breaker for many, myself included.

If you have both decided to separate, learn to disengage.  Learn to cool off when you are feeling hot-headed. As you are well aware, it’s also more productive to have a conversation when he’s not drunk.  

I am sorry for what you are going through.  You have a tough situation on your hands and you have gotten some good advice here (protect yourself and your kids). Good luck.

Edited April 26, 2020 by spiritedaway2003
Tense

[elaine567]

You are separated, he has moved out.
You do not get to control what he does.
He can stay at his Mum's, he can stay with his OW, it is no longer any of your business.
You cannot dictate.
It's not right, it is not fair to you, but there is little you can do. He is a grown man.
You strayed into the OWs territory with your children, I am sure you could have walked the dog somewhere else.
Why did you do that? 
I guess to see if he was there and then you made it about the kids and caused a huge scene.
He could have called the police, you were trespassing and you assaulted him, he may do next time...
You involved your children. 
Do not do that again, that wasn't fair to them...
Stay away.

What you should have done is said "No it wasn't Daddy it was the TV" and hurried them away. Then in the cold light of day when calmer had a chat with him about the situation.
Your "intervention" was futile anyway and I am sure he will be and has been showing up at her place regularly, you won't be able to stop that...
Choose your battles wisely.
Think smarter.
Your job now is to keep him sweet in order to get the best deal for you and your kids.
Angry people tend to dig their heels in and if he gets angry, that may not be in your best interests.
The last thing you want are prolonged court and custody battles.

 

[Dawn37]

Elaine I walked the same route I always walk with my dog and my daughter heard him in the garden! In no way am I in the wrong he disrespected his family by going there when his ex wife and children are across the road. And I think that you think otherwise says a lot 

[Dawn37]

And also Elaine my children were not there when I “trespassed” they were indoors - I wouldn’t subject them to that confrontation 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

And also Elaine my children were not there when I “trespassed” they were indoors - I wouldn’t subject them to that confrontation 

I didn't say they were but you sent him over and they interacted with him, telling him to go to their Gran's house, which he then refused to do.
 

[Buffer]

Dawn37 in with anger out with love. 
Engaging him when he is drunk, probably not a good idea, but you didn’t know he was inebriated until he came round. AP has him by his little head and that is making all the decisions for his big head. He can’t respect his children’s wishes, then he truly is a poor father figure. Can you walk the family pet any other routes? I don’t know is OW a cross your street? As always look after you and your children. Again nothing but respect ✊ to you. 
One day at a time

Buffer

[pepperbird]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are separated, he has moved out.
You do not get to control what he does.
He can stay at his Mum's, he can stay with his OW, it is no longer any of your business.
You cannot dictate.
It's not right, it is not fair to you, but there is little you can do. He is a grown man.
You strayed into the OWs territory with your children, I am sure you could have walked the dog somewhere else.
Why did you do that? 
I guess to see if he was there and then you made it about the kids and caused a huge scene.
He could have called the police, you were trespassing and you assaulted him, he may do next time...
You involved your children. 
Do not do that again, that wasn't fair to them...
Stay away.

What you should have done is said "No it wasn't Daddy it was the TV" and hurried them away. Then in the cold light of day when calmer had a chat with him about the situation.
Your "intervention" was futile anyway and I am sure he will be and has been showing up at her place regularly, you won't be able to stop that...
Choose your battles wisely.
Think smarter.
Your job now is to keep him sweet in order to get the best deal for you and your kids.
Angry people tend to dig their heels in and if he gets angry, that may not be in your best interests.
The last thing you want are prolonged court and custody battles.

 

I;m going to tale exception with the advice to lie and say it's the TV, not daddy.
Kids aren't stupid. They don't deserve to be gaslighted any  more than adults do.

This is one of those unfortunate cases where the kids will find out what's going on.l Their little minds will fill in  the blanks, and what they come up with may be far worse than anything real.

Be honest with them in an age appropriate way.

[sandylee1]

Dawn...find a different route to walk the dog....you aren't telling me that's the only way you  could go.

Why would you even torture yourself going that way. 

He's left the marriage. 

You should have just told him...you know he isn't keeping to the lockdown guidelines and staying in one  place...so he won't be seeing the children until further notice, as he's putting you all at risk. 

You need to stop hitting him.

[Dawn37]

The problem is because I can’t always take both kids out at night that is the only quick route I can walk and still have sight of the house.

ExH phoned me today and had the audacity to tell me I was in the wrong to confront him last night!!!

[stillafool]

He was right.  I know you are hurt but it looks like you purposely walked by her house to see if he was there.  You said you don't want your kids to know what's going on yet you walking them past her house is a sure way for them to find out.  You had no business going on her property, confronting and slapping him, causing a scene.  He is gone and made that clear.  The children should be your only concern now and since he broke quarantine to be with her, he wouldn't get the kids. 

[schlumpy]

Please consider talking to the doctor about getting some temporary chemical help to take the edge of your emotions. You don't have to dope up. Just enough to squelch your angry impulses.

I get it. You are hurting big time and it doesn't feel like Gods on your side. It's a rotten feeling but don't let it finish the job your husband started. I'd like you to consider doing some reading. There is a book called "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran. It's not a thick book but it speaks to every important phase of life. It gives you much to think about. I especially like the section on children.

You can read it on the Gutenberg website which contains free electronic books.

I do hope things turnaround for you soon.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

The problem is because I can’t always take both kids out at night that is the only quick route I can walk and still have sight of the house.

 

Do you have a disabled child Dawn?

[usa1ah]

4 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

The problem is because I can’t always take both kids out at night that is the only quick route I can walk and still have sight of the house.

ExH phoned me today and had the audacity to tell me I was in the wrong to confront him last night!!!

Dawn I know it makes you mad as hell but you have to stop smacking him. 
 

Also, you can not control what he does away from the kids. You can’t control where he goes.

 

Get some help with your anger before your ex uses it against you. 

[Curious-Sam]

 

On 4/1/2020 at 10:54 PM, elaine567 said:

That again may pan out or it may just be wishful thinking. Karma is  nonsense in my book. Plenty guys leave for a younger model and never look back. They have second families and all is hunky dory.
Plenty people move on to find happiness elsewhere. It is not guaranteed he or she will regret anything.

Karma is a patient beast. The problem is mostly people simply don't pay attention to the long term and also aren't privy to people's past. So when the karma comes back to visit - people don't realise.

From my experience carefully observing relationship patterns over many years - pain caused is equal to future pain experienced.

The pain inflicted on a husband or wife through cheating and leaving them can't be repaid immidiately because the connection and trust hasn't been established were a brakeup would be equivalent .... So karma waits until it has been established. It's lets them build the new relationship, have wonderful happy times, build a life .... Then what goes around comes around and that gets torn down in similar traumatic circumstances to what they did in the past.

A bit of a cliche .... But take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a good public example you can observe over a long span of time. They met on the set of a movie when Brad was married. Cheated and got together anyway - Nicole Anniston Brad's ex wife being publicly humiliated as he ditched her and they created the new celebrity super couple. Brad and Angelina got say 10 years maybe more of marriage, kids, family - then karma comes and lays some serious smack down.

That which starts with adultery always ends badly. Karma just waits until the pain inflicted will match what they themselves handed out. Best course of action is always (as difficult as it may seem) to try extricate yourself from the situation and karma. Just walk away. Divorce , get finance and custody settled and move on and leave it up to God. Let them reap what they just sowed. Romans 12:19

 

 

Edited April 27, 2020 by Curious-Sam

[sandylee1]

8 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

The problem is because I can’t always take both kids out at night that is the only quick route I can walk and still have sight of the house.

ExH phoned me today and had the audacity to tell me I was in the wrong to confront him last night!!!

How old is the child you're leaving at home? I'm asking because there's another forum in on and a woman was out running (during lockdown), she bumped into her ExH and he reported her to social services for leaving the kids at home. 

Organize yourself so that they both come out with you...gives them some exercise too.

Do you realise he could have called the police on you? The last thing you need is a record for assault...so you need to start being sensible. 

I get that it hurts...it's a double betrayal...but it's out of your control and the focus should be your children and finding your strength to get through this. 

I don't even think I could bear to look at my husband if he did that, much less slap him....anyone who treats you as he did isn't worthy of your time, effort or love. 

Change the narrative. 

 

[Dawn37]

My kids are 8 & 6 so when I walk our dog last thing at night sometimes one or both may be in bed, hence why I can’t walk far from the house.

 

i appreciate and fully understand everyone’s comments and I did apologise to him yesterday in a very civil way. He is in the police so yes he could have called them, however, I’m sure that given his position within his job and the fact he was in her house during isolation period wouldn’t look good on him either.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

@mark clemson are you really ok with being smacked (across the face no less)? I feel like physical hitting is really crossing the line, even if it's the woman who's doing it. I genuinely want to know. I think you're a good guy with sensible posts. Would you really tolerate being smacked?

My neice slapped my arm HARD twice a couple years ago because (she said) I was smacking my lips as I chewed my food. I felt that was sooo disrespectful. I made a mental note that I would never go out of my way for her ever again after that. No financial assistance, no advice, nothing I wouldn't do for a stranger.  Hitting is not cool.

Sorry if this is t/j.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Curious-Sam said:

Karma is a patient beast. The problem is mostly people simply don't pay attention to the long term and also aren't privy to people's past. So when the karma comes back to visit - people don't realise.

Karma is decades late on paying back my Uncle who left my Aunt for his OW with 6 little girls.  He left her for the OW and her kids.  They became wealthy and have several homes.  

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@mark clemson are you really ok with being smacked (across the face no less)? I feel like physical hitting is really crossing the line, even if it's the woman who's doing it. I genuinely want to know. I think you're a good guy with sensible posts. Would you really tolerate being smacked?

My neice slapped my arm HARD twice a couple years ago because (she said) I was smacking my lips as I chewed my food. I felt that was sooo disrespectful. I made a mental note that I would never go out of my way for her ever again after that. No financial assistance, no advice, nothing I wouldn't do for a stranger.  Hitting is not cool.

Sorry if this is t/j.

I agree.  People shouldn't hit others unless they don't mind getting hit.  That goes for men and women in my book.

[lifeoflies]

7 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Hitting is not cool.

agreed  never cool to hit someone

[Dawn37]

9 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

 

[Dawn37]

I have never once denied I was in the wrong and I have apologised to him.

 

Believe me though I would much rather have a slap to the face than the 3 months of hell that he has put me through and had to live with this OW on my doorstep. 

[stillafool]

Maybe it would ease your pain to have less contact with him.  If he's not seeing the kids or there's no problem with them it would probably be best to go no contact so you aren't triggered.