Hurt betrayed wife

[mark clemson]

Two slaps is a pattern, OP. Please take the basically unanimous and extremely sensible advice above and stop this before it bites you in the *ss. Two years from now, he could be angling for full custody of the kids and pointing to incidents like this to (probably very unfairly) question your "fitness" as a parent or similar. I suspect most US lawyers would.

Men have things like punching bags and MMA cage matches to safely process their physical impulses. Not sure what women do, but perhaps you could find or buy a nice big pillow and "beat the sh*t out of it" to help process your (completely understandable) distress and frustration. Just wait for a time when kids aren't home. You could also probably use a trusted friend or a counselor/therapist (or both) to help verbally process some of your emotions.

As unfair at this whole situation is, it's still not ok to barge into other people's homes and "make a scene". This sort of thing can get folks into a lot of trouble, which, as essentially a single parent at the moment, is probably not something you can afford.

 

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

@mark clemson are you really ok with being smacked (across the face no less)? I feel like physical hitting is really crossing the line, even if it's the woman who's doing it.

I wouldn't say "just fine" but I think there are men, such as myself, who normally wouldn't make a big deal out of a (single) slap from a woman. Some men have a "culture" of physical contact. This is not dissimilar in some ways to people who accept verbal ribbing, whereas others find it less tolerable. I'm not generally one of those men actually, but again, I would shrug off a single slap in a moment of anger from most non-MMA type females. It's just not that big a deal to me. Some men probably agree with me, no doubt others wouldn't.

Generally, I'd say there is a large difference for many couples if the man is doing the striking.  He's often capable of injuring the woman fairly easily and this fact alone means a strike by him is significantly more intimidating to the woman, incurs a real risk of harm, and is generally a much bigger deal.

Of course, people generally are free to establish what they will and won't tolerate from others, and I suspect there's quite a bit of variability.

Now if that same woman tried to break a wine bottle over my head - well, that'd be a different matter...

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I would shrug off a single slap in a moment of anger from most non-MMA type females. It's just not that big a deal to me.

I was going to mention this also to OP that just because guys like your husband and Mark will take a slap from a woman there are men who will knock you out.  I hope you get that behavior under control soon.  I just want to say that if you truly do want your husband back that behavior (which is understandable) does not show you in your best light.  It gives her ammunition against you to feed to him so stop it.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

I have never once denied I was in the wrong and I have apologised to him.

 

Believe me though I would much rather have a slap to the face than the 3 months of hell that he has put me through and had to live with this OW on my doorstep. 

Dawn, I'm going to say a couple things that you might not like because I feel you need to hear them. You may not be ready to hear them but they still should be said.

While your husband didn't handle things as well as he should have, neither have you. Two wrongs don't make any right.

It's time for you to own your own behavior. Your anger is out of control, and you're not giving a good example to your children on handling conflict. You are teachimg your children to bully others to get their way. On some level, you are probably also terrifying them with your rage.

Take accountability for your own choices and reactions. Your anger feels empowering; you feel righteous, justified, and in control. Focusing on your husband's indiscretions is the perfect cover for not focusing on your own. Make no mistake: I'm not excusing his betrayal.

There must have been a time in your life when you felt unheard and unempowered. Now you (over-) compensate with rage.  You don't have control of anyone other than yourself. Paradoxically, the best way to influence others is by maximizing control over yourself.

I hope you take seriously what I've written here, and in time, reflect on it with some soul-searching.

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

your husband and Mark will take a slap from a woman there are men who will knock you out.  I hope you get that behavior under control soon. 

I agree, even the most mild mannered guy can snap if he feels he is being pushed hard enough.
Best not to poke that bear.

[Dawn37]

I feel like I should stress my children were not present when said slap happened they were over safe in their own home. And I didn’t barge into anyone’s property, I walked around the side of her house into the garden, so there was no barging into anywhere!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

I feel like I should stress my children were not present when said slap happened they were over safe in their own home. And I didn’t barge into anyone’s property, I walked around the side of her house into the garden, so there was no barging into anywhere!

Don't be in denial. Your children are much more astute than you're giving them credit. It's not even the act of the slap (witnessing or not); rather it's your rage that's endangering them.

Try to put yourself in their little shoes, minds, eyes... for a child to witness his/her caregiver full of fury and rage is deeply destabilizing to a child. They don't understand it. It's unpredictable. It triggers their fear responses. This is scaring and scarring them. They don't feel safe. They are not equipped to express their fears, but the fear is there. 

You need to own this. Is putting your children's welfare beneath your own really worth it? You need to develop more mature coping mechanisms and model those for your kids. If you don't, watch who they pick for romantic partners as adults (and know your choices today are influencing that).

You need to be the grown up here and now. Get help to learn grown up coping skills for the benefit of your kiddos.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

I feel like I should stress my children were not present when said slap happened they were over safe in their own home. And I didn’t barge into anyone’s property, I walked around the side of her house into the garden, so there was no barging into anywhere!

You trespassed on her property and caused a scene.  That is the point.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You trespassed on her property and caused a scene.  That is the point.

Boundary issues.

Sorry, Dawn. Get support to help you get through this, please.

[usa1ah]

The thing is your youngest heard him over there. 
 

Thoughts going through youngest mind. Why is daddy there and not with me. 
 

Your ex sucks as a husband and a father both. 

[Curious-Sam]

15 hours ago, stillafool said:

Karma is decades late on paying back my Uncle who left my Aunt for his OW with 6 little girls.  He left her for the OW and her kids.  They became wealthy and have several homes.  

So as I said 

On 4/27/2020 at 3:01 PM, Curious-Sam said:

The problem is mostly people simply don't pay attention to the long term and also aren't privy to people's past.

Do you know your aunty's past dating behaviours and relationships when she was young ?  Do you know her past outside of dating in detail ? We tend to see parents, aunties, uncles and grandparents through a certain rose tinted lense due to the age differences - but they are human and make mistakes and were young once too .

This is what makes judging karma hard. Because we aren't privy to what people did behind closed doors and the method it comes doesn't always match exactly (though is normally related). Was this your aunty being unfairly cheated on - or was this her own karma coming back to her for something she did in the past ? What we experience is a mixture of people's current day decisions which can be both positive and negative on those around them (sometimes people do s*** things) - As well as karmic energy sorting itself out from our own past actions. From our human vantage point it can be tricky to tell which is which.

I do know this - ever single one of my friends who started relationships the wrong way had them or something in their life blow up big time. Not normal breakups or life struggles. Really nasty nuclear meltdowns. And when they happened everyone was like how could this happen ? They didn't deserve this. I've seen everything from traumatic breakups, loss of children, physical disablement to sudden early heart attacks and death. 

When really nasty cheating experiences like this happen as hard as it is the best thing to do is cut and run. Sort out what needs to be sorted. Divorce, kids, finances. Then get as far from that karmic black hole as you can. Nothing good comes out of it. Don't let their bad choice draw you into making your own.

Edited April 28, 2020 by Curious-Sam

[Dawn37]

Curious Sam wise words thank you I needed this today ❤️

[pepperbird]

14 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

I feel like I should stress my children were not present when said slap happened they were over safe in their own home. And I didn’t barge into anyone’s property, I walked around the side of her house into the garden, so there was no barging into anywhere!

Dawn,

Lashing out at him will just justify, in his mind, his actions. There's no justification, so don't give him one.
It's okay to get angry-you don't have to let him treat you like crap, but try to find another way to deal with it.  Anger often comes from a  sense of hurt and a feeling like you are losing control over your life. Don't give him that. Call a lawyer-even if you can't meet in person, you can still talk. Use that angry energy to split in a way that's best for you and your kids. Fight for your family that way.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Curious-Sam said:

Do you know your aunty's past dating behaviours and relationships when she was young ?  Do you know her past outside of dating in detail ? We tend to see parents, aunties, uncles and grandparents through a certain rose tinted lense due to the age differences - but they are human and make mistakes and were young once too .

She was an 18 year old girl when he married her straight out of her Daddy's house.  That was back in the mid 1950s when a lot of girls married right out of high school.  I don't think she dated much because her father was strict.  I know what you say about karma because I can't get away with anything without being punished.  I just thought it was God chastising me because he loves me so much.

[sandylee1]

Neither of your kids should be home alone. They're too young. 

I guess he won't report it, because his cheating with your friend will come out and he won't look like such a nice guy 

As you said, him ignoring the social distancing won't look good either...ppl are calling the police to homes where the rules aren't being followed...and his behaviour is out of order.

Putting the kids and you at risk isn't acceptable.

 

 

On 4/26/2020 at 11:04 PM, Dawn37 said:

The problem is because I can’t always take both kids out at night that is the only quick route I can walk and still have sight of the house.

ExH phoned me today and had the audacity to tell me I was in the wrong to confront him last night!!!

How old is the child you're leaving at home? I'm asking because there's another forum in on and a woman was out running (during lockdown), she bumped into her ExH and he reported her to social services for leaving the kids at home. 

Organize yourself so that they both come out with you...gives them some exercise too.

Do you realise he could have called the police on you? The last thing you need is a record for assault...so you need to start being sensible. 

I get that it hurts...it's a double betrayal...but it's out of your control and the focus should be your children and finding your strength to get through this. 

I don't even think I could bear to look at my husband if he did that, much less slap him....anyone who treats you as he did isn't worthy of your time, effort or love. 

Change the narrative. 

 

[pepperbird]

OP,
is there a little part of you that keeps seeing this as some sort of anomaly, and he'll get over it and come back? If so, lease put a lid on that now.That sort of "hopium" will only hurt you.

The way he's acting right now is who he is at heart. Trust him when he shows you this. I really don't think he cares at all.

[Curious-Sam]

15 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Dawn,

Lashing out at him will just justify, in his mind, his actions. There's no justification, so don't give him one.
It's okay to get angry-you don't have to let him treat you like crap, but try to find another way to deal with it.  Anger often comes from a  sense of hurt and a feeling like you are losing control over your life. Don't give him that. Call a lawyer-even if you can't meet in person, you can still talk. Use that angry energy to split in a way that's best for you and your kids. Fight for your family that way.

Great advice - I would second this. The best thing you can do at this point is walk the high road. Cheaters look for justification for their own wrong actions - he will use your completely understandable and reasonable anger as a way to justify what he has done. So don't give it to him. 

As strange and difficult as this sounds I would advise being nice, cordial and even helpful. Look at what he has done in the cold light of day and try to take a different perspective. It's totally understandable to feel anger and betrayal. These are totally normal emotions in such situations. But you can if you manage to take the high road hopefully move onto another stage which is the phases where you realise you don't want someone who commits this type of indisgressions as your life partner. The anger and betrayed feelings can morph towards an   empowered sense of wanting something better in your life. Let him have the floozy. They deserve each other and you can move onto a better quality human being.

Be helpful and accommodating in removing him as quickly as possible from your life and then let him sit and realise he let go something of substance for a fling. Affairs tend to lose their luster pretty quickly when the other partner stops chasing and they realise they are no longer the one in the driving seat. They no longer have the option to "choose" because you chose for them. The reality of his actions will then start to hit home. The exciting, new, illicit nature of his affair and being pursued by 2 women .... then replaced with the sobering fact he's no longer living with his children, stuck with a woman he didn't really evaluate the way he would a normal life partner and having to explain his affair to friends and family.

Wish you the best ❤️ 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Curious-Sam

[Dawn37]

Curious sam - thank you for these valuable words 💕

I have asked him to be respectful to me and my children, his actions lately are nothing short of atrocious. The slap I apologised for because I know it was wrong.

as for the OW, all he keeps stressing to me is how happy he is with her and he never thought anyone could turn his head from me. He has made plans to move back into his old house that he had before we got together which just makes all of this so real. In my mind I have envisaged him with her and all the kids together as one big happy family and that kills me because of the hurt he’s caused 💔

[Buffer]

Yes it does hurt and he will never understand the heart ache he and the OW have caused.You apologised for the slapping. Now be that better person that you are. He is doing what he thinks is right. But that is for him, remember he is confirmed selfish. Other than the separation and children: do not engage with him in any way. You really don’t care if the OW does honks they are grea for each other. She is ending up with a cheater who has no regards for any one else, relationship boundaries Etc. Do you realise she will forever be thinking he will cheat on her. 
You are better and deserve more. 
One day at a time 

Buffer 

[pepperbird]

6 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

Curious sam - thank you for these valuable words 💕

I have asked him to be respectful to me and my children, his actions lately are nothing short of atrocious. The slap I apologised for because I know it was wrong.

as for the OW, all he keeps stressing to me is how happy he is with her and he never thought anyone could turn his head from me. He has made plans to move back into his old house that he had before we got together which just makes all of this so real. In my mind I have envisaged him with her and all the kids together as one big happy family and that kills me because of the hurt he’s caused 💔

His words show absolutely zero understanding of his actions and how hurtful they are.
"I'm happy, so therefore everyone else should be too"...?
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you're lucky to be rid of him.

[pepperbird]

op,
I know it may be small comfort, but I highly doubt their relationship will ever really be a happy one. They will never, ever be able to trust each other.
Every time he's late, every time she can't reach him, every time he seems distant, the first thing to pop into her mind will likely be " is he cheating"? Every thing in life comes at a price. That will be theirs. Their relationship will probably never have any real depth because there will never really be any trust.

 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

Curious sam - thank you for these valuable words 💕

I have asked him to be respectful to me and my children, his actions lately are nothing short of atrocious. The slap I apologised for because I know it was wrong.

as for the OW, all he keeps stressing to me is how happy he is with her and he never thought anyone could turn his head from me. He has made plans to move back into his old house that he had before we got together which just makes all of this so real. In my mind I have envisaged him with her and all the kids together as one big happy family and that kills me because of the hurt he’s caused 💔

Oh Dawn, I can imagine how painful hearing those things were to you.  Can you not talk to him for a while?

[mark clemson]

Notwithstanding the above, I also think OP's husband's "thing" with this OW is unlikely to work out well. Just for vastly different reasons.

On 3/31/2020 at 8:08 AM, mark clemson said:

... I strongly suspect his path ahead is not as rosy as he thinks. However, and it appears he's not giving you a choice in this, you need to start focusing and worrying about you.

[Dawn37]

Mark Clemson - my exH mother asked him is thus just a fling but he said no he has real feelings and is certain this is going to work he wants to be with her. So much so he’s willing to FaceTime my children from her bedroom, the very bedroom we can see from our house.

[Dawn37]

Still a fool - there is no point in trying to talk to him! He said all he gets is grief from me 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

Still a fool - there is no point in trying to talk to him! He said all he gets is grief from me 

This is just a horror movie for you right now with her living so close that you can actually see what's going on.  Where is the father of her kids?