stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Dawn37 said: Stillafool - he has told them that because he has told lies, mummies and daddys sometimes argue and that its better that he lives with gran, but that we both still love them. I wont allow him to tell them the full truth, nor does he ever want that to be revealed to them. He doesn't want to come out as the bad guy in any of this.!! The kids didn't ask what he lied about? Why shouldn't they know the truth? Why should you cover for him and be made to look like the bad guy for not forgiving him for a lie and letting him come home? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 57 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I am sure he doesn't, but you have to consider that it may be you that they then see as ""the bad guy" eventually. Mom didn't tell us the truth. She lied to us. She drove Dad away... There is truth to this. My husband had an affair over ten years ago. Our kids are grown now, and they still bring it up some times. Without even realizing it, it was one of the ways they learned about relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: Attorneys are doing remote consultations and depositions. You can still talk to one. Even if it's only over the phone. And then sign papers by fax or mail. I will tell you not to put the children in the middle (just as your instinct has told you). Once they're older, fine. But judges hate when you drag the kids into adult problems and will mark down whichever party does that. Judges expect both parties to act in the best interests of the children and don't give a HOOT about the bickering cheating parents. So keep it away from them until the custody is all settled but yes, kids figure everything out. If he has them half the time, she will be there and they will know what's going on on some level. I see what you mean preraph but won't she then look like the liar to the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: I see what you mean preraph but won't she then look like the liar to the kids? I sure did. I felt like such a huge hypocrite-here we are trying to teach our kids about honesty, responsibility and consideration for the feelings of others, and look what we did! We both lied to them-albeit it was to protect them, but I don't think that really mattered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: I see what you mean preraph but won't she then look like the liar to the kids? They don't need to know anything about the details. "Sometimes two adults grow apart" and keeping it vague like that. Thing is, the kids have probably already overheard the fighting about who isn't doing housework or who doesn't want to have sex anymore. But just don't ever drag them into the middle of it. Tell them it's "adult problems" and not to worry, that everything will be okay and Mom and Dad still love them the same and will always be there for them. Kids just need reassurances that the future includes the family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 ^^^Yes, pepperbird is right!^^^ It's true, I contacted an attorney before my ex-husband did and it does give you back control. Get a legal seperation, with child custody arrangements and tell the attorney what has happened. I actually got a female attorney, not that it matters. My ex was very shocked that I beat him to the attorney and it made him angry that I was making demands, but eventually agreed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 On 4/7/2020 at 2:03 PM, Dawn37 said: What I don't understand is, when I get upset, it seems to almost anger him and he tells me I need to stop I'm only torturing myself. It's because it makes him feel guilty and he doesn't like that. He'd rather bury his head in a hole and act like everything is peachy keen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 16 minutes ago, skywriter said: ^^^Yes, pepperbird is right!^^^ It's true, I contacted an attorney before my ex-husband did and it does give you back control. Get a legal seperation, with child custody arrangements and tell the attorney what has happened. I actually got a female attorney, not that it matters. My ex was very shocked that I beat him to the attorney and it made him angry that I was making demands, but eventually agreed. Yeah, they usually try to convince the woman to just "let me handle it" so they can take advantage. So yeah, lawyer up asap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 18 minutes ago, preraph said: . Tell them it's "adult problems" and not to worry, that everything will be okay and Mom and Dad still love them the same and will always be there for them. Kids just need reassurances that the future includes the family. But the problem here is that the future may not include the family as it was because Dad is with another woman and her kids. I agree that they should tell them no matter what the outcome between them that they will always love and be there for the kids and nothing can separate that love.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 Well, if one or the other parents drops the ball that bad to exclude the children, there's no way to protect them from that hurt. And it happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I'll tell you something. If you get an attorney and give your husband joint custody, your so-called friend is going to find out real quick what the man is really like when he's not happy and not getting his way. It is very hard to go through a divorce with someone. He is having a lot of fun now and so is she, but once he's dealing with a divorce and splitting assets and childcare, he will not be having fun anymore. And neither will she. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted April 9, 2020 Author Share Posted April 9, 2020 I have considered that I give him his Tuesday nights with them, then a full weekend one week, an alternate Friday, then Saturday. At present he only does one night at the weekends but I think it only fair that perhaps he now has them at least one full weekend in 3. With regards to being 'honest' with my kids - no!!!!!! I study mental health and know full well the extent of the damage this may cause them both in the long run. So for now i'm sticking to what I have told them, not to spare my H or OW, but to spare my children and their little minds. Right now it is not something they need to know, they have had their world turned upside down enough Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I understand but more than likely they will figure it out quickly once they spend a weekend with their Dad and see her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 24 minutes ago, Dawn37 said: I have considered that I give him his Tuesday nights with them, then a full weekend one week, an alternate Friday, then Saturday. At present he only does one night at the weekends but I think it only fair that perhaps he now has them at least one full weekend in 3. With regards to being 'honest' with my kids - no!!!!!! I study mental health and know full well the extent of the damage this may cause them both in the long run. So for now i'm sticking to what I have told them, not to spare my H or OW, but to spare my children and their little minds. Right now it is not something they need to know, they have had their world turned upside down enough Look, you need to make him take care of the kids just like you have to. The typical exchange happens on Wednesday. That way, both parents have them two and a half days of the school days and are responsible for taxiing them around to school and helping with homework and, you know, being a parent and doing their part. If he only gets them nights or weekend, what's he got to do but have fun with them and feed them? Let an attorney and judge do the joint custody so he has as much responsibility as you do. This is how you also have time to work and have a personal life. You need to keep it the same every week. It's only fair he does half. It's the only way you get to have a life and not be tied down all the time and it's the only way he does his fair share. A lot of men try to intimidate the wife first time they're unhappy with the divorce by threatening to go for full custody of the kids. You completely make that threat go away by insisting he have joint custody and do half. It will be an adjustment, but it's also best for the kids to see both parents as much as they ever did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted April 9, 2020 Author Share Posted April 9, 2020 Stillafool, he is living with his mum so the OW will never be there!! I also want it stated in my legal agreement that the terms of him having the children is that he has them and stays at his parents house. If he decides to move in with her that's a bridge we will need to cross if or when it arises. I however, don't see my kids being ok with that or wanting to stay there Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 9 minutes ago, Dawn37 said: I also want it stated in my legal agreement that the terms of him having the children is that he has them and stays at his parents house. I don't think you can dictate that, any more than he could dictate where you stay. As long as the kids are safe, then he can live where he wants. He is a grown man and their father. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 (edited) Unfortunately Dawn, Elaine is correct and as long as they are safe he can take them where he wants (not out of state without permission) and see whomever he wants to. Edited April 9, 2020 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 You will have no say over where he keeps the kids. They're as much his as yours. each jurisdiction has a rule about how far away one parent can move from the other parent when they are sharing custody of children. Typically the limit is 30 to 90 miles and if someone moves to the outer reaches of the limit the judge has the authority to tell them then they must be the one who makes up the distance and does most of the driving since they're the one who decided to move so far away. You really need to get a lawyer right away because you think you have some rights here that you don't have. The laws vary by jurisdiction and state or wherever you are. Neither of you can just come and get the kids whenever you want to without the other one agreeing. that's why you need an attorney right away so you can put down rules that are fair to both of you. Because otherwise you're going to start fighting about every other little thing and it's not going to matter because you don't know the rules. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted April 9, 2020 Author Share Posted April 9, 2020 I’m in the uk so I think our laws are slightly different. A friend of mine recently divorced but it’s stipulated I’m her agreement that her children reside only with their father in his home during visit times. He can certainly take them out but with regards to sleeping arrangements they stay in his house. not sure I need to worry as I don’t think my kids will be overjoyed when they find out who daddy’s new girlfriend actually is! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Dawn37 said: He can certainly take them out but with regards to sleeping arrangements they stay in his house. I'm sure he wouldn't be sleeping and having sex with the kids around him this soon anyway. You two are not yet divorced. But if he wants to spend the day with her and the kids it would be permitted. Edited April 9, 2020 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I understand how unfair it is that your children may have to spend time with your ex and this other woman. I guess all that can really be done is to make the process as stress free for your kids as you can and keep a sharp eye out for trouble. I have no idea what the long term outlook is for him and his ow. If they do get together long term, hopefully, she will be a warm person who will be good to your kids too. From what I have seen, most step mothers are pretty decent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2020 Share Posted April 9, 2020 I don't think it does kids much good to be in the middle of warring parents. I know it is not ideal but you may need to accept her as your children's stepmother whether you like it or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 All of the below are just my opinions, based on my limited experience within US courts: If you proceed with divorce, suggest you beware of lawyers that dangle the prospect of fighting for your "nice-to-haves" if those nice-to-haves aren't actually well supported by law. My belief is these tend to be both expensive, and ultimately fruitless battles. IMO heading for the negotiating table as early as possible and sticking to the actual laws as closely as you can stomach is likely to produce the least costly results, which you probably would have gotten anyhow. Also suggest you beware of actions that might antagonize, such as having them served court papers at work. This may be effective in "locating them" but also can be hugely embarrassing in front of one of their most important social groups. Then they start hating you (if they didn't already) and are happy to spend a bit more to "get back at you" via the legal system. And it often becomes tit for tat. Naturally the lawyers are billing the entire time. Not sure it's that way in the UK, but it wouldn't surprise me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 10, 2020 Share Posted April 10, 2020 1 hour ago, stillafool said: I'm sure he wouldn't be sleeping and having sex with the kids around him this soon anyway. You two are not yet divorced. But if he wants to spend the day with her and the kids it would be permitted. Considering his antics so far, I wouldn't bank on it. Does he sound like a irresponsible dad to you. Although lockdown will probably prevent that happening anytime soon. Dawn... I'm in the UK as well BTW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dawn37 Posted April 10, 2020 Author Share Posted April 10, 2020 (edited) Agree sandylee, nothing would surprise me. I have already made my feelings clear to him regards to OW. Edited April 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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