Hurt betrayed wife

[Dawn37]

They split, he has the kids 4 nights a wee just now, sat am through until wed tea time!!! Shining example of a mother 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

Mark Clemson - my exH mother asked him is thus just a fling but he said no he has real feelings and is certain this is going to work he wants to be with her. So much so he’s willing to FaceTime my children from her bedroom, the very bedroom we can see from our house.

13 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

 He has made plans to move back into his old house that he had before we got together which just makes all of this so real. In my mind I have envisaged him with her and all the kids together as one big happy family and that kills me because of the hurt he’s caused

 

I think that in the end your children will realize the hurt she has caused you and never fully accept her. They will probably learn to at least tolerate her superficially, and indeed may have little choice about that. They might even like some things about her. But ultimately you'll always be their mom, and someone who causes my mom pain can't generally be all that good. It may take a while to play out, but in the end I doubt they do more than just "hold their noses" and tolerate her.

That will take a while to play out before they can even really understand all this, and there's no guarantee it will be relevant, since they may not stay together past the "affair fog"/NRE. Suggest you take it one day/month/year at a time.

Edited April 29, 2020 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

They split, he has the kids 4 nights a wee just now, sat am through until wed tea time!!! Shining example of a mother 

Is she married to him or his baby momma?  

 

16 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

But ultimately you'll always be their mom, and someone who causes my mom pain can't generally be all that good. It may take a while to play out, but in the end I doubt they do more than just "hold their noses" and tolerate her.

This is true because my uncle who left my aunt and 6 daughters were practically babies when he left and now are in their 40s and 50s and still hate her as well as him for what they did to their mom.

[lifeoflies]

kids notice EVERYTHING.  the whole infidelity thing and its emotions may be surpressed but it will always bite the kids later in life!!  I have quite distinct and detailed memories of it when i was 4

Edited April 29, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Dawn37]

Stillafool - not married being is father of her children. He cheated on her last year and she took him back. She lost her father, took ex back then started affair with my exH a few weeks later 😒

[elaine567]

Hatred and bitterness are not what any mother should be teaching their kids IMO.
I know it is all very raw now but something to consider long term.
Too many it seems to me get caught up in "Karma" and "revenge" and "hate", but who actually loses?
Their kids...
.
 

[heartwhole2]

I can totally understand your fury when he is risking your kids' health by breaking quarantine to be with OW. These are unusual times and we are literally taking other people's lives in our hands with our choices.

I'd encourage you to find some outlets for your very understandable anger. I agree that blowing up at him is not a healthy way to deal with your feelings. Get a literal punching bag or do a kickboxing video or call a girlfriend who will let you say all the ugly things you want to say. As others have said, you are the adult here. It's not fair that he has abdicated his adult responsibilities but you can't change it. You have to dig deep into your mama bear reservoir and come up with the strength to meet this awful challenge with grace. Hugs, mama bear. You will get through this!

It sounds to me like OW and WH deserve each other. They're both immature, self-absorbed, and dumb.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Hatred and bitterness are not what any mother should be teaching their kids IMO.
I know it is all very raw now but something to consider long term.
Too many it seems to me get caught up in "Karma" and "revenge" and "hate", but who actually loses?
Their kids...
.
 

and too many, it seems, get caught up in the idea that kids have no thoughts of their own.
If you are a rotten person, of you act in a crappy way, your kids can and will form their own opinions. They may not know all the ins and outs of adult relationships, but they know sad, they know angry, they know what lies are and they know what fear is.

I get it's not pleasant for a WS (not sure if you are one) to think their actions are hurting their kids. Most WS are decent people at heart and don;t want to hurt anyone. The problem is, they do, and pretending that away won't change it.

[lifeoflies]

I dont remember revenge or hate.  i remember feeling like there was nothing solid.  my sister and i pledged to look out for wach other.  my sister was 6

oh yeah, they stayed together for us.  thanks?

Edited April 30, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Buffer]

6 hours ago, Dawn37 said:

Stillafool - not married being is father of her children. He cheated on her last year and she took him back. She lost her father, took ex back then started affair with my exH a few weeks later 😒

This is just so sad. He and she have very poor boundaries and will not last.

One day at a time

Buffer

[pepperbird]

13 hours ago, Buffer said:

This is just so sad. He and she have very poor boundaries and will not last.

One day at a time

Buffer

I agree. It sounds like there's nothing stable about their relationship. To me, it almost sounds as of the OW here is self medicating her emotional pain away with an affair, while the OP's WS is just being a jerk.
Sad that they have to drag two families down with them.

[Dawn37]

My best friend gave me harsh advice today! She has known me and exH for many years and told me how in love we were and how obsessed he was with me at the start of our relationship. She said that something was clearly lacking (on his part) and he must have been in some way unhappy. To do what he’s done, leave his wife, kids, beautiful home etc is a gamble but he thinks it is one worth risking to be with OW. So perhaps she is right and they will see their relationship out and be happy 🤷🏼‍♀️

[stillafool]

54 minutes ago, Dawn37 said:

My best friend gave me harsh advice today! She has known me and exH for many years and told me how in love we were and how obsessed he was with me at the start of our relationship. She said that something was clearly lacking (on his part) and he must have been in some way unhappy

Really?  I can't see what was lacking about a man being madly in love, marrying the woman, giving her a home and children.  That almost sounds like a dig to me.  Was she somewhat jealous of your marriage?

[Dawn37]

That sounds awful of me, no not at all I value our friendship dearly. I think she is trying the harsh friend approach she wants me to stop fretting over what my exH and OW are doing and start focusing on me moving forward. 
 

I just felt it was a bit harsh. And if my exH really was that happy, would he have strayed? He said that himself that because he’s done this it highlighted to him that he must be unhappy !

[heartwhole2]

I strongly disagree with your friend's advice. It's very "blamey" when you deserve none of the blame. You could be Attila the Hun but that means you divorce your spouse; you never get a free pass to cheat on them. 

When my husband had his affair, suddenly he had been deeply unhappy for a long time (news to me) but all he could come up with were two gripes: that I didn't ask about his day enough and that I didn't go for walks with him anymore (I developed orthostatic intolerance when I had kids . . . I get dizzy when I'm upright). So you can see how awful this marriage must have been and how he had a free pass to cheat, right? What, no? And yet after a couple of weeks of NC with the OW he said it was really fun being married to me and it felt like we were on our second honeymoon (I bristled at this too . . . it's not a competition and I was ALWAYS fun to be married to). Now, 5 years later, he understands that the affair was about his immaturity and lack of boundaries and selfishness. But at the time, it was because he was unhappy, he didn't mean to fall in love, blah blah blah . . . because otherwise he'd just be a cliche, a sad loser, a cheater. And no one wants to be that. They want to be star crossed lovers kept apart by the cruel hand of fate, or mean old mommy.  

All your best friend's story tells you is that your husband likes falling in love. Well, don't we all. Apparently he likes the easy, hormone-driven wild ride and not the commitment and the drudgery and the being together through thick and thin. This is 100% about what it says about him, not what it says about you or your marriage. I could go out and fall in love with someone new tomorrow if I let myself. It doesn't say anything about my ability to remain happy and faithful in my marriage.

So please don't take any blame. Please don't let the narrative be that his unhappy marriage drove him to this. That's BS. His selfishness drove him to this. His immaturity drove him to this. His crap adulting skills led him to this. 

[Dawn37]

I’m sure we all like the excitement and falling in love! My exH spoke to my son yesterday who is 8, he said that dad told him he abs the Ow are friends and he is ok with that as long as their just friends ☹️
 

my exH said to me today, our son is absolutely fine they discussed everything yest. To make it worse I found an email in his account yest for a hotel booking, he took her away 4 weeks ago to a hotel we have stayed in, been told with our children, we had even booked our wedding for this hotel but changed venue. I am distraught at his non level of morals 💔

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Dawn37 said:

I’m sure we all like the excitement and falling in love! My exH spoke to my son yesterday who is 8, he said that dad told him he abs the Ow are friends and he is ok with that as long as their just friends ☹️
 

my exH said to me today, our son is absolutely fine they discussed everything yest. To make it worse I found an email in his account yest for a hotel booking, he took her away 4 weeks ago to a hotel we have stayed in, been told with our children, we had even booked our wedding for this hotel but changed venue. I am distraught at his non level of morals 💔

I know that stings. My husband took the OW to a rooftop bar we'd often gone to when we visited that city . . . I'm the one who found it! But you know what? It just means that he's lazy. Your husband was too lazy to do even a minuscule amount of research to find somewhere else to take her. When I asked my husband about it, he said, "Well I needed a rooftop bar!" He just wanted to seem like a big man who knew hot spots in a cool city. I'm sure OW would not have been thrilled to know our history with the place. "Last time we were here my wife was 7 months pregnant with our two-year-old! We had a great chat with the bartender!" was probably a conversation piece he left out.

Each of these instances helps you reframe the husband you thought you knew with the complete picture of who he really is. We all have good and bad qualities, but your husband has decided to invest 100% in his worst qualities. And the OW has taken her bruised ego from being cheated on and fixed it with a bandaid by being "chosen" by . . . another cheater. 

You can't make these people see what they're doing for what it is. Their self-worth is all tied up in being martyrs and victims. They're not going to say, "Yeah, we're selfish, immature jerkwads." They're going to say, "You don't understand, YOU need to move on, we just fell in love," etc. It's all complete crap. But they are in for a penny, in for a pound at this point. All you can do is leave them to the mess they're creating and protect yourself and your children as best you can. Show your kids an emotionally healthy response to the hard times in life. They will experience hard times too, and they will remember how you handled it with strength and grace.

[stillafool]

Well I can tell you it certainly isn't flattering to the OW that he is taking her to a hotel he stayed at with you.

[pepperbird]

I could be wrong, but I'm getting the sense he may have been one of those "love bomber" types. I've met guys like that before- they bury you in "love" really quickly, and the rletaionship grows really serious, really fast. You are the most amazing, wonderful person ever, they can't believe you found each other, you were meant to be, blah, blah, blah.

One guy did it, and it felt lovely but it wasn't sustainable. He needed that "fix" of early relationship energy. He soon strayed to someone else. The other guy? He was abusive, and it was a way to try and get me dependent on him. Your WS sounds like this firs type.

Love bombers, at least in my experience, can't sustain their behaviour- they simply don't know how to "love"...obsess, yes. Love? No.

[Dawn37]

Pepperbird we were friends before we got involved romantically, I was at the end of a relationship and my exH was pursuing me. He told my friends he wouldn’t give up until he got me. I believed he was the one especially after all these years together and I believed we were so happy, we actually had our first “alone holiday” booked for this June and were looking forward to that. My life has been stripped apart 

[heartwhole2]

Someone once told me I was the only thing my husband had stuck with in his life. He loves change and new beginnings -- he is constantly making new friends, adopting new hobbies, etc. That's some people's natural inclination, but that doesn't mean they can't learn to channel those impulses in a healthy way that allows them to have stability in their lives.

[Dawn37]

ExH collected kids at 12:30 today and told me he would drop them off at 5 - he obviously has plans! Told him 7pm would be fine as I have studying, shopping etc to do and I’m being unreasonable. I’m only doing this apparently to stop him seeing OW

Why am I always the unreasonable one?

[preraph]

You may need to make and not break a court ordered schedule so no one can pull this stuff.  This is exactly WHY everyone needs to have a mandated order on this, to force people to adhere to the schedule and sacrifice when necessary to do so instead of pushing it off on the other parent and messing up their plans.