Should I tell my live in boyfriend to move out now or wait until quarantine is over?

[TexanGal28]

Hello everyone! This is my first time ever on this forum so please bare with me. I really, really, really need relationship advice and I am going to be 100% honest with you guys.

My boyfriend (male/30 years) and I (28yrs/female) have been together in a committed relationship for almost 4 years. At the start of our relationship, I was very clear with my boyfriend that I wanted him to finish college if he ever planned on getting married to me. He was in college after high school, had a serious car accident, recovered, but then never went back. He agreed to go back to school and graduate. That was 4 years ago.

About two years into our relationship, I bought my own house and he moved in with me. I think this was a huge mistake on my part. I should never have allowed him to move in. *Sigh*

We were okay for a while. But as time has gone on, I have felt like he has become extremely comfortable and lazy in this relationship:

• He has NEVER asked me out to a fun date the entire time we've lived together. We went on a short getaway for Christmas last year, but that's it. 
• Since Christmas, I have asked him out at least three or four times and each and every time he has made an excuse as to why he doesn't want to go. Some of them were "Its rush hour and I don't want to be stuck in traffic," "I am hungry now and don't want to wait for food at a restaurant" (Valentines Day when I asked him if he wanted to go have a romantic dinner), and I remember recently he literally ignored a text from me when I asked him if he wanted to go to a museum on his day off. 
• On my birthday, I literally had to beg him to go see a comedy show with me and he couldn't wait to get home. He did not get me a birthday present nor a Christmas present, and Christmas just so happens to be our anniversary.

I have told him on three occasions that I am very unhappy with this relationship. I told him that I we never go out on dates and I think dating is a huge part of keeping the romance alive. I brought the idea up of having a date night each week where we alternate making plans. His response was negative and he stated "I dont like that because it makes dating into a chore." 

About two weeks ago I created a list of all the places I would like to go within the next few months. I told him he needs to also add places to that list and he hasn't done so. 

Another big excuse he has for not wanting to do anything with me is that "I don't have any money." HOWEVER, he currently has a full time job earning at least $19 an hour plus overtime. He also has a huge fish tank that is constantly taking care of. I have told him before that it seems like to me that he loves the fishes more than he loves me.

 

Because of all this, I want to ask him to move out of my house BUT I don't want to break up right away. I want us to give our relationship a second chance and see if living apart lights a fire under his butt. I want him to go back to school and get a degree, start a career and become financially strong, and I want him to start putting a lot more effort into dating me.

The question is: do I ask him to move out now, or wait until all of this quarantine mess is over with? He will probably end up moving back in with his parents (its where he lived when we first met). 

What do you guys think? 

[basil67]

Ask him to move out now.   You have every right to want a man who meets your needs but no amount of requests and list making will make this guy the one for you.   And even if he does change, do you really want a guy who needs to be kicked out in order to listen to you? 

You've already wasted four years with him - don't waste more of them.  

[S2B]

Have him move. You two aren’t a good match.

if he isn’t making effort for your happiness now - he isn’t going to do it later.

has he been paying you rent and utilities?

[basil67]

Also, if you wait for Corona to be over, then it will be Christmas.  Then Valentines.  Then someone's birthday.   There is never a good time to break up.

[Ellener]

Hi @TexanGal28 🤠

Seems like you want to back-pedal to dating and fun and romance again but you've become home-bodies like a lot of people living together do.

Ok to want more dates and romance and stuff but

I don't think it's a partner's place to say what someone else should do with their life-

6 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

I want him to go back to school and get a degree, start a career and become financially strong

or their hobbies though

6 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

has a huge fish tank that is constantly taking care of. I have told him before that it seems like to me that he loves the fishes more than he loves me.

 

Accept him and love him for who he is and encourage more fun together? if you want to stay together. Is what I'd do.

If he has his parents' home to live it doesn't make much difference whether you end it now or later except it will be a time of world crisis when you gave him an ultimatum and dumped him instead of supporting each other, and there might be no coming back from that. Especially if it's a shock to him, do shock tactics ever work out?

6 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

About two weeks ago I created a list of all the places I would like to go within the next few months. I told him he needs to also add places to that list and he hasn't done so. 

You do kind-of make hanging out sound like a chore not spontaneous fun...try engaging him on a different level 🌞 If you still want him I mean. 

[FMW]

I'm not clear why you don't want to break up "right away".  After 4 years I think he's showing you exactly who he is.  If you aren't happy with that (I wouldn't be either!) then why drag it out.  I don't think he's going to make any significant changes, he doesn't share all the same goals or interests that are important to you.  As Ellener said, you can't dictate someone else's life.  You have a list of 5 specific things you want him to change, not just a few tweaks.  I think you probably had an idea of him in your head that wasn't really the true picture.  You just aren't compatible in ways that are important to you.     

As to asking him to move out, I would go ahead and tell him that he needs to look for somewhere else to go but give him a reasonable amount of time to make that move given the current situation.  

[schlumpy]

The only opportunity for change in this situation is on your part. He isn't going to change who he is. If you can't, then it's time to split up. You already know what you have to do.

It's not going to be easy and you will suffer much doubt. Just keep your eye on the prize.

[smackie9]

People still have to eat, so they buy food, people need a place to live, so people can and do relocate. This is as good a time as any to request he packs his crap up and moves out. He can go sleep on a friend's couch in the meantime while he looks for a place.

4 years and no change, things suck. This would be more of a 30th chance you have given this guy. He is who he is, the leopard don't change his spots....you are fooling yourself. This is why we date....to find someone that treats us the way we want to be treated. You have wasted 4 years on this goofball. You know you can do waaaaaaaaaay better than this.

[preraph]

This is a great time to boot him out.  You can be there to be sure he doesn't take stuff that isn't his.  Please just get rid of him.  Stop subsidizing him.  We may have more hard times ahead, so you need to unload this lazy mooch.  I'm glad he has a good job.  He has plenty of money to get a place in Texas.  Or he can go mooch off his parents again or some new woman.  Who cares.   Give him two weeks to have everything out, but only if he can't go tonight to sleep on some family's couch.  If he has that option and he doesn't have a lot of belongings, kick him out immediately.  Since he's lazy, you may have to do his packing for him.  Maybe you do that while he's gone and then tell him to leave.  

Edited March 31, 2020 by preraph

[TexanGal28]

10 hours ago, S2B said:

Have him move. You two aren’t a good match.

if he isn’t making effort for your happiness now - he isn’t going to do it later.

has he been paying you rent and utilities?

Yes he pays me about $600 which is half my mortgage. He doesn't pay utilities but that's ok because I make more than him so I don't mind paying those.

This is also why I'm hesitating to ask him to leave because Ill be losing the monetary help.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, TexanGal28 said:

This is also why I'm hesitating to ask him to leave because Ill be losing the monetary help.

So really he's more of a lodger? You can advertise for another of those.

 

[The Outlaw]

If he's always making an excuse as to why he can't go out with you, cut him loose. You're far more committed to it than he is. He sounds like more of a roommate now than anything else. 

[Emilie Jolie]

13 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

He was in college after high school, had a serious car accident, recovered

Did he, though?

A guy who takes care of his fish more than his live-in gf and does not involve himself in anything does not scream happy, contented guy, TexanGirl.

Kick him out if you want to, but I'd have a serious talk about where he's at in life first if you care about him. Not giving him an excuse, but my experience says there's often an underlying reason for why people act the way they do.

Good luck.

[TexanGal28]

10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Did he, though?

A guy who takes care of his fish more than his live-in gf and does not involve himself in anything does not scream happy, contented guy, TexanGirl.

Kick him out if you want to, but I'd have a serious talk about where he's at in life first if you care about him. Not giving him an excuse, but my experience says there's often an underlying reason for why people act the way they do.

Good luck.

I had this talk with him two/three weeks ago. I expressed everything I said here, and he got extremely defensive. Then he just shut down. I asked him for his input a lot and he didn't give me anything.

Since we've had that talk, he hasn't done anything different. I know my happiness is not his responsibility, but if your SO tells you they think you've been neglecting them, then shouldn't you do something to change that? He could have done so many little simple things to show me he cares and he hasn't.

[TexanGal28]

50 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

If he's always making an excuse as to why he can't go out with you, cut him loose. You're far more committed to it than he is. He sounds like more of a roommate now than anything else. 

That's exactly what it feels like too. We haven't had sex in months, and why should we? I don't want to sleep with someone who isn't making me feel loved. We basically share a room together at this point.

[Emilie Jolie]

7 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

I had this talk with him two/three weeks ago. I expressed everything I said here, and he got extremely defensive. Then he just shut down. I asked him for his input a lot and he didn't give me anything.

Since we've had that talk, he hasn't done anything different. I know my happiness is not his responsibility, but if your SO tells you they think you've been neglecting them, then shouldn't you do something to change that? He could have done so many little simple things to show me he cares and he hasn't.

What you expressed here is you not being happy. If he came off defensive, he's letting you know in big neon signs something is not right. If he's not in a good place himself, how can he be a good bf to you? Kicking him out may be the trigger he needs to get himself together, who knows.

Edited March 31, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If he's paying steady rent, he probably has some rights of the sorts you should look into in your state/area before you pull the trigger.

 

Furthermore, it sounds more like you are mothering  him than existing as his girlfriend.

 

No mother  wants to break-up with her under-achieving son...  she continues to seek ways to incentivize him to do better.

 

A mere girlfriend  would make a clean break and upgrade.

[TexanGal28]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

So really he's more of a lodger? You can advertise for another of those.

 

At this point, yes. I mean, I still love him a lot deep down buttttt I am not happy with the course of his life and I do not want to marry him if this is how it continues.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

The question is: do I ask him to move out now, or wait until all of this quarantine mess is over with? He will probably end up moving back in with his parents (its where he lived when we first met). 

What do you guys think? 

Definitely ask him to move out now.  I don't know where you live but here we are quarantined until June and I'm sure you don't want to wait that long or either another month.  Let him go back to his parents.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

Yes he pays me about $600 which is half my mortgage. He doesn't pay utilities but that's ok because I make more than him so I don't mind paying those.

This is also why I'm hesitating to ask him to leave because Ill be losing the monetary help.

You may as well get used to paying your mortgage alone or get another roommate to pay the $600.  At least with a new roommate you will be able to date new guys who have ambitions.

[stillafool]

57 minutes ago, TexanGal28 said:

I had this talk with him two/three weeks ago. I expressed everything I said here, and he got extremely defensive. Then he just shut down. I asked him for his input a lot and he didn't give me anything.

Since we've had that talk, he hasn't done anything different. I know my happiness is not his responsibility, but if your SO tells you they think you've been neglecting them, then shouldn't you do something to change that? He could have done so many little simple things to show me he cares and he hasn't.

It sounds like he's lost interest and is bored with you.  Let him go.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Did he, though?

A guy who takes care of his fish more than his live-in gf and does not involve himself in anything does not scream happy, contented guy, TexanGirl.

Kick him out if you want to, but I'd have a serious talk about where he's at in life first if you care about him. Not giving him an excuse, but my experience says there's often an underlying reason for why people act the way they do.

Good luck.

I wondered the same thing Emilie.   The boyfriend's living style is suggestive of depression induced inertia.  

@TexanGal28 before you make a move, Google the symptoms of clinical depression.  If he's got enough of them, perhaps your answer lies in getting him into treatment.  That said, if it does look like depression and he is resistant to treatment, you still need to ditch him.   Looking after one's own personal health is a basic requirement for being in a relationship.

[TexanGal28]

41 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I wondered the same thing Emilie.   The boyfriend's living style is suggestive of depression induced inertia.  

@TexanGal28 before you make a move, Google the symptoms of clinical depression.  If he's got enough of them, perhaps your answer lies in getting him into treatment.  That said, if it does look like depression and he is resistant to treatment, you still need to ditch him.   Looking after one's own personal health is a basic requirement for being in a relationship.

I know his parents told me he suffers from depression when we first met. If he has depression, does that mean I shouldn't tell him to leave? Or I should tell him to move out and say something like "I think you should get treatment for depression if you have it while we spend this time apart."

[S2B]

4 hours ago, TexanGal28 said:

Yes he pays me about $600 which is half my mortgage. He doesn't pay utilities but that's ok because I make more than him so I don't mind paying those.

This is also why I'm hesitating to ask him to leave because Ill be losing the monetary help.

But you could potentially get a room mate right? 
one that isn’t disappointing you but still helping you financially.

 

[S2B]

Just now, TexanGal28 said:

I know his parents told me he suffers from depression when we first met. If he has depression, does that mean I shouldn't tell him to leave? Or I should tell him to move out and say something like "I think you should get treatment for depression if you have it while we spend this time apart."

If you want him to move - just tell him to move. 
 

whatever things he has to overcome aren’t your responsibility to point out right now.